So, I haven't yet mentioned Mad Men but oh boy, is it back and in full force.

I LOVE this show. It's all chain-smoking and 1960's gender tropes and period set pieces. And it includes this fabulous bish...



Watch it people.

Oh, The Real World. Since we last saw you Joanna had lost her damn mind, Bronne had been kicked out of the house, and the only person with a normal name in the house went home 4 episodes ago.

So, after Jonna broke up with her boyfriend in order to bang Canada's Finest DJ Pat, the same DJ who Jasmine totally wanted to desperately bang for months previously, she sat down with emotionally unstable Jasmine in order to hash the whole thing out. Surprisingly, Jasmine proves to be mature and responsible about the whole sitch, giving Jonna her blessing and clearing the air. It probably has a whole lot to do with the fact that as a revenge/sympathy move, she started shacking up with Pat's cousin. He's totally gay. The whole thing is awkward. Like, going on a double date with your ex-hookup who now bangs your roommate. Oh yeah, that happened too.

Wine makes petty behavior classy.

So, after the awk dinner date...why was Emilleeeeeeee there again?...Jonna gets all schwasty and starts making out with Ayiiiiiiiiiia. (See, the vowel joke never gets old) It seems that Ayiiia has a little crush on Jonna, and not like the kind of crush that I have on Zoe Deschanel where I think she's pretty and her clothes are cute and she's just generally neat. No, Ayiiia wants to get up close and personal with Jonna's vagina. Canada's Finest DJ, world traveller and ladies man that he is, is entralled at the prospect.

Things White People Say: "Jackpot."

As Jonna shows her devotion and affection toward Pat in the confessional (a sensitive move for the live-in ex that she just dumped), Ayiiiiiia wants some lovin' too! So, she pushes (literally) her way into a threesome. Thank god for the grainy quality of the blacklight cameras because that is not something that I need to see. Ever. It's like a pack of canned sausages. That shit's reserved for homeless people and ingrates, yo.

More entertaining than the actual threesome is the morning after. I mean, there are few things that are more awkward than drunkenly hooking up with your roommate. Scratch that. The morning after with cameras around takes the cake.

Here's my boob. But you've seen that before.

The two girls try to keep the tryst a secret but good news, and Jonna's crabs, travel fast and soon everyone knows. Most interesting is that Emileeeeee gets really upset. She tries to explain her anger away by saying that she felt betrayed by Jonna keeping the truth from her and that she's looking out for her best friend in the house (does Jonna really want to be with a guy who's hooked up with three of the four girls in the house) but it seems to me that Emilee wanted her lesbo night of debauchery to be the sapphic highlight of the season. It's okay Emilee, you're still the only cast member who had a five minute segment dedicated to your need for mental medication--mostly due to the fact that no one else has a prescription.

I'm not the best Hooters girl with lesbian leanings and too many vowels?!

So, Pat and his homosexual cousin leave and the girls are bereft. Jonna is especially sad questioning whether it was such a good idea to drop her doting, dull boyfriend for a couple romps in the sack with a skinny white DJ and her insane roommate. She has faith though, faith that the love she and Smirnoff have fostered this past week can span the length of time and geography. She needs to know whether her relationship with Pat can work from Canada to Arizona, cause she's really good at long distance, so she emails him. He doesn't write back, so she calls him. Alas, he is at a club and hangs up on her. The twisted and tangled road to love.

The "hottest" girl on the show.

I Die!

The Rachel Zoe Project returned this week for another heaping helping of L.A. fashion stylist bitchery.

Last season when the show premiered, it won rave reviews from critics and audiences alike for its realistic portrayal of the cut-throat world of styling. Viewers--and me!--fell in love with Rachel's go-to-gal Taylor and new styling assistant (complete with bowtie) Brad, and the catch phrases "Ba-Na-Nas!", "I die!" and "Shut. It. Down." But did the show suffer the same fate as most second-year reality shows, trading its realism for higher production values, its organic moments for discussion panel driven set-ups.

A little of column A, a little of column B. Rachel was dressing the Golden Globes and her stress was making the furrows in her face even deeper. I didn't know that was possible, so the show is educational too. The recession is affecting stylists too! Designers don't want to send couture around the world on an express airplane with just a chance of having the turn up on the red carpet. And why wouldn't they when Brad shows up trouncing around in their dresses.

Taylor, having been promised a greater role in styling this year, seems to still be schlepping it on the phones and in the garment room. Brad, meanwhile, gets to go shopping with Rachel for jewelry. On top of this, Rachel won't let Taylor try on the dresses because her boobs are too big. Instead, another assistant (someone obviously placed into the limelight by Bravo as an additional foil this season) steps in. This chick looks like Madonna and Angela Basset had an arm baby and it is not cute. When Rachel repeatedly tells Taylor that she must be jealous of how hot this chicky's body is I want to punch her in her face. I get it. You're Rachel Zoe and you look like a skin hanger, but that doesn't mean that you have to be rude to people who have normal bodies. And why exactly couldn't Taylor try on Anne Hathaway's dress? Have you seen the bazungas on that girl?

Anywho, at the end of the day I got to see lots of pretty clothes and die a little myself over the vintage jewelry Rachel scored. I'll stay tuned for additional fashion and drama.

Project Runway Disappoints

Project Runway debuted on Lifetime and this is all I have to say is NO! NO! NO!

The first challenge was a red carpet dress. What?! Where's my "Make a Dress Out of Cottage Cheese and Rice Paper" first challenge? Why are we throwing these people softballs only to get lackluster results.

Uh, the best part of the episode was when guest judge Lindsey Lohan (yes, you read that right) sent the Sam Ronson look-alike packing.

Separated at birth?

They've changed the location of the show to Los Angeles which is like moving Cannes to Amsterdam. And with the location change has come all sorts of other changes too. The show is chock full of guest judges who have a whole lot to do with celebrity and not a lot to do with fashion. Nicole Kidman, Jennifer Lopez and the premiere's Lindsay Lohan (BUT SHE SELLS A LINE OF LEGGINGS!!!!) have no business telling people whether they ought to be in or out.

Nina Garcia does not approve.

Real World

On the Real World, Bronne got plastered drunk and threw a fire extinguisher off of a balcony, causing the fine people at ME : Cancun to kick him out of his ridiculously outfitted penthouse. As a result he had to go live in the Student City staff housing which looks a lot like the motel we stayed in once in Akron with lawn furniture sitting in the pool instead of water. Bronne locked himself out of his room there and spent the night talking to a dog while drinking a 2-liter of soda and finally found sweet repose on a hammock that has, most likely, been urinated on 73 times lifetime. It was the most realistic part of the season thus far.

Now with 50% more pee.

In other news, the slutfest that is Joanna continued. She took her friendship with Canada's Finest DJ Pat to the next level by going on a romantic dinner with her and all but ignoring her boyfriend at home. Then came the big question, "Is Pat worth ending my relationship with Devoted Boyfriend?" Taking the sound advice of Ayiiiiiiiiiiia (who is for the record, not at all insane or unbalenced and totally has a purpose on this show beyond proving just how atrocious those cucumber headbands really are), she breaks things off with boyfriend. Well, really she makes out with Pat under the covers in her bed, below a collage of her and Devoted Boyfriend before breaking things off in a three telephone call conversation. Over three days. Joanna is classy and respectable.

Who wouldn't want a piece of that?

Other courtship activities for Canada's Finest DJ and Herps McCrabby included creepily watching Jasmine and Pat's cousin "flirt" while talking about how Jasmine is only trying to get with him to make Pat jealous. I mean, it was obvious to anyone that that was true, and they were mighty awkward together, but why do you care so much? And, oh poor Jasmine. If you want to do a revenge hook-up, you choose someone who the former crush feels threatened by, not his ultimately gayer than Ricky Martin cousin. It's getting painful to watch you, girl.

Nothing awkward going on here.

Emileeeeeee continued to be boring, but I'm kind of happy for her that they don't show her much because she's getting a little chunk-o.

Next week, Ayiiiiiiiiiiia gets a crush on Sluts O'Trampy and there's a requisite Real World/Cancun threesome. Careful Vowels, the action caught on tape won't be the only thing you have for a lifetime.

NYC Prep ended its inaugural season with the sort of school year wrap-ups we've all become accustomed to. Prom and graduation and tearful goodbyes. Well, not quite. But Jesse fell down some stairs and Bravo previewed Camille's Upper East Side social ascension. It was a little gross and sad and it made me both look forward to and dread what's ahead. See? I've been telling you the whole time it's just like high school!

The centerpiece of this episode was Jessie's big Operation Smile fete. I must say that I've shirked one of the largest elements in the show over the past few updates. Jessie, who happens to be one of my favorite cast members, is stunningly unattractive. I feel conflicted about typing that because she's a kid. Remember when all of the blogs were abuzz with talk about how Whitney and Bobby's little baby girl was a tubby bunny? Even I, avid pop-culture fanatic and serial internet shit talker, was taken aback by this kind of insensitivity. And sometimes I feel like I'm being like those people. But then I remember that Jessie signed up for this show. In fact, as I read in New York Magazine the other week, she actively pursued the camera time. See, it turns out that Jessie was good friends with Bethanie Frankel's (Real Housewives of New York) daughter and pushed PC into also participating. So, I'm going to go ahead with this.

Jessie's face is so unfortunate I feel badly for her. She looks like a horse crossed with Eric Stoltz in Mask.

Wiiiiiillllber...

Watching her pine after obviously gay PC all season has been so sad, especially when I look up from my computer to see that mug.

But the girl is driven and passionate and I can't really hate on her for being bitchy occasionally. In specific, her event with Operation Smile in this episode. We have to ostensibly assume that there was some help from the professionals at the organization but it still seems that she did the bulk of the planning work. And the event looked amazing. I know that heading committees and organizing shit like this, especially with children at your demand, can be a real headache. But she did it. When she caught those models smoking pot in an upper wing I could have killed them along with her. She is a consummate professional and I hope, and expect, that she will do big things with her life.



Camille on the other hand, I wish nothing but eternal loneliness and jagged hairline for. She used to just annoy me, and it was sort of fun to imagine her future full of cats and body shape inappropriate button-ups, but she crossed the line. She's trying to hard to be something. Something that she thinks will get her friends or prestige or probably just attention from mommy and daddy. I've got news for you honey; you're no Jessie and you're certainly no Blair Waldorff. You can wear as many headbands as you want but your power moves will always come off as bitchy rather than cunning. Case in point: Jessie's play for Operation Smile Committee credit.

Having previously asked Jessie for an opportunity to participate in the organization, it is revealed that she hasn't done ANYTHING since their last meeting. In a heated showdown outside some unnamed black wrought iron fence in Upper Manhattan, Camille claims that she hasn't taken any steps because Jessie didn't tell her exactly what to do. What do you want? A hand holding? A freaking itinerary?

Jessie: "I told you to join the Facebook group"
Camille: "Yeah, but which Facebook Group?"

It's Facebook, bitch! It isn't that hard to do! If you can't take the initiative, you shouldn't be helping. Period. You're really coming up to the head and asking to help, no--yelling to help--, A WEEK before the event? At this point it would take more effort to coordinate finding something for you to do than it would help that you were there. You would know that if you had done anything beyond studying SAT vocab. And we all know you're just doing this for the resume prop so don't try to pull the "it should be about the kids" card.

At the event, Camille has the gall to approach the Operation Smile big whigs and call Jessie out for "not letting her help". She then spends the bulk of the evening critsizing everything from the clothes to the presentation. Okay, bitter bitch, go sit down with your pity party and your tree trunck thighs. And bragging about how you "hooked up" with one of the guys on the runway before claiming that another had never "gotten laid a day in his life" is not cute. Wearing cardigans and hoisery does not make you a lady--didn't your mother ever tell you that desperation isn't cute?

FAIL.

The rest of the episode consisted of PC finally choosing a college, Kelli awkwardly singing a song at Sebastian's "benefit"---please confirm to me that Bravo included this simply because it was hilariously bad in comparison to Jessie's--and we realized that the two best cast members will be gone next year.

Good luck at college, kids! You are all going to be terrible at beer pong.

Fall TV Line-Up Schedule!

Fall Premiere Dates:

FALL PREMIERE DATES


Tuesday, Sept. 8

90210, 8 p.m. (CW)
Melrose Place, 9 p.m. (CW)
Sons of Anarchy, 10 p.m. (FX)

Wednesday, Sept. 9

America's Next Top Model, 8 p.m. (CW)
Glee, 9 p.m. (Fox)
So You Think You Can Dance, 8 p.m. (Fox)

Thursday, Sept. 10

Supernatural, 9 p.m. (CW)
The Vampire Diaries, 8 p.m. (CW)

Friday, Sept. 11

Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?, 8 p.m. (Fox)

Saturday, Sept. 12

America's Most Wanted, 9 p.m. (Fox)
Cops, 8 p.m. (Fox)

Monday, Sept. 14

Gossip Girl, 9 p.m. (CW)
The Jay Leno Show, 10 p.m. (NBC)
One Tree Hill, 8 p.m. (CW)

Tuesday, Sept. 15

The Biggest Loser, 8 p.m. (NBC)

Wednesday, Sept. 16

The Beautiful Life, 9 p.m. (CW)

Thursday, Sept. 17

Bones, 8 p.m. (Fox)
Community, 9:30 p.m. (NBC)
Fringe, 9 p.m. (Fox)
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, 10 p.m. (FX)
The Office, 9 p.m. (NBC)
Parks and Recreation, 8:30 p.m. (NBC)
Saturday Night Live: Weekend Update Thursday, 8 p.m. (NBC)
Survivor: Samoa, 8 p.m. (CBS)

Sunday, Sept. 20

Curb Your Enthusiasm, 9 p.m. (HBO)
Bored to Death, 9:30 p.m. (HBO)

Monday, Sept. 21

Accidentally on Purpose, 8:30 p.m. (CBS)
The Big Bang Theory, 9:30 p.m. (CBS)
Castle, 10 p.m. (ABC)
CSI: Miami, 10 p.m. (CBS)
Dancing With the Stars, 8 p.m. (ABC)
Heroes, 8 p.m. (NBC)
House, 8 p.m. (Fox)
How I Met Your Mother, 8 p.m. (CBS)
Two and a Half Men, 9 p.m. (CBS)

Tuesday, Sept. 22

The Forgotten, 10 p.m. (ABC)
The Good Wife, 10 p.m. (CBS)
NCIS, 8 p.m. (CBS)
NCIS: Los Angeles, 9 p.m. (CBS)

Wednesday, Sept. 23

Cougar Town, 9:30 p.m. (ABC)
Criminal Minds, 9 p.m. (CBS)
CSI: NY, 10 p.m. (CBS)
Eastwick, 10 p.m. (ABC)
Gary Unmarried, 8:30 p.m. (CBS)
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, 9 p.m. (NBC)
Mercy, 8 p.m. (NBC)
Modern Family, 9 p.m. (ABC)
The New Adventures of Old Christine, 8 p.m. (CBS)

Thursday, Sept. 24

CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, 9 p.m. (CBS)
Flash Forward, 8 p.m. (ABC)
Grey's Anatomy, 9 p.m. (ABC)
The Mentalist, 10 p.m. (CBS)

Friday, Sept. 25

Brothers, 8 p.m. (Fox)
Dollhouse, 9 p.m. (Fox)
Ghost Whisperer, 8 p.m. (CBS)
Law & Order, 8 p.m. (NBC)
Medium, 9 p.m. (CBS)
Numb3rs, 10 p.m. (CBS)
Smallville, 8 p.m. (CW)
Southland, 9 p.m. (NBC)

Saturday, Sept. 26

Saturday Night Live, 11:30 p.m. (NBC)

Sunday, Sept. 27

60 Minutes, 7 p.m. (CBS)
The Amazing Race, 8 p.m. (CBS)
American Dad, 9:30 p.m. (Fox)
Brothers & Sisters, 10 p.m. (ABC)
Californication, 10 p.m. (Showtime)
The Cleveland Show, 8:30 p.m. (Fox)
Cold Case, 10 p.m. (CBS)
Desperate Housewives, 9 p.m. (ABC)
Dexter, 9 p.m. (Showtime)
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, 7 p.m. (ABC)
Family Guy, 9 p.m. (Fox)
The Simpsons, 8 p.m. (Fox)

Monday, Sept. 28

Lie to Me, 9 p.m. (Fox)
Trauma, 9 p.m. (NBC)

Tuesday, Sept. 29

Dancing With the Stars, 9 p.m. (ABC)
Hell's Kitchen, 8 p.m. (Fox)
Shark Tank, 8 p.m. (ABC)

Wednesday, Sept. 30

Hank, 8 p.m. (ABC)
The Middle, 8:30 pm. (ABC)

Thursday, Oct. 1

Private Practice, 10 p.m. (ABC)

Friday, Oct. 2

'Til Death, 8:30 p.m. (Fox)
Stargate Universe, 9 p.m. (Syfy)

Sunday, Oct. 4

America's Funniest Home Videos, 7 p.m (ABC)
Three Rivers, 9 p.m. (CBS)

Tuesday, Oct. 6

Scare Tactics, 9 p.m. (Syfy)

Friday, Oct. 9

Sanctuary, 10 p.m. (Syfy)
Ugly Betty, 8 p.m. (ABC)

Thursday, Oct. 15

30 Rock, 9:30 p.m. (NBC)

Friday, Oct. 16

Supernanny, 8 p.m. (ABC)

Friday, Oct. 23

White Collar, 10 p.m. (USA)

Tuesday, Nov. 3

V, 8 p.m. (ABC)

Saturday, Nov. 7

Legend of the Seeker (syndication)
The Wanda Sykes Show, 11 p.m. (Fox)



Blair and I are excited.