The whole gang is heading to Costa Rica because, hey, why not?! Lo can’t make it because her job at Smashbox doesn’t offer consolidated vacation days but Stacey the bartender is there — bartending at an empty hotspot is very lucrative — and Frankie Delgado was actually already in Costa Rica. He stumbled out of Le Deux one night and just kept wandering, finally finding himself in a beachside jungle with a pet monkey named Brody and a new found appreciation for valet parking.
I have to hand it to MTV — these vacations have gotten much more elaborate (and no doubt expensive) as the years have gone on—this may be the best one yet. They have a private villa in what seems to be an all-inclusive resort that sits just feet away from their own private beach. Kristin Cavallari sees the spread as she makes the hike from the tiny airport and thinks to herself, “Who’s the successful one now, Lauren? How do you like them apples?!” Kristin is, in fact, very drunk (as always) and those apples are actually flying balls of monkey feces. Lauren Conrad made $12 million last year, honey, there’s no way that you can win.
Everyone piles onto the patio, and by everyone I mean all of the boys and Kristin because she’s still playing that game where she thinks that she’s “one of the guys” when in fact she’s just the sluttiest one and that’s why they keep her around, shot glass in hand. The point is proven a few moments later when conversation turns to which of the vacation-goers is going to hook up with another vacation-goer. Krisitn continues her producer-fed push to make Justin Bobby and Audrina happen again, but talk turns to Brody and Kristin banging. Brody point blank says in front of Krisitin that it will be her and she shrugs it off like he hasn’t just told a room full of people that she’s so emotionally fragile and dependent that she’ll continue to do whatever this asshole wants.
Stacey the Bartender and Krisitn have a nice chat while laying in mud pools in the ocean about how much Kristin thinks that Audrina is meant to be with Justin Bobby — she should know, she also used to sleep with him. She doesn’t, however, think that she is meant to be with Brody. Ugh. It doesn’t seem that way later in the night when, after what appear to be battery acid shots Kristin starts flirting with the gay bartender to make Brody jealous. Tip #1 in the Trying to Make Someone Jealous Arsenal: You can’t keep asking them if they’re jealous. You just look like a pathetic mess. Brody says something about her being able to hit on guys and that he’s “cruising for girls” (what the fuck does that even mean?!) because he thinks of her like a little sister. I’m suddenly very worried for the state of the younger Kardashian sisters. This upsets Kristin because she’s enmeshed in an unhealthy co-dependant relationship with Brody’s half-beard. She has a “heart-to-heart” with friend-who’-not-Charlie and decides that the best course of action is to bang out the gay bartender. Okay, Kristin. Let me know how that works out for you.
Elsewhere at the bar, Justin Bobby is acting a little strange for Audrina’s liking. Strange in terms of Justin Bobby has got to be something really out of this world, so I’m feeling Audrina’s pain. To make matters worse, he grabs her ass as he walks by her. Not one ass cheek but BOTH CHEEKS. That is just crossing the line! Audrina’s not playing JB’s games anymore — but at some point she was, and walking by to get a hand full of cheek was a successful come on. Classy.
The next day, all of the boys are surfing. Justin Bobby is “better than Brody and Charlie put together” which I think is probably akin to the same equation with “intelligent” in place of “good at surfing.” He’s like the Kellie Pickler of surfing. It’s a real dude party until the girls come and crash it on their ATV. They’re all riding on the same one with no helmet — a recipe for disaster if only MTV had the forethought to make the accident happen and get America back on its side. The girls arrive and pretend to surf while their tops fall off. They lay in each others’ laps and braid their hair and flash their vaginas but nothing seems to be getting the boys’ attention. I guess they forgot the cardinal rule in Douche Dating: Once you sleep with a gay bartender, no one else will touch your vagina. It’s like that thing with baby birds and falling out of their nests.
Later there’s a dinner with gay bartender (who looks more and more like Quasimodo) where Brody delivers the line of the episode, toasting to Kristin who’s like “his sister who he has sex with.” (Seriously, where are Kendall and Kylie? Are those kids okay?)
Justin Bobby has something important to tell Audrina so he throws on his serious beanie — the one with red and black stripes — and tells her that he can’t act normal around her because she has “baggage.” All of JB’s musings sound a little like, “It is what it is, you are how you was. The universe has. You know?” Then he smoulders and pets his chin pubes, and I don’t know. I really don’t know, Justin Bobby. Audrina doesn’t either. She’s annoyed that he refuses to treat her like a normal human being because with objectification and emotional gameplay, how do you even treat a woman?
It’s a sad flight home. Steph has to leave her legion of spider friends in Costa Rica, the gay bartender has to give up on his dreams of a three-way that includes Brody, Frankie got left behind once again — but that’s okay because he’s made friends in the jungle in his time there. (He also can “read the signs”, which would have been impressive had the signs not said things like “Waterfall, 4 miles” Even Kristin can read those, dude. And by the tone of her voice when she told you so, she cannot read much) Audrina never wants to go to Costa Rica again — at least not with Justin Bobby — and who can blame her? The guy looks like Stephen Dorff went skiing and became a homeless car mechanic all at the same time. Somewhere in the distance a Lauren Conrad collects residuals.
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