Last week’s episode of Friday Night Lights was perhaps the series’ best at examining a common theme since its inception: the gravitational pull of a small town. Anyone who has ever grown up in one knows that there are lifers — those who will be born in and die in the same four block radius. There are itchers — those who can’t wait to leave the indemnity of NoWheresVille, U.S.A. and make a name for themselves someplace else. And there are the Tug and Pulls — those who recognize the sad truth of the small town situation: things are easy in a small town, sameness makes one content. But contentedness is not happiness. It’s not the same as sadness either, which is a plus, but it’s certainly not enough for most people. So SomePlaceElse, U.S.A. seems appealing because it offers happiness and sadness and frustration and excitement — anything but the gray in-between on contentedness. But it also offers dangers that may be so large that they prevent anyone from venturing out into the big, bad world. And that’s the beauty of a small town. That the natural inclinations of individuals can be seen as clearly as the unclouded stars in the sky. That a Tim Riggins will always be happy in Dillion, no matter how much you push him to leave the nest. That a Tyra will fight and push her way out of the same dish at any and all costs because staying would mean suffocation. And that there are so many others whose destination could go either way, depending upon circumstance. Depending upon timing. Depending upon the lives and decisions of every other bug scuttling around in the Dillon petrie dish.

In “Stay”, a coaxing, soft lull compared to last week’s emotional tour de force by Zach Gilford, we see the impact of the decisions of Dillioners in all three categories. After exchanging a knowing glance last week at Matt’s father’s funeral, Lyla and Riggins find themselves once again drawn to one another. It’s a realistic portrayal of what happens is places big and small all over the country. Lyla is on midterm break from college and has come back to visit her daddy. She’s also come back with a mouth full of rage for Tim Riggins. Because he dropped out college so quickly, the college she worked so hard to get him into. Because he stopped calling or picking up her calls, even after all that they had been through. But mostly because Tim Riggins is a lifer, and no matter how many personal saviors come into his life (and Lyla Garrity really did give it a good shot), he’s never going to be anything different. So, the two do what any couple full on love but short on practicality would do: they use their three days together being together. They forget about the future and the obstacles. They say goodbye in a sweet, drawn-out lullaby kind of way. Tim half-heartedly pitches Lyla coming back from college to manage a booming Riggins Rigs, but both of them know that it could never work and in the end Tim watches as Lyla rides away from Dillon for the (metaphorical) last time. Kudos to Minka Kelly for delivering the subtle speech to (assumedly) fellow-itcher Becky about how leaving home doesn’t automatically fill in the holes you might have in your heart. Just because you don't need Dillon, doesn't mean Dillon doesn't need you. And that's a hard hurt to handle.

Elsewhere in Dillon people are playing football! Sometimes I seriously forget that this is what the show is about. East Dillon has to play a team who hasn’t allowed a touchdown is something like 11,000 games and on top of everything, the game is going to be televised! Vince continues to be chided by his asshole, thieving friend and his crackhead mother wants to come to the game. There’s a sweetly sad moment where she promises that she’ll clean up her appearance if she comes and I tear up at the thought of this kid having to juggle the gateway life that Coach is presenting him, and the shitty one he's been dealt. In order to get Vince, Luke and the other East Dillon boys ready for the game (of which that dopey assistant coach has guaranteed a win) Coach brings in the big defensive guns: the Riggins boys.

It’s fun to see Tim and Billy beat the piss out of these kids and it even results in Vince and Luke finally finding a way to working together — on and off the field. When the big game comes, the pairing (and Vince especially, now the official East Dillon QB are connecting), bring the opposing team’s zero-touchdown record to its knees. East Dillon doesn’t win — thank god — but they do go out against a formidable opponent with honor.

After losing his father in last week’s episode (and delivering a performance that had better damn well get him an Emmy nomination, if not win) we see Matt attempting to go back to normal. He tries to throw a football around with Landry but there’s an emotional gulf between the two old friends. He goes to a music festival with Julie — one that she was expressly forbidden to go to by her parents — but the gravity of the situation, and its presence as a game-changer is growing ever more apparent for the couple who we’ve rooted for from the beginning. After Matt finds out that Julie has run away without the Taylors’ permission, he explodes on Julie, eliciting the real reason why this trip was so important to the impish blonde. She wants Matt to feel like he’s gotten to leave Dillon, even if for a short while. Since his mother is now caring for his grandmother and the Army’s “death gratuity” effectually has the Saracens set for life, there’s nothing holding Matt to Dillon — except for Julie. It’s one of those moments when the truth becomes real when it’s vocalized, and now that neither can hide behind the veil of pretending it’s the beginning of the end for the star-crossed couple. The goodnight in the Taylors’ driveway, so similar to so many others, is in fact a goodbye — and both parties know it. I believe that Matt and Julie belong together, that perhaps in ten years after college and long-term loves and growing apart that they’ll find each other once again and become Eric and Tami 2.0. But for now, as in every episode of Friday Night Lights, the scene plays as it would in real life and Saracen pulls out of the driveway, past his Grandmother’s house and down a long stretch of Texas highway toward something so much more. Gilford, in one of his last scenes this season (and probably on the show) delivers his performance with the quiet stoicism that has come to mark his character, and when a smile creeps across his face you can’t help but be happy for him.

And that’s impressive, because when Julie walks back into the Taylor home — with a ferociously wound-up Tami Taylor waiting to pounce on her disobedient child — she melts into a pool of all-too-adult desperation. It’s the best acting that I’ve ever seen Aimee Teegarden do, and it rips to the core the heart of anyone who’s ever experienced this particular kind of loss. When you break up with someone because they cheat on you or because they’re just a dick, or even when it’s just too much that they like Slayer and you’re into Sia, it hurts but there’s a finality that comes with doing the right thing because it’s needs to happen. When a break-up happens because of circumstance, when you know that given a different time or place or set of people surrounding you that it would have worked, there’s nothing and no one to blame and all of that pain and anger scuttling around in a heart with no place to go is the worst kind of anguish. Tami does what Tami does best and stands by with someone who she loves when they need her most, even when that means letting her daughter make the rough transition into becoming an adult.

The Hills did something this week that hasn’t happened in a long time. There was real drama, the kind you could tell wasn’t rehearsed by the folks of the show and the kind that gave us juicy insight in the real lives of Kristin and Co. Don’t worry though, lest we think that The Hills has suddenly changed forms from totally scripted show to realistic reality television, there was plenty of normal relationship flip-flopping, put upon introduction of new characters and the return of Justin Bobby — who brought us one of the best transcripts ever. Like, ever.



Our fearless leader Kristin and Stacey the Bartender (why is this girl best friends with Kristin now? How did she evolve from some trollop Spencer was trying to bang?) are at the hair salon getting their hair fluffed. I say fluffed because the faceless torsos who are working on them seem to just sort of run their hands through their hair and fluff it into different places. It’s very important that they get their hair fluffed because Stephanie Pratt (unlikely voice of reason) is having a birthday party and since everyone totally loves her, they’re all going.


Meanwhile, Stephanie and Ceiling Eyes are shopping at a candy store for god knows what and discussing the party. I lied, talking about Stephanie on Stephanie’s birthday would be too much of a normal and gracious thing to do, so they chat about Ryan Cabrera being out on tour and the sparks that flew when Justin Bobby took off his shirt for the 10-minute long drum solo at his band’s show last week. You know the one, Audrina tilted her chin down into her chest so that her eyes would be pointed at JB instead of the ceiling and then she fainted from over-arousal or malnutrition or sheer vapidity. It’s clear that the producers have told Audrina that Justin Bobby’s unwashed claws are still in her.



Then we head over to Smashbox studios where Audrina (used to?) work as a receptionist and now Lo fills some kind of position after attending a real life four-year university. She’s also gotten her old sorority sister/new cast member McKaela hired (presumably both at Smashbox and on The Hills) so she starts telling her to compile giftbags because Smashbox is both a shoot studio and a cosmetics line, making the Carwash/Strip Club concept from The Real Housewives of New Jersey seem not too far off-base. And then they get to talking about Brody. See, McKaela has gone out on a date with Brody once and he told her that he’d be nice to her and keep her safe and fed her lots of alcohol all the while reminding her that Kristin is someone that she’d “just have to deal with”, and now she thinks that they’re dating too — and apparently so goes MTV, as my boyfriend reminds me, because the white text in the corner is calling her “Brody’s Girlfriend”. And even after all of that she’s still pining after him, wondering why he doesn’t call, pleading to Lo to make her feel better about being dumped by the best looking asshole in Hollywood. But Lo offers her no such advice. She knows Brody’s ways and she’s all older-sister-warning-younger-sister-about-the-high-school’s-biggest-player, except that then she invites her to Stephanie’s birthday party where Brody will be and it’s one in a line of many fortuitous invitations on The Hills.


And as expected, the party is full of high-caliber drama and OMG entrances. And as I’ve promised it’s even full of actual surprises. Kristin is slobbering all over Brody like a hungry dog (when will this girl stop denigrating herself?), Frankie has been offered to Stephanie as a birthday gift and he is belligerently drunk, and they’re all drinking around the recovering alcoholic for her birthday, so it’s all pretty amazing. Then, in comes McKaela. We think that the drama will be that Kristin is lap humping Brody but it turns out these people have lives beyond the show! And they’re rearing their heads! McKaela has brought a friend and everyone starts saying the name “Allie Lutz”, as if it’s Voldemort and we should all know who this heathen is! It’s so deliciously awkward and real that I find myself actually entertained for the first time in weeks (the departure of Speidi really happened at the peak of their crazy and I was just starting to enjoy all of the botox-infused reactions to the insanity).


The scene is a whirlwind of coked-up emotions. Lo meekly whispers, “You guys, I invited her. She’s really nice.” Kristin and Brody continue to utter “Allie Lutz” as if they’re saying Hitler. Audrina gets all judgy on McKaela because she would hang out with the girl who Kristin described as “the stupidest girl in the world, “ and Allie Lutz is the picture of teasable caricature. Her hair is too blonde and her makeup too harsh and there is something wrong with her mouth, like, clinically wrong. I think maybe she got a bad collagen injection and now her bottom lip is dead. She looks like a good ol’ boy I met from back home who numbed his lip out with chew and ended up looking like Bubba Gump. I LOVED it. She’s Laguna Beach unkempt. She’s Lauren before lo-lights. She’s Kristin before South Beach Diet. She’s Audrina’s still-shoddy boob job. She’s the best hot mess that ever happened. She’s ALLIE LUTZ! And, apparently, she’s a break-in artist. I guess she left her ring in Brody’s house once and then snuck back in (after the party was over?) and crawled around on his floor shrieking like Gollom saying, “Brody, where is my precious?!” At least that’s how it was told by Brody and Kristin — she was “in the bed, bitch! — and now all of the sudden, drunkenly going back to a party (where, let’s face it, the door was probably open) to get something that you left there is totally the same as genocide and she’s “CRAZY!” Oh, dramz. I love you.
So, McKaela asks Brody what’s up and he yells at her for bringing Allie and Kristin whisks him away to go have lots of coked up sex because she will be “in the bed, bitch!”


The next day at Smashbbox, McKaela has a totally cute outfit on and tries to call Brody to apologize and, of course, he doesn’t pick up. Can you guess why? It’s because Kristin is in his bedroom, scuttling around on the floor, looking for her shoes because she was so wantonly undressing last night that she doesn’t even know where they went. Why is she so unflinchingly whorish? Why would she let someone tape that? Do her parents wonder what went wrong? After Kristin finds her shoes she skips out the door to meet Audrina for lunch to, presumably, talk about those months that she banged Justin Bobby and it broke Audrina’s heart, causing Audrina to call Kristin evil. Just kidding, they’re totally b-fries now so they just met up to talk about crazy Allie Lutz and bi-proxy McKaela. And actually, I was right the first time. They did talk about Justin Bobby and how much chemistry they have. Audrina obviously takes these words to heart. After all, Kristin’s really good at relationships and always chooses the man who will treat her best.


So, it’s with a heavy heart and a head full of marbles, air, and the painful beginning of ideas that she meets pop star and main squeeze Ryan Cabrera who is back from playing gigs at medium-sized bars all over the country. She surprises him and they have an awkward hug — no kiss — and I start to have something swirling around inside of me. It feels a little like two-minutes after a tequila shot when everyone’s asking if you want another drink and you’re just too busy to answer because you’re concentrating really hard on the salt shaker instead of the spinning room. Basically, I’m starting to feel sorry for Ryan Cabrera, and it only gets worse. Audrina starts spouting off worries about their relationship (you have so many groupies, I feel like I’m tying you down, etc.) and it’s so obviously “it’s not you, it’s me” bullshit that I’m cringing. But dangerously coifed dolt Ryan Cabrera doesn’t get the clue and reassures her as Audrina looks like a weak and deflated cupie doll. Poor Ryan Cabrera.



Things only get worse for her when she goes to Justin Bobby’s garage where he’s putting the finishing touches of the bike he’s been building for 15 years. We are gifted with this dialogue:

"Did you tell Spikey you saw me that night?"-cause that’s his nickname for Ryan Cabrera

"We're arguing too much," replies Audrina, to which JB sagely counters:

"That could be never good ... it needs to not be about that at all.”

“Actions speak louder than words," Audrina adds out of nowhere.

"How is his actions?” HE REALLY DID SAY IS.

"There are certain people you see that are meant, and there are certain people that you see, you can just tell. Not saying whatever, take that for what it is. You can tell, you can tell when two people are really happy."

Amen, Justin Bobby. Couldn’t have said it better myself.



The episode ends in a confluence of scripted meetings, including: McKaela talking to Allie Lutz about what happened at the birthday party. Allie admitting that she should have told her that she is actually Gollum and chomping her bottom lip away. Kristin, Lo and Stephanie hanging out and talking about how cray-cray Allie Lutz is and that, logically McKaela must be. Then Kristin agrees to meet with McKaela, who is just the kind of girl who can’t have anyone hate her. So, they meet over drinks and Kristin shoots it to her straight and says that Brody was so nice because he wanted to sleep with her, and I vomit a little in my mouth because Kristin has somehow tricked herself into believing that despite the fact that Brody tricks innocent girls into sleeping with him while he’s sleeping with her, he somehow is meant to be with her. She tells McKaela that L.A. with destroy “nice girls” like her (which is confusing since I’m fairly certain that she attended UCLA with Lo) and then chugs her wine and huffs off. I’m assuming that she’s trekking off to Mordor to destroy the one ring and Allie Lutz forever.

Glee’s season culmination found New Directions competing at Regionals and the writing staff rounding out many of the storylines. We see a flashback to the wine-cooler laced night when Puck got Quinn pregnant, and then suddenly we’re in the Shue kitchen with an 8-month-pregnant Quinn (this chick looks about 6 months along — maybe) as she forlornly thinks about the past. Mr. Shue is having a pizza party to brainstorm which songs to sing at Regionals, which makes me wonder why they haven’t figured this out until the last minute. Shouldn’t they have formulated a set list and be practicing it? There isn’t much brainstorming — or pizza eating — going on because everyone is back in the funk that “Funk” was supposed to have gotten them out of. “There’s no way we can win and then glee club will be over!” Mercedes postulates that Santana and Puck wouldn’t pay her any attention if she weren’t in glee club with them, to which Puck replies, “She’s got a point.” It’s pretty funny until you remember that just a few weeks ago Puck was trying to bang Mercedes to get some of her popular mojo — mojo gained from being a Cheerio, not from being in dorky glee club. Tina does a piss-poor acting job and I get mad all over again that she and Mercedes have story lines and character development over Santana and the hilarious Brittany.

Later in the hallway, Finn confronts Rachel about falling into negativity with the rest of the group and then spews off his usual, “You’re annoying and bossy and other negative things…” before kissing her. This proves that the only way to get a strong, independent, career driven woman out of a professional low is for a male to pay attention to her. So, plan hatched, the two head off to the choir room to drum up some support. But they don’t even need to! Mr. Shue has this handled. While driving down the road alone he can’t seem to shake the depressing feeling riding over him; that is, until Journey comes on the radio. I get it, because when I’m three tequila shots in and “Wheel in the Sky” comes on over the bar’s sound system, I too get pumped up. But this is more! This is a metaphor! As Shue explains to the class, it’s not about the beginning (five dorks composing a crappy singing groups, joined by people who hate them and don’t want to be there) or the end (working the entire year to win Regionals, only to be thwarted by the dastardly Sue Sylvester) it’s the journey that matters. Get it?! Journey! So, the group goes full-circle and decides to do a Journey medley for the competition, complete with all new harmonies and choreography. With one day to learn it all, there’s no way they can fail!

At Regionals, Aural Intensity perform a mash-up of Josh Grobin and Olivia Newton-John songs obviously having been tipped off to the celebrity judges (and Glee guest stars) returning to Ohio to take in the Glee Club Competition. Rounding out the panel are, of course, Sue Sylvester, and that TV newscaster dude who broke Sue’s heart. The kids seem scared but Mr. Shue lightens the mood with a dorky teacher quip about Finn’s dancing that endears me to the man despite his creepy, serial killer mannerisms. Then, it’s time for New Directions to go on. Backstage, Finn and Rachel share a moment where Finn tells her that he loves her. It’s supposed to be sweet, but all I can think of is the fact that he’s always saying mean things about her right before he delivers a compliment and that she was convinced a week ago that she was meant for Jess — and she probably is — I don’t know, I guess I just don’t buy it. Then comes the Journey medley. I love it. It’s a return to the musical reinterpretations (literally) that made me fall in love with the show, and even the choreography looks good! I’m lamenting that most of the solos go to Rachel, but it’s nice that they rearranged “Don’t Stop Believin’” to incorporate both Puck and Santana.



Everybody totally thinks they’re going to win, and the young actors play the moment well, appearing genuinely jubilant. As someone who won a few team competitions myself in high school, I can say that there are really very few moments as pure and joyful as these. In Glee world, people show up right when important things are happening. Quinn’s mom is there to see her sing! She’s left her dad! She wants to convert the guest room to a nursery! And then, like magic, Quinn’s water breaks and everyone rushes to the hospital en masse. Everyone except for Rachel, who sticks around to watch Vocal Adrenaline perform. My boyfriend thinks it’s a bitch move but I think it’s just in keeping with her character. Vocal Adrenaline (and Jesse) pull out the big guns with Queen’s "Bohemian Rhapsody", a song so operatic and inherently choral that I think every high school choir ever has sang it. But this one does it better than all of the others. There are holes in the floor that people pop out of, there’s a majestic white piano, there’s even Groff hair!



The real beauty of the number (and it is probably the best production so far this season) is that the editors of Glee have chosen to intersperse the song with Quinn’s childbirth. Initially hokey, the concept lends itself perfectly on each end. Pulsating choreography is mirrored is Quinn’s labored breathing, “Mama” is emphatically cried out in what turns out to be Diana Agron’s scene work to date, Jonathan Groff’s scowls become Quinn’s anger toward Puck for the situation she’s now in. And at the end, after the dénouement of birthing a baby and hitting a Freddy Mercury high note, the song ends in its lullaby way, with a “Nothing really matters…” and the soft keystrokes of the piano. Because, while this whole season has been about a high school glee club competition in rural Ohio, it’s all small potatoes compared to what Quinn just did.



The storyline attempts to do a character comparison by having Rachel congratulate Shelby on winning — or not — the narrative was really sort of strange here but the gist of it is that Rachel wants her mom to come help teach glee at McKinley with Mr. Shue and they can all be one big, happy family. Shelby feels like she can’t do the glee thing anymore because she wants to garden and have a dog and by extension have a baby because she missed her chance at motherhood with Rachel, which is pretty much bullshit. The kid, and she is a kid, just asked you to be a parental figure in her life and you just blew her off because she’s not a sparkling shiny little baby. F that.


Back at the hospital, Quinn’s looking at her baby and still wants to give it up. Puck loved her then and loves her more now, but in the grand tradition of boys on this show, will probably still treat her like crap. Shelby shows up to covetously look at her baby (how did she get there so fast? Isn’t this terribly unsupportive to her team?) and Puck somehow rushes back to the auditorium (with the rest of the glee clubers) to hear the results. Josh Grobin liked New Directions, Olivia Newton-John liked Aural Whatever and newscaster dude liked Vocal Adrenaline. Then they all pick on Sue because she’s not a real celebrity (but the newscaster guys is?!) and she feels guilty enough to vote for New Directions, because she’s the same as them or something. Nobody knows that, so when she announces that Vocal Adrenaline wins (and New Direction got third).


So, the glee club is over. Figgin’s “hands are tied” as usual, and Emma has a delightful little freakout. Will, as usual, tries to make it all about him and then tells her that he loves her, even if she is dating someone else. Please, boys! If you love these girls, treat them well! The kids want to say thanks to Mr. Shue for being so awesome and life-altering so they sing him “To Sir with Love” and it’s pretty cute and all; It moves Sue to tears too! She blackmails Figgins some more and gets the glee club one more year. Hooray! I just hope that next season there’s less Will rapping.

It’s a first for The City: Olivia Palermo got served! And by a stunning leggy Brit whose sparkle and sheen wowed everyone on the show (myself and good ol’ Freddy Facklemeyer included).



It’s Fashion Week again... didn’t we just have Fashion Week on this show? God, working in fashion is so fun! Whitney is toiling away in her closet at People’s Revolution, changing her line to try and streamline the collection of lace legging-pants and mumu dresses after getting shot down by Joe Zee and Anne Slowey last week. It’s a tough life for the emerging fashion designer, especially since she isn’t showing this season. That’s sad. Even the Sachika twins got to show at fashion week… I’m hoping that Whit said tents or nothing this year. So, since she can’t have her own show she’s going to attend as many shows as possible and prove to all those meanies that she really is somebody, she’s an important designer with a vision and a sketch book and everything!

But Debbie Downer Kelly Cutrone comes along and says, “Whit, if you’re not in the first 3 rows, you ain’t nobody.” And Whitney protests, but she’s wrong — so wrong. After the third row there are a few more assigned rows for losers with less than stellar readership and fallen society gals but then people can buy the tickets. Whitney, you don’t want to sit with people who would buy their own tickets. While Kelly’s there she asks Whitney to work on a big huge fashion show in the big huge tent for some big huge designer who makes clothes that no one would ever wear. But Roxy has moxie and pipes up that she wants to help with the show. “Put me in coach! I’ve been practicin’ all summer!” Kelly agrees and matter of factly tells Roxy that if she screws up she’s fired and I believe her because she’s Kelly Cutrone and her balls are bigger than Joe Zee’s could ever be.



Speaking of, the powers that be at Elle are gearing up for Fashion Week which is a huge deal seeing as they work at a fashion magazine. Everyone sits at the Elle oversized table and they talk about combing the city and hectic schedules and shows and Olivia getting a Marc Jacobs exclusive interview. At this point, if Olivia’s job were real, she would have already been fired. But on the unlikely chance that they had kept her on up to this point, this assignment would be the make-it-or-break it Kelly Cutrone job-threat moment. But Olivia is confident-ish and everyone has to scuttle off to their fashion week assignments and dig up some huge, earth-shattering news.



The fateful Marc by Marc Jacobs show happens and lo and behold, Olivia doesn’t come through with the interview. But she’s been touting her connections this whole time! She keeps talking about being friends with Marc! They both go to lunch and pretend to eat and then Marc gets a piggyback ride home from his beautiful Adonis of a boyfriend. To be fair, Olivia does get to go backstage. It’s her cameraman who gets rejected. What?! You have to clear press coverage for backstage interviews with a major designer at Fashion Week ahead of time?! Olivia apparently had no idea as a super-important accessories editor and when she meekly says, “Can Elle come?,” as if Elle is a homely girl she promised could get into a nightclub she frequents but gets left on the street desolate and pudgy, it’s kind of sad. Mostly for the cameraman in glasses who is left to actually stand outside desolate and pudgy until Olivia reemerges from the tents to tell him to just go home.


At the next fashion show Whitney scores front row tickets from her Berdorff buyer friend with the gap in her tooth and her whole life is validated. Kelly asks Roxy if she would rather be at that show instead of working the show for People’s Revolution and she responds that she’d rather be learning, which is a pretty responsible thing to say, especially if you’re Roxy Olin.

The weird People’s Rev show goes off without a hitch and Roxy even gets to stand in the booth next to Kelly, echoing place calls and lighting cues in a frightened whisper/scream that she’s trying to affect with power. Whitney, I’m sure, does that thing that people do at fashion shows where they follow the Amazon walking down the aisle as if they were a dog watching cars pass, leaning over every so often to say, “Sleek” or “That falls really well on her body.” Then backstage Whit and buyer girl run into beautiful English Rose/Olivia’s would-be replacement Louise. In the tackiest of all moments, buyer girl asks Louise, “Do you date Freddy Facklemeyer?” Well, person I’ve never seen before and who has probably just spotted me in Facebook photos, I did date Freddy Facklemeyer in the past. And with that Whitney adds, “I used to date Freddy too.” It reminded me of being at a party where a cute, popular boy is talking to a group of people about going to a U2 concert and I blurt out, “I like U2, too,” even though I don’t really like U2 and it’s not appropriate to mention it at all. But who can blame Whit? This Louise is like six feet tall and wearing a fur vest and has an accent. And she’s a jet-setting fashion journalist and is really, really nice to boot! Even I’m in love!

By fortuitous circumstance, Louise is also at the next show that Erin and Joe Zee attend and she’s just as charming and adorable. She sits down in a seat labeled AnnaLynne McCord and chats with the two about her work as an international cutie-pie and convinces them — without being pushy at all — that she’s an amazing replacement for Olivia, who happens to have slept in. They ask her off-the-cuff to do a backstage interview for Elle.com and when we see her cracking jokes to Badgley and Mischka about disco-wear and “boobs and butts” (that sounds so much more classy with a British accent!), it’s obvious that poor Olivia, who has squeaked in the back door with wet rat hair and droopy eyes, is getting outgunned.



Because of this and many former offenses, Erin recommends that Elle make Louise the face of Elle.com, and something be done about Olivia. Dun, dun dun!!!!!!!!!! The consolation prize for Whitney is that she gets asked by Maybelline to show at Miami Fashion Week, which is kind of like not making the basketball team but being asked to be the manager. Roxy’s being sent down to manage the show for People’s Revolution, which might spell out Kelly Cutrone keeping good on her promise to fire Roxy’s ugly eyebrows.

Real life drama (not the semi-scripted, Bravo kind) has been clouding the line between real and reality television throughout this season of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Several police reports have been filed that promise a season rivaling the table tipping antics of last year (including assault charges against Jacqueline’s daughter — Ashley — for ripping Danielle’s weave out), Teresa and her juiced up gorilla husband are $11 million in debt, and today brought us stills from a Danielle Staub sex-tape that simply can’t be unseen. Trust me, if you haven’t looked, don’t. Suddenly Ashley’s quip in last night’s episode about Danielle’s square boobs is not only funny but vomit-inducingly true.

But while the drama is ripe off the screen, it’s still there — if to a lesser degree — on the screen. In this episode: more fallout from the Brownstone debacle. The ladies chomp on and on about how they’re tired of talking about Danielle, they wish they could just forget about Danielle, blah, blah. This is confusing to me since they spend, literally, the entire episode talking about the walking billboard against breast augmentation. Don’t get me wrong, I love gossiping. It brings me back to the days of yore when all I had to worry about were pep rallies and Prom night and that whore Christine who was always trying to steal my boyfriend. But I stop myself these days, because I’m ten years removed from high school and being bitter is not cute. These women, apparently never got the memo; their BS is so high school I feel like I’m sprouting a zit.

The action centers around drama that no adult in their right mind would mutter aloud: a Facebook and texting war. See, in the grownup world even if the conflict is legit, even if what happened in the confines of a social network or in your Blackberry is some serious I want to punch your lights out shit, you can’t say the words, “And then she did X to me on Facebook” without fear of the room shaking their head in dismay. Again, these ladies have no issue reverting to places that the rest of us have run from for a long time. To be fair, half of the participants in the text/Facebook “war” (yes, they refer to it as a war—Happy Memorial Day!) are kids. Ashley rears her mini-Jacqueline head again and sends Danielle a text that she should get out of her family’s life. She ends it by saying, “Bye Bitch”. Danielle, being the completely sane human being that she is, interprets this as a death threat. It’s probably perfectly reasonable considering Ashley’s “terroristic” moves in the past, moves like creating a “I Hate Danielle Staub” group on Facebook. Ashley notes that there are 2,000 people in the group and that makes me kind of sad for the state of everyone really. It even makes me a little sad for Danielle because, I mean, HATE is a pretty strong word and I can’t even imagine how I would feel if that many people said that they hated me. I stop feeling sorry for her when it’s revealed that she sent Ashley a message calling her fat. A 40+ woman sent a girl a message telling her to “drop some weight”. If nothing else before all of this made me want to give this woman the stink eye, this did it in for me.

So, Jacqueline and Teresa go to lunch and tell Ashley to meet them there so that they can discuss the rumors buzzing around town about all of this dramz. In a move as stunningly mature as any I’ve seen on this show so far, the adults counsel Ashley to cut off all contact with Danielle. It’s making her look “trashy.” She’s playing down to Danielle’s level. It’s a deft recovery in parenting for both women who just last week got drunk in the middle of the afternoon to the point of sloppiness and allowed a 3-year-old to ride an ATV without a helmet. But, in the grand tradition of teenagers making bad decisions, Ashley makes her status on Facebook something about Danielle wanting to get a warrant out for her arrest. Her mother screams at her, she rolls her eyes and I do too. I feel like I have enough Facebook in my life without this show adding to the madness.

Meanwhile in Danielle land, the lady of the hour decides to take her ex-con bodyguard Danny to a suit store to get some new duds. The logic here is that Danielle’s only friend, Kim G., has taken issue with the eye and ear sore that is everyone’s favorite hit man, so she’s going to prove her wrong by slapping a suit jacket on him and reminiscing about their time in the clink. What’s that derivative colloquialism? You can’t turn a ho into a housewife?

The Manzo’s have a family dinner where they gossip about the Facebook war and a food fight breaks out and everyone gets called into the principal. An interesting point is brought up here. When classy Danny called Chris the f-word multiple times, Danielle—the world’s most vocal gay advocate — wasn’t so vocal. Teresa ruins the moment of public discourse by defending her husband’s use of the slur “gay” which is totally better than the slur “F------“. Sigh.

We end the episode with a showdown between Dina and Danielle. Dina wants to tell Danielle once and for all that she wants nothing to do with her and Danielle delusionally thinks that Dina wants to apologize for “her part” in the hell she’s been put through. Dina proves to be all class and boobs at their meeting (was it necessary for her to actually physically meet with Danielle? I’m not so sure but my boyfriend is adamant that it’s because she’s “classy”. I think maybe the boobs and class come as a packaged deal for him and he’s enamored). There’s some infighting, Danielle tries to talk over Dina, Dina sticks out her fish lips like only a Manzo can and we get a “To Be Continued” at the bottom of the screen as Dina walks out the door. The only problem? Danielle brought along muscle Danny as “protection” and he’s sitting in the parking lot waiting for Danielle’s command with his “phone on his lap.” Maybe I’m being a little paranoid in thinking that the ex-convict who has threatened violence against the Manzo’s on many occasions would actually hurt Dina but I’m a little frightened for the next episode. Maybe arguments are best fought in the safety on the Facebook world.

After the Soup clipshow fodder/debacle that was The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love, I’ve found myself sucked into the vacuous wormhole of this ABC ratings juggernaut. That’s right, I’m watching The Bachelorette. This time around, the object of a couple dozen men’s fervent attention is Ali Fedotowsky. Her heart was broken by dashing pilot Jake last season (after she left the house to pursue her budding career at Facebook, came back because she was drawn by the magnetic love of Jake — and also the melodic honey of Mr. Jeffery Osbourne — and was turned away by (the producers) Jake with nothing more than a promise of her own show.



So, why did I choose to start watching a program I haven’t glimpsed since ugly Jillian’s feet got obsessed over? Well, the answer is a bit embarrassing. I read an interview with host Chris Harrison saying that Ali is cut from the cloth of normal people, that this season’s hijinks spring from honest circumstances, that the Bachelorette’s reactions and decisions are lead by her own emotional compass, not the delicate nudging of the men behind the curtain. That’s right, I trusted the mouthpiece of a reality show to tell me that said show was, in fact, more reality and less show. And you know what? I don’t feel badly about it. I like Chris Harrison. Something about him makes me categorize him in the Jeff Probst vein of hosts — effective and honest, not quite as standoffish as say a Phil Keoghan but not quite as apt to meddle in the contestants' personal drama as a T.J. Lavin. I like that he offers advice to the Bachelors but doesn’t to the Bachelorettes (out of respect to the other dudes in the house). I like that he’s still good friends with Andrew Firestone (remember him? Boy, was he dreamy). And goddamnit, I like that he called out that little slut Whats-her-name (she’s not worth a Google search) for claiming that he was stepping out on his wifey. So, based on that flawed logic, I am now watching the show.



So much has happened so far! Ali has kicked off a slew of guys, including a dude who killed a bear with his bare hands. To his credit, that would elicit at least one rose from me. Not our fair Ali, though. Here are her front runners:

Roberto: Clocking in as the only minority on the show, he sure does milk his “Latin charm” bit for all it’s worth. He got the first impression rose on the first night by doing a Tango with Ali. Watching the two on their first one-on-one date this past episode, I almost found them endearing in a Mark Consuelos/Kelly Ripa kind of way (he’s dreamy but boring BUT exotic, she’s adorable but annoying BUT infectiously happy), and then she told him to “Dame un beso” in the worst Spanish accent I’ve heard since fourth period Spanish in 11th grade. It’s okay, she learned how to say it in a rap song.

Roses: Roberto seems genuinely into Ali - some might say that he’s “here for Ali” but then I would have to drink according to the rules of my newly christened Bachelorette drinking game. When he warns Ali of some suspect characters in the house, it seems like he’s telling her out of genuine concern for her heart. Also, he’s insanely good-looking
Thorns: While I admire Roberto’s efforts to stay out of the drama, I think that he’s established himself enough as a middle-of-the-road sort of bloke to be able to step in and say, “Hey, there’s a lot of crazy going on in this house. Here’s what a sane person has to say about it.” Also, although Ali thinks that he “has no idea how good-looking he is”, I think he really does. Hot guys who know that they’re hot are never good news.

Frank: I like Frank. A lot. It’s probably because he wears glasses and his occupation is listed as “Retail Manager”, but he seems like a normal guy. Ali and Frank enjoyed a one-on-one date where they picnicked beneath the Hollywood sign and sipped champagne on the hood of a convertible. Nothing like a little alcohol consumption to get a car-themed date really going. It was obvious that the two had chemistry, but lately Frank’s been stressing A LOT about the attention that his girl is giving other guys in the house. Like, A LOT.

Roses: Frank is good looking (chiseled abs, strong cheekbones, nice hair), but that’s all offset by endearingly pedestrian elements (median income job, wire-rims, affinity for plaid button-ups). He’s the layman’s Roberto, a Roberto that is far less likely to cheat on you. Also, he’s super into Ali.
Thorns: He is getting pretty stressed out about this other-dudes-dating-Ali thing. Hey Frank, I don’t know if you’re aware, but the concept of this show has a girl — your girl — dating a multitude of different guys at the same time. Frank can’t handle it: he gets visibly sweaty and his eyes do this creepy darting back and forth thing and suddenly I can imagine him 45 and balding, suspicious that the next door neighbor stole his newspaper again.

Justin: Where do I start with this one? He’s a professional wrestler named “Rated R.” Everyone in the house hates him. He has a cast on his foot that I highly suspect is the result of a desperate ploy to get Ali to feel sorry for him, paying more attention in the process. The last episode was full of drama because Mr. Justin decided to crutch his way down the road a few miles to Ali’s house to surprise her. Once there, he told her all about his “I have Daddy issues” sob story and guaranteed her that all he wants in life is to be a better father than he had. Nothing creepy about that.

Roses: Um, I guess Ali likes assholes who do creeptastic stuff, so that’s a plus for her?
Thorns: Read the first paragraph that I wrote about this guy. Also, it’s of note that when he went gallivanting to Ali’s house (which cut into sweet Hunter’s one-on-one date BTW) he didn’t tell any of the guys. I mean, it’s not like this is a huge, punishable offense but the douche went out of his way to referentially answer people’s questions about his afternoon without really answering them — and then gave the cameras a sideways glance and douchey gloating smile. Also, he’s Canadian.

Best (and Worst) of the Rest:

Jonathan:
The Bachelorette RecapAside from setting off my gaydar like an elementary school fire alarm, Jonathan is so disrespected in the house that the other guys refer to him as “Weatherman.” That’s because he’s a weatherman who uses weather-related metaphors to discuss his time with Ali. In the most recent group date, he cried after having to kiss Ali. Did I mention that he’s totally gay?

Kirk: While filming a scene in the new Barenaked Ladies music video (yes, that was an actual date) Kirk and Ali passionately made out and wrestled on a bed. The scene was just so romantic that they barely noticed the 20 crew people, 6 cameras and director yelling cut. Multiple times.

Craig R.: Easily the ugliest man in the house, I find this one endearing because as a self-proclaimed “professional bullshit detector” (he’s a lawyer), he totally calls out Justin on all of his lying and fake-crying ways.

Kasey: All I know of Kasey is that his Kermit the Frog underwater voice caused my boyfriend and I to laugh uncontrollably for the rest of the episode.

The Real World 13: D.C. started and oh, boy do I feel old.

The cast includes white girl, other white girl, white guy, annoying white guy, fat white girl, black dude hell-bent on shirking his "ghetto" past. So, um, it's kind of like politicians actually moving to Washington except every hot tub party and make-out with a gay dude will be caught on tape.

In the grand tradition of the Real World pattern, this season is going to be force fed drama; it'll be the kind of drivel that producers and producers alone thought up. No real life learning situations (abortion on L.A., transgender communities on Brooklyn or rehab on Hawaii and Hollywood) or legitimate drama borne of pressure-cooker boiling points (racially charged arguments on New York and Back to New York, Brooke's crazy-time on Denver), not even the sexually charged STD-only zone that will surely mark--and mire--my generation (Las Vegas, Denver, Cancun). Nope, it's going to be a San Diego. Or a Chicago. Or a Philidelphia...ugh.

In the first episode we meet the cast; here they are:

ANDREW



Mr. Try Hard. This dude is like that guy who runs around the party wearing a funny hat and pulling down his pants and saying incendiary things for no other reason than to say incendiary things. And to get attention. And to prove that Mommy and Daddy didn't need to love him, he can find love all on his own.

The guy's supposed to be "the funny one" but his jokes are stale and weak. He's aiming for kitsch and falls somewhere between cheese and annoyance. I see in the previews that he falls off of a ledge sometime in the future. That's too bad. Maybe it'll shut him up.

ASHLEY



This is Ashley and she likes to crimp her hair. She also LOVES Barack Obama for seemingly no other reason than it's cool to like Barack Obama. She also likes to argue. She's also from Texas. Now that I'm putting these facts together I've realized that Ashley just wants something to rail against. I wish she would start with her crimper.

CALLIE



Observe: the rare breed in The Real World. The Fat Girl. To be fair, Callie is MUCH more representative of the actual real world where fatties abound and people have imperfections. So, in the vein of being happy that there are actual real people on The Real World, I will not even make fun of her.

EMILY



Emily used to be in a crazy Christian cult which gives her a pretty insane outlook on the world. Since leaving the sect she's experimented with bisexuality and LOVES giant black dudes. She's also not too keen on God. That's all I really know about her. Identifying feature: A "there's a piece of food on your face" mole.

ERIKA



Look at that rocker chick. Look at those earrings and red lipstick and ever-present scarf. And she has tattoos!!! Only legit rocker chicks can get tattoos! There's like a secret handshake you have to know to get into the tattoo parlor. That handshake may be $100 and an hour of your time (as I learned bent over a chair, pants at my knees as I got a giant pointless trampstamp at 19), so I'm growing ever wary about her legitimacy as a rocker chick. She did sing some song on the first day that rhymed and had a terrible trite metaphor in it--it was an original. I think I hate her the most.

JOSH



DOUUUUCCCHHHHHEEE! This guy has a jheri curl AND a fade out. HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE??? His dangling cross earrings remind my of Ricky Vasquez and he walks into the house with a fang necklace and a scarf on. OMGOOSE HE IS A BLOGGER'S DREAM!!! Step down though ladies, he's taken.

MIKE



Can we just discuss those eyebrows. God doesn't make eyebrows look like that, He loves us. So, why would you do that to your face???? Simple rules people, they begin perpendicular to the eye and end at an angle intersecting the edge of your eyeball and nose. It's math, suckers. Now, for the love of all things good and just, stop plucking!!! Mike is bi. Or gay. He's not sure and I don't care but I'm looking forward to the drama.

TY



Oh hey, token minority. How you doin'? Ty's big mark was made on the first day as he argued with Ashley over religion. Everyone knows you don't bring up politics, religion, college sexual history, tipping etiquette or family secrets over dinner. He refers to the neighborhood that he grew up in as "like The Wire". I refer to his typecasting as "totally gratuitous".