Stop Staring at that Box, You'll Ruin Your Eyes

Have we discussed Pretty Little Liars? I don’t think that we have. The point of shows like this is that they’re trial popcorn fun — the sort the throwaway fluff that makes you want to buy summer dresses and consider getting a blowout, but don’t do much more. But this one’s fun. It’s darker fare than usual summer (or ABC Family) programming and the actors (for the most part) are pretty good (although, I will admit that some are laughably atrocious.) And the premise — delightfully modern in its simplicity (teenage girls get snarky text message from a friend they thought was dead) — has enough punch to make you wonder what’s going to happen next week.

The story goes something like this: a group of five friends falls apart after one — the controlling, bitchy Queen Bee, Allison (A) — comes up missing. A year later they are brought back together when they begin receiving mysterious messages signed with the (newly discovered to be dead) girl. Threatening in tone and content, the messages warn the girls that all of their deepest, darkest secrets could be revealed. What’s truly genius about the concept is that it predicates upon the characters being teenagers. It’s perhaps the only time in a person’s life that the mere threat of revealing who they’ve been kissing, what their parents have been up to or whether or not they cheated on an exam is enough to make them scared of an enemy. I spend most of the episodes thinking to myself, “Why don’t these chicks just talk to each other? What would be so bad about revealing these secrets and eliminating the threat?” But then I remember that when you’re young, the revelation of who you are — your desires and actions — is as frightening as anything else. So who are our intrepid band of high-schoolers?

Aria: Played by Lucy Hale (Privileged) she’s the main protagonist. We’re supposed to believe that she has an independent streak because she used to have purple highlights in her hair and wears a lot of black lace shirts.

What A Has on Her: Last year Aria and A stumbled upon Aria’s dad making out with one of his students in a family Sedan. Thinking that she was protecting her family (and at the request of her father), Aria kept the secret the entire time — even as they packed up the whole troupe for a sabbatical in Iceland (yes, Iceland). After crossing A by unjustly not answering her texts, her family secret has been outted. The fallout is pretty devastating — but in subtly played ways — as the kids wrestle with the idea that mom and dad might not make it out of this mess.

Current Drama: Um, Aria is dating her teacher. This storyline almost makes me turn the show off every week, as it’s totally creepy and beyond unacceptable. He’s at least 22 and she’s 16. Sick. Gross. Ew. Also, A knows, so that should be interesting.

Emily: Played by Shay Mitchell (who was once on an episode of Degrassi!) she’s a hard-nosed athlete whose mother is religiously strict. She’s the most teenager-y in that she’s wrestling with the “Who am I?” question. She’s also totally pretty.

What A Has on Her: The new girl who moved into A’s old house seemed cool enough, so Emily made friends with her. But maybe she was a little too cool. The next thing Emily knew she was kissing her in a photobooth, breaking up with her boyfriend because of all of the confusion and grappling with the fact that if A has her way, the whole school will think she’s a lesbian.

Current Drama: There’s an entire side story about a blind girl named Jenna and her brother Toby that Emily is getting mixed up in. See, Emily is blind because of a little plan A cooked up that the girls went along with, but Toby got blamed. Now he’s back after a year in juvie and all of the girls are totally creeped out by his presence. Everyone except for Emily, who finds his quiet, brooding and accepting attitude comforting in her time of personal upheaval. Too bad she can’t tell her friends.

Spencer: Played by Troian Bellisario (who has the distinct honor of having guest starred on both JAG and NCIS), she looks a lot older than the other girl. A typical Tracey Flick-type, she lives in a big, rich house with her terrible, rich family and is expected to excel at everything. The inevitable breakdown should be fun to watch.

What A Has on Her: Feeling pressured to achieve at any cost, Spencer turned in one of her sister’s history papers as her own — and then won an award for it! She told the news to Daddy after he made her throw a tennis match in order to secure a client, but if officials find out, it could ruin her entire high school career.

Current Drama: Besides grappling with parental drama (she’s also mad at dad for getting her hot tennis partner fired from the country club) she’s also embroiled in a feud with her sister. See, big sis was engaged to a cute British guy until he kissed Spencer. It’s a pattern that seems to happen with all of this sister’s beaus and now the British guy keeps contacting Spencer and could tear her family even further apart.

Hanna: Played by Ashley Benson (Abby Deveraux on Days of Our Lives and Rebecca Romijn’s daughter on Eastwick) she’s probably my favorite character. She used to be a chubs but in an attempt to win her absentee father back and ascend the social ladder after the disappearance of A, she lost the weight and gained an attitude. She’s the Queen Bee now, but with a host of insecurities that flush her character out.

What A Has on Her: I mean, nothing really. Hanna seems to keep messing up but she also seems to keep getting caught. Anything that A might have outed is already public knowledge. It is sort of creepy that she has access to her home though, as evidenced by a lipstick message written on her mirror.

Current Drama: After her boyfriend refused to have sex with her, she crashed his car into a tree. Oops. So, she’s paying off the damages by working in his mother’s dental office. Nothing says, “I want to join the Abstinence Club with you, boyfriend” like donning scrubs and orthopedic shoes. While there, though, she discovers that Jenna (who is now wearing the same shade of lipstick found in Hanna’s house) is visiting a shrink--she may be getting in over her head. But her biggest problem is probably the cop who keeps sniffing around her trail, asking to know more about A. This guy can’t be good news.