True Blood Spoilers

True Blood's Season 3 won't return until next summer, but we can still bring you the scoop on what's happening when the HBO series returns. "It's a crazy season," executive producer Alan Ball tells TVGuide.com. "It picks up right where we left off and things get weird really fast."

As Ball already spilled, someone is going to die and we'll be pretty happy about it. Find out what else he teases, including the juicy relationship between Eric (Alexander Skarsgård) and Sookie (Anna Paquin), and the addition of some new characters. Also, get a few extra tidbits from your favorite shaggy dog, star Sam Trammell.

Who's coming back? "The Queen is coming back," Ball reveals. "Godric is coming back for an appearance, a flashback. There's some new vampires in town, there are some werewolves. We do have a lot of werewolves coming in, male and female, but we haven't started casting for the show yet."

Sookie and Eric: Sookie's been seeing visions of her and Eric getting — ahem — friendly. Will their romance actually progress, not just in her head? "I can definitely tell you [we'll see that] in the show. I don't know if it will necessarily be in Season 3. Of course they're going to come together, it's fated. It's not something that's going to happen right off the bat."

Theme of Season 3: "It seems to be that it's about really embracing one's identity," Ball tells us. "Season 2 was more about how religions can make people do things that maybe they wouldn't do otherwise; it gives them the freedom to do things. This season is a lot about what it means to be who you are, or what you are."

Sookie's background: "Sookie still doesn't know exactly what she is. She will get closer to figuring out why she has these random powers that show up when they do," says Ball. (Spoiler alert: In the books, Sookie discovers she has fairy blood running in her.) "She is definitely part of a different race," adds Ball. "In terms of fairies, like perky fairies with wings, like Tinkerbell, no, they're not like that. If it is fairies, they're fierce. They're not pretty, soft, glamorous, gossamery things. They're really, really, really powerful and primal creatures.

Sam's real family: "There's some new shape-shifters who may be Sam's biological family," teases Ball. Adds Trammell, "As I understand it, I'm going to be trying to find my biological family, who put me up for adoption or abandoned me. I have a feeling they're going to be very creepy, sketchy, weird, shape-shiftery weirdos. They're going to be bad news."

Sam's love life: "Can he ever trust a woman again? I don't know if he can, so he may have to just turn into an animal, stay an animal and seek love that way," jokes Trammell. "I hope he does, in all seriousness, but it could take a season or two for him to build up that confidence again."

True Blood's much anticipated season finale has come and gone and it was...well...underwhelming. After a season that had kidnapping, vampire suicide, an Eric/Sookie sex-scene, countless orgies, Lafayette in chains and a near vampire-human war, the hopes were high for an awesome season finale. But, I guess after all of that the writers had run out of creative juices.

Maryanne had captured Sookie, and revealed her intentions to have Sookie serve as a bridesmaid in her impending wedding. "To whom?", you may ask. Well, to The God That Comes, of course. And that crazy egg we were all wondering about? It was just an ostrich egg. Lame. Honestly, the best part of the whole first half of the episode was Lafayette in a bridesmaid dress.

Andy and Jason came into Maryanne's guns blazing hoping to take over but they were soon overtaken by the black liquid eyes. The bad news? We had to watch Jason make out with a fat old lady. The good news? The writers didn't cop out. I mean, it was cool that they tried, but did anyone really think that dim-witted Jason and boozing Andy were going to make a difference.

Evan Rachael Wood made her second appearance as Queen Sophie. Does she look the part? Absolutely. Can she act? Hell naw! The never ending yatzee game bored me to death and the fact that she won't let Eric go is pissing me off. i

Bill saves the day, Sookie cries, Hoyt finally stands up to Mama and Maryanne dies. It all happens in the first half of the episode with no sort of exciting pacing to be seen. Where the heck are we going with the rest of the episode? The answer? No where really. Andy's freaking out for no reason about no one giving him credit. Sam is looking for his long lost real family...the sort of loose end that's good the start in the middle of a season but not savory enough to serve as a season ending cliffhanger. Hoyt goes to Jessica's to try and make things right but she's out feeding off of a trucker which was, frankly, the most interesting character twist in the episode. Jason shoots Eggs in the head because he's pointing the knife with which he had previously cut people's hearts out (stupid, stupid Sookie showed him his blackout periods). What will this mean to last season's teased Jason/Tara love story? The big cliffhanger was Bill being kidnapped. After proposing to Sookie who responded by crying and running out of the room, Bill is choked by a chain of silver by someone in fabulous black leather gloves. I'm guessing it wasn't OJ Simpson and the episode certainly led us to believe that it was Eric, who had previously promised Queen Sophie he would "take care of Bill". My guess is that a different bone was picked...one in the form of a pretty brunette maker.

NEEDS MOAR ERIC.

True Blood is a thinly veiled metaphor and Godric is Jesus. Or Martin Luther King Jr. Or the pacifist movement. Also, people ate human hearts in this episode. Ick nast.

Basically, here's what happened on the episode:

1. Eric came to save Godric. Godric was all hot and young looking and kinda sad and I totes would have had a crush on him in high school. The Fellowship is about to sacrifice Eric when Bill finally comes to Sookie's rescue (having used the power of television to dispense his creepy maker). He's remiss to do anything since Guy Smiley Preacher Dude threatens to kill Sookie if he comes any closer. Luckily, Jason goes all Rambo on anyone's ass who talks crap about Sookie. This time, that someone happened to be his former lover Barbie Doll. Sign, no more handjobs. Now it's all paintball guns and face punches. Jason stealthily infiltrates the church and shoots Guy Smiley in the hand, then face, with the paintball gun. Bam! Bitch went down! Bam, Jason, super bitch! Sookie removes the silver chains from Eric, planting the seeds for an Eric/Sookie storyline and the cowboy vampires enter the church.

Right before they kill everyone, Godric shows up. He's all in white and hovering above the congregation looking like an angel or some shit and starts talking about the advanced vampire who doesn't just murder humans. The vampires stand down and the humans look like terrible background actors. Later they have a big vampire party at a Frank Lloyd Wright house in Texas and Sookie and Jason are invited. Lorena shows up and she and Sookie get into a bitch fight. I hate them both and I wish at that moment that they both would have gotten killed by Eric.

The best part of the party scene was when Eric interacted with Jason. Then he smiled. Oh, Eric. Why are you the best part of this show.

2. Back in Bon Temps, Jessica and Hoyt realize that she will always be a virgin. That sucks.

Maryann attempts to set Sam up as a murderer when she drops Crappy Waitress' heartless body off in his freezer than calls the cops. Tara and Eggs attempt to fill in the holes in their memory but are soon distracted by devouring the human heart pie Maryann has cooked up for them. For real. It was gross. I'm tired of this Maryann BS. Needs more Lafayette.

3. At the end of this episode, Ken Doll for Jesus enters the party with what appears to be a silver bomb strapped to his chest. Oh, noes! Puppy Sam would not be happy about this.

True Blood Post

True Blood. Where else on television am I supposed to get my fix of an encroaching vampire world war. And do not even tell me Twilight. I will kick you in your small penis. That's offensive for whoever reads it. Ha!

Sam is in danger. He's been tricked by the evil woman and terrible waitress Daphne into attending one of Mary Ann's orgies. This time it's out in the middle of a clearing. Now, I don't know that much about the insect situation going on in Louisiana but I sure as heck wouldn't be rolling around in the grass all naked, riding my co-worker like there's no tomorrow. If for no other reason than the bugs. Mary Ann's getting all bull ready and pulling out a giant knife ready to sacrifice Sam and there's nothing that I can do about it! I'm not sure what my affection towards Sam is but I'm fairly certain it has something to do with his default shape shift into a dog and the fact that this might make him the ideal boyfriend. He even begs Tara for help but she's all black-eyed and trance-like having smoked a little too much weed and wandered into the meadow orgy.

Luckily Andy's there, screaming "Piiiiiiig!" like there's no tomorrow. He stumbles upon the orgy too and even though there are naked people everywhere he's dead set on finding the pig. Something tells me somebody really likes bacon. Or pork. Or sausage. Not really sure whether or not to make a cop or gay joke here so I'll just make a Beggin Strips one. "Baaaaaacon, bacon, bacon, bacon." He shoots his gun, Sam runs, Mary Ann follows and some sort of half-trance ensues. I can only assume that this is the transitional state which hones the trance victims back to their beginning spot. At any rate, they still like to break arms while in-betweensies and Terry lays some whoop ass on Andy and it's so sad to see him weeping on the ground.

Mary Ann chases after Sam with her bull head (which is fake) and her claws (which are real?) but Sam turns into Hedwig and flies away to deliver Harry a letter at Privett Drive. Later Tara and Eggs can't recall where they've been and account for the missing night by telling themselves that they smoked too much. Idiots. Tara seems to have half a brain in her head when she questions Eggs about his previous lack of memory when it comes to the bloody sacrificial camp ground but soon drops it. Later Arlene also says that she blacked out the previous night (and date raped Terry...hilarious) and Tara is almost on the right track. At this rate she'll figure it all out in episode 765 and I'll have lost interest. But hey, Mary Ann just brought home a rabbit draning blood and she's cookin' some stew so get ready folks!

Best scene: Andy coming to Merlottes and calling Tara a "zombie bitch". You win, Andy. You win.

Sookie is stuck in the evil church with the vampire lover who turns out to be the mole. I don't really buy that she didn't read his mind in the first place or that he fooled a room of old ass vamps but I don's really care about Sookie. Bill does but he can't get away because his maker won't let him go. We're granted some more 1930's flashbacks where the maker's underwig hair is distractingly hanging out and I stop caring because Bill sucks. Sookie telepaths to Barry that she needs him to contact Bill but Eric hears and is all over saving Sookie. And poor, poor Barry. Something tells me that he's going to meet an untimely end. Probably at Bill's hand (or teeth) and Sookie and Bill will argue and then make up and we will see Anna Paquin's boobies once again. I don't really mind because seeing her boobies means not seeing her act and A is definitely better than B.

So just as creepy Drill Sargeant for Jesus is about to rape Sookie (in the name of the Lord) Eric and Godric save her. The internet is a flutter with how great Godric looks but I much preferred him in flashback. We'll see. Jason escapes the clutches of DSfJ after big dude talks crap about Sookie but gets hit by a paintball gun by preacher's wife. And he thought it was all handjobs and forgiveness. No, Jason Stackhouse. The Church is about reckoning too.

True Blood Post

This week's True Blood posed a few questions but answered a whole lot more. Here's what we know:

Maryann the Maenad...Does that include Minotaur?

As suspected, Maryann, the bane of Sam and the would-be rescuer of Tara, is very closely related to the bull thing rampaging the women folk of Bon Temps. In fact, she is the bull thing. In an interview with TVGuide, Maryann's portrayer Michelle Forbes said that Maryann is a maenad. After some handy-dandy Wikipedia research I've learned that I was also right on another count: Maryann has been around a long, long time---like, Dionysus old. The maenad were female followers of Dionysus (the greek god of wine and revelry) whose debauchery often turned violent with head ripping and body mutilation taking place between the wine and orgies. Sounds like our dear Maryann but where exactly does the bull head come in?

Eggs Over Easy

Tara and Eggs finally did the nasty is the most romantic of settings: on Sookie's dead grandmother's bed while an orgy where people were eating dirt and breaking bottles over one another's heads and smashing cake raged on. The real question is: how does this fit into Maryann's plan? What exactly is that plan? What exactly is Benedict?



Lafayette Back in Humping Form

Tara finally found out about Lafayette's last two weeks from hell and came over to her beloved cousin's house on her birthday to demand that the man not seeking medical attention for his gunshot wound pay attention to her. Lafayette casually threw around words like bitch and skank before he tossed her out of the hosue to settle in for a nap covered in a croched throw blanket. Of all people--err, vampires--Eric shows up at his house. He tells Lafayette that his wound is infected and he will surely die if not treated. Then, the badest vampire of all, offers his own curing blood for Lafayette's personal use. Hmm...what could the ulterior motives here be? Eric says that Sookie interests him and that what is of interest to Sookie is also interesting by-proxy. Not sure if I'm buying this. Either way, we got a celebration dance/humping of the chair out of Lafayette.

Hot For Preacher's Wife

Am I the only one who's finding Jason Stackhouse's storyline a bit tired. I get it. They're religious zealots. I get it. They love guns and hate vampires and wear pleated khaki. And Sookie is going to come right up against her brother and there will be a huge showdown that will most likely be impacted by the more probable hook-up between newly befuddled Jason and the lonely preacher's wife. The set up is just a little trying for me.

Dallas Or Bust

Sookie, Bill and Jessica (who is missing precious quality time with Hoyt) take a trip to Dallas to try and investigate the disappearance of the sherrif of that region. Eric is concerned beyond reason (what's with all of the Eric caring about others routine lately?) and Sookie's telepathy is going to come in handy. When the plane lands, Sookie is almost kidnapped by a man that the Fellowship of the Sun hired. The best part of this interaction, honestly, is teenaged Jessica practicing glamoring on the balding would-be kidnapper. The teenager is played to perfection as her precociousness and bemusement at the sake of others' embarrassment comes to the forefront. The question remains though: if the Fellowship is behind the kidnapping, how did they orchestrate the deed? Godric is a more powerful vampire than any we know. Are they in danger too? And if someone knew that Sookie and Bill were coming, who tipped them off?

Stupid Sam
Let me count the ways (of Sam's stupidity):

1. Sam is skinny dipping with Daphne. Although Daphne is a terrible waitress and a little daft (qualities which I happen to abhor), she's hot. And naked. So when she asks Sam to come get pancakes with her, he probably should have agreed to the pancakes.

2. When Daphne exits the water, Sam can clearly see the three foot long trio of scratches running down her back. I dunno, my first reaction would be, shit! What the hell happened to your back?! Let's tell scar horror stories by a fireplace just like Riggs in Lethal Weapon.

3. While at Tara's birthday party, orgy ensuing around them. Daphne whispers in Sam's ear all creppy-like that she "knows what he is". He them simply follows her outside. Alone. In the dark. I'm sorry, HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW I'M A SHAPESHIFTING DOG???

Brainreading Bellhop

The cliff-hanger in this episode was that Sookie finally met another mind reader. In an adorably paced scene, after Jessica orders a young, cute Type B for room service (the vampire details are still quite fun), Sookie reads the bellhop's mind. And he reads hers back. Hmmm....the plot thickens.

This post brought to you by "Nobody needed any towels!!!"

For Better or Worse

With summer leaving a major lull in scripted programming, I thought I'd make some fun little lists to fill the time. I must confess, I'm also totally influenced by holing up in my New Jersey love nest with my very own Desmond. So, here goes---the best, and worst, T.V. couples. (Couples had to exist on a show that was currently on the air, currently be a couple--or on and off so frequently that they might presumably be on again next week--and only one couple from each show was allowed in each category. This was good for Grey's which would have had alot of bad couples and bad for FNL whose couples are full of win.)

Best:

Desmond and Penny (Lost)

The boob tube's thematic juggernaut uses this couple as its biggest chess piece when it comes to the issue of destiny. Penny, an heiress with a heart of gold, falls for the charming boy from the wrong side of the tracks. Although, dear old dad, the United kingdom military, a magical island and the space-time continuum try to keep them apart, these two find a way to be together. And create beautiful children by the way. Desmond's devotion to their love is the only thing that makes waiting ten years for a phone call make sense.

These two are the most despicable, vapid and self-congratulatory couple on television. Alone they are a spoon-fed megalomaniac and empty faith spewing bimbo respectively. Together they are everything that is wrong with youth and entertainment in this day and age. Spencer is frighteningly close to descriptions of controlling abusive boyfriend/managers and Heidi is ready at any moment to throw her loved ones and self-respect under the bus to appease the beast. They're just the worst.

True Blood

What the heck is going on in True Blood. There is some kind of a minotaur running around scratching people's backs and that rich lady is throwing hedonism parties and vampire Eric is camping out outside of Lafayette's house.

There are only a few things that I have figured out:

1. Whatever that bull thing is killed that witch doctor in the first episode.

2. That rich lady has been around a long ass time. Longer than any of the vampires we know. I'd say Greco-Roman times based on her style of hair/dress and her decorating style.

Things I'm speculating about:

1. Either rich lady or the kid she's trying to fix Tara up with are the Minotaur. Maybe he's the monster and she needs to breed him every thousand years or so. Maybe she is and it's feeding time. Either way, if the scratch marks on Sookie's back really were a kill strategy like the kimodo dragon, how did that crappy waitress live to have them healed. Did she turn into one of them? Is she going to kill nice bartender/dog guy???

2. That bull thing has to be what took/killed that other Sheriff right? Or maybe the crazy Christians did.

3. Christian fundamentalist lady is about to get it on with Sookie's brother. All that talk about her pudding last night was hilarious.

And without further ado, Lafayette and Eric being the HBIC's.

New Obsession...

Grant has extra special movie tiers on his cable and subsequently, I get to enjoy cable T.V. shows. There are a few differences between cable and broadcast T.V. The first is creative scope, on cable network execs feel like they can greenlight much more adventurous programming. The second is boobs, just gratuitous boobs all over the place.

Well, I've fallen in love with True Blood.

Based on the literature of Charlaine Harris, Alan Ball (Six Feet Under) has constructed a succulent world situated in the Southern town of Bon Temps, Louisiana where the societal divide between Vampire and Humans takes shape in the lives of members of both communities. The beauty of the show is that we get to hear both sides of the story. Ball and his team of writers were sure to consciously create a narrative style which highlights the intentions and actions of many characters as opposed to the singular POV that the books had provided. The program is one part character study, one part biting social commentary. And oh yeah, one part freaking vampires biting people and shit.

What I like best is the inhumanity of both worlds. It would have been easy for the story to have focused on the integration of Vampires into Human society (Japanese scientists have recently developed synthetic blood making it possible for Vampires to exist without, you know, killing some fools), but where's the drama in that? Bell went the Malcolm X route and ignored all of that boring pacifism junk. The vampires that we see, for the most part, are violent and hungry---not for some lame synthetic blood but for the rush of human blood. And the thrill that killing one gets you.

There are, of course, "good" vampires, represented in the form of 173 year old Bill Compton whose heroic demeanor and determination not to kill humans capture the heart of cleavage-loving, mind-reading waitress Sookie Stackhouse. It's a May/December love story in the best kind of way.

Not of that tickles your fancy? Well, what if I told you that Lafayette---the webcam dancing, fabulously gay, killin' it in a turban human---is in huge trouble with the Vampire community for dealing "V" a drug made from vampire blood that gets you totally high? Or that Sookie's brother, who totally got hooked on V from Lafayette now feels guilty about the death of his junkie girlfriend and wants to make reparations by joining Fellowship of the Sun Church where they practice pseudo fire-and-brimstone Christianity that also happens to preach anti-vampire propaganda like "no special rights for dead people"? Or that bar owning Sam is a shapeshifter who commonly takes the shape of doggies? They are some really cute doggies.