24- 8:00am-10:00 am

8:00-9:00

Jack Bauer is back and kicking some ass.

We last left Jack saving some orphans' lives in Sangala, Africa in exchange for his return to the states. We first see him getting grilled by an asshole President (played by Foreman's dad who I kept expecting to call him a dumbass curtly). Jack's not gonna apologize for his actions. Jack Bauer will make you eat your own poop and wear a tutu if it means stopping the terrorists. And he will look fine doing it. Congressman dude gets all pissy when agents from the FBI crash in on the proceedings. Apparently they need a little Jack in their lives.

And they really, really do. Turns out the shit going down in Sangala is spreading to the United States. Some rogue bad-guy dudes have abducted a computer expert who worked on a huge firewall project for the government. They're basically holding him hostage so that he can make a module that will hack into the national mainframe allowing those in possession to manipulate everything from air traffic control to the power grid. It's kind of like the plot of the latest Die Hard but with less right wing overtones and more TONY ALMEIDA. You'll recall that Jack left Tony, thinking that he was dead, with the Chinese government. Oh, well he seems to be very much alive and very much in charge of this little operation.

Thus, we get the reason that the FBI, and specifically Renee Walker (a fiesty freckled red head who you know is about to fall for Jack real bad) want to talk to Jack so badly. Turns out intelligence has gathered a security camera pic of Tony breathing and stealing and luring Jack Bauer back into being Jack Bauer. Renee asks for his help offering no guarantees but promising a good word at his hearing. Jack's hearing none of it because he just cares about saving the world. Again. This man does not shit, eat or rest. He kicks ass and takes names, do not talk to him like he's a normal person.

While in the framework of the FBI story, we are introduced to some of the organization peeps. There's the head dude who has it bad for Renee and immediately hates Jack and there are two techies who hate each other. One is a Renee lackey aptly played by Gen-Xer Janeanne Garafolo, and the other is her annoying, dick head co-worker played by some man who looked like an over chiseled muppet. This show's character development is about as translucent as a Tara Reid red carpet dress but it does the trick, we hate him. Against Stick Up His Ass's wishes Renee enlists Jack, listens to his every suggestion and under his advisement agrees to travel to Washington, warrant less to question a former CTU informant.

Meanwhile in the White House, better-than-Hilary-Clinton-ever-could-be female President Allison Taylor watches as the violence in Sangala escalates. She decides that she has to do something about it and against the advice of her Chief of Staff. Her husband offers to help quell the press and we, as viewers, are let in on the secret that no one trusts his ability to help at all so soon after his son's apparent suicide.

Renee and Jack go to the informant's apartment and when he doesn't talk right away Renee gives Jack the okay to "do whatever it takes". Well, when you're Jack Bauer that means holding a ball point pen to the dude's eyeball and looking all crazy-face. Before they can get anything out of him, he's shot by a sharp-shooter. The phone rings and it's Tony warning Jack to stay away.

9:00-10:00

The bad guys are testing the module and the FAA is unable to get a hold of one of their planes. They finally obtain audio of the plane's communication and find out that whoever has hacked in is controlling the direction that the plane is going. Under their direction, two planes nearly crash on a runway and the terrorists' point is proven; if they wanted to, they could take a lot of lives.

The FBI calls a SWAT team to the building that the sniper was on, and a sweep of the building is done. Jack gets suspicious and questions whether there is a mole in the department given the speed with which they arrived there to kill the informant. His suspicions are confirmed when he notices the sniper escaping. See, he's wearing different shoes than the rest of the SWAT drones. That Jack Bauer, he's a smart one. Because he's super sexy and Ginger wants to sex him up, she agrees to follow the sniper without telling anyone where they're going. When Stick Up His Ass Boss calls she lies to him about where they are going. So, like any creepy dude would he orders the techies to track her down using the car's GPS coordinates. Creeeeeeeeeeeeepppppppppy. Jack and Renee follow the sniper to the docks where who do they find up Tony! After some bad ass Jack Bauer action, they capture Tony and wound them sniper, all as Creeper flys overhead in a helicopter. It's just like when your parents catch you making out with a boy when you're supposed to be studying except Jack tourtures people and Renee wears really nice pants suits.

The President orders a press conference announcing that the United States is meaning with Sangala Prime Minister Matobo and intends to protect the citizens from General Juma, even if that means military action. Informed about the near miss, the President calls an emergency meeting with Homeland Security. We then see the module being shown to the same Commander of Juma's army whose brother Jack killed. This could get hairy.

The First Man is on a mission to talk to his dead son's ex-girlfriend---that girl from Popular who wasn't in Skulls or fat or married to Mellisa Etheridge---because he believes that he was actually murdered and that she knows more than she's saying. His right hand Secret Service agent makes a call to the Chief of Staff without his knowing and tells him that he thinks the First Man is not in the right state of mind.

Now Guest Starring on the Office:

During the 2-hour Office special following the Super Bowl we have 2 confirmed guest stars.



Mai Boo, Jack Black.



Mai Boo, Alba. Just please, don't let her talk.

Did I mention that the episode centers around the office crew roasting Michael? Ah-maze-ing.

The Office

In this episode we got:

A new prank.



That ended poorly for Dwight.



It was a really great episode. The Dwight/Angela/Andy triangle came to a head, unbeknown to Andy. Also, Andy played the sitar.

Andy: [playing the guitar] Ange, check it out. [singing] There's a place in France / where the naked ladies dance.

Angela: Really Andy? It's Christmas. And you're singing about nudity and France. [walks away]



Meredith gets wasted and lights her hair on fire on accident. Oopsie. So Michael arranges an intervention.

Meredith: I don't mind telling you I have an addiction. I do. To porn.
[collective sighs from everyone in the office]

Michael Scott: Alright, no no no. No. That is-- the image, I think we can all agree, is very disgusting but you know what? Meredith, you lit your hair on fire today. What about tomorrow? What is going to happen when you come into work and you're dead?

Dwight Schrute: I stab her in the brain with a wooden stick.
[cut to talking head]

Dwight Schrute: There are several ways to kill a zombie. But the most satisfying one, is to stab it in the brain, with a wooden stick.

Dwight Schrute: In the Schrute family we believe in a five-fingered intervention. [raises fist] Awareness. Education. Control. Acceptance. And punching.

Dwight sold Christmas toys on the side. Even one to Daryll...and then Toby.

Darryl: (after Toby sees that the doll is black) Is there something wrong with the doll?

Toby: No. It's even better than the one I wanted.

And Jim and Pam were adorable.

Pam Beesly: I knew it.
Jim Halpert: You did not know it.
Pam Beesly: I knew some of it.
Jim Halpert: Everyone knew some of it.
Pam Beesly: [Pam turns to Jim] It's Christmas.
Jim Halpert: You knew it.
Pam Beesly: Thank you. [to camera] I knew it.
Jim Halpert: She knew it.

Lest we forget...

On January 11th we'll be graced with Jack Muthafucking Bauer's presence once again. I watched Redemption, the 24 mini-movie that followed Jack all the way to Africa, and it blew me away. Included were:

1. Jack killing a dude with his feet, Sayid stylee.
2. Jack killing some dudes with some bombs.
3. Jack trying to help a Lost Boy.
4. Jack giving up his freedom for the sake of little African boys.
5. Jon Voight creeping us out.

Put on your fancy panties people. You know Keifer will be taking them off.

A Note on 17 and Counting.

I watch this show out of perverse fascination. Actually, the only feeling that I can identify when I'm watching is the queasy sorrow I also get when I watch Intervention.

The stars of the show, the Duggars, live in what can only be described as a compound and survive in a largely self-sufficient environment(a large garden, giant wood burning stove, and home made soap are prominently featured in the latest episode). And after 20 years of marriage, parents Michelle and Jim Bob (yes, I really did just type Jim Bob), have given birth to 17 children. And there's one on the way. Understand the name?! Isn't it all just a craaaaaaaazy freakshow?!

TLC, the network that airs the show, glosses over most of the weirdness and instead chooses to focus on subdued interviews with Mama and the kiddos. Is it subdued that I'm looking for, or medicated. I'm not suggesting that the family is actually being drugged with Quaalude (their diction is far to accurate for that, sillies), but there is a sort of glossy-eyed adherence to the script, if you will, that makes me uncomfortable. When asked why all of the girls in the family have the same hairstyle, one of the teenagers (I cannot tell them apart and to complicate matters even more, they all have names beginning in "J") replies that her father likes long hair. Her father dictates how the girl coming into womanhood looks best and coincidentally it looks a hell of a lot like his wife twenty years ago before she pushed 17 kids out of her haha. If nothing else, it's creepily masochistic.

And let's get back to the 17 kids. I'm all for individual choice in families. Big, small, no kids at all, as long as love is present that's all I require. But 17?! That's not only grandiose but irresponsible. In 2007 there were approximately half a million children in the United States alone in foster care. And that's not even counting the millions of children starving or living in terrible conditions in other countries. If you have the means and the love to share, why not stop at 10 kids and save another seven.

That's where the kicker comes in. The Duggars have so many children because they belong to a creepy cult-like extremist religion that dictates that they ought to. And I will not apologize for that statement. Some things are subjective but decisions resulting in potential child neglect(they parent according to "the buddy system") and dangerous effects on womens' health are non-negotiable.

Michelle refers to herself as a "quiverfull". It's a term that evangelical Christians use to refers to women who use ABSOLUTELY NO form of birth control. I'm not trying to be gross here people but even crazy Catholics pull out. That would have to have cut it down a couple kids. Oh, and the name is derived from this bible verse:

Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD:
and the fruit of the womb is his reward.
As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man;
so are children of the youth.
Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them:
they shall not be ashamed,
but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.

So, that's cool. The dude probably ought to be happy so keep your legs open and hope you don't die after all of those medically dangerous pregnancies over and over.

It's not very often that television makes me viscerally angry but congratulations Duggars, you've done it. Again and again and again.

I died a little bit on the inside...

It's true. Pushing Daisies, my favorite new show last season and a constant source on happiness in my life has been canceled.

Apart from the visually stunning set design, quirky music, kooky characters and silly storylines, I loved this show because of the characters.

Very, very rarely is the world blessed with a reinvention of the wheel and I feel like the Pushing Daisies writers and creators did that. Underneath the magic and mayhem was the story of love. A boy who loved a girl he couldn't touch. A girl who loved a boy who didn't love her back. An aunt who loved a niece she thought was dead. And loss. The loss of a daughter years, and years ago. The loss of a father that never stopped hurting. Ned could not pet his own dog people. That's about as heartwrenching as it gets!

I guess America just isn't ready for a little pop-magic-realism. At least I know that if Andy Warhol and Gabriel Garcia Marquez had a baby it would have created this show.

Reality Recap

So... Paris Hilton chose a new BFF. And you know it's real because they're already out providing the world with crotch-shots.



Brittany, the burping, farting self-proclaimed "Jack Black" of the group claimed Paris's place on the left side of her body beneath her breast bone. And all of this after she admitted going on the show to promote her burgeoning rock career. To be fair, she was my favorite from the start.



And she wasn't insane like Vanessa. Bitch was in-sane. Now Paris, I know that you were snorting coke off of Parisian businessmen on yachts for most of the 90's but didn't you even catch a glimpse of single white female?! Rent that shit.

So, go on girl...and please, stop it with the headbands.


This post dedicated to:

BB u so fine!