Stop Staring at that Box, You'll Ruin Your Eyes

Best shows of 2011

2011-02-07T07:30:00.000-08:00

7. Fringe

Let’s be honest here — I would watch Josh Jackson eat spaghetti for an hour a week. But watching him on Fringe is even better. What began as an X-Files-type, serialized, Sci-fi crime fighting show, has turned into a lot more. Its main romance has you on the edge of your seat not because of the typical will-they-or-won’t-they push and pull, but a much more intriguing can-they-or-can’t-they. But the more interesting love story here is between a father and his son. Seeing the always impressive John Noble (LOTR shout-out!) do his thing as Walter, a bereaved, mentally unstable (but fiercely protective) father, leaves you nothing short of breathless. And this year, Fringe did something amazing. It played out an alternate universe storyline in such a way that made us forget about the over-trodden premise and concentrate on the moral and emotional implications of its storyline. Plus 100 points for introducing the term “Walternate” into my repertoire.

8. Friday Night Lights

It’s not easy to deliver on the promise that comes with seasons of some of the most solid work ever to grace our TV sets. But FNL (perhaps the only show on TV to be given the greenlight season after season based solely upon the quality of its content rather than the fans that it can bring) managed to do just that. This season saw the action move into East Dillon, as Coach Taylor had to wrestle with a less-storied program, a less-trained group of kids and all of the personal drama that career upheaval brings. We also got to see the stalwart go through something that every high school show dreads — bringing in a crop of new students — and come out better than ever on the other side. Throughout, the show never strayed from its roots: We got to see what happens to real (good) people when life simply gets in the way.

9. Modern Family

The Pritchett family is a return to classic television form. For years, the only comedies about home life that received ratings or critical success were quirky or sardonic or just plain weird. But Modern Family is unabashedly genuine. Its extended family, while representative of the kind of blending that’s become the norm in the 21^st century, is wholesome and dedicated to one another. And its that dedication that pays off: There’s really is something to be said for a show that you can sit down and watch with the whole family.

#favoriteshowsofalltime

2011-02-06T18:31:00.000-08:00

#17 Dexter

A glipse into the darkest of human instincts often gives way to some of the most tender moments on television. Dexter, for all of his meticulous chop-and-Shopvac ways, is a conflicted family man struggling with the same devil on his shoulder that we all do. His just tells him to wrap people in plastic and murder them.

#favoriteshowsofalltime

2011-02-02T16:11:00.000-08:00

#46— Brooklyn Bridge

Perhaps the most influential piece of pop culture in terms of my desire to move to New York, this CBS gem from the early ’90s followed a multi-generational Jewish family living just over the Bridge. Even as a kid I loved the themes of change and progress as expressed through the cultural clash of the city and the times. My Daddy also really loved this show, I’m sure because it reminded him of his own youth. I’m bet, given its nostalgic tone, I’d feel the same today.

2011-02-01T07:26:00.000-08:00

10. The Pacific:

HBO’s Eastern answer to the unquantifiably good Band of Brothers, this miniseries delivered the goods in every way that its predecessor did — and made us realize just how desperate the situation in the Pacific really was. It also marked star turns for some of the best under-used actors of our time. James Badge Dale (later seen in AMC’s Rubicon) was restrained and thoughtful as highly-affected writer Robert Lackie. (And Caroline Dhavernas as the girl back home he always wanted to be with almost stole the whole show for me). Joseph Mazello made his big return to film (so nice of godfather Stephen Spielberg to let us all see us again) and worked well as the heart of the piece — a physically and emotionally weak boy whose experiences in battle steel his spirit to a point of no return. But the real star of the show here was Rami Malek (also a high point in this year’s final season of 24, and set to get his big break in the upcoming Twilight movie). As PFC Snafu, he was a shit-talking, emotionally restrained dick — the sort of guy girls fall in love with knowing full well they’re going to get their heart broken in a few weeks. But even for men like this, no matter how much they try to hide it, war changes them, warps their hearts. And I can imagine very few people portraying that as well as Malek did.

11. United States of Tara:

I know that this show is past its buzz years. I know that some might say that after this many seasons, the premise lends itself to being hokey and shark-jumping in every storyline. But despite all of these minefields I think that Diablo Cody’s brainchild hit a stride this year. Tara, for the first time, started to really tackle why her personality spilt in the first place. And, like any discovery worth finding out at all, it came with its pitfalls. Her other personalities start coming through full-force, despite the meds she’s on the contain them, and the first real fracture in her relationship with husband Max begins to appear. Add to that a mystery from her past that’s ignited by a creepy house next door (why does Tara hate basements after all these years?), excellent supporting work by the effervescent Rosemarie DeWitt and Emmy-worthy Keir Gilchrist, and the decidedly relatable storyline of a family at a crossroads, and you get one of the most interesting and well-executed shows of the year.

12. NBC’s Thursday Night Comedy Lineup:

OK, so I know that this is a total copout, but I couldn’t pick just one and I felt weird filling the whole list with comedies. With the exception of Outsourced (OMG! It’s funny because their cultures are different!!1), this block is pretty solid. 30 Rock’s meta take on television production has made smart-funny cool again. The Office, preparing for Steve Carrell’s departure at the end of the season, has hit its stride after a few lackluster seasons — and allowed secondary characters to really shine (Andy for Office Manager!). Community is quite simply one of the best things to come out in a good, long while. It’s fresh and original without being indie pretentious, and Troy and Abed (in the mooooorning!) are possibly my favorite friends on television. And Parks and Recreation, the Office-off-shoot-that-could has really come into its own. With the addition of characters like Adam Scott’s bitter (but secretly sweet) government assessor and Rob Lowe’s too-perfect-to-be-true boss, as well as shining moments for everyone’s favorite Libertarian mustache (aka Ron Swanson), Chris Pratt’s doofy-but-loveable Andy and the most likeable woman on television, Leslie Knope, this show just keeps hitting out of the park. (Get it?! Park!!!!)

A month late and a few dollars short...

2011-01-30T08:17:00.000-08:00

I made a list of the 15 best shows of 2010 and then never posted it anywhere. So, I suppose I'll post it in countdown form here...

13. Dexter:

Sure, it wasn’t as good as last year’s Trinity Killer bloodbath, but watching Dex deal with the aftermath of Rita’s death was, in some ways, much more riveting than watching him stalk a fellow killer based on some sort of perverse adulation. This year, Dexter tested his own limits of humanity, teaming up with a victim with a taste for vengeance (and falling in love in the process) to take down her tormentors. Most interesting, however, is how teeteringly close to being found out by his sister, Deb—who is actually less and less annoying by the day — he was. All in all, a pretty solid year.

14. Work of Art: The Next Great Artist

It’s the only reality show on the list, and that means that it’s an exceptionally good addition to the format. Don’t get me wrong — my DVR is filled with everything from the likes of Real Housewives to Survivor, but Work of Art had an element of authenticity (not to mention a heaping dose of credibility) that most reality shows don’t. Based on the Project Runway format, Bravo’s little-show-that-could managed to do what previously had seemed impossible (turning the haughtiest of premises — a showdown between ephemeral artistes judged by a panel of elitist art critics — into riveting reality television). Hell, I’d pit this show against The Amazing Race any day in the pure entertainment category. And after baiting the audience with an hour of truly fun viewing, we learned a thing or two as well. Hidden medicine never tasted so good.

15. Huge:

May I just start by saying that the fact that Huge was canceled after just one season — even though it got solid cable ratings, even though it was a critical darling, even though its cast and crew, according to all reports, got along swimmingly — is reflective of the sad state of modern entertainment. When I heard that there was going to be a show on ABC Family about kids at fat camp, I readied myself for some saccharine, “beauty-comes-from-within” bullshit lesson every week. But the actual finished product was so much more than that. Sure, the kids at the camp dealt with their weight issues on a daily basis, and why shouldn’t they? The emotional treasure trove that creator Winnie Holzmann (of My So-Called Life fame!) had to mine from would have been stupid to gloss over, not to mention the timely nature of the subject matter — childhood obesity is an epidemic that is literally killing our future. And yes, those story lines were good. But the fact that the writers fleshed out (no pun intended) these kids with more than just stereotypical labels (the popular girl has to take care of her infantile mother, her No. 2 is hiding a no-so-popular past — not to mention a secret twin brother and scorned ex-best friend, and the lead of the show is the least-likeable person!) Huge, I will miss you. I think that maybe a lot of kids needed you, and that's just too bad.

#favoriteshowsofalltime

2011-01-29T15:54:00.000-08:00

#14- Eerie, Indiana
Marshall moves to a surreal Indiana town where he meets friend Simon and they encounter all kinds of weird shit. I was in love with Marshall (remember cute little Omri Katz in Hocus Pocus?), and I totally identified with Simon. Favorite episodes include the one where the ATM befriends lonely Simon and gives him money, and the one with the retainer that tunes into the vocal waves of a group of evil dogs looking to take over the world. Weird shit.

Maybe it's just me...

2011-01-29T15:41:00.000-08:00

... but I think that Real Housewives of Beverly Hills mouth monster Taylor Armstrong looks a bit like real-mouth-monster-who-makes-movies-in-Beverly-Hills Julia Roberts, no?

2010-07-14T14:13:00.000-07:00

How do we bid adieu to the show that brought us more catfights, hookups, scandals and subject-verb disagreement than we ever could have asked for? I’d like to do a recap and review some of my favorite Hills moments of the past five years.

Last night’s finale was a kind-of-sad, kind-of-nauseating ode to what it means to grow up and move on when you’re an over-privileged white kid living in Southern California. Since Lauren Conrad left the show last season and Kristin Cavillari sort of limped along, replaying the slutty, manipulative bitch role she honed while fighting over “Ste-viiiiiin” on Laguna Beach (eventually learning that television audiences don’t dig unlikeable reality show protagonists and settling into playing a poor man’s version of L.C.) it was apparent that renewal was probably not going to be an option. I mean, these people’s salaries had been re-upped to something like $25,000 per person, per episode so why would they agree to pay when those idiots on Jersey Shore are willing to make fools of themselves for a bottle of Valtrex and a cheap tanning package?)

So now, with no reality show to film (and no discernible income), our fearless band of heroes have to decide what to do with the rest of their lives. The four remaining main characters: Kristin, who isn’t actually friends with any of these girls, Lo, who somehow got dragged into all of this when she was living with Lauren but who stuck around when she realized that $25,000 an episode was pretty hard to turn down, Audrina, whose ceiling eyes and buoyant implants have marked the series’ most vapid moments (that’s saying something!) and Stephanie, who somehow went from being Spencer’s drugged out, violent little sister to the most sensible one on the show, get together to talk about their futures.

Steph is just so happy! Everyone can tell because she’s just positively glowing; they don’t realize that that’s just because she isn’t drinking a gallon of Appletini every week. Audrina isn’t quite so happy. We find this out in a little depressing/awkward interchange:

Aud: You look really happy.
Steph: I am! I’ve just found my happy place
Aud: I don’t think that I have. I feel like I’m still looking.
Steph: But you used to…
Aud: No, not really.

How fucking sad! So I’m supposed to believe that after all of these years of lounging by the pool and riding away into the sunset with Justin Bobby and pretending to work in various offices she still hasn’t found happiness? Not even when she filmed Into the Blue 2??? God, Audrina. That’s just sad! On the other hand, Lo is. She’s decided to totally jump off the cliff and move in with ol’ dopey eyes. She loves him and she has a normal job and she wants to have babies!!! All of the girls “ooooh” and “aaaaahhhh” over this and I cringe at the idea of them babysitting. Finally we come to Kristin, who is seriously going through a “mid-20s mid-life crisis” and just doesn’t know what to do with her life. She’s bored and lost and is feeling the wanderlust that only pretty blond girls whose parents own beach-front properties can. It’s Europe or bust (which is kind of the most vague kind of geographical directive you could give) and she’s got to leave right away! — right after she talks to Brody and has a going away party and films The Hills Finale After Party two months later.

The rest of the episode is composed of these people wrapping up their story lines. Audrina looks at a beach house so that she can “get out of Hollywood” and “clear her head.” I will avoid the obvious joke here. It may just be me and my wacky responsibility piping up again, but I think that moving into a really expensive beach house immediately after your only source of regular income has been eradicated is maybe not the best idea. Well, there is that rumored Audrina reality show that everyone’s been talking about. Puke.

Steph drives two hours to see her new motor-cross dude race, and afterward she has “the talk” with him. Throughout this scene my boyfriend says that he “likes her” because she seems nice and normal and she wears an adorable pseudo-athletic outfit to see her athlete date. “That’s what you would wear if I raced bikes.” Yes Grant, yes it is. So, the talk goes something like this: “You look like, you’re just, like, this tough, motorcycle guy, but then, like, you’re just like a big Carebear underneath.” The saying is “teddy bear” but that’s okay, Steph. I’ll let this one slide. This precipitates a “I’m not dating anyone else” “I’m not dating anyone else either” “Do you want to be dating anyone else?” conversation and it’s all too adorable and sweet to ignore. I hope they order Diet Coke and Sprites for a long, long, time.

Let’s see… who else? Lo moved in with her unfortunate looking boyfriend. He seems nice and stable and older than all of them. He also loves her — enough to say that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Her little face lights up and you can tell that she doesn’t want to beam because it makes her cheeks look fat. It’s a very real, very endearing moment. If nothing else, these two will have that on tape for the rest of their lives and that’s really something.

On the crazy end of the pond, Kristin needs to close the book on Brody before she begins gallivanting off to Ye Olde Europe. So, she meets him on top of some roof in downtown Los Angeles swimming in a pool in his sunglasses (I WANT A ROOFTOP POOL. MAXIMUM TANNING. MAXIMUM PRIVACY. MAXIMUM ‘HOLY SHIT I’M SWIMMING ON TOP OF A REALLY, REALLY HIGH BUILDING’ FEELING.) She sits down on a chaise lounge and tells him the big news. She’s leaving — maybe for a month, maybe for the summer, maybe she’ll settle down with a nice French man named Jacques who feeds her cheese cubes and plays the lyrical guitar. Brody asks her if the decision has anything to do with him. What a bold-faced thing to do, Brody Jenner! How could you be so audacious as to assume that you would be the sole reason why reality super star Kristin Cavallari would leave the home-baked glow of Los Angeles for the cold, blistering, rainy lull of god damn Europe. I want to yell at him and say that he’s wrong, but he’s right. He’s so, so right. All the while, Brody’s new squeeze — Canadian songstress/eyeliner proponent Avril Lavigne — is calling endlessly, wondering why things have to be so complicated. Kristin invites him to her going away party but he doesn’t know if he’s going to come because that will be, in some way, condoning her leaving. Oh, Brody Jenner. You are a grade A dickhead.

The party happens and it’s at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel — the same place Heidi snuck all of her friends into under the watchful eye of Teen Vogue intern Lauren Conrad in the very first season of The Hills! Times were simpler then. Heidi was a spunky party-girl whose enigmatic personality made up for the fact that she wasn’t as traditionally attractive as her sweet-but-mundane friend. Lauren’s hair was a terrible shade of blond. Spencer Pratt didn’t even exist. Ah, memories.

No one’s sneaking in and there are no fights tonight. Everyone’s just saying a fake goodbye to Kristin, which is actually a fake goodbye to the show. Brody tells her not to leave, that he will miss her. A single, glistening tear runs down his golden tan and perfect stubble — I wonder what it feels like to nuzzle his face? Probably like holding a newborn puppy — and the moment is had. The next day Kristin plans to leave the country (maybe just drive down the street?) so she puts on her finest shorty-shorts and heads out to her car. Who should be there but Brody, wishing her goodbye. Telling her that he wants her to stay… “That’s all that I’ve wanted to hear you say for so long. But I have to leave.” She gets into the car, the camera settles on Brody, Hollywood sign in the background, and suddenly some shit goes down! The Hollywood sign/sunset is removed as a backdrop and a movie set is revealed. Kristin gets out of the car, hugs Brody, someone yells, “CUT!” and The Hills is over.

So what did it all mean??? During the after show Brody Jenner asserted that it had an open-ended meaning, “You never know what’s real and what’s not. Maybe our [Kristin and Brody] relationship was all fake.” Maybe that’s what it is — I certainly don’t think that everything on the show was fake. Surely after Lauren left there was more falsification, less concentration on the real-life feelings of these people, but I think that some of it was real. I know for damn sure that Brody and Kristin’s friends-with-benefits situation was real. You could smell the stink of desperation on her when he looked at her, and the involvement of alcohol certainly aided in more than a few “ride home together” nights. But mostly, I think that the ending was a big “Look What I Did” from Adam Divello. The man who crafted the semi-scripted concept for Laguna Beach, and continued — with success — to helm the reigns of the equally fake The Hills created a new television art form. In acknowledging that it was fake, he also shed light on the fact that what he created had never been done before. American didn’t need something real to become invested — and they didn’t need something fake to ensure that whatever hardships or triumphs were far enough away from their own lives that they didn’t sting — they just needed a well-crafted story and a few hundred tequila shots to get them hooked. Surely it isn’t the reality (or lack thereof) that entices an audience, but the reassurance that some things will always be the same. Audrina’s eyes will always stare aimlessly upward. Kristin’s skin will always be a glowing tan. Brody will always be simultaneously aggravating and attractive. The rest, is still unwritten.

2010-07-09T09:07:00.000-07:00

Man, The City is really trying to set Whitney Port up to be a villain at the end of this season. Why would you make your main character unlikeable? Why, to show her as a phoenix rising from the ashes next season, of course. I can’t wait ‘til she crashes and burns outside of a club in SoHo, ranting about her Whitney Eve lace leggings to anyone who will listen and flipping Roxy the bird. Then she can apologize to everyone about how she lost her way in the big city of New York and just wants to go back — back to being a sweet unaffected girl from California, back to being to kind of person who sounded strange uttering the word “bitch.” It’ll all be so Rachel Getting Married.

In the meantime, she has to self-destruct first. After last week’s episode where she yelled at Roxy for not getting the multi-platinum band Lights to wear a floral mini-dress, she’s still angry. You can tell because she’s not talking to Roxy while they both “work” at People’s Revolution (I spot Kell on Earth actual employees in the background!) She takes the opportunity to tell Kelly that although Roxy is a totally inept cuntbag (I’m summing things up here) she went to a jewelry showing to “get inspired” and lo and behold Erin from Elle was there with her own camera crew in tow. How weird! She told her about a shoot for Ashley Greene that they’re doing and asked if she had any black dresses that they might be able to use. Why, of course she has black dresses! She didn’t in her first collection but she’s learned since then. Every collection needs black because it goes with everything and high class fashion bitches in New York loooooove black.

So, Whitney’s all on her high horse about the failure of Roxy and how awesome she is at networking with people who MTV has scripted her to network with and Kelly Cutrone, seeing the dramz, says the girls, “Hey ladies! I see that there’s some bad blood over something that totally doesn’t matter in the long run but I need you both to attend this benefit for AIDS. It’s a fashion benefit for AIDS so there will be lots of power gays there and skinny bitches in black and a runway show full of insane hats so I’m going to need you to sit in the front row and represent."

And hats there were. All sorts of hats with flowers and sequins and wizamagoos. Hats to fight AIDS! What a gloriously stupid concept! But it’s all very important. So important that Whitney and Roxy getting into a mini fight about Roxy going to look at apartments is a total social snafu!

See, earlier Roxy (having been told by Whitney that she thinks it would be a good idea for her to move out) went to look at an apartment. It was perfect! It had a fireplace and a bedroom and over 700 square feet! And it was only $4,000/month! She went out to eat with her Dad to ask him to fork over some money for the place and he said, “No, sweetie. That’s waaaaaay too much money for me to be giving you. I mean, are you aware that that’s $48,000 a year. That’s more than Helen Cooper even earns. Seriously.” It’s a hard knock life for a big time Hollywood producer’s daughter.

Roxy ends up moving out and going to stay with gap-toothed friend whose name I can never remember and Whitney looks out the window whistfully, wondering how she’s going to foot the bill on her own $6,000/month apartment without the help of Roxy’s dad. New York City tears people apart!

Meanwhile in the Elle world, Olivia is being a bitch. I know you’re surprised. The Ashley Greene photo shoot is taking place and Joe Zee really wants to get one of Whitney’s pieces into the magazine but Olivia is having none of it. When she looks at the black skirt and black dress and shiny jacket she sees nothing but a big pile of dog doo doo. She’s a fashion guru and she can’t make dog doo doo go with Ballenciaga.

Luckily she’s going to Japan for a “work trip.” She’s going to interview people and check in at the Elle Japan office, so it’s really worth her leaving. Erin is happy to be rid of her for a few days and so am I. I can’t take much more of her law-jaw effected accent. Bon Voyage, Olivia! I hope you get lost and never come back!

2010-07-09T08:29:00.000-07:00

It’s the second-to-last episode of The Hills EVER! And there are so many unanswered questions still! Whatever happened to Jen Bunny? Why does no one think that it’s weird that Justin Bobby has slept with everyone on the show and is still friends with everyone on the show? Why was Ali Lutz introduced for two episodes? Why are these people buying houses as if they’ll have some kind of steady income after this show is over? God, it feels just like the end of Lost. Except, not really at all.

The group is still decompressing from their trip to Costa Rica. It was a hard ride, helping all of those orphans and constructing all of those schools. What’s that? They just got drunk and fought with each other? Hmm… I bet that was tiring too. Kristin still hasn’t spoken to Brody since he called her “like a little sister.” No one has taken issue with this being totally sick-out gross — they think it’s “mean.” Brody doesn’t though. He goes to Ye Old Bike Shop where Not Charlie works (we know this because he has a towel stuck in his back pocket) and rides a little moped around to blow off steam. He just doesn’t think of Kristin like that, dude. He’s also moved onto bigger and better things, and by that I mean Canadian pop princess Avril Lavigne. You seen her in a hoodie kicking stuff over, you’ve wondered how that much eyeliner is possible, you’ve even spotted her being totally mean and horrific to American Idol contestants who can actually sing, and now she’s getting matching “FUCK” tattoos with Brody Jenner.

Poor Kristin doesn’t know yet, and that makes her time at the club — sitting directly next to Brody but not talking to him — all the more awkward. But not everything was bad about the visit to the club! Stephanie finally met a boy who she likes. Sure, he looks like a brain dead heroin addict and his profession is “racing bikes” but he’s nice! And he asks for her number! And when he takes her out he orders a Sprite when she orders a Pepsi. Ah, young love.

There’s a side-story about Lo and her stable relationship that features a rare appearance by her BF where they have dinner together and he asks if she would like to move in with him. She’s all back and forth like, “Ugh, everyone who moves in together breaks up, so I want to be engaged before I move in.” You know what, Lo Bosworth? We’re all tired of your making sense bullshit. I, for one, think that this show would be a whole lot more interesting if you had a sex-tape scandal or started worshiping crystals. Normalcy is so passé.

Poor Kristin is not so lucky in love. Brody tells her that he wants to get together to talk and she’s all, “Hooray! I can finally tell him how I feel!” She spills her guts to him all over the floor and her poor little heart is sitting there just beating for him, hoping that one day it too can become half-Kardashian when he decides to stomp on it with his motorcycle boots (let’s not kid ourselves, flip-flops) and tells her that he’s seeing someone else! The amount that pop artists who we popular five years ago comes between these people is really kind of amazing.

The only other loose end that we get to tie up is what ever happened to Heidi. You remember her; she was a fresh-faced up-and-coming singer whose new marriage to husband Spencer was just the picture of stability. It seems that she’s taken a bit of a respite from The Hills and no one can find her — not even her mom (who flew all the way in from Colorado) and her sister Holly. There’s something different about Holly but I can’t quite put my finger on it. Maybe she got highlights? Anywho, the two can’t locate Heidi anywhere and share a nice lunch where they mourn her like she’s a dead person. How sweet. Maybe on next week’s (LAST EVER!) episode we’ll find out what happened.

2010-07-07T14:52:00.001-07:00

Emmy nominations were announced today, and for the most part I was pleased. Lots of nods to Lost (in its last year) and even a little love (finally!) for Friday Night Lights. But still, there was plenty of upset: I like to watch re-runs of SVU as much as the next guy but why would it ever get nominated for anything? Mad Men is a good show but January Jones? No. Stop nominating Two and a Half Men. And its actors. Just, stop. So, in my perfect world, who would my Emmy nominations go to?

*Asterisk denotes who I think out to win

Best Drama:

Lost*
Friday Night Lights
Dexter
Sons of Anarchy
Damages
Breaking Bad

My Reasoning: Of course, you knew I had to include Lost. Emmy voters have nominated (and rewarded) the Sci-fi juggernaut before, but as the plot got more convoluted and the viewers began fleeing, so too went the support of the Emmys. However, in its last year the show should get some cumulative love and I think it ought to win. You know, for being the best show of all time. Other contenders include: FNL, for being the best dramatic depiction of everyday life on the air today(shout out to the much lambasted Parenthood for coming in second on that front), not to mention the best ensemble cast on TV. Dexter, for making the emotional plight of a sadistic serial killer as compelling as any pedestrian tale. Sons of Anarchy for its epic seasonal story arc that paralleled Kingly warfare (castle siege and all!) to a tee. Also, for being generally bad-ass. Damages, for its terse, close-to-the-cuff yarnspin of corporate greed, American justice and the inner-workings of people you see walk around the Financial District. And, Breaking Bad for its singular vision of a man unhinged by circumstance and desperate choices.

Best Comedy:

30 Rock*
Modern Family
Glee
United States of Tara
Community
Party Down

My Reasoning: I don’t think that I need to spin the positive merits of 30 Rock for anyone — it’s consistently the most smartly written comedy on television. Modern Family came out of the gate this year with a concept that hadn’t been done in quite awhile: presenting a family as they are and coming off as heartfelt as it is humorous. Glee is bold, innovative, fun and tender — and the musical numbers have brought millions of American men closer to haranguing their narrow conceptions of manhood. United States of Tara is a mutherfucking masterpiece. And I HATE Diablo Cody. I love the family. I love the concept. I love everything about this crazy show. Community is self-referential awesomeness, the sort of half-hour comedy that makes viewers wonder, “How come I never thought of that joke/scenario/character?” And, although I was late to the Party Down game I’m mourning its loss. Equal parts dry humor and poignant character study (really) the show about cater waiters who would rather be making it big is laugh out loud hilarious.

Best Actor in a Drama:

Michael C. Hall, Dexter*
Bill Paxton, Big Love
Matthew Fox, Lost
Jon Hamm, Mad Men
Ray Romano, Men of a Certain Age
Kyle Chandler, Friday Night Lights

My Reasoning: Michael C. Hall as Dexter was charged with doing the near-impossible — he had to make the audience want to root for the bad guy. And that he did, not to mention chomping down scenes with John Lithgow’s spooky Trinity, grappling with the death of Rita (god, that scene killed me) and attempting to balance the perverse and mundane elements of his life. Bill Paxton had a lot of character growth to explore this season as the secrecy of his Mormon life was constantly threatening to come to the surface. When he finally made the decision to come out in public it was an acting revelation. Matthew Fox has never been recognized before, but he’s also never cried Jears like he did in that finale. His journey and sacrifice as Jack was never more pertinent than it was this season and he stepped up to the plate in a major way. Jon Hamm is the best thing about Mad Men, and that’s saying a lot. I know that I didn’t include it in the "Series" category (due to space constraints) but his Don Draper drives the show in a smoldering way. Who knew Ray Romano could act?! Throw the dude a bone for his sappy, frustrating and often embarrassing portrayal of a recently divorced dude dealing with growing old. If you’ve ever seen an episode of Friday Night Lights you want to be Coach. Or have him as your father. Or play on his football team. Kyle Chandler is a study in restrained acting in a television line-up of overwrought B.S.

Best Actress in a Drama:

Katey Sagal, Sons of Anarchy*
Glenn Close, Damages
Connie Britton, Friday Night Lights
Anna Torv, Fringe
Jeanne Tripplehorn, Big Love
Sally Field, Brothers and Sisters

My Reasoning: God damn, Katey Sagal! You were so good this season! Playing the strongest woman on TV can’t be easy, especially when you have to deal with a gang rape storyline. That bowl-crash-on-the-table scene was ah-maz-ing. Glenn Close wrapped up her turn in the series that was made for her with a glimpse into her character’s past, and even the heartbreaking parts were played with icy calm. The last scene with Patty in sunglasses reflecting on her choices was some of the veteran actress’ best work to date. Connie Britton’s subtle portrayal of Tami Taylor is what the motion camera was made to capture. Feisty, caring and above all, loyal, she’s the kind of woman who is both instantly identifiable and the stuff that heroes are made of. Fringe isn’t the most critically-acclaimed show of the year, but Anna Torv's emotionally touching turn as FBI agent Olivia is worth noting. Jeanne Tripplehorn has always been a standout on Big Love, where her role as First Wife Marge demands that she be steadfast and flexible. But this year, as her husband makes choices that she roundly disagrees with, Tripplehorn was able to show the audience a whole new side of Marge. Sally Field is a terrific actress with lots of terrific roles behind her, but this den-mother turn late in her career has afforded her the opportunity to show the world that a full gamut of emotions doesn’t stop after your hair turns grey.

Best Supporting Actor in a Drama:

Michael Emerson, Lost*
Terry O’Quinn, Lost
Martin Short, Damages
Enver Gjokaj, Dollhouse
Alexander Skarsgard, True Blood
John Noble, Fringe

My Reasoning: Deciding between the performances of Michael Emerson (as the ever-conniving but emotionally broken Ben) and Terry O’Quinn (as both Locke and Not-Locke [notable in both!]) is going to be one of the hardest decisions of the year. It’s quite simply some of the best acting that I have ever seen. Martin Short was surprisingly good in Damages — the shell of a man who has been turned against by everyone he’s ever loved. Enver Gjokaj was a fucking revelation in the little-watched and even less lauded Dollhouse — a role that required him to be more than half a dozen people. He was fantastic in all of them, most notable for his portrayal of undying love. Remember that scene in True Blood where Alexander Skarsgard as Eric mourned the death of his maker (kind of like the vampire equivalent of our lover, mother, father, brother and best friend)? I do. It was perfect. Again, Fringe gets no love but John Noble as former mental patient and all-around genius, Walter, is a spot-on. He’s ecentric, hilarious and heart-breaking.

Best Supporting Actress in a Drama

Rose Byrne, Damages
Elisabeth Moss, Mad Men
Chloë Sevigny, Big Love
Christina Hendricks, Mad Men*
Khandi Alexander, Treme
Aimee Teegarden, Friday Night Lights

My Reasoning: Who would I most like to grow up to be on Mad Men? Why, Elisabeth Moss’ Peggy Olson, who had the gumption to work her way into a copy writing position from her job as a secretary. Yay, women’s rights! Chloë Sevigny, always a standout on Big Love, was never better than this season when she dealt with the news that she is infertile. You know who just might be better than Elisabeth Moss on Mad Men? Christina Hendricks. She hasn’t gotten promoted like Peggy has and has to deal with gender repression in a way that Peggy doesn’t (being sexy in a man's world isn't exactly easy), which makes her turn as Joan all the more interesting. I tried to like Treme, I really did. Turns out the only thing I liked about it was Khandi Alexander’s acting. And, the scene where Aimee Teegarden’s Julie realizes that her relationship with Matt is over was heartbreaking in the worst kind of way. She's turning into quite the little actress.

Best Actor in a Comedy:

Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock*
Joel McHale, Community
Steve Carell, The Office
Adam Scott, Party Down
Thomas Jane, Hung
Jason Schwartzman, Bored to Death

My Reasoning: Alec Baldwin as the masochistic right-winger, Jack Donaghy, is a breath of fresh air in the comedy world — no wonder this part was written for him. I’ve been a big fan of Joel McHale since I first saw him on The Soup, and while the earlier episodes of Community bordered on him playing himself, he’s really crafted Jeff Winger into a beast all-his-own. While The Office may have gone downhill this season, the writers gave Steve Carell some great material. Always uncomfortably unaware of his surroundings (a quality that makes him hilarious), Michael discussing the loss of Holly was enough to earn him a nom. Adam Scott, how do I love thee? The guy who's also really funny on Parks and Rec, carries Party Down as an actor who’s given up on his dream — but not his quiet sarcasm. I know that not a lot of people like Hung, and I know that not a lot of critics think it’s worth noting, but Thomas Jane manages to make being a divorcee prostitute whose house burned down and whose kids hate him into some real comic gold — you know, in an adult kind of way. Does anyone else watch Bored to Death? Well, you should. The noir-ish concept requires Jason Schwartzman to infuse his typical neurotic awkwardness with lovelorn depression. The results are surprisingly funny.

Best Actress in a Comedy:

Toni Collette, United States of Tara*
Mary-Louise Parker, Weeds
Tina Fey, 30 Rock
Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation
Lea Michele, Glee
Jane Adams, Hung

My Reasoning: I cannot say enough about the virtues of Toni Collette. She has to play multiple characters here, but if that hat trick isn’t enough for you, her portrayal of Tara is as frustrating as it is endearing — something that’s not so easy to do. Having to deal with your Mexican drug kindpin baby-daddy constantly trying to have you killed is pretty heavy stuff, but Mary-Louise Parker handles it with aplomb. Amy Poehler is the best part of Parks and Rec, which is saying something for what I think is a great little show. She’s earnest,something really hard to play without being annoying. Amy does it. I may not like Lea Michele, but she was born to play Rachel Berry, who is basically Tracey Flick with a great voice. See, Lea is earnest while being annoying. Really, really hilariously annoying. My boyfriend will disagree but I think that Jane Adams, as a bumbling pimp in Hung, is a delight to watch. Thought processes wash over her face like a sign-board and her female-Woody Allen shtick is pretty darn funny.

Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy:

Chris Colfer, Glee
Eric Stonestreet, Modern Family*
Nick Offerman, Parks and Rec
Ed Helms, The Office
Jack McBrayer, 30 Rock
Keir Gilchrist, United States of Tara

My Reasoning: God, that episode of Glee where Chris Colfer had to play desperate-to-be-loved Kurt, trying to turn himself straight so that his father will pay attention to him was awe-inspiring. Great job, kid. Eric Stonestreet is the funniest thing about Modern Family. Period. Ron Swanson is the best libertarian character on television like, ever. He loves breakfast and guns. And we love Nick Offerman's mustache. With Steve Carell leaving The Office next year, someone is going to have to step into his shoes. I think that that person might be Ed Helms, whose Andy is goofy and endearing, is too likable for me to tell him to shut up. “Mr. Donaghy, I know you said only interrupt you if was very important, but Tishonda from Time Warner Cable is on the phone, and she's offering three free months of Showtime, but we have to act now!” Fucking genius, Jack McBrayer. United States of Tara wouldn’t exist without Toni Collette but my personal favorite character is her son, played by Keir Gilchrist. He’s dedicated to his family, confused about his sexuality and often to only source of sobering reality.

Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy:

Jane Lynch, Glee*
Julie Bowen, Modern Family
Kristen Wiig, Saturday Night Live
Megan Mullally, Party Down
Jane Krakowski, 30 Rock
Allison Brie, Community

Sue Sylvester has been gifted with some of the best one-liners that television has ever offered, but they’d be nothing without the biting delivery by Jane Lynch. Mean never made me so happy. Julie Bowen is a constantly frustrated and consistently funny mom — she’s got the kind of comedic timing that makes you feel like you're there. It’s a bit annoying that Kristin Wiig is in every skit that takes place on SNL but there’s a reason for it: She’s really freaking funny. Have you caught Megan Mullally on Party Down? I recommend it — she was so funny on Will and Grace but this part proves that she has more characters in her than just Karen, including her painfully optimistic waitress here. I remember when there was a big hullabaloo about ugly little troll Rachel Dratch being kicked out of her role in favor of the much more traditionally beautiful Jane Krakowsi. Critics of the choice cried foul that a talented comedienne had been replaced by a mere actress but this (and every season) of 30 Rock proved that some people can be funny and hot. Sucks to be you, Rachel Dratch. Allison Brie’s Annie (a perfectionist scholar whose presence at community college is only due to a pesky prescription drug problem) is adorably cute and funny.

So, there are my choices. A lot of these didn't make it in (most likely due to the fact that I watch niche shows and original content as opposed to traditional network dramas and comedies — The Good Wife and Two and a Half Men, I'm looking at you) and a lot did. There were even some surprises! Both lead actors on FNL were finally recognized, as well as Matthew Fox! But FNL itself was passed over for the campy (albeit enjoyable) True Blood. Mad Men had too many noms (when will voters realize that January Jones actually sucks?). Although Ray Romano didn't get a nod, Andre Braugher did, so that's great for Men of a Certain Age! Congrats to all who were nominated! I hope some of my choices win!

Side Note: Why Zach Gilford did not get nominated in the Best Guest Appearance-Drama category, I do not know. But I am very, very angry.

2010-07-07T08:57:00.000-07:00

And then there were four. Ali had the harrowing decision on this week’s Bachelorette of picking who she would like to do hometown visits with. This is the part of these shows when peoples’ parents attempt to pretend like this is a legitimate route to finding love as opposed to a totally embarrassing farce that everyone will laugh about in ten years.

In order to make this choice, Ali takes the guys on one-on-one dates to feel out chemistry and such. Except for Frank and Ty, who have to awkwardly look at one another when they’re having what’s supposed to be a romantic dinner with Ali. Frank gets all cranky about not being able to spend time with Ali (as usual) and Ty is dopey and Southern. We find out that Frank lives with his parents (I don’t care what the story is, he just got a lot less cute) and Ty can’t really explain away the fact that he believes that women should be the man’s servant. According to him he doesn’t think that anymore, he just did during his last marriage. Whatever.

Roberto is “romantic” and “hot”. I get it. He’s very good looking, but what do you guys actually have in common? When the entire date is spent dancing in the street (really, who does that?!) and sucking face at the top of a castle (what a romantic spot, right here where the archers aimed their arrows at opposing soldiers’ faces) there’s not really much room for qualitative progress in the relationship.

Kirk kind of creeped my out this episode. He just seemed sort of desperate, constantly telling Ali how he felt about her, then following it with a “I hope you feel the same way” in a matter that made it seem like that really meant, “Do you feel the same way? Do you like me? Why do you like me? Do you like meeee????!!!” Then he talked about his mold sneezes some more and was generally a ginger and, ugh, he just seems like a class-A frat douche.

You know who impressed me this week? Dead mom guy. Not one mention of his dead mom! He seems to actually like Ali and have a good heart and all of that. It’s like he’s be a landscaper or high school football coach or something else equally harmless and wholesomely effusive. I like him.

The rose ceremony comes and Ali eliminates Ty because she’s a career woman and he’s a sexist cowboy. Ty thinks that she made a mistake and that she’ll come to realize that. Probably not. G’bye, Ty!

Ed. Note: This episode was totally cut short by the fact that ABC aired the Jake and Vienna interview. And, boy, was that a shit show. I can’t really get into the details since that would take all day but suffice to say that Jake came off like a frightening, smug dickhead—like that creeper with the mustache in Sleeping with the Enemy. Vienna is annoying and vapid but this dude is frightening. Best line of the night goes to Chris Harrison: “We don’t care about the dog.”

2010-07-07T08:16:00.000-07:00

Have we discussed Pretty Little Liars? I don’t think that we have. The point of shows like this is that they’re trial popcorn fun — the sort the throwaway fluff that makes you want to buy summer dresses and consider getting a blowout, but don’t do much more. But this one’s fun. It’s darker fare than usual summer (or ABC Family) programming and the actors (for the most part) are pretty good (although, I will admit that some are laughably atrocious.) And the premise — delightfully modern in its simplicity (teenage girls get snarky text message from a friend they thought was dead) — has enough punch to make you wonder what’s going to happen next week.

The story goes something like this: a group of five friends falls apart after one — the controlling, bitchy Queen Bee, Allison (A) — comes up missing. A year later they are brought back together when they begin receiving mysterious messages signed with the (newly discovered to be dead) girl. Threatening in tone and content, the messages warn the girls that all of their deepest, darkest secrets could be revealed. What’s truly genius about the concept is that it predicates upon the characters being teenagers. It’s perhaps the only time in a person’s life that the mere threat of revealing who they’ve been kissing, what their parents have been up to or whether or not they cheated on an exam is enough to make them scared of an enemy. I spend most of the episodes thinking to myself, “Why don’t these chicks just talk to each other? What would be so bad about revealing these secrets and eliminating the threat?” But then I remember that when you’re young, the revelation of who you are — your desires and actions — is as frightening as anything else. So who are our intrepid band of high-schoolers?

Aria: Played by Lucy Hale (Privileged) she’s the main protagonist. We’re supposed to believe that she has an independent streak because she used to have purple highlights in her hair and wears a lot of black lace shirts.

What A Has on Her: Last year Aria and A stumbled upon Aria’s dad making out with one of his students in a family Sedan. Thinking that she was protecting her family (and at the request of her father), Aria kept the secret the entire time — even as they packed up the whole troupe for a sabbatical in Iceland (yes, Iceland). After crossing A by unjustly not answering her texts, her family secret has been outted. The fallout is pretty devastating — but in subtly played ways — as the kids wrestle with the idea that mom and dad might not make it out of this mess.

Current Drama: Um, Aria is dating her teacher. This storyline almost makes me turn the show off every week, as it’s totally creepy and beyond unacceptable. He’s at least 22 and she’s 16. Sick. Gross. Ew. Also, A knows, so that should be interesting.

Emily: Played by Shay Mitchell (who was once on an episode of Degrassi!) she’s a hard-nosed athlete whose mother is religiously strict. She’s the most teenager-y in that she’s wrestling with the “Who am I?” question. She’s also totally pretty.

What A Has on Her: The new girl who moved into A’s old house seemed cool enough, so Emily made friends with her. But maybe she was a little too cool. The next thing Emily knew she was kissing her in a photobooth, breaking up with her boyfriend because of all of the confusion and grappling with the fact that if A has her way, the whole school will think she’s a lesbian.

Current Drama: There’s an entire side story about a blind girl named Jenna and her brother Toby that Emily is getting mixed up in. See, Emily is blind because of a little plan A cooked up that the girls went along with, but Toby got blamed. Now he’s back after a year in juvie and all of the girls are totally creeped out by his presence. Everyone except for Emily, who finds his quiet, brooding and accepting attitude comforting in her time of personal upheaval. Too bad she can’t tell her friends.

Spencer: Played by Troian Bellisario (who has the distinct honor of having guest starred on both JAG and NCIS), she looks a lot older than the other girl. A typical Tracey Flick-type, she lives in a big, rich house with her terrible, rich family and is expected to excel at everything. The inevitable breakdown should be fun to watch.

What A Has on Her: Feeling pressured to achieve at any cost, Spencer turned in one of her sister’s history papers as her own — and then won an award for it! She told the news to Daddy after he made her throw a tennis match in order to secure a client, but if officials find out, it could ruin her entire high school career.

Current Drama: Besides grappling with parental drama (she’s also mad at dad for getting her hot tennis partner fired from the country club) she’s also embroiled in a feud with her sister. See, big sis was engaged to a cute British guy until he kissed Spencer. It’s a pattern that seems to happen with all of this sister’s beaus and now the British guy keeps contacting Spencer and could tear her family even further apart.

Hanna: Played by Ashley Benson (Abby Deveraux on Days of Our Lives and Rebecca Romijn’s daughter on Eastwick) she’s probably my favorite character. She used to be a chubs but in an attempt to win her absentee father back and ascend the social ladder after the disappearance of A, she lost the weight and gained an attitude. She’s the Queen Bee now, but with a host of insecurities that flush her character out.

What A Has on Her: I mean, nothing really. Hanna seems to keep messing up but she also seems to keep getting caught. Anything that A might have outed is already public knowledge. It is sort of creepy that she has access to her home though, as evidenced by a lipstick message written on her mirror.

Current Drama: After her boyfriend refused to have sex with her, she crashed his car into a tree. Oops. So, she’s paying off the damages by working in his mother’s dental office. Nothing says, “I want to join the Abstinence Club with you, boyfriend” like donning scrubs and orthopedic shoes. While there, though, she discovers that Jenna (who is now wearing the same shade of lipstick found in Hanna’s house) is visiting a shrink--she may be getting in over her head. But her biggest problem is probably the cop who keeps sniffing around her trail, asking to know more about A. This guy can’t be good news.

2010-07-05T13:15:00.000-07:00

The Stunning Goddess herself, Stephanie Pratt (Unlikely Voice of Reason) is rumored to be joining the cast of The City next year after The Hills wraps shooting for good. The internet is abuzz with whiney blah blahs about the show being potentially more fake if Stephanie were to join but I, for one, am in love with the idea. Here are the reasons why:

1. I like The City but it does have a tendency to be sort of boring. Remember the first season before Olivia came? God, if we’re going to have to resort to another Australian rocker as a villain, count me out.

2. Roxy and Stephanie used to be friends IRL, that is, before she jetted off to New York to make fake friends with Whitney. Drama between Steph and Roxy would be gold but if the girls join back up and rally against a newly villainized Whitney that would be platinum-plated diamond.

3. Remember when Stephanie Pratt got a job at People’s Revolution (after telling Kelly Cutrone that her biggest dream was to have a handbag line — no doubt the precipice for her move to NYC) and then she couldn’t even answer a phone and then Lauren had to fire her and then she and Kelly got into a verbal altercation at a party???? I do. Please, let’s have 13 episodes of that.

4. How could you not want this plump-lipped hot mess to be on your TV screen for another year? Heidi mirrors my feelings here.

2010-07-05T11:45:00.000-07:00

Rescue Me is back and I think that more than Tommy Gavin has come back to life. Don’t get me wrong, I like this show. I think that it’s a winning blend of tender and funny with one of the best real life depictions of machismo on TV, but the storylines have become a little repetitive for my taste. Tommy can’t decide between Janet and Sheila? Wow, color me shocked.

But when we open on the story this season, something has changed. All of Tommy’s hard-wheeling ways have finally caught back up to him. Teddy, enraged at the death of his wife, has shot Tommy and left him to die on the bar floor. And die he does. In the back of an ambulance, Tommy loses his life and is suddenly transported to an ethereal hockey rink where his 9/11 compatriots are all gathered, heading toward the light. Jimmy’s there, which might shock a normal person, but Tommy’s been talking to this dead guy for years. They all head off to a bright, white light but instead of Utopian cloud fluff, Tommy gets thrown into a burning building with the charred faces of his would-be rescuees asking him why they weren’t saved. If this is hell, Tommy Gavin doesn’t want to be there, and with a jolt he’s back in the ambulance, come to life once again.

A shoulder surgery and time passed out in the hospital later, Tommy finds that the world around him has changed. Everyone he turned back into alcoholics are sober—except for his teenage daughter. She’s drinking gin straight from the glass even though it “tastes like gasoline” (sidenote: everyone knows that Everclear tastes like gasoline; gin tastes like pinetrees. Don’t be silly Rescue Me). The firehouse is in danger of being closed, Tommy’s sponsor is willing to kill him if he falls off the wagon, and Teddy has constructed Tommy some bullet infused cuff links to remind him that if the sponsor doesn’t get him first (for drinking, for hurting Janice, for screwing up at work) then he will. And he’ll aim to kill this time.

The end result is a sober Tommy for much of the episode. He’s obviously grappling with the impact that his life choices have had. Not only to himself — I mean, the man is probably going to hell should he actually die — but to the people around him. His firehouse is in shambles, his wife is unhappy, his mistress is seriously fucked in the head, his daughter is an alcoholic, his younger daughter is pouring him scotch neat, and his family thinks he’s a murderer. So, what can Tommy do but visit his God.

He sits in a pew staring at the crucifix contemplating (assumedly) all of the wrongs he has committed and the nature of forgiveness. Looking up he sees the good version of himself, a man who gets clean and makes his wife happy and doesn’t see his dead brother in every choice that he makes. In the end, Jesus isn’t even enough to help him and he begins again the worship of his true master — by taking a big swig of liquor. And although he seems to have chosen like the Tommy, it seems to me that there's something more grave in the choices that he makes now. That there's a possibility for a turn around. Because now, if Tommy doesn't choose to change, he'll actually lose it all.

2010-07-05T09:20:00.000-07:00

And so it was: the episode in which Whitney’s incredible Hills and fancy fashion designer fame turned her into a raucous bitch. I’m not sure if this was put upon her by the producers — I bet at least in part that there was some poking and prodding on their parts since the Olivia-is-a-bitch cow has nearly been milked dry. But the emotions behind the eventual breakdown seem to be genuine. Let’s discuss how it all went down.

In Elle-land Joe is tasking Olivia with helping him select clothing for a Martha Stewart spot. They’re featuring five up-and-coming designers on the show and they’re missing one, so Olivia needs to go to a potential designer’s showroom and pick out some looks. This is a really important assignment, as the segment on Martha Stewart is a pretty big deal. When’s the last time you saw a 17-minute fashion segment on a nationally syndicated talk show? Never? Once on Oprah? You have a job and don’t watch television during the day? Well, it’s a pretty big deal for Erin, who garnered this whole segment deal and the City deal and was just type-A enough to write herself into the show. It’s so important to Olivia that she shows up to the meeting with nothing to take notes with. No pen. No paper. No iPad. When Joe Zee tells her that she ought to be writing all of this down she has the gall to ask him for a pen and paper. Then, when Joe Zee hands her one, the chick can’t even stand up to take it from him — she makes Erin pass it to her. I would commend her on her iron balls if I wasn’t so sure that she’s just self-involved enough to actually believe that she deserves to be waited on by everyone around her. Sometimes I wish for a zombie apocalypse just to watch people with this go down.

When she visits the designer’s showroom, she’s no better. No doubt, Olivia has impeccable style. She can wear a silk, women’s shirt with a cummerbund and an A-line pencil skirt like nobody’s business, and I will balk that there is no one else under 30 who I would rather see in pearls. But she has absolutely no ability to remove herself from her own personal sense of style. She can’t imagine anything but her own aesthetic being the end goal so she lazily infuses her own style into every job that she does. When meeting with the designer she does the same thing. He brings out models wearing flirty, young cocktail dresses. It’s perfect premiere-wear, things that could be easily tailored to a 20-something audience with multiple credit cards and sell really, really well. But Olivia doesn’t wear those kinds of dresses. She doesn’t do flirty hems and wouldn’t be caught dead in a color block dress. So, she spots something older and stuffier on the rack and makes the model walk up and down in that. It’s brilliant because she “loves menswear” and because it’s something that she would wear and because she gets to imprint her own opinion onto something else that’s going on without actually having done any work. Ugh.

The segment runs, Martha is awkward as all hell, she loves the look that Olivia chose and somehow that’s vindication. I mean, if there’s one thing that Martha Stewart is famous for, it’s her chic style. The only other thing of import that happens in this storyline is a deliciously creepy scene when Robby Myers turns to Martha Stewart and says, “You’re so beautiful,” and then just keeps staring at her with her Praying Mantis eyes. Ah-maze-ing.

The real meat of the episode, though, is the drama between Whitney and Roxy. “Working” in the People’s Revolution offices, the two are swooped down upon by a (perpetually) out of breath Kelly Cutrone. Really though, I think that this constant need to physically slow down is the best outward manifestation of her inner PR shark. Even more than her black tunics and power boots. She’s all-aflutter because Lights is in town and has just been robbed of their stage costumes and needs other clothes. This is a major emergency because Lights is a very important pop group with many fans and many albums and many tie-in deals with MTV. At least they’re popular in Canada. That’s something, eh.

Roxy is charged with getting the singer to wear some Whitney Eve pieces onstage at their big New York show. It seems simple enough, but then the singer comes waltzing in she looks like a bad Joan Jett impression. Getting her to wear lace aubergine leggings might be a bit of a stretch. Roxy does her best though, and after gravitating toward a rack of clothes that is obviously much more her style, Roxy pulls the only thing in Whitney’s whole line that might work — a black, leather jacket. It’s a miracle that it happens at all and when the concert goes on — there are so many people there! Why are they all there?! — Roxy really ought to be proud of herself. But then the unspeakable happens! That bitch of a singer comes out on stage, realizes that stage lights heat up the room about 30 additional degrees, and TAKES THE JACKET OFF!

Whitney just about blows a gasket. You can see her heavy bottom lip, so much heavier from the injustice of the moment, hit the ground. She’s had too much of this shit and she’s leaving. Backstage, after checking with the photographer to make sure that a photo with the jacket on came out (it did), she finds Whitney. Like a fame-hungry jackal she lashes out at Roxy. Why was there only a jacket?! How could she take it off?! Why is Roxy such a failure?! Whitney, you need to back the truck off.

The next morning Roxy brings Whitney tea. As if she’s the person who needs to be apologizing. After taking the tea Whitney starts laying into her again. Hey lady, we are not in Nuremburg. You can’t just point fingers with no kind of evidence. The girl tried to fight a losing battle for you and you’re treating her like this. The argument ends in Roxy saying that she wants to move out and we’re set up for a pretty dramatic episode next week.

2010-07-02T10:39:00.000-07:00

The latest episode of The Hills was an elaborate dedication to the unparalleled douchbaggery of Mister Brody Jenner. And let me tell you, it is like some kind of mean, heart-breaking crack to watch a master manipulator at work amongst drunk, idiotic girls with no self-esteem.

The whole gang is heading to Costa Rica because, hey, why not?! Lo can’t make it because her job at Smashbox doesn’t offer consolidated vacation days but Stacey the bartender is there — bartending at an empty hotspot is very lucrative — and Frankie Delgado was actually already in Costa Rica. He stumbled out of Le Deux one night and just kept wandering, finally finding himself in a beachside jungle with a pet monkey named Brody and a new found appreciation for valet parking.

I have to hand it to MTV — these vacations have gotten much more elaborate (and no doubt expensive) as the years have gone on—this may be the best one yet. They have a private villa in what seems to be an all-inclusive resort that sits just feet away from their own private beach. Kristin Cavallari sees the spread as she makes the hike from the tiny airport and thinks to herself, “Who’s the successful one now, Lauren? How do you like them apples?!” Kristin is, in fact, very drunk (as always) and those apples are actually flying balls of monkey feces. Lauren Conrad made $12 million last year, honey, there’s no way that you can win.

Everyone piles onto the patio, and by everyone I mean all of the boys and Kristin because she’s still playing that game where she thinks that she’s “one of the guys” when in fact she’s just the sluttiest one and that’s why they keep her around, shot glass in hand. The point is proven a few moments later when conversation turns to which of the vacation-goers is going to hook up with another vacation-goer. Krisitn continues her producer-fed push to make Justin Bobby and Audrina happen again, but talk turns to Brody and Kristin banging. Brody point blank says in front of Krisitin that it will be her and she shrugs it off like he hasn’t just told a room full of people that she’s so emotionally fragile and dependent that she’ll continue to do whatever this asshole wants.

Stacey the Bartender and Krisitn have a nice chat while laying in mud pools in the ocean about how much Kristin thinks that Audrina is meant to be with Justin Bobby — she should know, she also used to sleep with him. She doesn’t, however, think that she is meant to be with Brody. Ugh. It doesn’t seem that way later in the night when, after what appear to be battery acid shots Kristin starts flirting with the gay bartender to make Brody jealous. Tip #1 in the Trying to Make Someone Jealous Arsenal: You can’t keep asking them if they’re jealous. You just look like a pathetic mess. Brody says something about her being able to hit on guys and that he’s “cruising for girls” (what the fuck does that even mean?!) because he thinks of her like a little sister. I’m suddenly very worried for the state of the younger Kardashian sisters. This upsets Kristin because she’s enmeshed in an unhealthy co-dependant relationship with Brody’s half-beard. She has a “heart-to-heart” with friend-who’-not-Charlie and decides that the best course of action is to bang out the gay bartender. Okay, Kristin. Let me know how that works out for you.

Elsewhere at the bar, Justin Bobby is acting a little strange for Audrina’s liking. Strange in terms of Justin Bobby has got to be something really out of this world, so I’m feeling Audrina’s pain. To make matters worse, he grabs her ass as he walks by her. Not one ass cheek but BOTH CHEEKS. That is just crossing the line! Audrina’s not playing JB’s games anymore — but at some point she was, and walking by to get a hand full of cheek was a successful come on. Classy.

The next day, all of the boys are surfing. Justin Bobby is “better than Brody and Charlie put together” which I think is probably akin to the same equation with “intelligent” in place of “good at surfing.” He’s like the Kellie Pickler of surfing. It’s a real dude party until the girls come and crash it on their ATV. They’re all riding on the same one with no helmet — a recipe for disaster if only MTV had the forethought to make the accident happen and get America back on its side. The girls arrive and pretend to surf while their tops fall off. They lay in each others’ laps and braid their hair and flash their vaginas but nothing seems to be getting the boys’ attention. I guess they forgot the cardinal rule in Douche Dating: Once you sleep with a gay bartender, no one else will touch your vagina. It’s like that thing with baby birds and falling out of their nests.

Later there’s a dinner with gay bartender (who looks more and more like Quasimodo) where Brody delivers the line of the episode, toasting to Kristin who’s like “his sister who he has sex with.” (Seriously, where are Kendall and Kylie? Are those kids okay?)

Justin Bobby has something important to tell Audrina so he throws on his serious beanie — the one with red and black stripes — and tells her that he can’t act normal around her because she has “baggage.” All of JB’s musings sound a little like, “It is what it is, you are how you was. The universe has. You know?” Then he smoulders and pets his chin pubes, and I don’t know. I really don’t know, Justin Bobby. Audrina doesn’t either. She’s annoyed that he refuses to treat her like a normal human being because with objectification and emotional gameplay, how do you even treat a woman?

It’s a sad flight home. Steph has to leave her legion of spider friends in Costa Rica, the gay bartender has to give up on his dreams of a three-way that includes Brody, Frankie got left behind once again — but that’s okay because he’s made friends in the jungle in his time there. (He also can “read the signs”, which would have been impressive had the signs not said things like “Waterfall, 4 miles” Even Kristin can read those, dude. And by the tone of her voice when she told you so, she cannot read much) Audrina never wants to go to Costa Rica again — at least not with Justin Bobby — and who can blame her? The guy looks like Stephen Dorff went skiing and became a homeless car mechanic all at the same time. Somewhere in the distance a Lauren Conrad collects residuals.

2010-06-29T14:48:00.001-07:00

I’m just... I’m trying to process whatever the hell happened on The Bachelorette last night. Surely, it was the best evidence of why we watch television, but I also think that it may be a sign of the coming apocalypse. Isn’t that what the Bible said? Locusts, plague, red moon, insanely addictive reality show shit-storm presented in a family-friendly medium. I think that’s what it said — Leviticus was basically all about The Bachelotette.

The episode starts off with a bang, when Chris Harrison tells Ali that he has something that he needs to talk to her about. What could it be?! Is she being charged with manslaughter for leaving Kermit up there on that mountain? Is Kermit being charged with moose-slaughter for carving Ali’s face into the sides of their still steaming carcasses? Did Roberto’s STD test come back positive and all of the fun of this show is going to be sucked slowly out of our dear Ali’s soul? No. Chris Harrison received a phone call today from one of the Bachelor’s GIRLFRIENDS confessing that she was in fact dating one of the stunning lads and that she had been speaking to him throughout the process. He said it just like that. No slow build, no sugar-coated wording. Just a sure, swift stroke of truth and the bandaid was gone.

The news isn’t over, though. The girlfriend would like to speak to Ali on the telephone. So, Chris Harrison goes over to the wall phone in their Turkish hotel room and I suddenly remember that some people have phones that plug into the wall. Phones with cords and giant buttons and receivers. I feel so young again. Chris Harrison dials the number — I wish it had been a rotary phone, that he would have turned the wheel back and forth and said in a Peter Faulkner voice, “Here’s the deal, ‘ya see? I got Ali Fedotowsky next to me and she needs the truth so stick it to her straight.”— but that didn’t happen. Instead, he dialed the numbers (beep*boop*beep*beep*boop) and waited for an unusual amount of rings for someone to pick up. All the while Ali stands next to him, slack jawed and aghast, her bottom lip suddenly even heavier than it usually is. When the voice on the other end finally picks up, meek and mellow, it’s one of her former Bachelor castmates. They chit-chat about how the experience must be crazy and how it’s nice to hear a familiar voice, but really Ali’s just thinking that this bitch needs to get the show on the road.

What comes next is a strange sort of admission. This girl knows that one of the guys has a girlfriend and she knows this because she’s sitting with the girlfriend. She tells us it’s Justin, but we already know that because of her insanely annoying Canadian accent and the establishing shot of her house that said she was in Toronto. What’s the deal, ABC? Couldn’t spring for the good cameras to go all the way up to Canadaland? Ali begins to tense up when her contestant friend hands the phone over the girlfriend, and so do I. She looks like some kind of a terrifying version of a New Jersey porn star — like Danielle Staub and Amy Winehouse had a crazy night with a horse and nine months later this little lady popped out, all teeth and apologetic TV crying.

So then the chick vomits out the whole sob story of what happened. She and Justin have been dating for about two years, she knew that he was doing the show, she encouraged him to go on it because it would be a foot in the door into the entertainment industry for him. He told her that his goal was to make the top three, because then everyone knows who you are — Justin, honey, no one really cares about The Bachelorette — but then it all changed. About two weeks after his leaving, Horseface found out that Justin had ANOTHER girlfriend, one that he had been dating for a few months. She’s telling Ali all of this because she knows now that things are getting serious and that it’s not fair for her to get too far into the lie. That’s a big steaming pile of dogshit — I think that there are other reasons for her finally squawking — maybe the two of them planned to drop the bomb at some point, thinking that he might be going home anyway (it certainly seems fishy that someone previously associated with the show was somehow in on the whole ruse). At any rate, Ali was not in on it and she seems to be out for blood. She begins barking demands at poor Chris Harrison: Where is Justin? Do the other men know? Why couldn’t the weatherman have predicted this storm? BRING ME THEIR HEADS!!!! No wire hangers!!!

I don’t know about you guys, but I like this Ali. She seems rejuvenated and a little unhinged and it’s just always great to be able to see people realistically reacting to nonsense on reality shows. She goes stomping down the hotel hallway, out for vengeance with poor, sweet Chris Harrison tagging alone after her. She knocks on the boys’ suite and Lawyer guy answers the door, surprised at the presence of Chris Harrison. My boyfriend comments that this show would be much different if it were Chris Hanson and I chuckle to myself.

So, here it is. Ali gathers all of the guys together and right there, in front of everyone, starts in on a tirade so full of sassy teenage venom I felt like I was being infused with bitch energy just by watching. She begins, "You know I know that this process has been hard for everyone — especially for you, Justin, since you have a girlfriend." BAM! Justin just sits there, sort of dumbfounded, and replies with the exhaustively insipid, "Really?" while a Grinch-like half-smirk creeps across his face. This dude is so horrifyingly mean that he's actually getting pleasure out of embarrassing this girl on national TV.

But satisfaction aside, it's all too much for Rated X, so he hobbles back and forth through the hallway, literally running through the rooms like a little child. He grabs his passport and his wallet because "that's all he needs" and Roberto takes this opportunity to comfort Ali by creepily rubbing her thigh. If ever there was an appropriate time for a televised inner thigh rub, it was probably this moment. Ali excuses herself to go talk to Rated X and he just hobbles down the hallway, running away from her. A few P.A.'s scuttle out of the camera shot and the chase goes all the way down to the courtyard of the hotel. I really want this whole thing to be sped up and infused with old timey video grain and Busby Berkeley chase music. All the while, the rest of the guys watch the fiasco from the window of the hotel room. Boy, is this good television.

The scene below is comically futile for poor Rated X. He keeps running away from Ali and she keeps catching up with him, like some kind of speed-resistant slasher flick serial killer. He tries futilely to gain entrance to the hotel restaurant, but some small Turkish waiter holds the doors closed and wags his finger "No. No falafel for you." This gives Ali enough time to catch up to him and attempt the injustice of touching his shirt. "DON'T TOUCH ME!," he bellows, and suddenly you're seeing the facade of family-loving Justin drop and some sort of mean, Canadian monster come out. He walks through some planters and over a waterfall with his boot — like, seriously hobbles his broken ass over a water installation just to get away from the crumbling mess of his master plan.

When he finally returns, no doubt prodded by producers, he's full of excuses. He has strong feelings for Horseface, but who could tell if it was love. He NEVER contacted her, but the montage of phone messages he left while on the show — played over him hobbling away from the hotel — tells a different story. I really can't recall a reality program so shamelessly belittling someone appearing on the show. I could watch this all day long.

The rest of the episode happens, and frankly, it's all pretty boring compared to this mess. Ali has one-on-ones with cowboy Ty (whose face is just a little off) and Frank (whose trepidation about the process is probably exactly how most normal people would react to having to watch a girl they're dating make out with a bunch of other dudes), but in the end the Lawyer, the only guy I would actually date on this show, has to go. Because he's a nice guy with average looks and that's just not enough for our fair Ali. As she told Rated X, she's here to find her husband. She's serious about it. As serious as a Roberto inner thigh rub.

2010-06-28T16:16:00.001-07:00

If you haven’t been watching Persons Unknown, you probably should. As I’ve said before, summer mystery series are one of my favorite things on television. They’re perfect popcorn TV — when done right they keep you guessing for the whole summer. But then, the guessing is gloriously over in about three months and we don’t have to deal with ridiculous story lines after a reveal (i.e. Desperate Housewives) or ridiculous story lines leading up to an unsatisfying reveal (i.e. Lost). Really though folks, this one’s pretty fun and it’s only three episodes in — plenty of time to get caught up!

When last we found our hodge podge band of kidnapees, they were attempting with little success to escape whatever hell hole they had mysteriously found themselves in. When we pick back up, they’re trying yet again. Digging a hole underneath the city (and hoping to bypass the microwave fence preventing them from leaving) they’re exhausted after the week of teamwork. Then they hit something. It seems like it’s a metal wall — a pretty intrepid undertaking but nothing too out of the ordinary considering the scope of the prison they’re in. But it’s more than a wall. Its vents open to reveal slit-like openings and before anyone has an opportunity to inspect the new discovery, it starts spewing out gas. Frantic to escape, everyone stumbles out of the hole, nearly leaving Janet behind.

So, that dastardly plan has been thwarted but there are still things that they can do to escape. Perhaps finding a way out isn’t the solution. Perhaps they need to find a way to bring rescue to them. So, the kidnapees run about town, gathering anything and everything they can find to make themselves a giant bonfire. But nothing lights on fire. It appears that everything, literally everything, has been doused in some kind of flame retardant element. That sucks. But just as all hope looks to be lost they see a helicopter flying overhead. Janet’s the only one smart enough to find something reflective to flash at the pilot, and the 'copter begins to come low. Too low. It hovers for a while and finally lets a package drop.

Back in San Francisco-land, douchey reporter dude is, apparently, back on the case. I don’t really think that they’ve done a very good job of flushing out what his motives are and why he would defy so many death threats to find out who this kidnapped mother is. He returns home only to find his things strewn about and a PI sitting in his chair, pointing a gun at him. He tells him to stay away from the story and steals all of his evidence. But additional death threats and beat downs are no match for this dude’s reporting instinct. He breaks into the PI’s office, steals all of his evidence and peruses his email. He finds emails from both Janet and from Janet’s mother — both looking for Janet’s husband. There’s also a phone number listed for an off-shore bank deposit of $10,000. He calls the number only to be met by the same static that Janet met when she was attempting to speak with her daughter. Then the creepy starts, he gets a call on his cell phone with the same static. The next real world scene we get is of the PI approaching a cop with a huge clue in the Janet kidnapping — the identity of her elusive husband. When his photo is revealed, it’s none other than our intrepid reporter! So, is this a set-up to get him off of the scent? Is he really interested in the case for ulterior motive we could have never imagined? This is why we need to keep tuning in!

Back in Nowhereland, population 15 (give or take), the box drop has been, erm, dropped and the helicopter flies away, all hope with it. As the group approaches it, it explodes open. Inside are canisters for each of them. Most are empty, but three have gas masks inside. Considering the gassing that they’ve just been treated to, the masks are at a premium. Needless to say, there’s a lot of infighting for possession. Janet blah blahs about how she has to get back to her daughter and Cameron retorts that he also has a sob story about his terminally ill wife — shouldn’t he be getting a mask, too? I agree, what the hell is with this lady and her kid? It seems to be a lot of unfounded anger. She gets even more angry later, when she's trying to enjoy a nice tub of ice cream in Ye Olde Soda Shoppe and she finds paintings of her daughter and mother enjoying banana splits. Unhinged, she races to the mental patient lady and threatens her with a bottle of scotch. It’s all very strange and I have a feeling that there’s something major that we haven’t been told about her stories.

With only three masks and the omnipresent threat of gassing, the rest of the troupe goes stomping off to look for make-shift protective gear. Car salesman guy gets all creepy on Blondie, and she reacts by kicking his ass. Hmmm, where the hell did she learn all of those take down moves? Speaking of Car Salesman, he sees a video in a storefront television screen of Cameron smothering his wifey. Looks like these people have a lot more secrets than we know about.

While all in the hotel lobby, the conspicuous gassing begins and there's a frenzied search for protection but, in my opinion, not enough of a frenzied search for escape. Car salesman guy steals Cameron's mask from him. The night (and now day) manager locks his own door behind him and blondie goes after him. But then something strange starts happening. After a few moments of frenzy, a few of the people with brains realize that nothing is actually happening to them. The gas isn't toxic. But something else is. The gas masks begin to fill with some sort of green gas and Janet's the only one fortuitous enough to pry them open with a letter opener. Crisis averted.

After all of that (and a little more character development--like mental patient lady saying that she purposefully stayed in the institution because she felt safe there) Marine dude and Janet receive a bowl of fortune cookies and instead of playing the sick little game, they throw them in the trash. Something tells me that this isn't going to work out very well.

2010-06-28T10:00:00.000-07:00

True Blood was, er… odd last night. Turns out, vampire sex makes me really, really uncomfortable. But there were plenty of normal moments in the episode too, at least normal for True Blood. Here’s what the people in Bon Temps have been up to:

Jason: Ever since he “got himself a drug-dealer” last week, it seems that Jason has found a new calling in life — being a police officer. Two things are alarming about this off the bat: first, Jason will follow a cause with the drop of a hat — remember his months spent converting to a crazy Christian cult? And secondly, he’s dropping one too many, “I can do this better than Andy Belfleur”’s for my comfort. It looks as though the vindictive, little-boy-hurt part of Jason is coming out and I don’t like it one bit. But we’ll probably be seeing more of it, as the only way that this idiot is going to bypass the deputy test is to cheat his way into the police department.

Tara: After punching the shit out of some rednecks, we find Ms. Suicide herself holed up in a nasty hotel room having some kind of insane sex with the mysterious English vamp who helped her get revenge for Eggs — you know, the one who’s also been nosing around Beel’s house. After some tantric nonsense, an almost bite (retracted because she “wanted it”), and a little bit of pillow talk, Tara gets freaked out by the fact that Vampy wants to know personal shit about her, so she runs out of the room and back to Merlotte’s to work a bartending shift. After serving Jason a drink — and getting confused by his ever-increasing (seemingly) displaced guilt — she gets a call about Eggs’ funeral going on. She shows up, only to find out that she’s the only person in all of Bon Temps to come to the burial. I guess people just don’t care enough to send serial killers off into the next life. But who paid for all of this? “I did,” says Sookie after walking out of the shadows in another pastel sundress. Best friend makeup time! Come live with me again! Okay! Blah, blah, hugandblah! The most interesting part of the Tara-sode comes when Vampy pays a visit to the Stackhouse home and charms his way into an invite. He wants to know all about Sookie and we want to know all about him.

Jessica: Poor, beautiful Jessica. Turned so young and so dumb. Wondering where her dead body has gone, she seeks guidance from the only other vampire she knows — Pam. But Pam is otherwise disposed at the time, fang-deep in that Estonian’s who-ha. Not only will this chick let Eric bang her out for 12 hours but she’ll let those chompers near her nether regions? Sweet Jesus, she’s a masochist. So, here she is. Without help and confused and who comes along but good ‘ol Vampy. He just saunters into the Compton mansion and Jess laments not knowing that a vampire can barge into any vampire home that he wants to — it’s humans whose residences he’s protected against. Acting props go to: Jessica, for playing the next scene like a dumb little girl instead of a dumb little girl trying to hide something. When Vampy asks her if anyone in her life has gone missing she replies that yes, her maker Beel Compton has, and it isn’t a bit of a rouse. She’s just too dumb for that. Beel isn’t exactly who Vampy was referring to, and he proves it by pulling the dead guy’s head out of a paper bag. See, his job is to “find things,” and since he’s done something to help her, she owes something to him. What does he want? He wants to know all about Beel Compton, and this chick starts spilling the beans like she’s in a Lucy episode. Vampy is the best thing to come into Bon Temps for quite some time.

Sookie: We get to find out what happens with the whole Eric/werewolf showdown! Sookie fires her gun at the wolf and Eric throws himself in front of the bullet to ensure that this dude can talk. But as soon as he starts bleeding, the wolf smells his blood and starts going rabid for V. He attacks Eric’s bullet wound like a frenzied addict and Eric can barely fight him off. It takes a bullet from Sookie’s gun to put him down, and even then Eric isn’t interested in trying to extract any information from him. He wants to kill him while he has the chance. After burying the assassin — the two has so much more chemistry than she and Beel!—Sookie wants to know who Jackson might be. Eric informs her that Jackson was referring to a place, not a person, as evidenced by the “obvious” Mississippi accent. It’s a funny aside that’s an obvious reference to the God-awful accents on this show — chief among them, Sookie’s. But this piece of information is just too much for our intrepid Sookie to told hold onto and do nothing about. Eric, knowing that she’s an idiot, tells her not to go, but she’s a big dummy and he knows that his words are falling on deaf ears so he sends her someone to act as a bodyguard. Alcide! He’s a werewolf whose family owes Eric money and he’s dreamy in that Olivier Martinez kind of way. Thus begins the roadtrip adventure to Jackson, where Alcide takes Sookie to a werewolf bar. It has wolves painted everywhere and people are wearing leather (except Sookie, who’s in a white sundress and "looks like lunch”) and God, do they love pool! Basically, werewolves have blended into human society by disguising themselves as bikers. Turns out there’s a whole new pack/old pack rivalry going on, with classy hunk Alcide being part of the less violent older crowd and the dudes who try and ravage Sookie and some guy who stole Alcide’s gf being part of the new. More shirtless werewolves, please.

Sam: After coming back from his near deadly run with little bro, Sam decides that it’s time to get back to Merlottes — leaving it in the hands of trigger happy Daddy-to-be (actually, that’s not his baby after all) Terry and V-mogul Lafayette probably isn’t the best business decision — and his trash family has mixed feelings. So Mommy, Daddy and jealous little bro make a road trip down to Bon Temps and end up taking trays full of shots before Sam kicks their drunk asses out of the bar. Something tells me this isn’t going to end well for the newly reunited family. At night, Sam’s security system is triggered (Sam really is the smartest person on this show) and he walks into his ransacked office only to find a mysterious bird flying away. Being the only shifter on the block was so much easier than this.

Beel: When last we saw our faithful Confederate soldier, he had just thrown an oil lamp at maker Lorena. This didn’t do much to take care of his problem, but she did look pretty awesome burnt to a crisp in charred, black riding crops. The King’s husband is freaking out because his rug from the 13th century has been ruined and I LOVE this queen. Vampire life be damned, there soot on the rug! The King reveals to Beel that he is currently doing Lorena’s bidding — hinting strongly that that bidding includes bodily harm to Sookie Stackhouse — but that he’d rather have Beel in his arsenal. Still thinking it over, Beel flashes back to three years after he was turned. He went to visit his wife and children, only to find that his son had been taken by small pox, his daughter sent away and his wife in shambles. This is all too much and Beel is overcome with emotion, causing him to cry tears of blood, which freaks the wifey out just a bit. After calling him the devil and a demon and various other names, Lorena comes sweeping in, telling Beel that the line between the human and vampire world must stay separate and that pain can only come from a blurring. She commands him to force her to forget that he was ever there and presumably leave forever. This memory reminds him that he has caused innumerable pain to Sookie too, and he pledges his allegiance to the King of Mississippi. Lorena is pissed when she finds out that Sookie is not to be harmed and hurls a bunch of insults at Beel. This precipitates the weirdest scene I’ve ever witnessed on television. I can’t even bear to type it out, but it involves violent copulation, Exorcist-esque head twisting and professions of love.

And that was True Blood.

2010-06-25T09:37:00.000-07:00

I guess I'll talk about it. I taped The Real L Word, thinking that it might be entertaining and that perhaps (because it's on Showtime) it would illuminate the lives of real people in a real, unscripted way. The premise of the show is this: Lesbians in Los Angeles live, work and love. The twist that drew me in was that several of the cast members were the actual people who the characters on The L Word were based upon. Not that I watched that show either, but I thought it might be an interesting meta study in modern mediums, you know, to watch where it all began.

The pilot delivered on several levels. The women on the show do appear to be real. I think they're more exhibitionists than they are fame whores, so participation in producer-setup scenarios is much less frequent than on many other "reality" shows. I also feel like there are several people on the show, most notably the two engaged lesbians and the former player in a fledgling romance with a single mother, whose motives are probably educationally based. By this I mean that I think that they want to show the viewing audience that being a gay woman is just like being any other woman. And these people do show that. They dote on their dogs and watch TV and even deal with squabbling during child-handover after a split-custody agreement.

It's the other ones I'm worried about. They're all partying, promiscuous and afraid of commitment. It's annoying to watch a bunch of people like this in general, but when the piece of pop culture in question is serving another purpose (and intentional or not, it is) character portrayal needs to be tread lightly upon. The sad fact that exists in America today is that ecery individual is representative of the communities to which they belong. And when those communities include being a stigmatized minority, those actions (however minute or pedestrian) either support or refute the myriad assumptions about that entire group. That sucks. God, if I were representative of every copy editor in the world, they would probably think that we all like Lost to a creepy degree and crave ice cream like some people crave crack. And however much it sucks that I'm not judged that way and they are, it's still true. People in middle America, if they tuned into the series premiere of The Real L Word, would most likely reaffirm their assumptions that all gay people are promiscuous and irresponsible--incapable of maintaining a stable romantic relationship--and don't even get me started on what that means to proponents of Prop 8.

So, although there were a few highlights (I would watch a wedding planning show with those two ladies getting ready to tie the knot) mostly I just felt kind of sad a disappointed with this reality show offering. Oh, well. Guess I'll just have to watch some Lost repeats.

2010-06-24T13:35:00.000-07:00

Summer’s favorite plaything, So You Think You Can Dance, is happening so I guess I should talk about it. They’ve retooled the format this season to include only ten actual contestants who are paired with ten all-stars. It’s an interesting enough twist, and it does raise the dancing bar for the competitors to a large degree, but I’m just kind of — I don’t know — bored with all of the perfection. Anyway, here are a few of my favorite dances so far:

Just kidding. There aren't any videos from the competition episodes. Here are some videos of people I like:

Super gay Kent, who's just as gay as they come and is oozing gay out of his gaylobes ever since he came to H-wood from Wapakaneta. Kent, I love you.

Lauren's young and perky, and it will probably affect her down the road when she can't do sexy-time dance moves. But I think that she's just too darn infectiously joyous for me to resist.

Okay, I guess I found a video of Robert on the show. Here he is with Courtney looking so attractive it could burn your eyes out with pretty. Too bad he's more interested in Kent than he is me.

2010-06-24T09:52:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when I watch The City my heart swells because I like to pretend like this all isn’t incredibly scripted and that it really is a “little girl who could” story in NYC. Sometimes, like while watching this week’s episode, I just kind of want to throw things at the television and vomit into Ke$ha’s garbage bag boots. Here are some of the high-and lowlights of this episode:

1. Whitney has a big fashion trade show coming up where she can come into contact with buyers and store owners who might buy her lace leggings. It’s srs bzns and Kelly Cutrone is all hard-lined PR lady talking about questions that might be asked — aubergine this and egglant that. Those are actually the same color, but Whitney and her hair bow don’t know that so she just kind of stands there and looks vacuous and frightened — like she usually does — which I sort of just don’t get. This chick has the balls to wear a burnt orange Grandma drapery jacket but she can’t sell her own fashion line?

2. Olivia is charged with styling an Elle photo shoot for Ke$ha. I think they did this to me just so that I would have to type out K-E-dollar sign-H-A and hate my life. The party don’t start ‘til I punch Ke$ha in the face. While searching for accessories that exemplify “trashbag chic”, Olivia ends up in a store called Trash and Vaudeville. It’s my favorite kind of moment, just in general in life, because Olivia quite visibly thinks that she’s going to catch poor by being this far south of midtown. They have her try on some Bullet Boots (which are, of course, giant KISS boots with bullets and spikes on them) and she refuses to put both of the boots on. Maybe she knows something that we don’t know. Maybe if she put both of those boots on she would have lost all of her shiny hair power and gained 15 pounds and started shopping at Century 21. So she stands in her one boot, but does not walk, because that is somehow worse. She seriously says, “I’m not walking in these.” Some punked up shop girls make fun of her and she looks sad and dejected, just like that time that Blair Waldorff went to NYU and couldn't wear her headband.

3. The trade show is kind of a hot mess. People come and look at Whitney’s lamé (accent optional) jackets and unflattering pants and some stores buy some of them. A creepy Italian comes by and wants to see them on an actual person. Kelly Cutrone, in her infinite wisdom, suggests that Whitney strip down and throw on some of the clothes which is both creepy and flattering in the best kind of Kelly Cutrone way (“we don’t have a model because we have a recession going on, but who needs one when your designer looks like this).

She puts on some kind of a shiny halter thing but she’s still wearing her regular bra and it reminds me of this one time that I ended up swapping shirts with a girl at some party, thinking I looked extra hot, only to realize later that my black bra did not look so cute with the pale pink halter. The creepy Italian dude likes bra straps though, and decides to order a little bit of this and a little bit of that, sending Roxy into a frenzied panic of numbers and letters and writing. Really, she just has to fill out an order form but Roxy is not “not very good at school”, which can loosely be translated into regular world speak as, “don’t trust me around children or important papers." Even so, the trade show is a success and Whitney feels like she’s finally cutting out her piece of the pie in this crazy town.
4. Louise meets Olivia for lunch for no other reason than to defecate on Erin’s plans to turn them into enemies. They talk about Elle.com, Olivia comes off looking like an awkward robot and Louise comes off looking like a beautiful, English fairy princess. They bond over fashion and don’t eat a bite of the food that they purposefully haven’t ordered. Now, this is what NYC is really like.

5. Turns out creepy Italian dude’s order fell through, so now Whit’s stuck with all of the inventory that he promised to purchase and has no excuse to continue her side stint as a replacement model on-the-go. Roxy gets blamed because she didn’t follow up on the order but she claims that she had no idea that she was supposed to because Whitney didn’t specifically request it. After Whitney walks away, equal parts sad and mad, a mash-up of “Enter Sandman” and the Peanuts theme song plays in the background. Kelly deals Roxy some advice: "Every time you see her acting like that, just remember like, what’s going on in her head. I’m scared, I’m without my family, I might lose everything that I have, and I’m not sure about what I’m doing." It’s pretty good advice, had Whitney been any normal person trying to make it in NYC. But given that she comes from money and gets paid like $20,000 an episode to tape this god awful show, she’s not really going to be destitute if this whole Whitney Eve thing falls through.
6. The Ke$ha photoshoot happens. The “singer” in question stumbles in wearing a leotard and 6-day-old matted hair (I think her dignity’s somewhere in there!). Olivia’s aflutter with doing her fake job, suggesting high end purses that just do not go at all, and showing off the one-of-a-kind “trashbag shoes” she had designed especially for Ke$ha.

People "ooooh" and "ahhhh" over them, but they honestly look like some black heels that I tied garbage bag scraps to. Why are you bringing yourself down to this level, Joe Zee?

7. In what possibly could serve as the best catfight this season thus far, Olivia tells Erin that her “masterplan” (people say things like this?!) to “pin” she and Louise against one another isn’t working. Erin retorts that the phrase is “to pit against” and denies have such a plan, which actually probably is true. I’m sure she just wanted to show how much better an option Louise could be without all of this extra drama and Olivia still being around business. Olivia comes back with something that involves the word “whatever” and I laugh and laugh. People not knowing what words mean is funny.

2010-06-23T15:00:00.000-07:00

The Bachelorette headed off the Iceland this week, proving that a whirlwind romantic tour ought not include cold climates. Everyone is so bundled up in parkas and peacoats that only their personalities are left to shine. It's really more of a dull glow. The weather also highlights the fact that 3/10 dudes you know bought those Russian bear hats last year, and they look like idiots when they’re standing together. Task #1 for the guys is to write Ali a love poem. So, off the men go, careening through the streets of Rychavichlandbjork and asking unsuspecting Icelanders how to say “I’m here for Ali.” Hey guys, you know what’s hilarious? Americans butchering other languages! Oh, the rest of the world, why do you even bother?

The guys perform their poems: Kirk’s is pretty good and it seems like he’s learned from last week’s Roberto-moment-of-genius and instead of screaming into the wind, walks up to Ali and recites the words of love. Frank’s is also decent, but when he walks up right after Kirk walked up, he looks like a cheap, Chinatown knock-off. Rapey Eyes, who I’d previously forgotten about until this episode forgets his lines (like, he literally says, “I forgot my lines", which makes the meta-scripting of this show sort of apparent for a split second and makes me laugh inside with glee). But although Rapey Eyes shares a facial feature with Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, he does not share the same acting ability. Not to be outdone in the “making the viewer uncomfortable” category, Kermit the Frog recites his love sonnet and boy, is it unrecognizable as the English language. To be fair, I’m sure he saw what all of the other boys were doing and sweatshirt wrapped around his neck like a babushka, but without headwear (because that would mess up his hair), he too ventured off into the Icelandic wilderness to frighten them with his voice and get another tattoo on an unnamed body part. And I’m sure somewhere in there he recited the Icelandic words for “protect and guard” but in the end they needed to subtitle him and it seemed that he ended the poem with something about her chest. I realize that this is the set-up episode for his leaving and that Ali should probably be sleeping with one eye open, but I’m gonna miss old Kermie.

Kirk wins the date and they go shopping for sweaters. It’s one of those scenes in reality television that bugs the crap out of me, where the person “looking for love” waxes poetic about how awesome the person who they’re on a date with is, simply because they’re easygoing or fun or have a sense of humor. These aren’t difficult-to-find qualities. They’re prerequisites, like having limbs and disliking Nickleback. Ali feels like Kirk’s “holding something back” (2010 candidate for most overused reality TV phrase) and I start salivating that he has some sort of a secret past as a female circus entertainer. Alas, he just has some pseudo sob-story about living in a shitty house in college that made him sick. Ali thinks that it explains why he’s so positive but I’m just wondering why living in a cheap house in college that gives you colds while simultaneously experiencing nights where your legs feel numb makes you a survivor. If I had a nickel for every time I paid rent in a house that no human should be living in and drank so much I experienced psychosomatic paralysis, I could probably buy myself a rose. It was certainly worth that for Kirk, who will be around for another week.

When the list for the group date comes to the house, everyone but Kermit the Frog and Rated X are named, setting the end of the episode up for the epic show down between the two most caricature-worthy dudes in the house. But in the meantime, Ali goes out with a whole gaggle of dudes, including my boyfriend Frank, the balding lawyer, cowboy Ty, Rapey Eyes, Roberto and the other one. Ty seems poised to win the rose given that the group is riding on horses and he’s a cowboy. God, I know they keep my office at approximately 37 degrees, but I’m getting cold just thinking about horsing around in that barren wilderness. Worst. Date. Ever. So, it comes as no surprise that when they finally reach the destination: a hot spring, that everyone strips down to their bathing suits faster than you can say, “I can’t believe he threw me under the bus.” Ali tells Frank that she feels like he’s not pushing his way to the front enough, and really, he isn’t. Probably because the idea of competing for a female like she’s a free t-shirt in a bar is perturbing.

Then the whammy happens. Rated X and Kermit head up in a helicopter with Ali to overlook the majestic snow and mountains of snow and flurrying snow and a FUCKING VOLCANO! Iceland is freaking me out, guys. They drop down and explore an ice cave with ice furniture and they call it “so cool” and the wrestler (now being referred to as “the wrestler” by Frank…lol) has his cast off so he’s feeling extra walk-y. It all looks very cold to me and it’s the worst kind of torture to make these people do their one-on-one’s sitting in the fucking snow. Not even Kermit deserves this. So, Rated X talks some Canadian and then it’s just Kermie and Ali and his tattoo and the snow and the volcano and perhaps some caribou or whatever mammals live in Iceland. Ali says that all he has to do is “be normal” which is actually kind of genius, but this is a frog we’re talking about. When he finally takes his gloves off to really tell Ali how he feels there’s still a small part of me that thinks he might be going in for the strangulation, but he ends up showing her the tattoo — its 11 studs for the 11 studs competing for her heart, the heart for her heart, the lock for his protection, and the dry skin and scabs to represent whatever grows in his throat to make him sound like that. Ali just stares straight ahead thinking, “This is how it ends. On an Icelandic volcano, my breath slowly being stripped from me by a crazed man who seems to always be underwater.” The Frog King goes on about how he hopes he can show it to his wife someday and I think he might be talking about the ladies he keeps stuffed and posed in his basement; they’re going to love the tattoo. The crazy’s just too much and Ali chooses Rated X, resulting in Kermit being left on the mountain, never to be seen again.

Back at the mansion, or whatever, the guys are getting one last chance to impress Ali, as there’s still one more of them going home. The lawyer is funny! And charming! And draws a tattoo on his wrist so that Ali can laugh about that whole debacle instead of waking up 17 times a night, checking her closet! But, he’s also balding and average-looking so I’m thinking he’ll go home next week. To contrast, there’s Rapey Eyes, who talk with Ali goes something like this:

Ali: Tell me something about yourself I wouldn’t know.
RE: My ex-girlfriend used to always say, “You’re so funny.”

And that would have been actually funny had his stilted delivery and tangible awkwardness been intentional.

Ali: What’s your biggest vice?
RE: I really like…Mexican food.

WATCH OUT EVERYBODY, THERE’S A GUY ON THE LOOSE WHO ENJOYS CHIMICHONGAS!!!

Spoiler Alert: He goes home. But Ali, that hug seemed so warm and natural!

2010-06-23T10:19:00.000-07:00

The convoluted mess that is the Audrina/Ryan Cabrera break-up continues this week on The Hills. After awkwardly attempting to break up in a bar, then actually breaking up on a couch, then attending one of Ryan’s concerts with all of her friends, Audrina sits down with Ryan to break up with him again? Except this time, it’s for real. This whole thing is totally confusing to me and I feel like I’m the one who needs a boat trip birthday party just to try and unravel it all. But I guess it’s Audrina who needs a rest from her movie role in that one slasher movie and all of the acting that she does on The Hills and the copious amount of plastic surgery she's gotten and always staring at the ceiling. The girls (all of them, because they’re all best friends now — even after all of their infighting and boyfriend stealing and drunken screaming at each other) go shopping for Audrina and decide that jewelry is a better gift than splitting a nice dress.

Oh, Stephanie Pratt, that’s the easiest way to spot a cheap person. Just ask them to split a bill at a restaurant and watch as they elbow their way into separate checks because they’re just getting a Caesar salad and never tip above 10%. Not cool, Stephanie Pratt. Not cool. They also decide that, given the break up, that the perfect party guest would be none other than Justin Bobby! Sounds like a terrific idea to me.

Next, we see the group go out to a club to do what they do best — get sloshy drunk and have casual sex with one another! Brody has hat hair from wearing a ski-cap in SoCal and Kristin is already loopy from her fourth rum and diet. Holly Montag is even there! She doesn’t get any lines, but they just keep inviting her to things, hoping maybe they can capitalize on a little of the Montag family crazy. You’d better bring to realization those alcoholism rumors or get 17 plastic surgeries or break into someone’s house soon or you’ll be on the outs, Holly. Speaking of breaking and entering, good ‘ol Ali Lutz is there with McKaela. I’d like to think that after last week’s public admonishment of Ali, that McKaela received a bouquet of edible fruit and a note that said, “Dear McKaela, I didn’t steal anything in Brody’s home but you’ve stolen my heart. Love, Ali” and that true love has been blossoming ever since. In reality (TVLand), the producers have told the two villains from this season to show up at this club, sit on a certain couch so as to frame the shot, and harass the rest of the cast.

Ali takes it a step further and stands in front of Kristin like some sort of playground bully, finally settling in uncomfortably close to her on the couch and pleading that she is innocent. It gets confusing for me here, because Kristin tells her that she “hates her because of Brody,” but I thought that she was in the bed herself? Wouldn’t she hate her because of her own recognizance? Anywho, for whatever reason drunk Kristin does the typical drunk girl thing where she doesn’t realize that she’s touching Ali’s face while her finger flails wildly. Ali retorts that she should get her hands off of her and Kristin responds that she should get her hands off of her. Later in the night, Ali and McKaela fall asleep in each other’s arms, echoing the scene with back-and-forth repetitions of “No, I love you more.”

Awkward time at Smashbox Studios on what appears to be the next day. Kristin shows up to take Lo out to lunch (haven’t these two hated each other since high school?) and runs into McKaela while Lo is conveniently in the bathroom for a long period of time. The two newly appointed enemies squabble back and forth about how “Kristin was just mad that I was dating Brody” which was strongly shot down with the fact that “You’re not dating Brody.” That’s true, but neither are you, Kristin. No matter how many times you tell yourself that your relationship is special, you are — in the end — just another one of Brody’s jump-offs.

The best part of the episode happens when Kristin meets with ex-hookup and ex-boyfriend to her ex-enemy-turned-new-BFF Audrina, high-end European fashion model, Justin Bobby. She, in a cut-off denim vest and he, in a cut off plaid shirt being used as a vest, bond over how much of a coincidence it is that wardrobe outfitted them in similar clothes (which they keep referring to as “cut-offs”, as if that’s something that people say) then Kristin gets down to business. She thinks that JB should “be there for Audrina” on her birthday, like she’s some kind of a burn victim or something. After mumbling some nonsense about how he’ll always have feelings for Audrina, he agrees to come.

So, when the big day of Audrina’s birthday finally comes, everyone gets onto a boat captained by a grizzly old man who, no doubt, contemplates capsizing/suicide somewhere between the dock and Catalina. They frolic and Justin Bobby almost kills them all when he’s manning the boat and there are cupcakes and , of course, booze. Except for poor alcoholic Stephanie Pratt, who sips on her mini-water bottle and looks morose. Justin Bobby and Audrina have a moment on the boat where Justin says that Audrina has grown from her relationship with Ryan Cabrera and he’s grown from his many dalliances — the producers want the audience to think that the two of them are going to get together but it’s never going to happen. Audrina has a burgeoning acting/ceiling-watching career to think of.

2010-06-22T11:51:00.000-07:00

True Blood is back guys! And it’s gayer than ever! Which, I might add, makes me love it even more. So, back in Bon Temps things are trying to get back to normal — whatever that is in a town populated by vampires and serial killers and shape-shifters and Meanads and now, werewolves! MaryAnne has been killed (thank God, that chick was annoying me!) but there are remnants of her presence all over town: the Stackhouse home is still covered in (now dead) vines, Jason is reeling with guilt from shooting an even more guilty Eggs and Tara is trying to kill herself over her grief of losing her man. And Sookie, oh, Sookie now, she’s just bereft over Beel being taken by someone after their ill begotten engagement dinner.

So, let’s tackle one thing at a time:

Tara: Sookie’s BFF done gone cray cray. She’s all sad about Eggs, which I kind of get, but wasn’t most of their time together spent in an imposed trance that neither of them could remember? How do you like this guy this much — enough to swallow a bathroom full of Lafayette meds to make the pain of losing him go away? Luckily Lafayette (wearing a stunning ensemble of a bedazzled purple jersey and low-waisted belt) breaks into the bathroom just in time to save his cousin’s life and tell her stupid mother off. If anyone deserves to be called a “hookah” by big L, it’s this lady. After her thwarted suicide attempt, Lafayette takes Tara to see his own mother, played by the incomparable Alfrie Woodard. She’s in some kind of an institution being cared for by a strapping male nurse named Jesus. If I’m right, this delicious piece in scrubs has a good degree of chemistry with sassy Lafayette, and we’ll be seeing more of him later in the season. If we play our cards right, hopefully we’ll be seeing more of Lafayette’s mom too because racist diatribes aside, she’s as interesting a character as this show has seen. It also doesn’t hurt that she provides terrific acting fodder for Lafayette — a scene in which he claimed to be working 2 real jobs (and a big illegal one) to pay for her medical bills because he didn’t want her around was as subtly played as anything that I’ve seen on TV this season. After the hospital visit that was supposed to show Tara what she could end up like if she doesn’t straighten up (some nonsense about VooDoo evil in the family or some bullshit) Lafayette takes her to work with him because she can’t be left out of his sight. So, while Lafayette flips burgers, Tara gets drunk at the bar. Who comes in but a mysterious vampire looking for TruBlood and asking why Tara is there. She, of course, responds that she’s trying not to kill herself and this intrigues the new guy who is wearing some pretty spectacular cowboy boots (more on that later). Later in the parking lot some rednecks are pissing (literally) on Eggs’ grave, so Tara drunkenly goes after them. They respond with a round of racist comments and vampire dude swoops in the save the day. At first he seems to have a chivalrous Beel Compton moment but his “Apologize to the lady” soon turns into a bloodthirsty lust that comes with Tara punching the shit out of these guys. The fangs come out and a new relationship is hinted at.

Jason: After shooting Eggs in a moment when he thought he was protecting Andy, Jason has been forced to corroborate the story that Andy killed Eggs in self-defense. But now that Andy’s being treated like the local hero for offing the serial killer, Jason seems to want in on the action, and nothing is making him feel better. Not a threesome with NYU co-eds, not shots down at Merlottes (I, for one, think that it’s a bit insensitive to be drinking around Andy while he’s trying to recover from his alcohol problem), so Andy takes him along for a meth lab bust. Andy tells him to sit still in the car but of course Jason (so stupid but soooooo dreamy) wanders out into the woods to chase a girl who he sees wandering around. It’s certainly not the most logical thing to do, but Jason Stackhouse has about 3 screws loose. After the mysterious chick runs away faster than you can say, “Werewolf in Bon Temp”, a meth offender comes running out and Jason tackles him to the ground. See? All of that bible army training did pay off!

Sookie: Anna Paquin and her gap tooth are wandering around anywhere they can, looking for some news on where Beel Compton went. After finding a car full of dead guys with werewolf brandings, she tells Eric about her super-sleuthing and he lies to her, telling her that he knows nothing about it. Then, at Merlottes she sees a lurker in the forest and runs out to yell at him. What a fucking idiot! God, I wish Terry hadn’t been there and instead of finding those man-to-werewolf tracks she had actually been ripped to pieces and fed upon, never to be seen again. But, it didn’t happen, and now we’re left with Sookie stomping around her house, trying to clean up after MaryAnne and failing at acting her way out of that paper bag. Eric, feeling “disturbingly human” after seeing Sookie cry decides to check up on her at the Stackhouse home and make sure that there aren’t any werewolves coming after her. Good thing, too, since after asking her to ask to invite him in — and have lots of raw, animalistic sex with him — he demands it, only to find a werewolf already there! Oh, shit! I thought there was going to be an awesome fight but then Sookie shot (something) and the episode ended with me hanging, as usual. Why are all of these men so drawn to Sookie? I don’t really see her appeal but that’s probably because of how horrific the actor is playing her.

Beel: Before we get to what Bill’s doing, let’s talk about what’s going on in his house. Jessica still has her stinking corpse hidden underneath the floorboards in the closet and she’s asking Pam for tips on what to do with the body. The pairing is actually sort of genius and I like Pam much more as a mother-figure to Jessica than I do Sookie. But when Jessica rents herself a chainsaw and tries to dispose of her waste, she runs into poor dolt Hoyt who just wants to be with her so that they can work on their problems together. It sucks that Jessica slams the door on his face, because I’ll take a whole hour of looking at Hoyt. I have a crush on that boy. And the problems don’t end there for Jessica. When she goes looking for the body, it’s no where to be found. I think it might have something to do with the mysterious person searching through Beel’s house, nosing around in hidden drawers at SECRET FUCKING FILES pertaining to Sookie Stackhouse. Something tells me that Beel has an idea about what Sookie is, and something also tells me that the mysterious somebody being nosy and stealing bodies likes his cowboy boots sassy.

So, not on the homefront, Beel has been kidnapped by a bunch of werewolves and suddenly realizes that he’s in Mississippi (after feeding off of some poor, old lady) — sparking a frenzied rush to get the hell out of there. But that’s not to be since he’s surrounded by werewolves and is forced to systematically take out legs and ears and leave them whimpering and naked in the forest. After Beel does his ass-kicking, the muthafuckin’ King of Mississippi rides up on a steed. He commands the werewolves to get off of Beel’s nuts and asks Beel to join him at his castle plantation. It’s all very regal and elegant and begins to make sense when his fabulous husband enters the picture. I don’t remember his name but we’ll call him Armando for the time being because, let’s face it, he looks and acts like an Armando, what with his Blood Gelato and volunteer drainings. There’s an elaborate dinner where the King explains that he wants to marry the Queen of Louisiana (for title and power only, there’s Armando to consider) but she’s a little tepid on the idea. So, in order to force the resolution, he needs dirt on the Queen, dirt that he’s convinced that Beel knows. Beel, of course, knows some shit on the Queen but won’t give it up for all of the Sheriff titles and cactus plantations in the world! He’s just an innocent vampire who wants to live in Bon Temps and bang a waitress. It’s all getting a little tense when in comes Lorena, looking dashing in riding chaps, and Beel can’t take anymore so he hurls a gas lamp at her (of course there would be one on the mantle) and lights her ass on fire. The gifs are priceless.

Sam: Having gone off on a vision quest to find his family, Sam succeeds! He stumbles into the upgraded trailer home of Mr. and Mrs. Greaseburn at gunpoint from his little brother and gets to hear all about how his parents didn’t know if he would be a “shifter” (his mom is, his dad isn’t) and how they hoped that they could give him a better life by selling him to the Merlottes. Well, turns out they were wrong and Sam boo-hoos to his brother about it, who in turn boo-hoos about living in his broke-down trailer and after a pissing match of “who needs therapy more” that's very exhausting, they decide to go for a run. When Sam turns into his adorable Collie-mix, Little Bro chuckles and changes into a massive pitbull. They run and frolic and it’s fun bonding time until Baby Sam tries to get big Sam hit by a truck. Hey, it beats Thanksgiving at my house!

Other News: Flashback to Eric and Godric as SS officers undercover trying to infiltrate the secret werewolf Nazi regime that is being bossed around by (presumably) the King of Louisiana. We miss you Godric! You look so dashing in that uniform!

2010-06-17T11:54:00.000-07:00

In this edition of The Hills, we veer away from the real life going on in last week’s episode and fall back into the reality TV zone.

Stephanie has a second date with that lacrosse player dude who looks like a turtle, and to make it as non-awkward as possible, they decide to eat dinner at her apartment. Oh, Stephanie’s apartment. Remember when Heidi kicked Spencer out and he just sort of lazed around Stephanie’s apartment and acted like a dickhead? Remember Spencer? Gosh, he was a real character, wasn’t he? So, anyway there’s salad that Steph refuses to eat because she “knows how it was made” (what does that even mean?!) and the nice guy brings Girl Scout cookies. It’s actually pretty cute. That is, until the guy starts talking about hanging out with his brother and Stephanie chimes in with the fact that she has a brother too — in a wistful sort of voice that makes their days of visiting Nana seem oh, so long ago. (BTDubz, reports say that no one ever visits Nana anymore and that she’s totally bereaved about it, sitting there on her floral couch, thinking longingly of Heidi's golden weave.) She spills the beans that they haven’t talked at all in about five months and that ever since she got her DUI, it’s been all downhill. It all comes spilling out of her mouth like a stinking hot puke pile. I get that she doesn't want to feel like she's lying to the boy but this is your first one-on-one date, he doesn’t need to know every damn thing about you.

Later she talks to Lo about how she just isn’t ready, and that it would probably be more healthy for her to find someone who is also sober to date anyhow. I guess that makes sense, but isn’t this girl constantly out at the clubs? Isn’t that endangering her sobriety?
McKaela goes out to lunch with Ali and they have a talk about whether or not the “intense” rumors are true — god, that’s such a producer thing to write. Real life people don’t say that shit is intense. They say that it’s insane or confusing or batshit crazy. Anywho, Ali responds with an explanation that Brody in fact let her into the house and he was totally worried about the ring that she lost. It doesn’t sound like the tale that she told in the last episode and she’s legit starting to look a little crazy. But now that Spencer and Heidi are gone, I suppose that crazy is just what we need on this show.
This is also the episode where MTV makes Audrina break up with Ryan Cabrera. It all starts when all of the crew is up in the club, and who walks in but Justin Bobby. Ryan gets all uncomfortable, probably because the rest of the girls are acting like wild banshees who have just won the drama golden ticket. Audrina’s acting a little uncomfortable too — like maybe she’s been caught somehow? Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but this chick looks a whole like a classic ho whose sidepiece just walked into the restaurant she’s at with her boyfriend. JB is “looking good” according to Kristin and Stacey the Bartender. I think he looks like a homeless Jawa. That’s right—I just used a Star Wars reference.

He shakes Audrina’s hand and it’s really awkward, but then the really interesting part happens. Justin Bobby starts talking about Ryan Cabrera as if he’s gotten some kind of a tattoo in Hell’s Kitchen and now he’s the protector of his heart. He compares himself to Ryan, calling him “another rocker guy” and talking about the “rock lifestyle. It’s laughable on both counts. Look, Ryan Cabrera’s sub-pop brand of acoustic nothingness really ought not to be referred to as rock music and you Justin Bobby, are not even legitimate enough to be able to receive a label. He goes on and on about how Audrina went through too much with him and how she “doesn’t deserve that anymore.” Anymore?! So, she deserved it before? The best part of the whole thing is when JB tries to act like some sort of chivalrous gentleman and shake Ryan’s hand and Ryan hold true to his high-five edict from earlier in the season by saying, “I high five.” Justin Bobby does NOT high-five. Who the fuck do you think he is? Are you aware that he owns a custom-built motorcycle? So, like many great polititians of lore, Ryan counters with a compromise: the “high fist bump.” Fucking genius.

Ryan decides that they should leave soon because the whole thing is awkward and he just wants to spend time with his girlfriend. That seems sensible to me, but not to Audrina. Her moral compass has told her that wanting to leave a drama tornado was totally a pussy move. This was his chance to stand his ground! He should have stood up for himself! God, remember how much of a dreamboat Justin Bobby was? This stability and respect thing is just so unexciting! I want to get on the back of that bike again! The last straw for A was seeing Ryan whine to her in concert with some “You Came Into My Life and Suddenly I Started Shitting Tulips” song. She asks, “Can you tell that I’m crying with my sunglasses?” Stephanie responds, “Yeah, kind of. Your lips.” You know who wouldn’t have had this problem? Heidi. Full facial overhauls are useful. As she’s told him earlier, the honeymoon stage of their relationship is over and it’s particularly bothersome that people around her notice that something’s off when they’re all out. This, of course, is totally worse than her emotionally abusive, one-sided relationship with dude-you’d-like-to-bring-home-to-mom, JB.

The main drama of the episode is reserved for the Nylon Magazine party, of which the entire cast is in attendance. Wow, Nylon, that totally worked. I do love The Hills and I am now sufficiently intrigued to go purchase your magazine. So, Brody’s there with Frankie J. and then the girls walk up — Kristin looking like some kind of Klingon with that ‘do (Star Trek and Star Wars in the same blog?!) and then the unimaginable happens. McKaela — now fully connected since her entry-level job at SmashBox Studios has made her a lady about town — is there and she’s brought the dreaded Ali Lutz. Everyone is aghast because, as we discussed last week, Ali Lutz is the second coming of Hitler. McKaela marches straight into the lion’s den and desperately pleads with Brody to call her sometime, anytime. Please… please?

And then Kristin lets loose her claws. McKaela tries to say that she wanted to be her friend but Kristin has clearly had four or more tequila shots and is beyond the point of reason. She starts screaming at McKaela about not being a bitch and screaming at Ali ( who has now come into the fold to call everyone jealous and call herself hot — um… yeah…) McKaela limps off like a sad puppy, telling Ali that she’s ruined everything! This seems like the perfect time for Brody to tell Kristin how much she means to him and the tequila seems to be taking it pretty well. Looks like a lose of a night for McKaela. Maybe next time, slugger.

2010-06-17T08:46:00.000-07:00

I’m going to preface this entry about Bravo’s new show, Work of Art: The Next Great Artist, by saying that I am not an art expert. I tend not to “get” modern art (pop elements discluded) and I know about as much about the process of creating art, real art — not the crap that’s mass-produced for middle-American walls — as I do about physics or car repair. Which is to say, not much. But like dance, I have an immense respect for art that can only be placed on the border of awe and reverence, because I can’t do it. I’m good at a lot of things. I can write and sing and accessorize with the best of them, but I cannot learn choreography and I cannot draw a human being — or sculpt anything that resembles what I was attempting to make, or dream up the sort of landscapes that the people on this show (and in workshops, spare rooms, basements, studios and garages all over the country do). And so it is from a decidedly non-expert but respectful place that I approach watching this show.

The set-up is that artists from all different mediums tackle challenges every week to try and win an exhibition at the Brooklyn Museum of Art, which for a modern artist is almost as good as showing at MoMA. The concept is similar to most Bravo competition shows, and in keeping with something like Top Chef, drama is mostly passed over in favor of concentrating on the highbrow creative stuff. It’s refreshing — and entertaining (even my boyfriend likes to watch!) — and it’s such a credit to both art and television as a medium that entertainment can also be educational, highbrow can meet lowbrow to make something important but frightening (to a mass populace that’s used to the sort of shit that I post about on my blog) palatable for the Average Joe. So, bravo, Bravo! Now I feel comfortable to rip apart these really talented peoples’ works!

Nicole- “Tomb”: When Nicole found this huge old console I was excited about the possibilities. It’s probably something that I would have gravitated toward (mostly because on my "Top 5 Things to Make Before I Die" list is creating a fishtank from a television and I basically would want to paint this white and fit an aquarium inside and stick a nice vase on top). Nicole went in another direction, encasing various technological gadgets found at the “electronics cemetery” in cement in order to represent the death of technology and the role that time plays in casting aside older things. I think. I don’t really know, it was all very conceptual. Nicole doesn’t really bother me — I think that her conceptual art was well thought out without being pretentious, something that’s really tough to do. But it wasn’t visually stimulating to me. It didn’t make me feel, it made me think. I’m of the opinion that the best art ought to do both.

Jaclyn- “Transmit”: They didn’t really spend much of the episode explaining this, but from what I can tell it’s an overwrought metaphor. A piece of electronics being drowned, then being hung, then trapped in an artistic frame. I’m trying really hard to get it, but mostly I just think that Jaclyn is trying really hard to make some big comment on technology. Ugh.

Trong- "What Would Tom Friedman Do?": Trong’s awesome hair created three small TV’s looking at one larger TV. The three smaller ones are painted with colorful static and phrases like “I hate reality TV” and “I’m a PC”, while the larger one said, “Up next: WWTFD?” Which begs the question, who is Tom Friedman? Why, he’s a bougey art critic who, blee de largh blah. Guess what Tran, people don’t get it. Your art was incredibly self-serving and, as the judges pointed out, just plain self-referential, which means that anyone beyond you won't like it. Apparently one of them also accused him of not being an artist but being a curator and a writer, which is most likely true. It’s like Tran thought about the formula of art, what works and what doesn’t. What makes him feel. What he should be doing. But execution is different than understanding, and not all of those who understand the formula are able to plug it into something that ignites. Tran is eliminated and it’s probably for the best. I will miss your haircut Tran. I really, really will.

Ryan- “Zebra Vacuum Spiral"- Fuck this shit. This is a pile of crap that was painted black and white. Fuck it.

Peregrine- "A Conversation Between a Widow and Herself": Sometimes when I go to a museum I don’t initially understand a piece, and then I read the title and it all makes sense. In the best cases, the title causes me to linger at the piece thinking about it and taking its point of conception into consideration. I’m sure that art purists think that is cheating, that art ought to stand alone. That if the piece needs its title placard to make sense, then it hasn’t succeeded. I’d like to think that even in the most wordless spaces that the efficacy and beauty of language still has a place. But hey, I’m a writer, so you’d probably expect that. This piece is one of those that didn’t make much sense to me until I read the title. I think that it translated Peregrine’s own sweet sadness into a thematic commentary on loss, humanity and television in a way that is both critical and respectful of the place of TV in our lives.

Judith- "Ain't No Grave": Even crazy ol’ bat Judith couldn’t really explain what this piece was, and that’s probably because it’s just shit arranged to look like shapes. Why did we not get to hate on her pussy painting with a blanket over it last week? Why must we be subjected to this crap? Because she’s old? Because her work was representative of the feminist movement 40 years ago? Modern times change, and you have to change with them. You should have made some art about that, Judith.

Miles- "Worst Place”: Miles says that he has ADD and OCD but I think that he actually has Aspergers, explaining both his OCD symptoms and his inability to concentrate, as well as his blatant social awkwardness. He’s fast emerging as the golden boy of the competition, and although he had immunity from winning last week he pulled out another win here. He seems to have a leg-up on the competition given that he’s so well-versed in such a variety of medium techniques but the way that these things work is that they set you up so that you can fall, and frankly I’m a bit worried about how Miles is going to take failure. This week though he’s still on top, with a piece that incorporated performance art (he fell asleep in the gallery!) and a couple of cement assholes. Like, actual assholes. Visually, the setup is stunning. His screen printing work on both the rucksack/mattress/circuit board and (assumedly, although I’m not 100% on the medium here) the red circle overhead. While I don’t understand what the hell any of it means, I like it. So, there you go Miles. Now, try and keep your mouth shut at the judging panel.

Jaime Lynn- "Death of the Family Appliances": In defense of JL, she’s the artist whose work I would probably most likely hang in my home. She’s a painter with a whimsical air and an affection for all of the things that I love (jewels and crowns and gold and color and anything historical or vintage), but damn girl. You are not really understanding sculpture are you? This looks like a hot mess set piece in a Tim Burton film and I hope that you make a comeback next week.

Nao- “Mama”: I must begin with the warning that I really don’t like Nao. I don’t get her schtick when other people do it. I’m very picky about photographers. I think that she has a terrible attitude and I want her gone. That said, this piece is one of my favorites from this piece. It represents NYC in the best and worst possible ways and also uses the metropolis as a platform to comment on modernity — even alluding to Metropolis. You get a pass this week Nao, but I’ve got my eye on you.

Mark- "Dia de los Televisiones": The piece is perhaps a bit too obvious, but I like it. It’s a kitschy commentary on the alter of television and also incorporates cultural elements that are often overlooked in the white-washed art world. But if this dude goes back to his pseudo-pornographic photography BS, I’m gonna be pissed.

Abdi- “Tube”- Abdi, my love. I have not seen a piece in your portfolio or that you’ve created on the show that I wouldn’t have in my home. I think that you — and this piece — are a perfect representation of the show itself, the coming together of high art and pop culture. Basically, this sculpture is my childhood too, and I love you for it.

Erik- “Untitled”: Here’s the thing, Eric: I want to like you. I want the little guy to be able to make it in the big, bad, snobby art world. But there really is something to be gained from just breathing among other artists, to traveling down the traditional paths. Your instincts are good and you obviously have talent but your pieces look like high school art projects. I hope you learn from the next few weeks because you deserve to leave soon.

John- “New Stock: I don’t know. There was some story about having a crush on his friend’s older brother and something about him always having new pieces of technology in his room but I don’t really understand it. Not the worst. Not the best.

2010-06-16T14:16:00.000-07:00

It’s that time again, guys! The Real World is back for installment # 678 (now with more herpies!) and they’re returning to old haunt New Orleans because where else are they going to go? Orlando? St. Louis? Guam? Remember the original Real World: New Orleans? I do, and I feel really fucking old. I loved super gay Danny and his pixelated-face boyfriend in the Army. Isn’t it nice to see that after all this time Don’t Ask Don’t Tell has been repealed and…oh, what?...it’s still in effect. Huh, that seems like the slowest civil rights movement ever. So, there was hot gay Danny and crazy Morman Julie and Melissa who stripped and inspired me to make little paintings with animals wearing scarves on them, and there was also David of da-bo-dee-blah-bo-dah fame and that was possible the best thing to happen on reality television ever. So new kids, you’ve got a lot to live up to. Can they do it? Here are my initial thoughts based on the totally unscientific and judgmental process of reading about them on MTV.com and Vevmo.

Knight: His name is actually Ryan Knight but like all awesome people and/or douchebags he goes by his last name. He used to be a collegiate and semi-professional hockey player (who wracked up A LOT of penalty time) but then he got injured and done got addicted to pain killers. Lest we believe that MTV was responsible in any way, shape or form, they’ve placed a recovering addict with anger issues on Bourbon Street.
Defining Features: Gap between two front teeth, bro hair.
Most Likely To: Get into an ill-fated relationship with a roommate.

Jemmye: Without fail, every year they give me someone with a ridiculous name to blog about. This chick is from Mississippi and she does not give a fuck about what the culture down there thinks! She loves gays! She smokes weed! She dates black dudes! I’ll sum up her bio for you — she’s a ho. The most interesting/disturbing part is this: "She enjoys casual sex with no commitment… Jemmye frequently discusses the intimate details of her sex life with her mom.” Defining Features: Tattoos, Vagina tattoo.
Most Likely To: Slut it up with roommates and locals alike.

Eric: Look at those eyes. Look at those mf-ing eyes! Dude is hot. He works for the state, traveling around the world to do whatever-it-is-that-he-does and also does stand-up comedy at night. His bio says that he’s a “ladies man” and a message board poster referred to him as “fairly well-spoken”, so there’s your free piece of racism for the week.
Defining Features: Did I mention those eyes?
Most Likely To: Romance one too many ladies and piss me off.

Sahar: This chick is a Muslim from Deerborn, Michigan which is kind of like saying that she’s an Irish Catholic from Boston. She’s also a “singer and actress” who goes by the moniker “Hollywood” and who was in the International Thespian Society in high school. Basically, she sucks. A lot. I’m sure that I will dislike her with all of the fury that I did Ayiiiiiiiiia.
Defining Features: Gross mole above her lip, grating overconfidence.
Most Likely To: Talk about her political and religious affiliations while making herself look like the exact opposite of everything that these represent.

Ashlee: Jesus Christ, can we stop with these vowels already? This is the ugly one, and in this cast, that’s saying something. She’s an “athlete” which means that they cast her on this season so that she can compete on Challenges. She was the captain of her D1 basketball team, so I’m not going to take that athlete label all that seriously. In her bio she claims that, yes, her lips are real and I would hope to god so, because those things are not cute.
Defining Features: Fish Lips, Tacky “Going Out” Clothes, Body type of a Lumberjack.
Most Likely To: Start fights because she’s not getting any attention.

Preston: He has a hyphenated last name and wears bowties a lot. He also had a crack-head mommy and is fabulously gay so I’m a bit worried about there just being random screaming matches after too many Margatinis. Here’s the other thing: why can we never just have two black dudes on this show? Why does one have to be flamboyant so that the other can choose not to hang out with him? Would the MTV world explode if two black men bonded?
Defining Features: Bowties, Wire-rims, Tight Pants, Bulge.
Most Likely To: Get in a wagging-finger-in-your-face fight.

McKenzie: In a feeble attempt to appear “different” this chick stuck a sandstar in her hair. A sandstar. Who the f do you think you are? Brooke Shields? Her facebook and MTV profile paint her as a pseudo-hippie. Unfortunately for her, that’s my least favorite type of person. She was also in Delta Delta Delta and has lived in the same small, Florida town her entire life. Welcome to The Real World annoyingly-spelled name girl. You’re about to be scarred for life. If you want to be annoyed, take a look at her tumblr.
Defining Features: Long mermaid hair, sea creatures used as hair pins.
Most Likely To: Lose her religion.

Ryan: What a special flower this kid is. The previews show him being annoying and his roommates ostrasizing him. His bio tries really hard to prove to us that he’s “unique”and that his OCD and ADHD are to blame for his neuroses. I say that a dude who not only seeks out hair styling as a profession but gives himself those tresses is just asking for it. The interwebs tell me that he’s in a band with that Brittany chick who won Paris Hilton’s BFF and was her fake friend for awhile so it seems that he runs with famewhores. Hooray!
Defining Feature: Haircut that looks like a comic book drawing, smirk on his face.
Most Likely To: Create superficial drama.

So, there you have it. I leave you with pictures of the tacky, tacky house — where decorators thought that beads were a fair replacement for actual taste. Also, dead foliage.

2010-06-16T10:10:00.000-07:00

Real Housewives of New Jersey made me want to just give up last night in several occasions. It opened on the culmination of the throw down between Dina and Danielle. It went something like this:

Dina: I’m a reasonable human being who is saying reasonable things.
Danielle: Bllarrrgggghghghg!!! Ashley! Facebook!
Dina: What Ashley does has nothing to do with me.
Danielle: Your sister-in-law said mean things about you!
Dina: You’re crazy.
Danielle: Don’t you ever call me crazy! Ever! Ever!

“Jacked Rick Springfield” (thanks for that one, Dina!) and his goon come in and look sort of confused about Danielle’s retelling because, I mean, even ex-cons who agree to appear on Bravo reality television shows as gross caricatures of Joey Buttafuco know when someone is straight spewing nonsense.

Dina meets up with the Manzo girls and tells them how cray-cray Danielle was. Caroline says I told you so, and although I’ve sort of veered away from my eternal love for Caroline this season what with all of the hardlined defense of family business — even in the cases of them being wrong — I have to admit that she is a spot-on judge of character. We also see Jacqueline acting like a teenage gossip in this scene, and I’m beginning to be annoyed with how much pleasure she takes in talking shit. You have three children — stop it.

The Manzo men (and Ashley’s boyfriend and that dude Danielle boinked last season) have a poker night and buy $600 worth of meat for it. As the men crowd around the table and pound their giant wooden gavel (really?!) the women filter in every so often to present them with plates of prociutto and meatballs and it’s a little annoying how they’re just basically servants. Jacqueline is bothered that Danielle’s ex is there — mostly because there’s talk that he leaked their sex tapes and she’s not okay with being associated with that. So they call him into the toy room (the New Jersey equivalent of a waterboarding chamber) and ask him point blank about the sex tapes. He tells them that “most of” the tapes were sent to him from her, that they didn’t even include him, that she was doing all sorts of “crazy stuff” in them and I feel a little bad for the 50-something formal model who now looks like the anti-plastic surgery poster child, that she felt desperate enough to send nasty material to a man who is half her age (not that I buy that for a second) but who is balding and ugly and talks badly about her to his friends. Teresa’s eyes light up at the knowledge of Danielle’s desperation, because her life is so much better than hers, her choices so much more clear. Come on lady, you’re $11 million in debt. Your life is a mess and your forehead is a one-head.

Word out of Danielle’s camp is totally different. She gets together with her own gaggle of gals (take that Manzos! I can have a team too!) but it all stinks, and I mean stinks of that all-too-familiar smell of desperation. First of all, these ladies are old. And, I get that they’re probably the same age as Danielle herself but at least she’s trying to fit the Housewives of New York standard. At least she goes to the gym and gets her eyes lifted and wears trendy clothes. These ladies look like they actually belong in the suburbs. Even Kim G. looks like someone’s Grandma and the worst offender is an overweight woman with poorly highlighted bangs and a love of tapered khakis. I mean, TAPERED KHAKIS. If I wanted to watch the real housewives of real life I’d just go to Walmart.

So, Danielle and her dumpy soccer moms are at Olive Garden and Danielle opens up with, “ I met with Dina Manzo!,” as if she needed to say her last name, as if these people would actually hang out outside of this mess of a show. And the ladies are all chomping at the bit, overacting to what she says with the faces and words that were on todays sides but it all looks like the kids fake talking in the party scene of a high school play and I, for one, am suddenly recognizing just how much this town must hate this show that these are the only people fame-hungry enough to play Danielle’s posse. She pulls out her phone and shows them an email entitled “Closure” that Dina has sent her and flicks down the screen, scrolling to represent how loooooong the email is but it’s on a phone with a 2x3 screen and I mean, it makes sense that it would take a couple clicks to get down to the bottom. It also makes sense to me that Dina would want to enunciate everything that she wanted to tell Danielle in a medium that doesn’t include perturbed diners and a screaming ghoul in your face. Danielle doesn’t agree and responds with the cleverly worded, “Lol. Whatever.” That Danielle, she’s so good with her words.

Later the ladies stand around in Kim’s house like they’ve just been invited to their first cool-kid party and Danielle’s all “Oh, I have a sex-tape. Woe is me,” and the ladies try to look like that’s not actually like a shocking thing in suburban NJ, and Tapered Khakis is all like, well, I think you need to date again because you’re figure is so amazing (only old people say that people have nice “figures”) and they need to see her get naked for her date. They all head off the lingerie store and hoot and holler and Danielle’s chicken legs come out of the dressing room in various get-ups and I think that this will be the worst of it until the whole gang goes to a strip club to get lessons, but mostly to watch Danielle practice her old moves. Tapered Pants is there and she looks crazy awkward and Kim G. is really, really un-sexy and arrhythmic, but it’s Danielle’s time on the pole that actually makes me almost lose my soup and salad. For some reason Jacked Rick Springfield is there looking nasty as all hell and it’s at this moment that I realize that he’s more than just her muscle and I re-taste the minestrone all over again.

Kim G., the two-faced little old lady that she is, visits Jacqueline and tells her all about the Danielle shit-talking and Jacqueline discounts it all but all I can think of is that this Kim G. is the worst kind of sneak and I can’t wait until Caroline gives her her comeuppance. It really sucks because Dina has decided to leave the show and Kim G. is her replacement. FML. I will miss you Dina, you too Mr. Wrinkles. Enjoy your crystals and candles and keep looking fierce!

2010-06-16T09:07:00.000-07:00

Is anyone else watching Persons Unknown? It’s this summer’s Harpers Island — you know, a serialized mystery whose payoff happens at the end of amazing weather instead of having to wait six years to find out that the last season was, in fact, just some sort of dogmic purgatory. So, knowing what the hell happened at the end of a few seasons? Check. Thorough writing staff and film-like production quality? Not quite. But for what it is, Persons Unknown is good enough popcorn TV. The premise of this one finds a group of people waking up locked in what appears to be hotel rooms, not knowing how they got there or where they are. Some remember getting into a cab, some simply went to bed like normal, some are mysterious brooding bearded men whose background “you don’t want to know about” and whose intentions are as gray as half my closet. So, it’s not boundary-breaking character study but it is sort of creepy in the kind of way that after they break out they find an abandoned small town and there’s a whole crew of Chinese people cooking them dinner. There’s also a creepy “night manager” at the hotel who looks a lot like Mr. Bean and a microwave fence around the perimeter or some shit, but more on that later.

Here’s a handy guide to the kidnapping victims:

1. Janet Cooper: She’s the main character of the show — the one whose kidnapping we get to witness and who will, assumedly, serve as the moral compass for the mystery. In "Pilot" we watch as it appears that her daughter is about to be kidnapped but then she is in fact taken away. There’s a shady past with her shady, mysterious ex (who she can’t even seem to locate with the help of a PI) and she has one creepy, Type-A mother who is currently taking care of her daughter, Megan. Given a fortune cookie whose text told her to kill Joe in order to gain freedom, she refused to play the puppetmaster’s sick game. Instead, she screamed at the camera in his room and made empty threats that she had no kind of leverage to make. I will, no doubt, find her super annoying but I’m sure her mysterious family connections come into play.

2. Sergeant Graham McNair: Look! An even-tempered black, Muslim soldier! This certainly makes up for the caricatures of Chinese people who work in the restaurant. Although his character has all the dimensions of a piece of paper, I like him because he’s pragmatic and has skills applicable to this situation. Although, his argument against torturing the Night Manager (“it never works”) is a little silly to me. That dude has to know something.

3. Joe Tucker: The MacGuyver of the show is probably an ex-mercenary or cop gone bad or just conman in general. He becomes the impromptu leader of the group, mostly because everyone else is a blistering idiot. You just know that he and Janet are going to hook up and I think that he knows more about this place than he lets on — or he did some job for whoever is running it.

4. Moira Doherty: Shit, this chick is Irish. At first Moira, wandering around is a bathrobe and looking intermittedly twitchy and insane, tells the group that she’s a psychiatrist. She explains that the implants in their legs are time and location released tranquilizers and later cuts those fuckers out of everyone’s legs. She also, apparently, knows a lot about butterflies, as we find out after Tori finds one in her room. She gets all creepy during her “bonding” time with Tori and I’m a little afraid of a predatory lesbian portrayal, but mostly I’m just concerned with the fact that she admits that she isn’t actually a psychiatrist — she’s actually a mental patient. And she cut those things out of their legs!!! I think she probably knows something more about this place, too — whether the crazy allows her to remember or not.

5. Tori Fairchild: This chick shows up hungover and snobby in a dress that’s too short for her own good. She’s the daughter of an American Ambassador to Italy/former C.I.A. head, and according to flashbacks knows a little more than she should about him. Her knowledge will probably keep her around longer than the typical blonde bimbo.

6. Bill Blackham: Here’s the asshole — there’s always one in these sorts of situations. His used-car salesman character reminded me of the dick in the remake of Dawn of the Dead, which led me to the realization that that dick was none other than Phil Dunphy of Modern Family fame — that show just got a whole lot more creepy. I get that the writers had to have a foil, and I’m sure that there will be some secret agreement between him and whoever’s running the joint that gets one of my favorite character killed, but for now I just want him to shut his fat mouth.

7. Charlie Morse: It’s Cameron! All grown up! Or, as my friend Meagan put it, “that guy who’s on all those TV shows!” He’s playing a CEO of some blah, blah, blah but all that really matters is that he’s very concerned about his “sick” wife. I suspect she’s crazy and was in the same loony bin as Moira.

And there are your main characters. Meanwhile, back in the real world there’s a subplot of a journalist hunting down the story (dead ends abound, especially when someone is sent to shut him up), Janet’s mom—who claims to have never even met her ex-husband (lie) and a bunch of untied ends in town.

My issues so far:

1. Why have they not searched all of the buildings in town? Why haven’t they covered up the cameras? Why are they still communicating out loud? Smoke that sucker out of his hole!
2. When they finally escape the perimeter, but end up looping back into town, I can buy that there’s some sort of optical illusion that points the road right back to where they began but why does everyone react like it’s an “Aw, shucks” moment? Where are their “What the hell is going on here?” faces? And why does no one ask the night manager where the hell he went when he ran off?
3. Speaking of, how about interrogating the Chinese Restaurant staff instead of just mowwing down on the food that is probably slowing placating/poisoning them.

2010-06-15T14:32:00.001-07:00

The most important part of this Bachelorette recap is that while some of my best male friends came to visit me in NYC, I got them hooked on this shitshow, and now when I post things like “I’m here for Ali” as my facebook status they actually respond to it with weather-related comments. That said, in last night’s episode we had to bid adieu to the source of all of these chidings. May he forever live on in the annals of my facebook wall.

We find Ali and the gang in my home city this week! New York, with its skyscrapers and Broadway lights and teeming masses (did you like my Statue of Liberty allusion?) is, as everyone knows, the city of love. Well, it’s at least the city of second dates. Less superficial than The Valley where the show began but still fraught with dirty, sexual tension — wondering what will happen when. And like New York (and The Bachelorette), if you just add a few drinks, some shit is probably going to go down — in a sleek cocktail dress no less! So, the guys have a challenge where they have to sing “Can You Feel the Love Tonight” for Ali in order to try to win a spot next to her in a performance of The Lion King on Broadway! Hooray! Finally someone’s going to let some white people into that show. I’ve been crying foul about the lack of representations for Dutch Afrikkaners in the animal kingdom for years, I mean, shouldn’t they at least be playing the hyenas? (did you like my 19th century imperialism reference?) After the contestants shit all over the dreams of thousands of aspiring stage actors, dancers and singers, spicy Roberto sings his way into Ali’s heart by doing the impossible. “He looked at her and sang to her. How did I not think of that?!” The couple put on ridiculous cat costumes (Ali’s makes her ass look about 3 feet wide, poor girl) and do some awkward wire work while the other guys are FORCED TO WATCH. This show is probably sentencing us all to the bleak, cold abyss of hell.

Seems that all of that showbizniz has exhausted our fair maiden because she comes down with something bad. She powers on through the cocktail hour though, and we get to watch as Weatherman meekly approaches for a one-on-one. “If I’m not interrupting then I’d…” he trails off into broken silence. “Yeah, actually you are,” the guy who she’s speaking to affirms in his best Lumbar impression. Ali just kind of condescendingly nods and I continue to appreciate the fact that this chick just does not give a shit about what the producers think. In the end, someone excuses poor Ali from the mess and walks her sick ass back to the room.

The next day she’s supposed to have a date with dude whose mom died but she cancels, instead asking him to come spend the day with her in her hotel room. Way to go Ali. That’s just about the quickest way to spread whatever plague you have to every last one of these poor suckers. They laze about and discuss this guy’s dead mom and the thought of his sorrow has suddenly energized Ali to the point of wanting to go on the date after all! So they meet up at an empty club (which is kind of creepy) and talk about this guy’s dead mom some more (seriously) and then Joshua Radin is there singing on the rooftop. He’s Ali’s “favorite”, cementing the fact that Ali has the same taste in music as a 37-year-old high school counselor in Boise. She gives this dude a rose because hey, nothing butters her muffin like a little dead mom talk.

Meanwhile back at the house, Kermit the Frog has apparently already gone on a date with Ali (I missed that part, dudes, I was eating a really amazing omelet) and has neither gotten a rose, nor been sent packing. The upside is that the pain and confusion is doing awesome things to this guy’s voice and it’s also causing him to make really, really good decisions. Like, really good ones. So, he goes traipsing through some terrible part of Brooklyn, looking for anyplace with needles and a release form. The trash is just swirling around him and there are awkwardly placed dumpsters and bikers everywhere and I’m worried for Kermit. Except then I see a street sign and he’s totally just a few blocks from me in Hell’s Kitchen and I’m not so worried anymore. But then it happens. See, I thought he was just going to get her a singing telegram or show up with a creepy collage book of their future children but this dude is walking into a tattoo parlor. And where should a clean-cut reality contestant with a permanent bubble in his throat get said “dedication to Ali” tattoo? Why, on his wrist, of course. So, he gets the gayest tat possible, a giant heart with a lock in front of it, and makes a wincing face that leads me to believe that he has a really small penis.

Remember grunge, guys? Remember when flannel was cool and you would wear it unbuttoned over a white baby tee? I sure do. I’m sure this chick in my fifth grade class does. See, when I was wearing knock-off Z. Caverricis and said top combo, she came to school in her dad’s oily lumberjack flannel and an oversized Looney Toons tee and it just wasn’t the same thing. She was just like Kermie, trying to do the cool thing and failing horrible. At least the guys weren’t as mean as my elementary classmates were. Maybe they should have been, though. After showing everyone his awesome tattoo (he only copped to it after Rated X weaseled the info out of him-- that clever Rated X, always so much smarter and wittier than the rest of the guys) they all just sort of look around the room in shock and incredulity. And then Froggie thinks that everyone was super impressed, that he really will get to “protect” Ali forever, that he finally does get to sit at the cool kid table. He’s so inspired that he even shows Ali the tat! No, I lied. He seems to have been stricken with a case of the Weatherman and never does get around to saying anything about it before my boyfriend Frank barges in saying, “I hope I’m not interrupting anything” in the kind of way that makes you think that he really does hope that he’s interrupting something.

So, as a result, the producers have to keep him around for another week (this time in Iceland! Maybe Christopher Cross will make an appearance!) and that one hot guy has to go home. Also, Weatherman who suddenly looks a lot shorter than he even did before. I think it’s all of the tall buildings. Farewell hot guy and Weatherman. I will fondly remember, um, I’m probably going to forget about you next week.

2010-06-15T10:16:00.000-07:00

How have I not mentioned The Real Housewives of New York reunion?! Producers decided to split the annual debacle into three separate parts, move no doubt brought on my the dramatic fury of these media-hungry wildebeests getting back together. The funny part about the decision though, is that there is actually enough fodder for three one-hour bitchfests. Ramona's having hot flashes and Bethenny looks like a mistress from Falcon Crest and Kelly fucking Bensimon is there, spouting nonsense about "systematic bullying." I could watch this shit all day long.

Below find my comments on each of the ladies thus far (in order of couch appearance):

Sonja: Fresh off of her Hamptons DUI arrest, the real star of this season swept into the tacky hot pink set in much the same way as she did during this season: all sex and bedroom eyes and Dorothy Parker sense of humor. My new best friend manages to insinuate that she is a high-class call girl ("my customers have to wait until after I put my daughter to bed") and tell any of the women that they have free reign to make jokes about her so long as they legitimately give her a chance as a human being. She also looked stunning in her crisp, white column mini-dress, saying that she didn't want to "disappoint" anyone. I'm pretty sure that she was talking about me and, no, I was not disappointed.

Alex: Here's the thing, Brooklyn: I know that you've grown a spine this season and all, telling Jill and the mean girls and whoever else will listen that you're no longer taking any of their crap. And that's all good and fine but not being a doormat doesn't mean that you have to actually "channel the devil"--as Jill so eloquently put it. You can't just barge into cocktail parties and initiate vendettas. You can't keep harping on Jill for things that happened a year ago and for which she has apologized. And you can't dye your hair that shade of blonde. It does not go well with your fair skin tone. Stop it, Alex--you in danga, girl.

Ramona: The eyeballs take the cake with this one (don't they always?) and while it's funny to watch the woman have hot flashes and blink asymmetrically and tell us that "injectibles" are not in fact the same thing as plastic surgery as if we bought her Boston Creme pie for her birthday when she clearly asked for pecan, she's going down the same path as Alex. Now that they're the underdog and the audience is on their side, they've gotten defiant and just plain mean in their triumph. Watch out, or you'll go the way of Jill. P.S., you look radiant in that Zac Posen dress but come on now with the HVC Ramona Singer jewelry. It's as tacky as the day is long.

Bethenny: Eight days after giving birth to baby Brynn, my girl is looking fierce and fabulous. This reunion finds our square-faced friend answering queries about the meltdown between herself and Jill Zarin and being accused of being a media whore. To this Bethenny answers, why yes, I am a media whore! Is anyone on this show not? Catch Bethenny Getting Married? Thurdays at 9! SkinnyGirl Margaritas! Jason Poppy! I will take issue with one thing: saying that "this is just the way I am, I shoot from the hip" does not excuse dickish behavior. Sometimes you just have to say, I'm a dick. Deal with it, or don't.

Jill: Poor, sad Jill Zarin. In this installment she is brought before the panel of housewives and I honestly do feel that this is a bit like Nuremberg. I mean, the lady is apologizing for every atrocity she's ever committed, but it's not like she killed anybody. Gasp! She asked people not to film with Bethenny! Gasp! She said Ramona looked crazy! I'm still not sure if Jill is genuinely apologetic or if she sensed the backlash and wanted to make things better before they got worse, but the fact is that she's saying sorry now. Ulterior motives or no, you have to be an adult and accept that. Jill: I need your shoes in my life. Now.

Kelly: At the end of this section of the reunion, we finally get to hear Kelly's side of the breakdown (er, "breakthrough) and it sounds a lot like those horns they're playing at the World Cup--annoying enough to effect how much can be enjoyed but not annoying enough for me to write a letter to my senator. But I'm just watching on T.V. and apparently even those horns are annoying enough in person to warrant a call for their removal. I feel like this is the same with Kelly, who uses her platform to vomit some nonsense about "public service" and how she's being "systematically bullied" by the girls both now (during filming) and on the Haunted Isle of Klonopan. It seems that Kelly's definition of "bullying" is everyone else's definition of exchanging words (sometimes positive things are said, sometimes negative things are said, sometime people interrupt your sentence to clarify something because you've probably started randomly talking about "satchels of gold" or "jellybeans" or "Al Sharpton"). The people who she's accused of being abusive toward her intermittedly attempt to speak up and this finally sends Kelly off stage and hopefully off of our screens. Dear Lord, I know I haven't exactly fulfilled all of the things that I promised last time I asked for something, but could you please make sure that this crazy lady gets cast on celebrity rehab? Amen.
The Countess LuAnn "Money Can't Buy You Love" Delaseps: LuAnn mostly does what she's been does the entire season: trying to rise above all of it but ending up looking like a flip-flopping party pooper. Her voice is even raspier than usual, probably because of all of those live "singing" performances she's been giving, and she manages to tell Sonja how declasse is was to call her gentleman callers "customers" and chide Kelly for instigating the drama on the boat. We get it lady, you have really awesome posture. I just want Kelly to say something about etiquette or proper attire to someone once, only to have a flute full of champagne thrown in her face, finally eliciting the LuAnn breakdown that we've all been waiting for. Five points to Gryffindor for that ring though, I need it even more than I need Jill's shoes.

2010-06-14T09:44:00.000-07:00

Last week’s episode of Friday Night Lights was perhaps the series’ best at examining a common theme since its inception: the gravitational pull of a small town. Anyone who has ever grown up in one knows that there are lifers — those who will be born in and die in the same four block radius. There are itchers — those who can’t wait to leave the indemnity of NoWheresVille, U.S.A. and make a name for themselves someplace else. And there are the Tug and Pulls — those who recognize the sad truth of the small town situation: things are easy in a small town, sameness makes one content. But contentedness is not happiness. It’s not the same as sadness either, which is a plus, but it’s certainly not enough for most people. So SomePlaceElse, U.S.A. seems appealing because it offers happiness and sadness and frustration and excitement — anything but the gray in-between on contentedness. But it also offers dangers that may be so large that they prevent anyone from venturing out into the big, bad world. And that’s the beauty of a small town. That the natural inclinations of individuals can be seen as clearly as the unclouded stars in the sky. That a Tim Riggins will always be happy in Dillion, no matter how much you push him to leave the nest. That a Tyra will fight and push her way out of the same dish at any and all costs because staying would mean suffocation. And that there are so many others whose destination could go either way, depending upon circumstance. Depending upon timing. Depending upon the lives and decisions of every other bug scuttling around in the Dillon petrie dish.

In “Stay”, a coaxing, soft lull compared to last week’s emotional tour de force by Zach Gilford, we see the impact of the decisions of Dillioners in all three categories. After exchanging a knowing glance last week at Matt’s father’s funeral, Lyla and Riggins find themselves once again drawn to one another. It’s a realistic portrayal of what happens is places big and small all over the country. Lyla is on midterm break from college and has come back to visit her daddy. She’s also come back with a mouth full of rage for Tim Riggins. Because he dropped out college so quickly, the college she worked so hard to get him into. Because he stopped calling or picking up her calls, even after all that they had been through. But mostly because Tim Riggins is a lifer, and no matter how many personal saviors come into his life (and Lyla Garrity really did give it a good shot), he’s never going to be anything different. So, the two do what any couple full on love but short on practicality would do: they use their three days together being together. They forget about the future and the obstacles. They say goodbye in a sweet, drawn-out lullaby kind of way. Tim half-heartedly pitches Lyla coming back from college to manage a booming Riggins Rigs, but both of them know that it could never work and in the end Tim watches as Lyla rides away from Dillon for the (metaphorical) last time. Kudos to Minka Kelly for delivering the subtle speech to (assumedly) fellow-itcher Becky about how leaving home doesn’t automatically fill in the holes you might have in your heart. Just because you don't need Dillon, doesn't mean Dillon doesn't need you. And that's a hard hurt to handle.

Elsewhere in Dillon people are playing football! Sometimes I seriously forget that this is what the show is about. East Dillon has to play a team who hasn’t allowed a touchdown is something like 11,000 games and on top of everything, the game is going to be televised! Vince continues to be chided by his asshole, thieving friend and his crackhead mother wants to come to the game. There’s a sweetly sad moment where she promises that she’ll clean up her appearance if she comes and I tear up at the thought of this kid having to juggle the gateway life that Coach is presenting him, and the shitty one he's been dealt. In order to get Vince, Luke and the other East Dillon boys ready for the game (of which that dopey assistant coach has guaranteed a win) Coach brings in the big defensive guns: the Riggins boys.

It’s fun to see Tim and Billy beat the piss out of these kids and it even results in Vince and Luke finally finding a way to working together — on and off the field. When the big game comes, the pairing (and Vince especially, now the official East Dillon QB are connecting), bring the opposing team’s zero-touchdown record to its knees. East Dillon doesn’t win — thank god — but they do go out against a formidable opponent with honor.

After losing his father in last week’s episode (and delivering a performance that had better damn well get him an Emmy nomination, if not win) we see Matt attempting to go back to normal. He tries to throw a football around with Landry but there’s an emotional gulf between the two old friends. He goes to a music festival with Julie — one that she was expressly forbidden to go to by her parents — but the gravity of the situation, and its presence as a game-changer is growing ever more apparent for the couple who we’ve rooted for from the beginning. After Matt finds out that Julie has run away without the Taylors’ permission, he explodes on Julie, eliciting the real reason why this trip was so important to the impish blonde. She wants Matt to feel like he’s gotten to leave Dillon, even if for a short while. Since his mother is now caring for his grandmother and the Army’s “death gratuity” effectually has the Saracens set for life, there’s nothing holding Matt to Dillon — except for Julie. It’s one of those moments when the truth becomes real when it’s vocalized, and now that neither can hide behind the veil of pretending it’s the beginning of the end for the star-crossed couple. The goodnight in the Taylors’ driveway, so similar to so many others, is in fact a goodbye — and both parties know it. I believe that Matt and Julie belong together, that perhaps in ten years after college and long-term loves and growing apart that they’ll find each other once again and become Eric and Tami 2.0. But for now, as in every episode of Friday Night Lights, the scene plays as it would in real life and Saracen pulls out of the driveway, past his Grandmother’s house and down a long stretch of Texas highway toward something so much more. Gilford, in one of his last scenes this season (and probably on the show) delivers his performance with the quiet stoicism that has come to mark his character, and when a smile creeps across his face you can’t help but be happy for him.

And that’s impressive, because when Julie walks back into the Taylor home — with a ferociously wound-up Tami Taylor waiting to pounce on her disobedient child — she melts into a pool of all-too-adult desperation. It’s the best acting that I’ve ever seen Aimee Teegarden do, and it rips to the core the heart of anyone who’s ever experienced this particular kind of loss. When you break up with someone because they cheat on you or because they’re just a dick, or even when it’s just too much that they like Slayer and you’re into Sia, it hurts but there’s a finality that comes with doing the right thing because it’s needs to happen. When a break-up happens because of circumstance, when you know that given a different time or place or set of people surrounding you that it would have worked, there’s nothing and no one to blame and all of that pain and anger scuttling around in a heart with no place to go is the worst kind of anguish. Tami does what Tami does best and stands by with someone who she loves when they need her most, even when that means letting her daughter make the rough transition into becoming an adult.

2010-06-10T10:41:00.000-07:00

The Hills did something this week that hasn’t happened in a long time. There was real drama, the kind you could tell wasn’t rehearsed by the folks of the show and the kind that gave us juicy insight in the real lives of Kristin and Co. Don’t worry though, lest we think that The Hills has suddenly changed forms from totally scripted show to realistic reality television, there was plenty of normal relationship flip-flopping, put upon introduction of new characters and the return of Justin Bobby — who brought us one of the best transcripts ever. Like, ever.

Our fearless leader Kristin and Stacey the Bartender (why is this girl best friends with Kristin now? How did she evolve from some trollop Spencer was trying to bang?) are at the hair salon getting their hair fluffed. I say fluffed because the faceless torsos who are working on them seem to just sort of run their hands through their hair and fluff it into different places. It’s very important that they get their hair fluffed because Stephanie Pratt (unlikely voice of reason) is having a birthday party and since everyone totally loves her, they’re all going.

Meanwhile, Stephanie and Ceiling Eyes are shopping at a candy store for god knows what and discussing the party. I lied, talking about Stephanie on Stephanie’s birthday would be too much of a normal and gracious thing to do, so they chat about Ryan Cabrera being out on tour and the sparks that flew when Justin Bobby took off his shirt for the 10-minute long drum solo at his band’s show last week. You know the one, Audrina tilted her chin down into her chest so that her eyes would be pointed at JB instead of the ceiling and then she fainted from over-arousal or malnutrition or sheer vapidity. It’s clear that the producers have told Audrina that Justin Bobby’s unwashed claws are still in her.

Then we head over to Smashbox studios where Audrina (used to?) work as a receptionist and now Lo fills some kind of position after attending a real life four-year university. She’s also gotten her old sorority sister/new cast member McKaela hired (presumably both at Smashbox and on The Hills) so she starts telling her to compile giftbags because Smashbox is both a shoot studio and a cosmetics line, making the Carwash/Strip Club concept from The Real Housewives of New Jersey seem not too far off-base. And then they get to talking about Brody. See, McKaela has gone out on a date with Brody once and he told her that he’d be nice to her and keep her safe and fed her lots of alcohol all the while reminding her that Kristin is someone that she’d “just have to deal with”, and now she thinks that they’re dating too — and apparently so goes MTV, as my boyfriend reminds me, because the white text in the corner is calling her “Brody’s Girlfriend”. And even after all of that she’s still pining after him, wondering why he doesn’t call, pleading to Lo to make her feel better about being dumped by the best looking asshole in Hollywood. But Lo offers her no such advice. She knows Brody’s ways and she’s all older-sister-warning-younger-sister-about-the-high-school’s-biggest-player, except that then she invites her to Stephanie’s birthday party where Brody will be and it’s one in a line of many fortuitous invitations on The Hills.

And as expected, the party is full of high-caliber drama and OMG entrances. And as I’ve promised it’s even full of actual surprises. Kristin is slobbering all over Brody like a hungry dog (when will this girl stop denigrating herself?), Frankie has been offered to Stephanie as a birthday gift and he is belligerently drunk, and they’re all drinking around the recovering alcoholic for her birthday, so it’s all pretty amazing. Then, in comes McKaela. We think that the drama will be that Kristin is lap humping Brody but it turns out these people have lives beyond the show! And they’re rearing their heads! McKaela has brought a friend and everyone starts saying the name “Allie Lutz”, as if it’s Voldemort and we should all know who this heathen is! It’s so deliciously awkward and real that I find myself actually entertained for the first time in weeks (the departure of Speidi really happened at the peak of their crazy and I was just starting to enjoy all of the botox-infused reactions to the insanity).

The scene is a whirlwind of coked-up emotions. Lo meekly whispers, “You guys, I invited her. She’s really nice.” Kristin and Brody continue to utter “Allie Lutz” as if they’re saying Hitler. Audrina gets all judgy on McKaela because she would hang out with the girl who Kristin described as “the stupidest girl in the world, “ and Allie Lutz is the picture of teasable caricature. Her hair is too blonde and her makeup too harsh and there is something wrong with her mouth, like, clinically wrong. I think maybe she got a bad collagen injection and now her bottom lip is dead. She looks like a good ol’ boy I met from back home who numbed his lip out with chew and ended up looking like Bubba Gump. I LOVED it. She’s Laguna Beach unkempt. She’s Lauren before lo-lights. She’s Kristin before South Beach Diet. She’s Audrina’s still-shoddy boob job. She’s the best hot mess that ever happened. She’s ALLIE LUTZ! And, apparently, she’s a break-in artist. I guess she left her ring in Brody’s house once and then snuck back in (after the party was over?) and crawled around on his floor shrieking like Gollom saying, “Brody, where is my precious?!” At least that’s how it was told by Brody and Kristin — she was “in the bed, bitch! — and now all of the sudden, drunkenly going back to a party (where, let’s face it, the door was probably open) to get something that you left there is totally the same as genocide and she’s “CRAZY!” Oh, dramz. I love you.
So, McKaela asks Brody what’s up and he yells at her for bringing Allie and Kristin whisks him away to go have lots of coked up sex because she will be “in the bed, bitch!”

The next day at Smashbbox, McKaela has a totally cute outfit on and tries to call Brody to apologize and, of course, he doesn’t pick up. Can you guess why? It’s because Kristin is in his bedroom, scuttling around on the floor, looking for her shoes because she was so wantonly undressing last night that she doesn’t even know where they went. Why is she so unflinchingly whorish? Why would she let someone tape that? Do her parents wonder what went wrong? After Kristin finds her shoes she skips out the door to meet Audrina for lunch to, presumably, talk about those months that she banged Justin Bobby and it broke Audrina’s heart, causing Audrina to call Kristin evil. Just kidding, they’re totally b-fries now so they just met up to talk about crazy Allie Lutz and bi-proxy McKaela. And actually, I was right the first time. They did talk about Justin Bobby and how much chemistry they have. Audrina obviously takes these words to heart. After all, Kristin’s really good at relationships and always chooses the man who will treat her best.

So, it’s with a heavy heart and a head full of marbles, air, and the painful beginning of ideas that she meets pop star and main squeeze Ryan Cabrera who is back from playing gigs at medium-sized bars all over the country. She surprises him and they have an awkward hug — no kiss — and I start to have something swirling around inside of me. It feels a little like two-minutes after a tequila shot when everyone’s asking if you want another drink and you’re just too busy to answer because you’re concentrating really hard on the salt shaker instead of the spinning room. Basically, I’m starting to feel sorry for Ryan Cabrera, and it only gets worse. Audrina starts spouting off worries about their relationship (you have so many groupies, I feel like I’m tying you down, etc.) and it’s so obviously “it’s not you, it’s me” bullshit that I’m cringing. But dangerously coifed dolt Ryan Cabrera doesn’t get the clue and reassures her as Audrina looks like a weak and deflated cupie doll. Poor Ryan Cabrera.

Things only get worse for her when she goes to Justin Bobby’s garage where he’s putting the finishing touches of the bike he’s been building for 15 years. We are gifted with this dialogue:

"Did you tell Spikey you saw me that night?"-cause that’s his nickname for Ryan Cabrera

"We're arguing too much," replies Audrina, to which JB sagely counters:

"That could be never good ... it needs to not be about that at all.”

“Actions speak louder than words," Audrina adds out of nowhere.

"How is his actions?” HE REALLY DID SAY IS.

"There are certain people you see that are meant, and there are certain people that you see, you can just tell. Not saying whatever, take that for what it is. You can tell, you can tell when two people are really happy."

Amen, Justin Bobby. Couldn’t have said it better myself.

The episode ends in a confluence of scripted meetings, including: McKaela talking to Allie Lutz about what happened at the birthday party. Allie admitting that she should have told her that she is actually Gollum and chomping her bottom lip away. Kristin, Lo and Stephanie hanging out and talking about how cray-cray Allie Lutz is and that, logically McKaela must be. Then Kristin agrees to meet with McKaela, who is just the kind of girl who can’t have anyone hate her. So, they meet over drinks and Kristin shoots it to her straight and says that Brody was so nice because he wanted to sleep with her, and I vomit a little in my mouth because Kristin has somehow tricked herself into believing that despite the fact that Brody tricks innocent girls into sleeping with him while he’s sleeping with her, he somehow is meant to be with her. She tells McKaela that L.A. with destroy “nice girls” like her (which is confusing since I’m fairly certain that she attended UCLA with Lo) and then chugs her wine and huffs off. I’m assuming that she’s trekking off to Mordor to destroy the one ring and Allie Lutz forever.

2010-06-09T11:30:00.000-07:00

Glee’s season culmination found New Directions competing at Regionals and the writing staff rounding out many of the storylines. We see a flashback to the wine-cooler laced night when Puck got Quinn pregnant, and then suddenly we’re in the Shue kitchen with an 8-month-pregnant Quinn (this chick looks about 6 months along — maybe) as she forlornly thinks about the past. Mr. Shue is having a pizza party to brainstorm which songs to sing at Regionals, which makes me wonder why they haven’t figured this out until the last minute. Shouldn’t they have formulated a set list and be practicing it? There isn’t much brainstorming — or pizza eating — going on because everyone is back in the funk that “Funk” was supposed to have gotten them out of. “There’s no way we can win and then glee club will be over!” Mercedes postulates that Santana and Puck wouldn’t pay her any attention if she weren’t in glee club with them, to which Puck replies, “She’s got a point.” It’s pretty funny until you remember that just a few weeks ago Puck was trying to bang Mercedes to get some of her popular mojo — mojo gained from being a Cheerio, not from being in dorky glee club. Tina does a piss-poor acting job and I get mad all over again that she and Mercedes have story lines and character development over Santana and the hilarious Brittany.

Later in the hallway, Finn confronts Rachel about falling into negativity with the rest of the group and then spews off his usual, “You’re annoying and bossy and other negative things…” before kissing her. This proves that the only way to get a strong, independent, career driven woman out of a professional low is for a male to pay attention to her. So, plan hatched, the two head off to the choir room to drum up some support. But they don’t even need to! Mr. Shue has this handled. While driving down the road alone he can’t seem to shake the depressing feeling riding over him; that is, until Journey comes on the radio. I get it, because when I’m three tequila shots in and “Wheel in the Sky” comes on over the bar’s sound system, I too get pumped up. But this is more! This is a metaphor! As Shue explains to the class, it’s not about the beginning (five dorks composing a crappy singing groups, joined by people who hate them and don’t want to be there) or the end (working the entire year to win Regionals, only to be thwarted by the dastardly Sue Sylvester) it’s the journey that matters. Get it?! Journey! So, the group goes full-circle and decides to do a Journey medley for the competition, complete with all new harmonies and choreography. With one day to learn it all, there’s no way they can fail!

At Regionals, Aural Intensity perform a mash-up of Josh Grobin and Olivia Newton-John songs obviously having been tipped off to the celebrity judges (and Glee guest stars) returning to Ohio to take in the Glee Club Competition. Rounding out the panel are, of course, Sue Sylvester, and that TV newscaster dude who broke Sue’s heart. The kids seem scared but Mr. Shue lightens the mood with a dorky teacher quip about Finn’s dancing that endears me to the man despite his creepy, serial killer mannerisms. Then, it’s time for New Directions to go on. Backstage, Finn and Rachel share a moment where Finn tells her that he loves her. It’s supposed to be sweet, but all I can think of is the fact that he’s always saying mean things about her right before he delivers a compliment and that she was convinced a week ago that she was meant for Jess — and she probably is — I don’t know, I guess I just don’t buy it. Then comes the Journey medley. I love it. It’s a return to the musical reinterpretations (literally) that made me fall in love with the show, and even the choreography looks good! I’m lamenting that most of the solos go to Rachel, but it’s nice that they rearranged “Don’t Stop Believin’” to incorporate both Puck and Santana.

Everybody totally thinks they’re going to win, and the young actors play the moment well, appearing genuinely jubilant. As someone who won a few team competitions myself in high school, I can say that there are really very few moments as pure and joyful as these. In Glee world, people show up right when important things are happening. Quinn’s mom is there to see her sing! She’s left her dad! She wants to convert the guest room to a nursery! And then, like magic, Quinn’s water breaks and everyone rushes to the hospital en masse. Everyone except for Rachel, who sticks around to watch Vocal Adrenaline perform. My boyfriend thinks it’s a bitch move but I think it’s just in keeping with her character. Vocal Adrenaline (and Jesse) pull out the big guns with Queen’s "Bohemian Rhapsody", a song so operatic and inherently choral that I think every high school choir ever has sang it. But this one does it better than all of the others. There are holes in the floor that people pop out of, there’s a majestic white piano, there’s even Groff hair!

The real beauty of the number (and it is probably the best production so far this season) is that the editors of Glee have chosen to intersperse the song with Quinn’s childbirth. Initially hokey, the concept lends itself perfectly on each end. Pulsating choreography is mirrored is Quinn’s labored breathing, “Mama” is emphatically cried out in what turns out to be Diana Agron’s scene work to date, Jonathan Groff’s scowls become Quinn’s anger toward Puck for the situation she’s now in. And at the end, after the dénouement of birthing a baby and hitting a Freddy Mercury high note, the song ends in its lullaby way, with a “Nothing really matters…” and the soft keystrokes of the piano. Because, while this whole season has been about a high school glee club competition in rural Ohio, it’s all small potatoes compared to what Quinn just did.

The storyline attempts to do a character comparison by having Rachel congratulate Shelby on winning — or not — the narrative was really sort of strange here but the gist of it is that Rachel wants her mom to come help teach glee at McKinley with Mr. Shue and they can all be one big, happy family. Shelby feels like she can’t do the glee thing anymore because she wants to garden and have a dog and by extension have a baby because she missed her chance at motherhood with Rachel, which is pretty much bullshit. The kid, and she is a kid, just asked you to be a parental figure in her life and you just blew her off because she’s not a sparkling shiny little baby. F that.

Back at the hospital, Quinn’s looking at her baby and still wants to give it up. Puck loved her then and loves her more now, but in the grand tradition of boys on this show, will probably still treat her like crap. Shelby shows up to covetously look at her baby (how did she get there so fast? Isn’t this terribly unsupportive to her team?) and Puck somehow rushes back to the auditorium (with the rest of the glee clubers) to hear the results. Josh Grobin liked New Directions, Olivia Newton-John liked Aural Whatever and newscaster dude liked Vocal Adrenaline. Then they all pick on Sue because she’s not a real celebrity (but the newscaster guys is?!) and she feels guilty enough to vote for New Directions, because she’s the same as them or something. Nobody knows that, so when she announces that Vocal Adrenaline wins (and New Direction got third).

So, the glee club is over. Figgin’s “hands are tied” as usual, and Emma has a delightful little freakout. Will, as usual, tries to make it all about him and then tells her that he loves her, even if she is dating someone else. Please, boys! If you love these girls, treat them well! The kids want to say thanks to Mr. Shue for being so awesome and life-altering so they sing him “To Sir with Love” and it’s pretty cute and all; It moves Sue to tears too! She blackmails Figgins some more and gets the glee club one more year. Hooray! I just hope that next season there’s less Will rapping.

2010-06-09T09:52:00.000-07:00

It’s a first for The City: Olivia Palermo got served! And by a stunning leggy Brit whose sparkle and sheen wowed everyone on the show (myself and good ol’ Freddy Facklemeyer included).

It’s Fashion Week again... didn’t we just have Fashion Week on this show? God, working in fashion is so fun! Whitney is toiling away in her closet at People’s Revolution, changing her line to try and streamline the collection of lace legging-pants and mumu dresses after getting shot down by Joe Zee and Anne Slowey last week. It’s a tough life for the emerging fashion designer, especially since she isn’t showing this season. That’s sad. Even the Sachika twins got to show at fashion week… I’m hoping that Whit said tents or nothing this year. So, since she can’t have her own show she’s going to attend as many shows as possible and prove to all those meanies that she really is somebody, she’s an important designer with a vision and a sketch book and everything!

But Debbie Downer Kelly Cutrone comes along and says, “Whit, if you’re not in the first 3 rows, you ain’t nobody.” And Whitney protests, but she’s wrong — so wrong. After the third row there are a few more assigned rows for losers with less than stellar readership and fallen society gals but then people can buy the tickets. Whitney, you don’t want to sit with people who would buy their own tickets. While Kelly’s there she asks Whitney to work on a big huge fashion show in the big huge tent for some big huge designer who makes clothes that no one would ever wear. But Roxy has moxie and pipes up that she wants to help with the show. “Put me in coach! I’ve been practicin’ all summer!” Kelly agrees and matter of factly tells Roxy that if she screws up she’s fired and I believe her because she’s Kelly Cutrone and her balls are bigger than Joe Zee’s could ever be.

Speaking of, the powers that be at Elle are gearing up for Fashion Week which is a huge deal seeing as they work at a fashion magazine. Everyone sits at the Elle oversized table and they talk about combing the city and hectic schedules and shows and Olivia getting a Marc Jacobs exclusive interview. At this point, if Olivia’s job were real, she would have already been fired. But on the unlikely chance that they had kept her on up to this point, this assignment would be the make-it-or-break it Kelly Cutrone job-threat moment. But Olivia is confident-ish and everyone has to scuttle off to their fashion week assignments and dig up some huge, earth-shattering news.

The fateful Marc by Marc Jacobs show happens and lo and behold, Olivia doesn’t come through with the interview. But she’s been touting her connections this whole time! She keeps talking about being friends with Marc! They both go to lunch and pretend to eat and then Marc gets a piggyback ride home from his beautiful Adonis of a boyfriend. To be fair, Olivia does get to go backstage. It’s her cameraman who gets rejected. What?! You have to clear press coverage for backstage interviews with a major designer at Fashion Week ahead of time?! Olivia apparently had no idea as a super-important accessories editor and when she meekly says, “Can Elle come?,” as if Elle is a homely girl she promised could get into a nightclub she frequents but gets left on the street desolate and pudgy, it’s kind of sad. Mostly for the cameraman in glasses who is left to actually stand outside desolate and pudgy until Olivia reemerges from the tents to tell him to just go home.

At the next fashion show Whitney scores front row tickets from her Berdorff buyer friend with the gap in her tooth and her whole life is validated. Kelly asks Roxy if she would rather be at that show instead of working the show for People’s Revolution and she responds that she’d rather be learning, which is a pretty responsible thing to say, especially if you’re Roxy Olin.

The weird People’s Rev show goes off without a hitch and Roxy even gets to stand in the booth next to Kelly, echoing place calls and lighting cues in a frightened whisper/scream that she’s trying to affect with power. Whitney, I’m sure, does that thing that people do at fashion shows where they follow the Amazon walking down the aisle as if they were a dog watching cars pass, leaning over every so often to say, “Sleek” or “That falls really well on her body.” Then backstage Whit and buyer girl run into beautiful English Rose/Olivia’s would-be replacement Louise. In the tackiest of all moments, buyer girl asks Louise, “Do you date Freddy Facklemeyer?” Well, person I’ve never seen before and who has probably just spotted me in Facebook photos, I did date Freddy Facklemeyer in the past. And with that Whitney adds, “I used to date Freddy too.” It reminded me of being at a party where a cute, popular boy is talking to a group of people about going to a U2 concert and I blurt out, “I like U2, too,” even though I don’t really like U2 and it’s not appropriate to mention it at all. But who can blame Whit? This Louise is like six feet tall and wearing a fur vest and has an accent. And she’s a jet-setting fashion journalist and is really, really nice to boot! Even I’m in love!

By fortuitous circumstance, Louise is also at the next show that Erin and Joe Zee attend and she’s just as charming and adorable. She sits down in a seat labeled AnnaLynne McCord and chats with the two about her work as an international cutie-pie and convinces them — without being pushy at all — that she’s an amazing replacement for Olivia, who happens to have slept in. They ask her off-the-cuff to do a backstage interview for Elle.com and when we see her cracking jokes to Badgley and Mischka about disco-wear and “boobs and butts” (that sounds so much more classy with a British accent!), it’s obvious that poor Olivia, who has squeaked in the back door with wet rat hair and droopy eyes, is getting outgunned.

Because of this and many former offenses, Erin recommends that Elle make Louise the face of Elle.com, and something be done about Olivia. Dun, dun dun!!!!!!!!!! The consolation prize for Whitney is that she gets asked by Maybelline to show at Miami Fashion Week, which is kind of like not making the basketball team but being asked to be the manager. Roxy’s being sent down to manage the show for People’s Revolution, which might spell out Kelly Cutrone keeping good on her promise to fire Roxy’s ugly eyebrows.

2010-06-09T08:22:00.000-07:00

Real life drama (not the semi-scripted, Bravo kind) has been clouding the line between real and reality television throughout this season of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Several police reports have been filed that promise a season rivaling the table tipping antics of last year (including assault charges against Jacqueline’s daughter — Ashley — for ripping Danielle’s weave out), Teresa and her juiced up gorilla husband are $11 million in debt, and today brought us stills from a Danielle Staub sex-tape that simply can’t be unseen. Trust me, if you haven’t looked, don’t. Suddenly Ashley’s quip in last night’s episode about Danielle’s square boobs is not only funny but vomit-inducingly true.

But while the drama is ripe off the screen, it’s still there — if to a lesser degree — on the screen. In this episode: more fallout from the Brownstone debacle. The ladies chomp on and on about how they’re tired of talking about Danielle, they wish they could just forget about Danielle, blah, blah. This is confusing to me since they spend, literally, the entire episode talking about the walking billboard against breast augmentation. Don’t get me wrong, I love gossiping. It brings me back to the days of yore when all I had to worry about were pep rallies and Prom night and that whore Christine who was always trying to steal my boyfriend. But I stop myself these days, because I’m ten years removed from high school and being bitter is not cute. These women, apparently never got the memo; their BS is so high school I feel like I’m sprouting a zit.

The action centers around drama that no adult in their right mind would mutter aloud: a Facebook and texting war. See, in the grownup world even if the conflict is legit, even if what happened in the confines of a social network or in your Blackberry is some serious I want to punch your lights out shit, you can’t say the words, “And then she did X to me on Facebook” without fear of the room shaking their head in dismay. Again, these ladies have no issue reverting to places that the rest of us have run from for a long time. To be fair, half of the participants in the text/Facebook “war” (yes, they refer to it as a war—Happy Memorial Day!) are kids. Ashley rears her mini-Jacqueline head again and sends Danielle a text that she should get out of her family’s life. She ends it by saying, “Bye Bitch”. Danielle, being the completely sane human being that she is, interprets this as a death threat. It’s probably perfectly reasonable considering Ashley’s “terroristic” moves in the past, moves like creating a “I Hate Danielle Staub” group on Facebook. Ashley notes that there are 2,000 people in the group and that makes me kind of sad for the state of everyone really. It even makes me a little sad for Danielle because, I mean, HATE is a pretty strong word and I can’t even imagine how I would feel if that many people said that they hated me. I stop feeling sorry for her when it’s revealed that she sent Ashley a message calling her fat. A 40+ woman sent a girl a message telling her to “drop some weight”. If nothing else before all of this made me want to give this woman the stink eye, this did it in for me.

So, Jacqueline and Teresa go to lunch and tell Ashley to meet them there so that they can discuss the rumors buzzing around town about all of this dramz. In a move as stunningly mature as any I’ve seen on this show so far, the adults counsel Ashley to cut off all contact with Danielle. It’s making her look “trashy.” She’s playing down to Danielle’s level. It’s a deft recovery in parenting for both women who just last week got drunk in the middle of the afternoon to the point of sloppiness and allowed a 3-year-old to ride an ATV without a helmet. But, in the grand tradition of teenagers making bad decisions, Ashley makes her status on Facebook something about Danielle wanting to get a warrant out for her arrest. Her mother screams at her, she rolls her eyes and I do too. I feel like I have enough Facebook in my life without this show adding to the madness.

Meanwhile in Danielle land, the lady of the hour decides to take her ex-con bodyguard Danny to a suit store to get some new duds. The logic here is that Danielle’s only friend, Kim G., has taken issue with the eye and ear sore that is everyone’s favorite hit man, so she’s going to prove her wrong by slapping a suit jacket on him and reminiscing about their time in the clink. What’s that derivative colloquialism? You can’t turn a ho into a housewife?

The Manzo’s have a family dinner where they gossip about the Facebook war and a food fight breaks out and everyone gets called into the principal. An interesting point is brought up here. When classy Danny called Chris the f-word multiple times, Danielle—the world’s most vocal gay advocate — wasn’t so vocal. Teresa ruins the moment of public discourse by defending her husband’s use of the slur “gay” which is totally better than the slur “F------“. Sigh.

We end the episode with a showdown between Dina and Danielle. Dina wants to tell Danielle once and for all that she wants nothing to do with her and Danielle delusionally thinks that Dina wants to apologize for “her part” in the hell she’s been put through. Dina proves to be all class and boobs at their meeting (was it necessary for her to actually physically meet with Danielle? I’m not so sure but my boyfriend is adamant that it’s because she’s “classy”. I think maybe the boobs and class come as a packaged deal for him and he’s enamored). There’s some infighting, Danielle tries to talk over Dina, Dina sticks out her fish lips like only a Manzo can and we get a “To Be Continued” at the bottom of the screen as Dina walks out the door. The only problem? Danielle brought along muscle Danny as “protection” and he’s sitting in the parking lot waiting for Danielle’s command with his “phone on his lap.” Maybe I’m being a little paranoid in thinking that the ex-convict who has threatened violence against the Manzo’s on many occasions would actually hurt Dina but I’m a little frightened for the next episode. Maybe arguments are best fought in the safety on the Facebook world.

2010-06-08T14:38:00.000-07:00

After the Soup clipshow fodder/debacle that was The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love, I’ve found myself sucked into the vacuous wormhole of this ABC ratings juggernaut. That’s right, I’m watching The Bachelorette. This time around, the object of a couple dozen men’s fervent attention is Ali Fedotowsky. Her heart was broken by dashing pilot Jake last season (after she left the house to pursue her budding career at Facebook, came back because she was drawn by the magnetic love of Jake — and also the melodic honey of Mr. Jeffery Osbourne — and was turned away by (the producers) Jake with nothing more than a promise of her own show.

So, why did I choose to start watching a program I haven’t glimpsed since ugly Jillian’s feet got obsessed over? Well, the answer is a bit embarrassing. I read an interview with host Chris Harrison saying that Ali is cut from the cloth of normal people, that this season’s hijinks spring from honest circumstances, that the Bachelorette’s reactions and decisions are lead by her own emotional compass, not the delicate nudging of the men behind the curtain. That’s right, I trusted the mouthpiece of a reality show to tell me that said show was, in fact, more reality and less show. And you know what? I don’t feel badly about it. I like Chris Harrison. Something about him makes me categorize him in the Jeff Probst vein of hosts — effective and honest, not quite as standoffish as say a Phil Keoghan but not quite as apt to meddle in the contestants' personal drama as a T.J. Lavin. I like that he offers advice to the Bachelors but doesn’t to the Bachelorettes (out of respect to the other dudes in the house). I like that he’s still good friends with Andrew Firestone (remember him? Boy, was he dreamy). And goddamnit, I like that he called out that little slut Whats-her-name (she’s not worth a Google search) for claiming that he was stepping out on his wifey. So, based on that flawed logic, I am now watching the show.

So much has happened so far! Ali has kicked off a slew of guys, including a dude who killed a bear with his bare hands. To his credit, that would elicit at least one rose from me. Not our fair Ali, though. Here are her front runners:

Roberto: Clocking in as the only minority on the show, he sure does milk his “Latin charm” bit for all it’s worth. He got the first impression rose on the first night by doing a Tango with Ali. Watching the two on their first one-on-one date this past episode, I almost found them endearing in a Mark Consuelos/Kelly Ripa kind of way (he’s dreamy but boring BUT exotic, she’s adorable but annoying BUT infectiously happy), and then she told him to “Dame un beso” in the worst Spanish accent I’ve heard since fourth period Spanish in 11th grade. It’s okay, she learned how to say it in a rap song.

Roses: Roberto seems genuinely into Ali - some might say that he’s “here for Ali” but then I would have to drink according to the rules of my newly christened Bachelorette drinking game. When he warns Ali of some suspect characters in the house, it seems like he’s telling her out of genuine concern for her heart. Also, he’s insanely good-looking
Thorns: While I admire Roberto’s efforts to stay out of the drama, I think that he’s established himself enough as a middle-of-the-road sort of bloke to be able to step in and say, “Hey, there’s a lot of crazy going on in this house. Here’s what a sane person has to say about it.” Also, although Ali thinks that he “has no idea how good-looking he is”, I think he really does. Hot guys who know that they’re hot are never good news.

Frank: I like Frank. A lot. It’s probably because he wears glasses and his occupation is listed as “Retail Manager”, but he seems like a normal guy. Ali and Frank enjoyed a one-on-one date where they picnicked beneath the Hollywood sign and sipped champagne on the hood of a convertible. Nothing like a little alcohol consumption to get a car-themed date really going. It was obvious that the two had chemistry, but lately Frank’s been stressing A LOT about the attention that his girl is giving other guys in the house. Like, A LOT.

Roses: Frank is good looking (chiseled abs, strong cheekbones, nice hair), but that’s all offset by endearingly pedestrian elements (median income job, wire-rims, affinity for plaid button-ups). He’s the layman’s Roberto, a Roberto that is far less likely to cheat on you. Also, he’s super into Ali.
Thorns: He is getting pretty stressed out about this other-dudes-dating-Ali thing. Hey Frank, I don’t know if you’re aware, but the concept of this show has a girl — your girl — dating a multitude of different guys at the same time. Frank can’t handle it: he gets visibly sweaty and his eyes do this creepy darting back and forth thing and suddenly I can imagine him 45 and balding, suspicious that the next door neighbor stole his newspaper again.

Justin: Where do I start with this one? He’s a professional wrestler named “Rated R.” Everyone in the house hates him. He has a cast on his foot that I highly suspect is the result of a desperate ploy to get Ali to feel sorry for him, paying more attention in the process. The last episode was full of drama because Mr. Justin decided to crutch his way down the road a few miles to Ali’s house to surprise her. Once there, he told her all about his “I have Daddy issues” sob story and guaranteed her that all he wants in life is to be a better father than he had. Nothing creepy about that.

Roses: Um, I guess Ali likes assholes who do creeptastic stuff, so that’s a plus for her?
Thorns: Read the first paragraph that I wrote about this guy. Also, it’s of note that when he went gallivanting to Ali’s house (which cut into sweet Hunter’s one-on-one date BTW) he didn’t tell any of the guys. I mean, it’s not like this is a huge, punishable offense but the douche went out of his way to referentially answer people’s questions about his afternoon without really answering them — and then gave the cameras a sideways glance and douchey gloating smile. Also, he’s Canadian.

Best (and Worst) of the Rest:

Jonathan:
The Bachelorette RecapAside from setting off my gaydar like an elementary school fire alarm, Jonathan is so disrespected in the house that the other guys refer to him as “Weatherman.” That’s because he’s a weatherman who uses weather-related metaphors to discuss his time with Ali. In the most recent group date, he cried after having to kiss Ali. Did I mention that he’s totally gay?

Kirk: While filming a scene in the new Barenaked Ladies music video (yes, that was an actual date) Kirk and Ali passionately made out and wrestled on a bed. The scene was just so romantic that they barely noticed the 20 crew people, 6 cameras and director yelling cut. Multiple times.

Craig R.: Easily the ugliest man in the house, I find this one endearing because as a self-proclaimed “professional bullshit detector” (he’s a lawyer), he totally calls out Justin on all of his lying and fake-crying ways.

Kasey: All I know of Kasey is that his Kermit the Frog underwater voice caused my boyfriend and I to laugh uncontrollably for the rest of the episode.

2010-01-06T20:19:00.000-08:00

The Real World 13: D.C. started and oh, boy do I feel old.

The cast includes white girl, other white girl, white guy, annoying white guy, fat white girl, black dude hell-bent on shirking his "ghetto" past. So, um, it's kind of like politicians actually moving to Washington except every hot tub party and make-out with a gay dude will be caught on tape.

In the grand tradition of the Real World pattern, this season is going to be force fed drama; it'll be the kind of drivel that producers and producers alone thought up. No real life learning situations (abortion on L.A., transgender communities on Brooklyn or rehab on Hawaii and Hollywood) or legitimate drama borne of pressure-cooker boiling points (racially charged arguments on New York and Back to New York, Brooke's crazy-time on Denver), not even the sexually charged STD-only zone that will surely mark--and mire--my generation (Las Vegas, Denver, Cancun). Nope, it's going to be a San Diego. Or a Chicago. Or a Philidelphia...ugh.

In the first episode we meet the cast; here they are:

ANDREW

Mr. Try Hard. This dude is like that guy who runs around the party wearing a funny hat and pulling down his pants and saying incendiary things for no other reason than to say incendiary things. And to get attention. And to prove that Mommy and Daddy didn't need to love him, he can find love all on his own.

The guy's supposed to be "the funny one" but his jokes are stale and weak. He's aiming for kitsch and falls somewhere between cheese and annoyance. I see in the previews that he falls off of a ledge sometime in the future. That's too bad. Maybe it'll shut him up.

ASHLEY

This is Ashley and she likes to crimp her hair. She also LOVES Barack Obama for seemingly no other reason than it's cool to like Barack Obama. She also likes to argue. She's also from Texas. Now that I'm putting these facts together I've realized that Ashley just wants something to rail against. I wish she would start with her crimper.

CALLIE

Observe: the rare breed in The Real World. The Fat Girl. To be fair, Callie is MUCH more representative of the actual real world where fatties abound and people have imperfections. So, in the vein of being happy that there are actual real people on The Real World, I will not even make fun of her.

EMILY

Emily used to be in a crazy Christian cult which gives her a pretty insane outlook on the world. Since leaving the sect she's experimented with bisexuality and LOVES giant black dudes. She's also not too keen on God. That's all I really know about her. Identifying feature: A "there's a piece of food on your face" mole.

ERIKA

Look at that rocker chick. Look at those earrings and red lipstick and ever-present scarf. And she has tattoos!!! Only legit rocker chicks can get tattoos! There's like a secret handshake you have to know to get into the tattoo parlor. That handshake may be $100 and an hour of your time (as I learned bent over a chair, pants at my knees as I got a giant pointless trampstamp at 19), so I'm growing ever wary about her legitimacy as a rocker chick. She did sing some song on the first day that rhymed and had a terrible trite metaphor in it--it was an original. I think I hate her the most.

JOSH

DOUUUUCCCHHHHHEEE! This guy has a jheri curl AND a fade out. HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE??? His dangling cross earrings remind my of Ricky Vasquez and he walks into the house with a fang necklace and a scarf on. OMGOOSE HE IS A BLOGGER'S DREAM!!! Step down though ladies, he's taken.

MIKE

Can we just discuss those eyebrows. God doesn't make eyebrows look like that, He loves us. So, why would you do that to your face???? Simple rules people, they begin perpendicular to the eye and end at an angle intersecting the edge of your eyeball and nose. It's math, suckers. Now, for the love of all things good and just, stop plucking!!! Mike is bi. Or gay. He's not sure and I don't care but I'm looking forward to the drama.

TY

Oh hey, token minority. How you doin'? Ty's big mark was made on the first day as he argued with Ashley over religion. Everyone knows you don't bring up politics, religion, college sexual history, tipping etiquette or family secrets over dinner. He refers to the neighborhood that he grew up in as "like The Wire". I refer to his typecasting as "totally gratuitous".

Teen Mom: Yay or Nay

2009-12-28T21:21:00.000-08:00

I loved 16 and Pregnant.

I loved it not only because I love the Lifetime film of the same name with Kirsten Dunst in her most heart wrenching and overall'd role. I loved 16 and Pregnant because in an age when teenage girls are losing their virginity younger than ever, government programs and loud-mouthed Evangelicals are promulgating dangerous ideas about contraceptive use and teen-pregnancies are on the rise, the show gave MTV viewers (I don't have the exact stats here but I'm assuming that if TRL screaming crowds are any indication, that 15-20 and female is a pretty large cut of the demographic) a realistic look at what could happen if you give it up to Tommy from gym class and he made his pimply spawn grow inside of you.

I loved 16 and Pregnant.

Its follow-up, Teen Mom, is currently airing on the cabeler to astounding success. Its premiere was the highest rated in MTV history before the Jersey Shore juggernaut came along and it's been doing well ever since. So, am I going to show the same love for this show as I did the first?

Well, the answer is difficult. The show shares many of the same elements that I enjoyed so much in the first series. It is a stark, realistic look at the differing experiences of teenagers who get pregnant. I still appreciate the concern for realism with which the network is handling the situation. That celebrity pregnancies have glamorized having a baby is of no question. People in Middle America can't look like Heidi Klum or Nicole Richie three weeks after they pop a nine-pounder out because they don't have personal trainers, nutritionists or the benefit of tummy tucks following pre-scheduled Cesarean Sections. And, yes, that does happen. The business of birthing a baby is booming and if the aughts have taught us anything, it's that teenagers are a monstrous horde of consumers, ripe for the pop-culturally fuelled propaganda picking. So, seeing these formerly pert teens stay fat after baby or have trouble dating cute boys or having to watch as their friends get to be kids and they get to take care of them is a nice counter-point to the US Weekly element of it all.

But in that reality is the nasty documentation of kids caring for kids. What often psychologically accompanies teen pregnancies is anger, resentment and regret--perfectly reasonable emotions in the face of a volatile life event. But these emotions are rarely discussed and NEVER condoned in our society. It doesn't matter how many interviews Brooke Shields does about post-partum depression or how many times Jen Aniston says that she's not looking to have kids, women are seen as genetically predestined Mother Madonnas. Their maternal instincts are all-encompassing, ever-present and always, always, first priority. To deviate from this ideal is to become a threat to the very fabric of our culture--mothers are to be unfailingly Mothers or they are deemed a failure. As caregivers. As women. As people.

These girls are teenagers too, and as much as we give them all too lateral allowances and teach them to seek an independent voice and expect them to act as "young adults" they are biologically still children; children deal with emotions differently than us adult folk. So a feeling of despair, resentment or regret that might lead an adult to express their emotions in a constructive manner often lead teenagers to lash out erratically. In my day I nearly broke a door off its hinges by slamming it. "I hate you! I wish I were never born!" These outbursts were present in 16 and Pregnant, usually borne of one of my (admittedly) lesser-loved cast members, written off as immature or bratty. But they were always forgiven. Forgiven because these were kids after all, and the gravity of the situation was about the size of a fucking mountain on their shoulders, about the size that their bellies were growing to be. I gave them a pass but I gave it to them with expiration date. Nine months. They were allowed to be bratty and bullish and downright babies until their own came. Then, they were magically expected to learn how to juggle it all, to cast aside doubts and depression and to rise above the statistics. Shouldn't their maternal love and instincts alone push them to rise above it all? Don't we all expect this of our mothers?

In Teen Mom we see the nasty truth. We open the gift that we have been given with a perfectly tied bow and watch uncomfortably as real life unfolds before us. These girls are still girls. They are often petulant and selfish and they make the sorts of decisions that remind you of your own high school experience, embarrassing, ill informed, awkward. And that's all good and fine when I'm watching NYC Prep or Laguna Beach and the biggest consequence at hand is someone being cast aside from one private school only to be picked up by another. But now there are babies. And they're so perfect. As the couplings begin to disintegrate, the grammar school constructed communities abandon the girls, the slow and deep-setting realization that "the rest of your life" is at least in part spelled out before them, the juxtaposition of the unaffected, innocent children and their trial-by-fire weary parents (children as well) is a jarring--and saddening--reminder that maturity does not have a due date. Motherhood is not inherent. Sometimes reality television really is reality and perhaps, the lives affected positively by the program will never outweigh the documented sadness of these babies' earlier months, and the children who are raising them. Knowing that I control the replay button on my own less-than-forgiving childhood, and that I am the only one who can watch, is sometimes the most abundant solace I have.

So, is it all a wash? Is Teen Mom more potentially damaging than it is helpful? Is my own culturally imbued notion of femininity and motherhood clouding my entertainment value and ultimately, judgment of these girls? Perhaps. But perhaps this is but a temporary inhibition. Life's most frustrating and judgment-inducing situations often give rise to larger learning moments; the more we expose ourselves to humanity, in all of its facets, the more that we learn about each other and ourselves. Sure, I feel like punching these kids in the face sometimes for choosing going out over their kid one night or fighting with their baby daddy while the baby is in the room, but I'm also beginning to see their plight as people not instead of, not even as well as, but something akin to parallel to their roles as parents.

Take for instance Amber. Amber of my-boyfriend-bought-me-a-$20-engagement-ring-from-Walmart-and-then-purchased-his-fat-ass-a-Playstation3 fame was one of my least favorite segments on 16 and Pregnant. Whiney and curt, she was exactly the sort of teenaged girl who made me think to myself, "In order to punish me for the wrongs I have committed, God will surely smite me with the likes of a girl like this living in my household and looking vaguely like me." And since she's had the baby, she's still one of those girls. No miracle of motherly grace has been bestowed upon her. Amber’s storyline follows her struggle to obtain a GED (a heartbreaking scene in which she is informed that the train for High School Diploma Land has come and gone offers a heavy dose of the aforementioned reality), be a full-time stay-at-home Mom, repair her relationship with breadwinning but absent (and absent-minded) doof/baby-daddy Gary, and wrestle with severe depression.

That's right, folks. The girl done got depressed. In one scene that I would typically deem put-on and affected, the cameraman holds the shot as Amber and her baby gaze longingly out the window of their duplex rental, placing hand to glass in a feeble attempt to regain a piece of the outside world. Suddenly all temper tantrums are forgiven. All of the counter-productive negativity is washed away. Even the questionable fights she has had with Gary (in the presence of her child) are somehow less tantamount. Because in this moment she's a human being. And a woman. And a child. And a human. In this moment the reality of her roles, and her world, and my reinterpretation of them have converged to demonstrate the expansion of my own. In this moment I am making my own world bigger; hopefully that's a good enough end game for these kids.

2009-12-03T19:06:00.000-08:00

All of These Things Look Exactly Like the Others?

It can't just be me, can it? Here's a little empirical evidence that these four brunette beauties look waaaaaay too much alike.

(from left: Leighton Meester, Minka Kelly, Mila Kunis, Rachel Bilson)

Television watchers should be familiar with all of these lovely ladies. Leighton is deliciously divalicious Blair on Gossip Girl, Minka plays sweet Lyla on Friday Night Lights, Mila ditzed the screens up as Jackie on That 70's Show and Rachel was Seth Cohen's main-squeeze Summer on The O.C. But starring on the small screen isn't the only thing that these chickies have in common. They all look like cousins. Or sisters. Or THE SAME FREAKING PERSON.

So much so, in fact, that Leighton and Minka are starring in a new film The Roommate, in which they portray a college-aged Single White Female. See? Even Hollywood producers see it. But even in this example, there's a glaring fact. In the movie, Leighton's character starts acting all Jennifer Jason Leigh on Minka's ass. You know, doing her makeup the same. Making the same pouty faces. Wearing her hair the same. The same thing has happened with these girls.

Leighton's actually a blonde:

Rachel's more hipster than prep-scene:

And Mila's look is dependent upon make-up and face-making:

Still though, there's always this:

All Aboard the Hot Mess Train!

2009-12-03T16:40:00.000-08:00

Oh, shiz. New Bad Girls Club. The season premiered this week and I was working but it was on one of the televisions and I witnessed an awesome clip of a fight in the driveway. After this preview, I am officially hooked.

2009-11-30T13:18:00.000-08:00

Well, Spanish Lost promos are way better than American ones. See? You can make awesome promos without giving anything away.

I'ma Bout Ta Pop OFF!

2009-11-30T11:12:00.000-08:00

According to Bossip:

In filming for the new season of Celebrity Fit Club, Tanisha teamed up with K-Fraud’s ex, Shar Jackson, and got into a scrap with K-Fat over Britney: This weekend, the family got a call and some bad news for thanksgiving. Tanisha has been arrested again but this time for having a fist fight during filming with Kevin Federline. We are confident that she will be released and all will go well, but this jerk has been messing with Tanisha since the first day the cast met because he didn’t like that she was so close to his ex Shar Jackson. According to Tanisha, the drama all began when the cast had to do a hike in California on Runyon Canyon and Federline was making fun of Tanisha for complaining and singing Britney Spears songs with Shar. It was all in fun but he obviously couldn’t take a joke or someone making fun of Britney.

Oh, snap! See, this is why television was invented. I am so beyond excited to witness this moment. It will be like a pre-hibernation Grizzly Bear and French Smoking Ape going at it. (I sincerely hope that you got all of the nuances to those animal metaphors.)

POP OFF!

Who put the peppah in the juice!

2009-11-22T15:31:00.000-08:00

Sometimes a piece of television comes along important, so potentially mobilizing that the American populous at-large finds it difficult to ignore, knowing that history is unfolding before their eyes. MTV's Jersey Shore is probably not one of those pieces of television, but I WILL BE WATCHING THIS SHIT.

2009-11-20T14:41:00.000-08:00

LV and Douchebags
Or the Episode of The City in Which Whitney Dates a Gay Man

One of the reasons that I love New York City so much is that I can walk down a SoHo street and witness a man holding a Hermes bag stick his tongue down another man's throat. Not that I condone public displays of affection or murses, but the fact that no one cares or notices, the fact that everyone is free to be whatever they want to be, that the lines between acceptability ranges or labels is totally blurred. But that blurring can lead to some fairly murky waters. For example: the quintessential New York date with a gay boy. Now, I've dated some gay boys in my life. Some were nice, some were mean, most I met in my harrowed history in the theater arts but all provided me with a beautiful "a-ha" moment in which I realized why they never kissed me or cared as much about NBA playoffs as I did. But I've never dated in NYC, and I've certainly never experienced the gay-date first hand. But I did watch this week's episode of The City, so I feel like I know what the experience feels like.

Plaid will throw off the scent

Whitney gets set up on a blind date with a dude who works at Bergdorff. His own personal job description is as follows: "I convince people to buy ridiculously expensive clothing." So, he's a shopboy. Fair enough. But he proceeds to tangentally engage Whitney in a conversation about abbrevs. You know. Shortening things to they're tots eas. Y K? And he gets mad at her for not knowing what LV meant. I mean, I knew that it was Louis Vuittan but I also have a uterus and color-coded closet. Needless to say, there will not be a second date.

Over-plucked turkey

Simulateously, Roxy was going on a date with a fellow California transplant. I knew that he wasn't a East coast boy because he had spikey hair and dressed like he shopped at a store that sold graphic tees.

The morning after? I think not.

I also knew that the dates hadn't happened simulateously because Roxy's eyebrows were full-on super-tweezed in the shots. My hunch is that they went on a date early on, totally banged, the producers told her to date him again after Whitney went on her date, and the set-up for this season's "Club Argument" was made. Roxy tells Spikey to bring hot guys with him to meet up with some friends at a club. Instead he brings a troupe of failed 28-year-old models with him and strolls in looking like Justin Bobby.

He looks like Joe Francis.

Roxy gets fake mad and I don't really care but her description of the events the following day at People's Revolution are priceless. "He came in dressing like he's never dressed before with a gaggle of has-been old models." Oh, Roxy.

Also in the episode: Olivia tries out a different hairstyle. JUST KIDDING!!!!!!!

I think think this occasion calls for long, loose curls feebly tied back.

Airing December 1st.

2009-11-19T21:32:00.001-08:00

The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show just happened and it was all Lady Gaga and shit. I love me some Lady Gaga, but the craziness may have gotten in the way of what really important here: titties and ass. So, um, here are some highlights:

No, I will not call you. You look like an insane homeless crack-whore from 1979 with a yarn fetish.

Okay first of all, this is a lingere show so why does it look like my Wacky Day outfit from my senior year of high school? Also, eat a fucking sandwich. Victoria's Secret is supposed to be the bastion of all things hot yet healthy and now we're going all runway skinny fucktard? Not. Cute.

That's more like it. Doutzen Kroes is the best thing to come out of the Netherlands since tulips. That's right, tulips.

Hungarians are hotter than you. All of them. Like me and the chick pictured above.

I am seriously concerned about her legs breaking in half. Also, remember that episode of Rock of Love 2 when Brett challenges the girls to write him raunchy wedding vows in slutty wedding-ish outfits? I think this outfit is from that episode. Hat and all.
Miranda Kerr dated Orlando Bloom. She also dated Jay from The City so, apparently the judgment isn't always so spot on. And I guess neither is the judgment of the producers of this show. Major downgrade on a lot of these.

But I guess no one can top these bitches.

2009-11-19T20:04:00.001-08:00

7 Reasons Why I Love Stargate: Universe:

1. I am in love with Eli.

Eli, the under-achieving, chubby math wunderkind who acts as the the emotional anchor of the show is a boy who I would have pined after in high school. Actually, he's a whole lot like the boy I actually did pine after in high school, the one that sleeps next to me in bed at night now, so I can only hope that Eli finds a girl who will love him for who he is. And want to borrow his adorable hoodies.

2. Endless Possibilities

The thing about narrative set-ups like this one (the ship is on an uncharted course to god-knows-where, stopping at surprise planets along the way) is that it offers an infinite amount of storyline ideas. So, if the crew ended up on a planet of quickly multiplying adorable creatures whose ultimate purpose is to root out a potentially deadly nutrient source--shit, has that already been done?--it could totally work. I mean, anything is possible.

3. Rooted on Earth

The idea that a group of people accidentally end up on a ship in space, fighting for their very existence could be fuel for a continuity fire. But having alien technology that allows those on the ship to inhabit the body of a person on Earth makes those loose ends most shows would forget to tie up totally tieable. It also brings me to my next point...

4. Puppet Ethics

If you had only 24 hours to spend with those you loved, what would you do? Would you kiss your girlfriend one last time? Would you finally tell your parents that you loved them? Would you get totally shitfaced and make out with your best friend? Now, what if you could only do these things in someone else's body? The logistical unbelievability of this happening at all might bar one from letting people know it was you at all (as in the case of Eli). Or, you might decide to bang your wife in the form of a superior officer with whom you've been butting heads (way to go Col. Young). Regardless, the ethical and emotional issues presented are pretty interesting.

5. Star Wars References

Eli loves Star Wars. He makes references all the time and they're pretty funny, but no one else gets them which makes me sad. At least you have the audience, Eli. At least you have the audience.

6. Power Struggle

So, the Stargate project was originally a military mission, but when you're lightyears away from Earth who is in power. And when the course direction and decision making power is largely in the hands of the science folk (mainly sketchy Dr. Rush), are the strings really being pulled by a mad man who I'm starting to believe knew exactly where they were going when he jumped through that Stargate. Add to that an infrastructure back on Earth that wants their 2 cents to count for a whole lot more and you've got some in-fighting drama.

7. Emotional Punch

Stargate: Universe is about aliens. And lazer guns and space ships and survival of the fittest and all of that geeky man-boy bullshit. And I love that bullshit, but geeks have hearts too. And with Universe they also have a pretty solid writing staff that seems just as interested in developing human relationships and motive as they do thinking up cool planets and sweet technology.

2009-11-19T19:30:00.000-08:00

More Like Biggest LOVERS!

Looks like Biggest Loser contestants Daniel and Rebecca have more on their minds than 5-calorie sticks of Wrigley gum and running at 10 for 2 minutes. That's right, the fatties are boinking. Except that they're not so fatty anymore. Just kind of fatty. Daniel (20), most well known for being the biggest contestant ever on the show, met Rebecca (25) at the ranch and they immediately bonded over their mutual need for elastic waistbands. And I'm sure other stuff, but fat jokes are just so easy!

Seriously though, folks. These two are hella cute and I'm happy that they're together. But, what if they break up before the finale? Awkward City--train boarding now. What if they have kiddos like Matt and Suzie and get all fat again because they're just so happy and married and pregnant and American? What if Rebecca realizes that she's the token Girl-Who-Will-Be-Really-Hot-Once-She-Loses-Weight? I guess time will only tell.

Bonus: Recent pic of the two---

Oh boy, he is just not cute.

2009-11-19T19:21:00.000-08:00

I know that I've been less than present lately. Blame it on my ridiculous work schedule or an awesome trip back to my red state home or my increasingly non-present immune system, but there is surely only one thing that could bring me out of my not-blogging stupor.

That's right, bitches. Lost has an official premiere date. From Dark UFO:

ABC announces the premiere of the sixth and final season of “Lost,” with a special all-night event on Tuesday, February 2. A recap special will kickoff the night from 8:00-9:00 p.m., ET, followed by the much anticipated two-hour premiere from 9:00-11:00 p.m. The series will then air in its regular time period – Tuesday nights from 9:00-10:00 p.m., ET – beginning the following week, on February 9.

Who invited Nikki?

Now, I'm not sure about this move to Tuesdays and I know that I was promised January not February, but I'll take it.

The Transformation of Roxy Olin

2009-11-04T08:28:00.000-08:00

Roxy Olin is the newest cast member of The City. She's brash, spunky and was obviously brought in by the producers to stir up trouble with Whitney. Last week we learned that she's actually a good friend and cool chick (Single Ladies dancing with Whitney was one of the best moments of the season). We also learned that she took a look around New York City and realized that over-plucked L.A. eyebrows are so 2003. Here's to you, Roxy. Much improved.

2009-10-29T21:09:00.000-07:00

As promised by the producers, the promos for this season (THE LAST SEASON) of Lost will contain absolutely no footage. Apparently, the premiere episode is so spoiler-packed that they can't show even a second.

Get pumped.

BB Charlie is looking for Lost on the horizon.

2009-10-24T08:04:00.000-07:00

The Challenge this season has been good as ever. Surprisingly, the show has been more about game play and challenges than drama and hooking -up, which is quite a feat considering the kind of drama and hooking up that's been going on. Wes and Johanna are one the challenge together but he's with KellyAnne who used to be with Cohutta and he's still mad that Johanna hooked up with Kenny on the Island--the same Kenny who's been making out with Sara, who's been telling everyone that KellyAnne has slept with everyone on the show. Got all that? It can be pretty confusing, so I came up with a trusty chart to let you know who's hooked up with who's hooked up with who. It's all pretty incestuous, and truthfully, it's just a fraction of what really takes place. I only included people who were directly connected to those on the Island, so that leaves out some pretty epic hook-ups. Hopefully this will remind you of some good TV watching times. Like the Rachel-Veronica-Abram threesome that resulted in a long term relationship between the two girls. Or the fact that Mike "The Miz" used to rule the Challenges and get all of the ladies. Enjoy. At least you know who you can safely get with, namely virgin Chet, boring Nick and chubby Ibis.

2009-10-23T16:02:00.000-07:00

Troy and Abed do they thing.

2009-10-21T20:16:00.000-07:00

So You Think You Can Dance Top 20!

(the ones that I like)

Mollee Gray (18) Jazz

Too precious for words, Mollee has the proper pedigree for a sugary-sweet teen star. She worked as a back-up dancer in the High School Musical movies and comes from a low-income, high hope tight knit family (Selena Gomez anyone?) She's 18 but seems 15 which is pretty endearing in a day and age when my knowledge of what the kids are up to is comprised of blow-job references I hear on NYC Prep. She seems genuinely excited to be there. Plus, watching her try to be all sexy in Latin Ballroom will be a delicious, delicious train wreck.

Ellenore Scott (19) Contemporary

So, she spells her name like that, which I would typically make fun of. And she has that awesome picture above, which I would typically make fun of. BUT, she's totally spot of with her technique. And she did something that no other girl has ever attempted to do: SHE WAS FUNNY. You may remember her audition that I posted a few weeks ago...the one in which she shook her little tush and looked at it like my dog looks at his backside after he farts. Hilar. I love her.

Russell Ferguson (20) Hip Hop and Krump

Krump dancing makes me want to punch someone and put one eyebrow up afterward, looking at them for a really long time like, "Yeah bitch, I just punched you. Do something about it. Ass. Face." Or something like that. He happens to be really good at most other styles too. He says that he has no formal training, and I think that he's full of a little thing that I like to call bullshit. But what the hell, lying never hurt you in show business.

Nathan Trasoras (18) Contemporary

There is not a picture (available on the internet at the time of publishing) that is capable of conveying how hot Nathan is. He's only 18 but I think he might love me IRL, just like that episode of Ally McBeal where Ally dates James Marsden and they play baseball at the end of the episode and she feels young again, just one more time. One last time. The boy can move. Will definately capture the teenage fangirl vote (AKA AllofTheVote)

I am, however, super bummed that my fav contestant of the show the entire time chose not to continue. The judges asked Paula Van Oppen to be on the show, but she had to decline.

Ms. Paula had to go film Burlesque with Diva Christina and Diva Cher and Diva Julianne Hough (maybe not that last one, but she does have a banging body, and I do have to give props to anyone with balls enough to film a ProActiv commercial). It's a huge opportunity, and she really does have star power. Good luck Paula, I hope you can catch a few episodes. I know I will.

2009-10-20T21:57:00.000-07:00

Admittedly, The City is a fairly inaccurate representation of New York City life. Given that is a spin-off of a spin-off of a partially scripted MTV "reality" show about vapid, insipid Californian teenagers (there has to be some mathematical formula for calculating the probability of reality at any given point in a season--considering distance from original "reality", right?), viewers have to go into the show knowing that there will be an element of disbelief. The premise involves women in their early twenties maneuvering their way through love and career starts--specifically in the fashion industry. See folks, IRL the fashion industry in New York City, especially at this point in time economically, especially at the beginning of one's career, is an extremely difficult nut to crack. Most people have to work for years fetching coffee and cataloging handbags to even get the opportunity to work for people like Joe Zee, let alone have them talk to you face to face like you're more than just a lackey. But alas, Olivia works at Elle (a place where I myself failed to even get an internship---I did get an interview however----see? I'm just like Olivia!) as some sort of made up position called "Assistant Accesories Editor" where she answers immediately to the Creative Director and PR Manager and Whitney moonlights as a fill-in-the-blank-I-sit-at-the-computer-and "assist"-Kelly at People's Revolution when she's not launching a fashion line. It's pretty much the same thing I do at my job except that instead of obeying orders these girls get boy advice from their super famous bosses and instead of making no money they can afford luxurious rooftop apartments on the Lower East Side. So yeah, just like me.

But these facts aren't enough to deter me. See, The City has what The Hills now lacks. Whitney Port is outrageously likeable. She was always my favorite cast member of The Hills not only because she gave Lauren great advice on fools like Jason and Brody (why are these people burned into my mind for eternity?!), but because her reactions to the ridiculous drama swirling around the show were always so adorable and genuine. I think the chick, no matter how scripted the show is, really is that genuine. I think that she would have taken trampy Roxy in even if the cameras weren't there. I think she really is that wide-eyed excited to be in NYC. And speaking from personal experience, she really is that pretty. I saw her leaving the Britney Spears concert last fall and the poor girl was perfectly styled, coiffed and perfectly mobbed by a couple dozen teenaged girls.

It also has that premise, no matter how little it delivers on it in reality. See, reality has very little to do with the premise in the first place as its very appeal is based on the promise of something bigger, brighter and better than whatever currently exists in one's life. The City appeals to girls all over New York, all over the country for that matter, because it's everything that New York has ever promised. It's Alicia Keys and Jay-Z playing an ode to opportunity. It's cocktails and stilettos at parties you feel like you could have only ever snuck in to. It's trading suburbia, trailerparks, tapered pants, getting married at 21, insurance jobs, and lowered expectations for the "bright lights, long nights, high rise, over time...". It's the chance to know that even if you're not living the lives of the girls on The City, if you're here just knowing that there's a chance that you can, can make you feel on top of the world.

True Blood Spoilers

2009-10-16T06:55:00.000-07:00

True Blood's Season 3 won't return until next summer, but we can still bring you the scoop on what's happening when the HBO series returns. "It's a crazy season," executive producer Alan Ball tells TVGuide.com. "It picks up right where we left off and things get weird really fast."

As Ball already spilled, someone is going to die and we'll be pretty happy about it. Find out what else he teases, including the juicy relationship between Eric (Alexander Skarsgård) and Sookie (Anna Paquin), and the addition of some new characters. Also, get a few extra tidbits from your favorite shaggy dog, star Sam Trammell.

Who's coming back? "The Queen is coming back," Ball reveals. "Godric is coming back for an appearance, a flashback. There's some new vampires in town, there are some werewolves. We do have a lot of werewolves coming in, male and female, but we haven't started casting for the show yet."

Sookie and Eric: Sookie's been seeing visions of her and Eric getting — ahem — friendly. Will their romance actually progress, not just in her head? "I can definitely tell you [we'll see that] in the show. I don't know if it will necessarily be in Season 3. Of course they're going to come together, it's fated. It's not something that's going to happen right off the bat."

Theme of Season 3: "It seems to be that it's about really embracing one's identity," Ball tells us. "Season 2 was more about how religions can make people do things that maybe they wouldn't do otherwise; it gives them the freedom to do things. This season is a lot about what it means to be who you are, or what you are."

Sookie's background: "Sookie still doesn't know exactly what she is. She will get closer to figuring out why she has these random powers that show up when they do," says Ball. (Spoiler alert: In the books, Sookie discovers she has fairy blood running in her.) "She is definitely part of a different race," adds Ball. "In terms of fairies, like perky fairies with wings, like Tinkerbell, no, they're not like that. If it is fairies, they're fierce. They're not pretty, soft, glamorous, gossamery things. They're really, really, really powerful and primal creatures.

Sam's real family: "There's some new shape-shifters who may be Sam's biological family," teases Ball. Adds Trammell, "As I understand it, I'm going to be trying to find my biological family, who put me up for adoption or abandoned me. I have a feeling they're going to be very creepy, sketchy, weird, shape-shiftery weirdos. They're going to be bad news."

Sam's love life: "Can he ever trust a woman again? I don't know if he can, so he may have to just turn into an animal, stay an animal and seek love that way," jokes Trammell. "I hope he does, in all seriousness, but it could take a season or two for him to build up that confidence again."

2009-10-13T09:53:00.000-07:00

Oh, Tool Academy. You are the icing on the cupcake that is life.

In my forward thrust toward television journalism infamy, I've neglected to so much as mention this little gem. The concept is simple: men with big egos, big muscles and gigantic collections of hair product are brought to the VH1 Tool Academy by their self-esteem-lacking girlfriends to improve on themselves and their relationships.

This is a real contestant.

For me, it isn't the masculine posturing, drunken screaming or tear-filled infidelity admittances that get me. It's the staged television wedding at the end of the season. Like a fairytale.

2009-10-13T07:02:00.000-07:00

Watching Dexter regularly this season--having a boyfriend who orders premium channels has its benefits--and it just keeps getting better. The show that manages to make its audience root for the unlikeliest of characters (a serial killer) does one thing really, really well: suspense. This season Dexter is easing into his role as a suburban dad while maintaining his work at the blood lab AND calmly dismembering not-so-upstanding members of the Florida community. On top of all of that, The Trinity Killer (in the ultra creepy form of John Lithgow) is killing on Dexter's stomping ground.

Dexter's lack of sleep and debilitating over-extension are making him get a little sloppy, and his latest killing led him the a three day scavenger hunt through the annals of his own mind. The show doesn't always get everything right. Dexter's metaphorical quest to have a perfect family should actually be a lot more easily attainable (his wife is an absolute nag and wretch!) and sub-plots such as sis's affair with the serial killer hunter are just plain stretching it (and it's a show about serial killers), but more often than not, it hits its mark.

2009-10-10T11:13:00.000-07:00

My Monkey Baby is a real show. That is all.

2009-10-09T14:56:00.000-07:00

The current season of So You Think You Can Dance looks promising, with an array if sick dancers. I've said time and again that I love this show for a loooooooong list of reasons, not the least of which is the fact that I have absolutely no dancing ability.

Vegas week auditions started this last week, and here are a couple of early favorites. An adorable 18 year old who is technically amazing (and jailbait hot) and a quirky contemporary girl with some ballet chops.

Jesus Girl from ANTM is as excited as I am...Glee roundup!

2009-10-06T06:16:00.000-07:00

2009-10-06T05:20:00.000-07:00

BRB...shaking and crying...

2009-10-02T12:11:00.000-07:00

Gossip Girl here, for your one stop look into the lives of Upper East Siders.

Except now, most of them are living on the Lower East Side and participating in a whole new kind of annoying. See, there are a few super annoying types in NYC.

1. Upper Manhattan socialites who have been fed everything with a silver spoon and never venture below midtown.

2. NYU Hipsters whose snobbish behavior toward Type 1 UWSers is hilarious considering that most of these kids also come from money but just smell worse.

3. Financial district douches who go out taking shots well into their 30's.

And those are just a few from Manhattan. Don't even get me started on artistic Brooklynites.

Anywho, Dan, Blair, Vanessa, Dan's midget brother and Georgina are all attending NYU. Serena is skipping out on Brown in favor of gallavanting with former? player Carter, Nate is running around with a rival family's prodigal daughter in some sort of a vanilla Romeo and Juliet, and Chuck is doing his best to open a high end strip club. The storylines and character overlapping is actually really refreshing following a bit of a Sophomore slump that saw Chuck and Blair as the only beacon of hope on the show.

Georgina is determined to take Blair down and she seems to be good at it. She's literally sleeping with enemy as she's seduced dumbass Dan with her transluscent skin and fish lips. She's also Vanessa's new bestie and the combo are not letting Blair get a word in edgewise. Speaking of, in a ridiculous plot twist, Ms. Waldorff has chosen to live in the dorms for her Freshman year. And surprise, surprise, Georgina's her roommate! That Blair is a power-hungry bitch whose insensitivity towards the feelings of others is more than a little off-putting is a given. But watching Blair fall on her face as her transition from Queen Bee-dom proves increasingly difficult is heartbreaking. Blair is mean but Georgina is mean and fake. It's just plain wrong.

Vanessa has taken up with Lily and Rufus' son, except that Lily and Rufus don't know that he's their son. The truth was about to come out, but then he lied to Rufus, saying that he was the boy's brother. Vanessa is bound to be pissed, what with her truth seeking moral compass, and it's kind of a shame. I mean, I think that he really does like her, even if his initial motivations were to sneak his way into the Humphrey family. He is, however, a certified midget and looks hilarious standing next to Vanessa.

Chuck and Blair continue to be adorable as they attempt to continue being ChuckandBlair. There's going to be a wrench thrown in this love story pretty soon, I'm sure, but for the time being it's nice to see both of them happy and healthy.

2009-10-02T12:01:00.000-07:00

Project Runway suckfest this episode in which none of the outfits were remotely cute at all. I'm not a quitter so I won't stop watching this season, but my future with PR is seriously in jeopardy.

Here are the winners from last night's episode:

Designed by Irina and assisted by Geordana (lame partner challenge proved lame), this was the best? I mean, I know that it was a Macy's challenge but ready-to-wear doesn't have to mean cheap and midwest-worthy. Yuck.

These are the outfits that lost it for Louise. The thing is, her name was Louise Black and she looked like she never stopped being obsessed with the 20's after that costume party in college. I've also never heard the word "ruffles" so much in my life.

Excuse me while I go take a nap.

2009-10-02T11:08:00.000-07:00

Short season continues, and I'm generally unimpressed. In an attempt at relevance, Tyra and Co. made this week's challenge about beauty shots, surely the only market that these midgets will be able to corner.

Here's the best and the worst:

This heifer is finally gone. Good riddance.

Called 2nd?! What the hell is Tyra thinking?

Called first. She looks totally beautiful.

My personal favorite. This girl is insanely good.

My favorite model delivers again. Also, the only one to stir up any drama in this lame ass season.