Stop Staring at that Box, You'll Ruin Your Eyes

After the Soup clipshow fodder/debacle that was The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love, I’ve found myself sucked into the vacuous wormhole of this ABC ratings juggernaut. That’s right, I’m watching The Bachelorette. This time around, the object of a couple dozen men’s fervent attention is Ali Fedotowsky. Her heart was broken by dashing pilot Jake last season (after she left the house to pursue her budding career at Facebook, came back because she was drawn by the magnetic love of Jake — and also the melodic honey of Mr. Jeffery Osbourne — and was turned away by (the producers) Jake with nothing more than a promise of her own show.



So, why did I choose to start watching a program I haven’t glimpsed since ugly Jillian’s feet got obsessed over? Well, the answer is a bit embarrassing. I read an interview with host Chris Harrison saying that Ali is cut from the cloth of normal people, that this season’s hijinks spring from honest circumstances, that the Bachelorette’s reactions and decisions are lead by her own emotional compass, not the delicate nudging of the men behind the curtain. That’s right, I trusted the mouthpiece of a reality show to tell me that said show was, in fact, more reality and less show. And you know what? I don’t feel badly about it. I like Chris Harrison. Something about him makes me categorize him in the Jeff Probst vein of hosts — effective and honest, not quite as standoffish as say a Phil Keoghan but not quite as apt to meddle in the contestants' personal drama as a T.J. Lavin. I like that he offers advice to the Bachelors but doesn’t to the Bachelorettes (out of respect to the other dudes in the house). I like that he’s still good friends with Andrew Firestone (remember him? Boy, was he dreamy). And goddamnit, I like that he called out that little slut Whats-her-name (she’s not worth a Google search) for claiming that he was stepping out on his wifey. So, based on that flawed logic, I am now watching the show.



So much has happened so far! Ali has kicked off a slew of guys, including a dude who killed a bear with his bare hands. To his credit, that would elicit at least one rose from me. Not our fair Ali, though. Here are her front runners:

Roberto: Clocking in as the only minority on the show, he sure does milk his “Latin charm” bit for all it’s worth. He got the first impression rose on the first night by doing a Tango with Ali. Watching the two on their first one-on-one date this past episode, I almost found them endearing in a Mark Consuelos/Kelly Ripa kind of way (he’s dreamy but boring BUT exotic, she’s adorable but annoying BUT infectiously happy), and then she told him to “Dame un beso” in the worst Spanish accent I’ve heard since fourth period Spanish in 11th grade. It’s okay, she learned how to say it in a rap song.

Roses: Roberto seems genuinely into Ali - some might say that he’s “here for Ali” but then I would have to drink according to the rules of my newly christened Bachelorette drinking game. When he warns Ali of some suspect characters in the house, it seems like he’s telling her out of genuine concern for her heart. Also, he’s insanely good-looking
Thorns: While I admire Roberto’s efforts to stay out of the drama, I think that he’s established himself enough as a middle-of-the-road sort of bloke to be able to step in and say, “Hey, there’s a lot of crazy going on in this house. Here’s what a sane person has to say about it.” Also, although Ali thinks that he “has no idea how good-looking he is”, I think he really does. Hot guys who know that they’re hot are never good news.

Frank: I like Frank. A lot. It’s probably because he wears glasses and his occupation is listed as “Retail Manager”, but he seems like a normal guy. Ali and Frank enjoyed a one-on-one date where they picnicked beneath the Hollywood sign and sipped champagne on the hood of a convertible. Nothing like a little alcohol consumption to get a car-themed date really going. It was obvious that the two had chemistry, but lately Frank’s been stressing A LOT about the attention that his girl is giving other guys in the house. Like, A LOT.

Roses: Frank is good looking (chiseled abs, strong cheekbones, nice hair), but that’s all offset by endearingly pedestrian elements (median income job, wire-rims, affinity for plaid button-ups). He’s the layman’s Roberto, a Roberto that is far less likely to cheat on you. Also, he’s super into Ali.
Thorns: He is getting pretty stressed out about this other-dudes-dating-Ali thing. Hey Frank, I don’t know if you’re aware, but the concept of this show has a girl — your girl — dating a multitude of different guys at the same time. Frank can’t handle it: he gets visibly sweaty and his eyes do this creepy darting back and forth thing and suddenly I can imagine him 45 and balding, suspicious that the next door neighbor stole his newspaper again.

Justin: Where do I start with this one? He’s a professional wrestler named “Rated R.” Everyone in the house hates him. He has a cast on his foot that I highly suspect is the result of a desperate ploy to get Ali to feel sorry for him, paying more attention in the process. The last episode was full of drama because Mr. Justin decided to crutch his way down the road a few miles to Ali’s house to surprise her. Once there, he told her all about his “I have Daddy issues” sob story and guaranteed her that all he wants in life is to be a better father than he had. Nothing creepy about that.

Roses: Um, I guess Ali likes assholes who do creeptastic stuff, so that’s a plus for her?
Thorns: Read the first paragraph that I wrote about this guy. Also, it’s of note that when he went gallivanting to Ali’s house (which cut into sweet Hunter’s one-on-one date BTW) he didn’t tell any of the guys. I mean, it’s not like this is a huge, punishable offense but the douche went out of his way to referentially answer people’s questions about his afternoon without really answering them — and then gave the cameras a sideways glance and douchey gloating smile. Also, he’s Canadian.

Best (and Worst) of the Rest:

Jonathan:
The Bachelorette RecapAside from setting off my gaydar like an elementary school fire alarm, Jonathan is so disrespected in the house that the other guys refer to him as “Weatherman.” That’s because he’s a weatherman who uses weather-related metaphors to discuss his time with Ali. In the most recent group date, he cried after having to kiss Ali. Did I mention that he’s totally gay?

Kirk: While filming a scene in the new Barenaked Ladies music video (yes, that was an actual date) Kirk and Ali passionately made out and wrestled on a bed. The scene was just so romantic that they barely noticed the 20 crew people, 6 cameras and director yelling cut. Multiple times.

Craig R.: Easily the ugliest man in the house, I find this one endearing because as a self-proclaimed “professional bullshit detector” (he’s a lawyer), he totally calls out Justin on all of his lying and fake-crying ways.

Kasey: All I know of Kasey is that his Kermit the Frog underwater voice caused my boyfriend and I to laugh uncontrollably for the rest of the episode.