Stop Staring at that Box, You'll Ruin Your Eyes

MTV-Drama-Rama!

New episodes of The Hills and The City premiered this week. So, with complete cast revisions for both (scripted) reality shows, just how different would things be?

The Hills:

Lauren Conrad left the show after five seasons last year to go surfing with her squatty boyfriend, write some more best sellers and design some more plain clothing for Kohl's. According to reports, LC was getting fed up with the increasingly fake nature of the show and wanted the cameras out of her life. This only stands to endear me to her more.

He must be 5'6"

Her replacement is her old high-school arch nemesis, Kristin Cavallari. What makes the choice so interesting is that Krisitn was MTV's first choice for The Hills back in the day. It makes sense since Kristin's proclivity toward creating drama wherever she goes makes for great reality television. Instead she got all snooty, tried to start a movie career, starred in that Gavin DeGraw video instead and moved in with Nick Zano along the way. Meanwhile, LC got really famous and earned $125,000 an episode. Oscar dreams out the window, reality on MTV here she comes.

With Lauren gone, Spencer and Heidi have more of a platform to be obnoxious and plastic. They're throwing a "We're Back from our Honeymoon" party--for themselves--and everyone has been invited. Putting all of these people into a room (or onto a roof, as it stands) can only spell D-R-A-M-A. Kristin shows up, macks on Justin Bobby, Audrina is mad, Stephanie gets in the middle, a fight almost ensues, blah, blah.

"It's on, bitch!"

It's all obviously set up by the producers but pre-existing characters (Audrina specifically) are getting hurt by the tornado that is Kristin. I'd have to say that the best part of this episode was seeing everyone drunk. The feeling that I get from watching people make terrible decisions while under the influence of alcohol is akin to figuring out the password to your sister's email. It's delightful second hand embarassment.

Is this the hat of a sane man?

There are a few other storylines the writers came up with. Heidi wants babies, Spencer doesn't. It's the first time that Spencer and I have agreed on any topic. Ever. Brody's Playmate girlfriend, Jayde is deliciously jealous, and Kristin's sudden reappearance triggers her crazy. Also, Stacey the Bartender is there for no reason. I think it's going to be a good season folks; sit down and enjoy the ride.

The City:

Last season's inaugural offering of Whitney Port's move to NYC was a bit disappointing for me. Whitney was my favorite person on The Hills, but her penchant for good girl boring made for an equally boring show. Producers heard my television changing channels and completely changed the supporting cast. Olivia is the only return castmember and she's as cap-toothed as ever. Elle Magazine decides to offer her a job in accessories in an attempt to create a PR buzz. In a meta-media move that has me thinking way too much about my two passions (television and magazines), her nemesis is actually the Media Relations girl.

New HBIC.

Hating Olivia in the first place wasn't even necessary for my wanting this new chick to win every battle. Taking a page from the "if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself" book, this woman not only pitched Elle being on The City, but posited herself as the villianess. Nice.

Whitney's old high school "friend" Roxy is on the scene as a new People's Revolution hire.

Fame Whore.

Apparently Diane von Furstenburg had had about enough of awkwardly giving Whit boy advice in order to garner a few more wrap-dress sales, so out girl Whitney is back to working at People's Revolution part time and launching her new fashion line with the rest of her time. I'm totally excited because Kelly Cutrone is my favorite cast member on either of these shows. Roxy (last name Olin--as in television big name Ken Olin is her Daddy) is all lipstick and girl-hating, and I'm not buying that sweet little Whitney would EVER choose to be friends with her. But the producers want her to stir up some trouble, so she's staying with Whitney for the time being.

She pays $5,000/month for that roof.

Whitney has moved to the Lower West Side, which makes more sense than her previous upper Manhattan digs. Now she can revel in her rooftop view of NYU hipsters and overpriced concept resturants.

Oh, noes!

Roxy throws a giant party that was supposed to be a small get-together and the po-po shows up to stop the madness. The party is a hot mess; boys with backwards hats wandering in and staring at the cameras. Shots are taken and spilled and Whitney's heels are way too expensive to be dealing with this. Roxy looks like a piece of low-rent trash born into money and it's going to be easy for me to hate her.

**As a side note, I would like to state that I saw Whitney at the Britney Spears concert. I actually didn't recognize her as I was too busy staring at her adorable shoes to look up at her face. But people soons started whispering, then screaming "Whitney!" and I elt really sorry for the poor girl. She has amazing, perfect skin and is actually much shorter than I had imagined--she's probably 5'7".