The Real World 13: D.C. started and oh, boy do I feel old.

The cast includes white girl, other white girl, white guy, annoying white guy, fat white girl, black dude hell-bent on shirking his "ghetto" past. So, um, it's kind of like politicians actually moving to Washington except every hot tub party and make-out with a gay dude will be caught on tape.

In the grand tradition of the Real World pattern, this season is going to be force fed drama; it'll be the kind of drivel that producers and producers alone thought up. No real life learning situations (abortion on L.A., transgender communities on Brooklyn or rehab on Hawaii and Hollywood) or legitimate drama borne of pressure-cooker boiling points (racially charged arguments on New York and Back to New York, Brooke's crazy-time on Denver), not even the sexually charged STD-only zone that will surely mark--and mire--my generation (Las Vegas, Denver, Cancun). Nope, it's going to be a San Diego. Or a Chicago. Or a Philidelphia...ugh.

In the first episode we meet the cast; here they are:

ANDREW



Mr. Try Hard. This dude is like that guy who runs around the party wearing a funny hat and pulling down his pants and saying incendiary things for no other reason than to say incendiary things. And to get attention. And to prove that Mommy and Daddy didn't need to love him, he can find love all on his own.

The guy's supposed to be "the funny one" but his jokes are stale and weak. He's aiming for kitsch and falls somewhere between cheese and annoyance. I see in the previews that he falls off of a ledge sometime in the future. That's too bad. Maybe it'll shut him up.

ASHLEY



This is Ashley and she likes to crimp her hair. She also LOVES Barack Obama for seemingly no other reason than it's cool to like Barack Obama. She also likes to argue. She's also from Texas. Now that I'm putting these facts together I've realized that Ashley just wants something to rail against. I wish she would start with her crimper.

CALLIE



Observe: the rare breed in The Real World. The Fat Girl. To be fair, Callie is MUCH more representative of the actual real world where fatties abound and people have imperfections. So, in the vein of being happy that there are actual real people on The Real World, I will not even make fun of her.

EMILY



Emily used to be in a crazy Christian cult which gives her a pretty insane outlook on the world. Since leaving the sect she's experimented with bisexuality and LOVES giant black dudes. She's also not too keen on God. That's all I really know about her. Identifying feature: A "there's a piece of food on your face" mole.

ERIKA



Look at that rocker chick. Look at those earrings and red lipstick and ever-present scarf. And she has tattoos!!! Only legit rocker chicks can get tattoos! There's like a secret handshake you have to know to get into the tattoo parlor. That handshake may be $100 and an hour of your time (as I learned bent over a chair, pants at my knees as I got a giant pointless trampstamp at 19), so I'm growing ever wary about her legitimacy as a rocker chick. She did sing some song on the first day that rhymed and had a terrible trite metaphor in it--it was an original. I think I hate her the most.

JOSH



DOUUUUCCCHHHHHEEE! This guy has a jheri curl AND a fade out. HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE??? His dangling cross earrings remind my of Ricky Vasquez and he walks into the house with a fang necklace and a scarf on. OMGOOSE HE IS A BLOGGER'S DREAM!!! Step down though ladies, he's taken.

MIKE



Can we just discuss those eyebrows. God doesn't make eyebrows look like that, He loves us. So, why would you do that to your face???? Simple rules people, they begin perpendicular to the eye and end at an angle intersecting the edge of your eyeball and nose. It's math, suckers. Now, for the love of all things good and just, stop plucking!!! Mike is bi. Or gay. He's not sure and I don't care but I'm looking forward to the drama.

TY



Oh hey, token minority. How you doin'? Ty's big mark was made on the first day as he argued with Ashley over religion. Everyone knows you don't bring up politics, religion, college sexual history, tipping etiquette or family secrets over dinner. He refers to the neighborhood that he grew up in as "like The Wire". I refer to his typecasting as "totally gratuitous".

Oh, The Real World. Since we last saw you Joanna had lost her damn mind, Bronne had been kicked out of the house, and the only person with a normal name in the house went home 4 episodes ago.

So, after Jonna broke up with her boyfriend in order to bang Canada's Finest DJ Pat, the same DJ who Jasmine totally wanted to desperately bang for months previously, she sat down with emotionally unstable Jasmine in order to hash the whole thing out. Surprisingly, Jasmine proves to be mature and responsible about the whole sitch, giving Jonna her blessing and clearing the air. It probably has a whole lot to do with the fact that as a revenge/sympathy move, she started shacking up with Pat's cousin. He's totally gay. The whole thing is awkward. Like, going on a double date with your ex-hookup who now bangs your roommate. Oh yeah, that happened too.

Wine makes petty behavior classy.

So, after the awk dinner date...why was Emilleeeeeeee there again?...Jonna gets all schwasty and starts making out with Ayiiiiiiiiiia. (See, the vowel joke never gets old) It seems that Ayiiia has a little crush on Jonna, and not like the kind of crush that I have on Zoe Deschanel where I think she's pretty and her clothes are cute and she's just generally neat. No, Ayiiia wants to get up close and personal with Jonna's vagina. Canada's Finest DJ, world traveller and ladies man that he is, is entralled at the prospect.

Things White People Say: "Jackpot."

As Jonna shows her devotion and affection toward Pat in the confessional (a sensitive move for the live-in ex that she just dumped), Ayiiiiiia wants some lovin' too! So, she pushes (literally) her way into a threesome. Thank god for the grainy quality of the blacklight cameras because that is not something that I need to see. Ever. It's like a pack of canned sausages. That shit's reserved for homeless people and ingrates, yo.

More entertaining than the actual threesome is the morning after. I mean, there are few things that are more awkward than drunkenly hooking up with your roommate. Scratch that. The morning after with cameras around takes the cake.

Here's my boob. But you've seen that before.

The two girls try to keep the tryst a secret but good news, and Jonna's crabs, travel fast and soon everyone knows. Most interesting is that Emileeeeee gets really upset. She tries to explain her anger away by saying that she felt betrayed by Jonna keeping the truth from her and that she's looking out for her best friend in the house (does Jonna really want to be with a guy who's hooked up with three of the four girls in the house) but it seems to me that Emilee wanted her lesbo night of debauchery to be the sapphic highlight of the season. It's okay Emilee, you're still the only cast member who had a five minute segment dedicated to your need for mental medication--mostly due to the fact that no one else has a prescription.

I'm not the best Hooters girl with lesbian leanings and too many vowels?!

So, Pat and his homosexual cousin leave and the girls are bereft. Jonna is especially sad questioning whether it was such a good idea to drop her doting, dull boyfriend for a couple romps in the sack with a skinny white DJ and her insane roommate. She has faith though, faith that the love she and Smirnoff have fostered this past week can span the length of time and geography. She needs to know whether her relationship with Pat can work from Canada to Arizona, cause she's really good at long distance, so she emails him. He doesn't write back, so she calls him. Alas, he is at a club and hangs up on her. The twisted and tangled road to love.

The "hottest" girl on the show.

Real World

On the Real World, Bronne got plastered drunk and threw a fire extinguisher off of a balcony, causing the fine people at ME : Cancun to kick him out of his ridiculously outfitted penthouse. As a result he had to go live in the Student City staff housing which looks a lot like the motel we stayed in once in Akron with lawn furniture sitting in the pool instead of water. Bronne locked himself out of his room there and spent the night talking to a dog while drinking a 2-liter of soda and finally found sweet repose on a hammock that has, most likely, been urinated on 73 times lifetime. It was the most realistic part of the season thus far.

Now with 50% more pee.

In other news, the slutfest that is Joanna continued. She took her friendship with Canada's Finest DJ Pat to the next level by going on a romantic dinner with her and all but ignoring her boyfriend at home. Then came the big question, "Is Pat worth ending my relationship with Devoted Boyfriend?" Taking the sound advice of Ayiiiiiiiiiiia (who is for the record, not at all insane or unbalenced and totally has a purpose on this show beyond proving just how atrocious those cucumber headbands really are), she breaks things off with boyfriend. Well, really she makes out with Pat under the covers in her bed, below a collage of her and Devoted Boyfriend before breaking things off in a three telephone call conversation. Over three days. Joanna is classy and respectable.

Who wouldn't want a piece of that?

Other courtship activities for Canada's Finest DJ and Herps McCrabby included creepily watching Jasmine and Pat's cousin "flirt" while talking about how Jasmine is only trying to get with him to make Pat jealous. I mean, it was obvious to anyone that that was true, and they were mighty awkward together, but why do you care so much? And, oh poor Jasmine. If you want to do a revenge hook-up, you choose someone who the former crush feels threatened by, not his ultimately gayer than Ricky Martin cousin. It's getting painful to watch you, girl.

Nothing awkward going on here.

Emileeeeeee continued to be boring, but I'm kind of happy for her that they don't show her much because she's getting a little chunk-o.

Next week, Ayiiiiiiiiiiia gets a crush on Sluts O'Trampy and there's a requisite Real World/Cancun threesome. Careful Vowels, the action caught on tape won't be the only thing you have for a lifetime.

Real World, Episode Seis

*Spoiler Alert!*

Joey went home on the Real World. And it was just for plain old irresponsibility, not for terrorizing the poor cutter/resident crazy/housemate with too many vowels. Yes, Joey went out really late with a crappy band whose record company had some major ins with MTV and slept right through his alarm, and work. Since this was his second offense, he got fired from his job. Then he had to go home. Boo hoo.

But before all of that happened he got some more random spring-breaker ass so it couldn't have been all bad. Derek also got some. And Bronne too. Yeah, awkward-trying-too-hard Bronne nailed a Playboy model. The chick wasn't a centerfold, and her Girls of the Big 10 spread may have been her freshman year, but a Playboy Model nonetheless. But poor Jasmine. She's been trying so hard to get with Canada's Finest DJ Pat but she's been getting nowhere. She applied her finest acryllics, followed him around like a puppy and even tried to rape him in his bedroom. But alas, he shoved her off of him and left her to be the only one who didn't get any. Jasmine responded with all of the maturity and grace of the average Real World castmember and threw a vase on the ground.

Look, I feel for Jasmine. It's obvious she's got some emotional issues. When I was in six grade I got chosen to be D.A.R.E. student of the week with the boy I had the biggest crush on and someone said in front of the whole class, "Doesn't she like him?" And the boy I liked turned bright red and let his head hang low and suddenly every insecurity I'd ever had came boiling to the surface. I reacted kinda like Jasmine. I was 12.

What to do with an emotionally unstable, insecure girl you ask? Why, betray her friendship and flirt with her crush. Pat comes to the house to get a haircut from Joanna and Jasmine has no idea. It's like being at a bar with your boyfriend and laughing with a table of his friends, including pretty, funny Gemma. And then all of a sudden Paul, who you never really liked anyway says, "We're all glad you took him off of Gemma's hands, those two were like a pair of rabbits." And in that moment you'd felt so empty and alone and utterly, utterly betrayed. Pretty Gemma and douchebag Paul. I NEVER KNEW!

Canadian DJ Pat comes over...looks like he wants to run away from Jasmine...and goes to get a haircut with Joanna. At this point Joanna leans over and whispers into his ear, "I wasn't really going to cut your hair, I just wanted to get you away from Jasmine. It inspired me to write a poem about Joanna:

Joanna
Joanna, you are a ho
I hope someone rips out your weave
And you get herpies

Gurl, that was not cool.

Real World, Episode Cuatro

Love is in the air in Cancun. That, and the pungent smell of stale beer and frat boy vomit. If there are two things that I will learn from this season of the Real World they are these: limit your alcohol and beware of dating between the ages of 18 and 24. Before this hour is over we’ve seen the roomies spin through five love interests, put their jobs—and thus their presence on the show—in jeopardy, and set the stage for another epic battle.

First comes love, then comes being shady then comes the inevitable break-up after a week of bliss. That’s how that old saying goes, right? It looks like these crazy Real World kid just can’t a relationship right. I mean, we shouldn’t expect much from a group who dropped their at-home significant others faster than a chicken wing fresh out of the fryer, but sometimes a girl’s gotta hope. This time, I was let down. The first romantic encounter is between Derek and his ex-boyfriend. See, when Derek describes the guy he goes from being his ex to being his friend to being his best friend to being his friend-with-benefits. It’s obviously complicated, and obviously stable. So, when Derek starts talking about the ex as if his impending trip to Mexico for Derek’s big 2-1 might be the catalyst for a romantic reunion, you know it’s only going to end badly. When the ex gets there he promptly ignores Derek in favor of some old guy in short swim trucks. He leaves with him and Derek is left to wallow with his older brother saying that this will never happen again. I predict that they get back together as soon as he gets home.

In other relationship news, CJ has a crush on the Spanish-speaking host at the in-hotel restaurant the group frequents. He says he likes her cause she’s cool and nice and fun. Based on her limited grasp of the English language and cardboard personality, I think he might like her for some other reason. Speaking of that reason, Joey has sent his sights on conquest number two. And what better way to ensure that a girl doesn’t get mixed messages and tell her loud and clear that you only want to hook up with her than to take her on a double date steak dinner with CJ and his crush. Joey, outside of the bar element turn out to be legit charming which is nice to see but also evil to watch as we know what fate awaits this girl who actually likes him. CJ is hot. I mean, his hair is adorable and his pecs are tight and he just looks like he’ll smell good. But his game? It is off. He talks to the poor girl about pooping and donkey shows and the date ends about where you’d think it would. A few days later the girl tells him that she just wants to be friends.

Joey, coming off of the high of taking advantage of the second girl looking for the Cancun trip of a lifetime, gets devastating news. His grandmother has just passed. It’s terrible to think about these people having to deal with a trauma like that while in this situation, but Joey flies home to be with his family and seems to return in good spirits. In between all of this romance is the rommates’ work orientation where it is once again drilled into them that there are two big rules in the house: no public intoxication and no fraternizing with Student City travelers. No one ever said Student City employees were off the block, however, so Jasmine immediately starts crushing on a fellow employee—a tall, lanky Canadian DJ. The storyline is fairly drama-free so it doesn’t get much airtime this episode. Derek, on the other hand, comes back swinging from his ex-BF strikeout and takes up with a nice young man in a crowded club. Once he realizes the guy is a Student City traveler he explains the situation, at which point lover boy rips his Student City wrist band off. Wow. Behavior like this or drunkenly laying in the middle of the street like he did earlier in the episode will surely never get Derek fired from his job.

On next week’s Real World, Joey is on a mission. Having returned from his Grandmother’s funeral with a new outlook on life, a throw caution to the wind attitude, he decides to make Ayiiia go insane. If this episode was about love, next week’s is definitely about war.

Real World, Episode Tres

Here's a link to a Real World re-cap I wrote for Kiwibox.

When I'm published other places I have to use a publication appropriate voice so this is a little parred down from my normal voice but it'll do.

Re-Cap

Real World, Episode Dos

Episode 2 of The Real World:Cancun aired and it did not disappoint. I mean, if your definition of disappointment is feeling like your generation are doomed to become self-apologetic, depraved drones whose liver gives out only slightly before their collective brain matter turns to mush then count me disappointed. But, as you faithful readers know, I measure my happiness through reality show drama levels and not sociological generation trends, so I was exceedingly happy with this episode.

This episode is titled "Jerkface Joes and Romeos" proving that my career in copywriting hasn't taken off due to lack of talent in the stupid television show naming department.

CJ enters a hot body contest which is just about the third gayest thing that he's done so far. As he gyrates in the swirling bar lights, dog tags fluttering on his chiseled chest, one sound prevail above all of the others. It's Bronne's screams, and they are louder and more passionate than Bronne's former motherly conquest might feel comfortable with. Sure, desperate Emilee screamed. Gay Derek hollared. But Bronne, oh, Bronne looked like a beastilist in Tiujuana. I don't know, maybe he's just a supportive roommate.

Anywho, awash in the glow of Roofie Bar victory, CJ celebrates with his best bud in the way that any friends would celebrate--by telling each other how hot they are and how much, hypothetically, they'd hump the brains out of the other one. Followed by kisses. And hand-holding. And spooning. It's totes normal.

The roommates take a break from their...um...not entirely sure what it is they do beyond recouping from the night before...to find out what exactly their job is going to be. They're told that they're going to work for Student City (and we all know what that is since they've been sponsoring the get-drunk-in-a-different-location vacations for quite a few seasons now). Everyone's way excited until their boss tells them that they're not allowed to fraternize with the spring breakers (but, how is Joey supposed to fill his journal of conquests up?!) AND they're not allowed to be publicly intoxicated. The housemates react with desperation and incredulity which seems ridiculous until you step back and look at the concept of the show. MTV has actually managed to up the ante of the steadfast formula. Instead of sticking the developing alcoholics in a house brimming with booze, they stick the developing alcoholics in a house brimming with booze and tell them that if they're drunk in public they'll have to go home. Cleaver, really, given the amount of police charges filed against cast members in the past few years. It's probably much smarter to keep them in the house and drunk where there is no bartender at all to cut them off.

Time out for the funniest part of the episode. I must apologize at this time for saying that Bronne was not funny. He did something great in this episode. See, Jonna and CJ are spooning on the hammock, you know, like buds do, and she has to take a pause to call her boyfriend. So she gets up and Bronne decides that he'll put on one of her wigs and snuggle up next to CJ himself. It works until after wrapping his arm around him he gets up in his ear and says, "Mmmmm". Just like I do with my friends.

The happy couple--er--just friends, are then seen walking hand in hand while they shop for matching bracelets. It's almost cute when locals call them honeymooners until you see her talking to her boyfriend about how she's not crossing any lines and that she'll love him forever.
Here, the pair an be seen discussing how deep their friendship is and his personal virtues while he wears his cross necklace. My personal favorite romantic moment between the two was when CJ told her how great it was that as a black girl she had blue eyes. It's like all the delight of a minority with none of the mess of non-Caucasian features.

The real (taco) meat of the episode takes place after the roomies get super wasted and the tension between Ayiiia of Many Vowels and Joey of Strategically Placed Piercings comes to a head. See, Ayiiia doesn't like Joey because he's a mean boy and Joey doesn't like Ayiiia because she's "that kind" of girl. With these rock solid reasons, the two embark on a night of completely reasonable fighting. It goes something like this:

Phase 1: Ayiiia is super-wasted and asking about her purse or drink or brain that she's left behind. Joey's trying to find the last roommate because their ride is about to take off. Ayiiia starts screaming about her purse or drink or brain and Joey tells her to shut the fuck up.

Phase 2: While walking home, Ayiiia, shocked about Joey's rudeness starts screaming, "Herpies lip! At least I don't have a herpies on my lip! Herpies! Herpies! Herpies!" It's only the most mature way to deal with the situation. Also, completely founded.

Phase 3: Like a stealthy lion in the grass, Joey hunts down his pray. Finding them at their natural habitat, the local taco stand at 3 AM, he projectiles a lugie into their food source. How cunning of you rock star.
The best part of this picture, and the whole fight was watching the poor, unsuspecting taco stand guy observe as the whole shebang went down. Also, Jasmine's face in the background.

Phase 4: Back in the pent house, the girls are bitching like the girls I hated in high school. Joey, ever the improviser, tries to sooth the savage beasts with his acoustic punk pop stylings. He, of course, gets water thrown on his thousand dollar guitar. Tit for tat, just like the bible says.

Phase 5: Calm Derek tries to let the girls know that ruining an expensive prized possession kinda isn't the same as spitting in tacos. The girls tell him that he's wrong. Hmmm, I think maybe Ayiiia left her logic behind with her purse or drink or brain.

Later in the episode Jonna gets mad at CJ for trying to kiss her on the neck. It's totally different than cheek kissing. And spooning. She has a boyfriend, didn't she tell you that?

Joey actually mans up and feels like an asshole for his behavior so he apologizes to everyone involved, even commenting that while perhaps it was a bit out of hand, the retaliation part of ruining his guitar was warranted. Ayiiia, being the classy broad doesn't apologize at all and says that she's happy he realizes that he deserved it.

Next week on The Real World, girls hook up then fight. Children die in Somalia and Iran doesn't allow women to read.

Special thanks to my friend Ashley who said in a conversation this week, "Living in an all inclusive resort. It's just like the real world."

The Real World: Cancun

Last season's series of The Real World was a return to early-90's form for the network that broke ground with their documentary series profiling twenty-somethings dealing with young adult issues such as AIDS, abortion, sexuality and race. This season, I see that MTV missed what the series had become in the late-90's--a cesspool of sex, binge-drinking and petty drama which highlights and glorifies all that is terrible about people my age. The Real World: Cancun.

Without further introduction, here is the cast...through my eyes:

Derek

According to his bio, Derek is the resident nice guy of the group. Read: boring. This isn't all too shocking given the fact that Derek is also gay. See, MTV will only allow gay cast members if they fit into three categories: 1) angry and violent 2)bitchy and dramatic 3)boring as all hell. In the first episode, Derek can be seen reading a book and staying far away from drama. How upsetting for MTV producers who chose Cancun as a location based solely on its potential for debauchery. Don't worry guys, it looks like at some point the roommates find Derek blacked out of a sidewalk somewhere. If you feed it enough booze it will do something stupid and bring you ratings. That's how that saying goes, right?

Jonna

It's girl with weird name! Ahhh, how Real World Casting peeps love weird names. Look at this girl. I mean, she's not totally fug but, is she the hottie of the house???? The boys seem to think so. Must be all of the slutty clothes, pounds of makeup and tattoos and piercings. It's like, boys are so stupid you can follow a formula to get them to want to sleep with you. Not have a relationship with you, but sleep with you plenty. I'm sure that won't be happening though because she has a boyfriend at home who she's totally committed to. I mean, she got a diamond implanted into her finger to serve as a promise piercing! That is both badass and means forever. Err-- maybe just until the second episode.

Joey

Joey claims that he wants to be playing stadiums where thousands of twelve-year-old girls are screaming his name and wearing his t-shirt. That's not quite as creepy as the manner in which he calculatingly documents the one night stand he has just enjoyed on his second night in the house. Joey's a future rock star. You know so because he's got tattoos and he's an asshole. Also, he probably has a drinking problem with just goes to show how responsible that casting office is. I'm sure it won't be a problem in Cancun, Mexico.

Jasmine

Jasmine is the kind of girl I want to like. She's also the kind of girl who walks into a room saying that she may be five feet tall and 95 pounds but not to mess with her. She seems nice and fun enough but with MTV's proclivity toward vilifying black women on this show and the fact that the house is chock full of bitches, I'm sure there's about to be a girlfight.

CJ

Oh, CJ. Did the casting directors find you in the NFL scouting report or picking up chicks at the local Phi Delt? In CJ's intro video he claims that coming out of college he was the fourth best punter in the nation, which is kind of like saying you're Beyonce's fourth favorite back-up dancer. Nobody cares. You're not a real football player. CJ had a girlfriend coming into the house but that soon ended after he cuddled with another girl. What was he supposed to do??? Sleep on one of the giant couches or plethora of unused beds in the house??? After dumping the girl back home on her ass, he asserts his new found freedom in the way that any masculine football player would. By getting his hair done. And asking everyone if it looks good.

Emilee

Note to parents: If you spell your daughter's name with an 'I' or 'E' where there ought to be a 'Y', you will raise an obnoxious twit with debilitatingly low self esteem. She may or may not work at Hooters. The first thing that comes out of Emilee's mouth is that she thinks she is Facebook friends with CJ. The second is that she doesn't go to school, she just works at Hooters. The hits just keep on coming from there as she becomes flustered with Joey about making fun of her because she works at Hooters (he never did that) and becomes flustered at CJ because she feels guilty about their impeding romance (it isn't going to happen). It seems that the pressure of not being the hot girl in the house (BUT I WORK AT HOOTERS!!!) is making Emilee a little delusional. Ah, the stuff that TV dreams are made of.

Bronne

Bronne, like the paper towel. He's supposed to be funny. Like Issac except that, um, he isn't really funny. He's loud and he certainly gesticulates wildly but if volume equals funny then some people ought to think Dane Cook is funny. Oh...they do?...my bad. I like Bronne actually. Why? Because after CJ spoons another girl all night long pissing his girlfriend off, Bronne calmly explains that it's normal for the girlfriend to have been pissed. Also, he totally made out with that chick's mom. That was not hot.

Ayiiia

There are a lot of vowels in this girl's name. And that's not even if you count the 'Y'. I guess she won a contest to be on the show. Thousands of people voted to have her be on the show and why not? Her bio claims that she is a former drug addict and cutter. That can only mean good things when she has to live with seven unbalanced people and a constant supply of booze. She seems cool I guess. Apparently there's going to be a fight next episode involving her. I bet the production staff never saw this coming.