Stop Staring at that Box, You'll Ruin Your Eyes

It’s the second-to-last episode of The Hills EVER! And there are so many unanswered questions still! Whatever happened to Jen Bunny? Why does no one think that it’s weird that Justin Bobby has slept with everyone on the show and is still friends with everyone on the show? Why was Ali Lutz introduced for two episodes? Why are these people buying houses as if they’ll have some kind of steady income after this show is over? God, it feels just like the end of Lost. Except, not really at all.

The group is still decompressing from their trip to Costa Rica. It was a hard ride, helping all of those orphans and constructing all of those schools. What’s that? They just got drunk and fought with each other? Hmm… I bet that was tiring too. Kristin still hasn’t spoken to Brody since he called her “like a little sister.” No one has taken issue with this being totally sick-out gross — they think it’s “mean.” Brody doesn’t though. He goes to Ye Old Bike Shop where Not Charlie works (we know this because he has a towel stuck in his back pocket) and rides a little moped around to blow off steam. He just doesn’t think of Kristin like that, dude. He’s also moved onto bigger and better things, and by that I mean Canadian pop princess Avril Lavigne. You seen her in a hoodie kicking stuff over, you’ve wondered how that much eyeliner is possible, you’ve even spotted her being totally mean and horrific to American Idol contestants who can actually sing, and now she’s getting matching “FUCK” tattoos with Brody Jenner.

Poor Kristin doesn’t know yet, and that makes her time at the club — sitting directly next to Brody but not talking to him — all the more awkward. But not everything was bad about the visit to the club! Stephanie finally met a boy who she likes. Sure, he looks like a brain dead heroin addict and his profession is “racing bikes” but he’s nice! And he asks for her number! And when he takes her out he orders a Sprite when she orders a Pepsi. Ah, young love.

There’s a side-story about Lo and her stable relationship that features a rare appearance by her BF where they have dinner together and he asks if she would like to move in with him. She’s all back and forth like, “Ugh, everyone who moves in together breaks up, so I want to be engaged before I move in.” You know what, Lo Bosworth? We’re all tired of your making sense bullshit. I, for one, think that this show would be a whole lot more interesting if you had a sex-tape scandal or started worshiping crystals. Normalcy is so passé.

Poor Kristin is not so lucky in love. Brody tells her that he wants to get together to talk and she’s all, “Hooray! I can finally tell him how I feel!” She spills her guts to him all over the floor and her poor little heart is sitting there just beating for him, hoping that one day it too can become half-Kardashian when he decides to stomp on it with his motorcycle boots (let’s not kid ourselves, flip-flops) and tells her that he’s seeing someone else! The amount that pop artists who we popular five years ago comes between these people is really kind of amazing.

The only other loose end that we get to tie up is what ever happened to Heidi. You remember her; she was a fresh-faced up-and-coming singer whose new marriage to husband Spencer was just the picture of stability. It seems that she’s taken a bit of a respite from The Hills and no one can find her — not even her mom (who flew all the way in from Colorado) and her sister Holly. There’s something different about Holly but I can’t quite put my finger on it. Maybe she got highlights? Anywho, the two can’t locate Heidi anywhere and share a nice lunch where they mourn her like she’s a dead person. How sweet. Maybe on next week’s (LAST EVER!) episode we’ll find out what happened.