I’m just... I’m trying to process whatever the hell happened on The Bachelorette last night. Surely, it was the best evidence of why we watch television, but I also think that it may be a sign of the coming apocalypse. Isn’t that what the Bible said? Locusts, plague, red moon, insanely addictive reality show shit-storm presented in a family-friendly medium. I think that’s what it said — Leviticus was basically all about The Bachelotette.
The episode starts off with a bang, when Chris Harrison tells Ali that he has something that he needs to talk to her about. What could it be?! Is she being charged with manslaughter for leaving Kermit up there on that mountain? Is Kermit being charged with moose-slaughter for carving Ali’s face into the sides of their still steaming carcasses? Did Roberto’s STD test come back positive and all of the fun of this show is going to be sucked slowly out of our dear Ali’s soul? No. Chris Harrison received a phone call today from one of the Bachelor’s GIRLFRIENDS confessing that she was in fact dating one of the stunning lads and that she had been speaking to him throughout the process. He said it just like that. No slow build, no sugar-coated wording. Just a sure, swift stroke of truth and the bandaid was gone.
The news isn’t over, though. The girlfriend would like to speak to Ali on the telephone. So, Chris Harrison goes over to the wall phone in their Turkish hotel room and I suddenly remember that some people have phones that plug into the wall. Phones with cords and giant buttons and receivers. I feel so young again. Chris Harrison dials the number — I wish it had been a rotary phone, that he would have turned the wheel back and forth and said in a Peter Faulkner voice, “Here’s the deal, ‘ya see? I got Ali Fedotowsky next to me and she needs the truth so stick it to her straight.”— but that didn’t happen. Instead, he dialed the numbers (beep*boop*beep*beep*boop) and waited for an unusual amount of rings for someone to pick up. All the while Ali stands next to him, slack jawed and aghast, her bottom lip suddenly even heavier than it usually is. When the voice on the other end finally picks up, meek and mellow, it’s one of her former Bachelor castmates. They chit-chat about how the experience must be crazy and how it’s nice to hear a familiar voice, but really Ali’s just thinking that this bitch needs to get the show on the road.
What comes next is a strange sort of admission. This girl knows that one of the guys has a girlfriend and she knows this because she’s sitting with the girlfriend. She tells us it’s Justin, but we already know that because of her insanely annoying Canadian accent and the establishing shot of her house that said she was in Toronto. What’s the deal, ABC? Couldn’t spring for the good cameras to go all the way up to Canadaland? Ali begins to tense up when her contestant friend hands the phone over the girlfriend, and so do I. She looks like some kind of a terrifying version of a New Jersey porn star — like Danielle Staub and Amy Winehouse had a crazy night with a horse and nine months later this little lady popped out, all teeth and apologetic TV crying.
So then the chick vomits out the whole sob story of what happened. She and Justin have been dating for about two years, she knew that he was doing the show, she encouraged him to go on it because it would be a foot in the door into the entertainment industry for him. He told her that his goal was to make the top three, because then everyone knows who you are — Justin, honey, no one really cares about The Bachelorette — but then it all changed. About two weeks after his leaving, Horseface found out that Justin had ANOTHER girlfriend, one that he had been dating for a few months. She’s telling Ali all of this because she knows now that things are getting serious and that it’s not fair for her to get too far into the lie. That’s a big steaming pile of dogshit — I think that there are other reasons for her finally squawking — maybe the two of them planned to drop the bomb at some point, thinking that he might be going home anyway (it certainly seems fishy that someone previously associated with the show was somehow in on the whole ruse). At any rate, Ali was not in on it and she seems to be out for blood. She begins barking demands at poor Chris Harrison: Where is Justin? Do the other men know? Why couldn’t the weatherman have predicted this storm? BRING ME THEIR HEADS!!!! No wire hangers!!!
I don’t know about you guys, but I like this Ali. She seems rejuvenated and a little unhinged and it’s just always great to be able to see people realistically reacting to nonsense on reality shows. She goes stomping down the hotel hallway, out for vengeance with poor, sweet Chris Harrison tagging alone after her. She knocks on the boys’ suite and Lawyer guy answers the door, surprised at the presence of Chris Harrison. My boyfriend comments that this show would be much different if it were Chris Hanson and I chuckle to myself.
So, here it is. Ali gathers all of the guys together and right there, in front of everyone, starts in on a tirade so full of sassy teenage venom I felt like I was being infused with bitch energy just by watching. She begins, "You know I know that this process has been hard for everyone — especially for you, Justin, since you have a girlfriend." BAM! Justin just sits there, sort of dumbfounded, and replies with the exhaustively insipid, "Really?" while a Grinch-like half-smirk creeps across his face. This dude is so horrifyingly mean that he's actually getting pleasure out of embarrassing this girl on national TV.
But satisfaction aside, it's all too much for Rated X, so he hobbles back and forth through the hallway, literally running through the rooms like a little child. He grabs his passport and his wallet because "that's all he needs" and Roberto takes this opportunity to comfort Ali by creepily rubbing her thigh. If ever there was an appropriate time for a televised inner thigh rub, it was probably this moment. Ali excuses herself to go talk to Rated X and he just hobbles down the hallway, running away from her. A few P.A.'s scuttle out of the camera shot and the chase goes all the way down to the courtyard of the hotel. I really want this whole thing to be sped up and infused with old timey video grain and Busby Berkeley chase music. All the while, the rest of the guys watch the fiasco from the window of the hotel room. Boy, is this good television.
The scene below is comically futile for poor Rated X. He keeps running away from Ali and she keeps catching up with him, like some kind of speed-resistant slasher flick serial killer. He tries futilely to gain entrance to the hotel restaurant, but some small Turkish waiter holds the doors closed and wags his finger "No. No falafel for you." This gives Ali enough time to catch up to him and attempt the injustice of touching his shirt. "DON'T TOUCH ME!," he bellows, and suddenly you're seeing the facade of family-loving Justin drop and some sort of mean, Canadian monster come out. He walks through some planters and over a waterfall with his boot — like, seriously hobbles his broken ass over a water installation just to get away from the crumbling mess of his master plan.
When he finally returns, no doubt prodded by producers, he's full of excuses. He has strong feelings for Horseface, but who could tell if it was love. He NEVER contacted her, but the montage of phone messages he left while on the show — played over him hobbling away from the hotel — tells a different story. I really can't recall a reality program so shamelessly belittling someone appearing on the show. I could watch this all day long.
The rest of the episode happens, and frankly, it's all pretty boring compared to this mess. Ali has one-on-ones with cowboy Ty (whose face is just a little off) and Frank (whose trepidation about the process is probably exactly how most normal people would react to having to watch a girl they're dating make out with a bunch of other dudes), but in the end the Lawyer, the only guy I would actually date on this show, has to go. Because he's a nice guy with average looks and that's just not enough for our fair Ali. As she told Rated X, she's here to find her husband. She's serious about it. As serious as a Roberto inner thigh rub.
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