Stop Staring at that Box, You'll Ruin Your Eyes

Man, The City is really trying to set Whitney Port up to be a villain at the end of this season. Why would you make your main character unlikeable? Why, to show her as a phoenix rising from the ashes next season, of course. I can’t wait ‘til she crashes and burns outside of a club in SoHo, ranting about her Whitney Eve lace leggings to anyone who will listen and flipping Roxy the bird. Then she can apologize to everyone about how she lost her way in the big city of New York and just wants to go back — back to being a sweet unaffected girl from California, back to being to kind of person who sounded strange uttering the word “bitch.” It’ll all be so Rachel Getting Married.

In the meantime, she has to self-destruct first. After last week’s episode where she yelled at Roxy for not getting the multi-platinum band Lights to wear a floral mini-dress, she’s still angry. You can tell because she’s not talking to Roxy while they both “work” at People’s Revolution (I spot Kell on Earth actual employees in the background!) She takes the opportunity to tell Kelly that although Roxy is a totally inept cuntbag (I’m summing things up here) she went to a jewelry showing to “get inspired” and lo and behold Erin from Elle was there with her own camera crew in tow. How weird! She told her about a shoot for Ashley Greene that they’re doing and asked if she had any black dresses that they might be able to use. Why, of course she has black dresses! She didn’t in her first collection but she’s learned since then. Every collection needs black because it goes with everything and high class fashion bitches in New York loooooove black.

So, Whitney’s all on her high horse about the failure of Roxy and how awesome she is at networking with people who MTV has scripted her to network with and Kelly Cutrone, seeing the dramz, says the girls, “Hey ladies! I see that there’s some bad blood over something that totally doesn’t matter in the long run but I need you both to attend this benefit for AIDS. It’s a fashion benefit for AIDS so there will be lots of power gays there and skinny bitches in black and a runway show full of insane hats so I’m going to need you to sit in the front row and represent."


And hats there were. All sorts of hats with flowers and sequins and wizamagoos. Hats to fight AIDS! What a gloriously stupid concept! But it’s all very important. So important that Whitney and Roxy getting into a mini fight about Roxy going to look at apartments is a total social snafu!

See, earlier Roxy (having been told by Whitney that she thinks it would be a good idea for her to move out) went to look at an apartment. It was perfect! It had a fireplace and a bedroom and over 700 square feet! And it was only $4,000/month! She went out to eat with her Dad to ask him to fork over some money for the place and he said, “No, sweetie. That’s waaaaaay too much money for me to be giving you. I mean, are you aware that that’s $48,000 a year. That’s more than Helen Cooper even earns. Seriously.” It’s a hard knock life for a big time Hollywood producer’s daughter.

Roxy ends up moving out and going to stay with gap-toothed friend whose name I can never remember and Whitney looks out the window whistfully, wondering how she’s going to foot the bill on her own $6,000/month apartment without the help of Roxy’s dad. New York City tears people apart!

Meanwhile in the Elle world, Olivia is being a bitch. I know you’re surprised. The Ashley Greene photo shoot is taking place and Joe Zee really wants to get one of Whitney’s pieces into the magazine but Olivia is having none of it. When she looks at the black skirt and black dress and shiny jacket she sees nothing but a big pile of dog doo doo. She’s a fashion guru and she can’t make dog doo doo go with Ballenciaga.

Luckily she’s going to Japan for a “work trip.” She’s going to interview people and check in at the Elle Japan office, so it’s really worth her leaving. Erin is happy to be rid of her for a few days and so am I. I can’t take much more of her law-jaw effected accent. Bon Voyage, Olivia! I hope you get lost and never come back!