NYC Prep Recap

NYC Prep returned this week with another exciting installment of "Rich People Suck". Sebastian continued to toy with the hearts of young, emotionally fragile girls. PC tried desperately to adhere to his straight-rich-affected-superior-youth act. Jesse gave us a glimpse into her future as an almost attractive, almost loved, almost important human being existing in Florida. And Camille was worthless and desperate as usual.

First off...

Sebastian, attractive because his hair resembles Lief Garret's and his attitude reminds us of that ex who gave us herpies when he cheated on us with that waitress with acrylic nails, can totally see himself falling for Taylor. Everytime he's with her she just gets cuter and cuter. You can tell he likes her because he goes all the way out to the Hamptons to visit Kelli. Yes, you read that right. He's still seeing both girls. At this point my English degree is begging me to compare Taylor to Marianne in Sense and Sensibility and Sebastian to that money-driven corrupter Mr. Dashwood but I don't know if the show that will later bring me the image of closeted PC humping a rainbow care bear as a pre-teen merits this kind of comparison. Anyway, it's obvious to the viewer that Sebastian wants the best of both worlds and that he's simply keeping Kelli on a leash because she makes sense as a partner for him. It's only a little heart piercing to watch as Kelli opens her heart and her home to Sebastian, afire with hope that he will love her more than the floors of marble and bathrooms with badays and little yippy dog ever could. But he doesn't. And then the poor dog dies and Kelli is left weeping in the cold wind at the dog cemetary with only the Spanish speaking help to pick up after her breaking heart. Seriously, I think the best part of the episode was when Kelli's botoxed mother, unable to emote herself, asks the maid if she wants to say something at the funeral, "Habla?!" Oh, white people. You are the stuff that starts Marxist revolutions.

After playing an awkward and unfulfilling games of pool with Kelli, Sebastian ventures back into the city to reunite with his one true love, Taylor. Taylor, who looks so 15 that it makes me feel all queasy inside just thinking about the things that she will do to Sebastian in order to feel like she's escaped her awful Upper West Side hell, is charming and witty as she regales the dashing Sebastian with tales of her exciting life and parables she's come to learn first hand. No--that doesn't happen. The interaction between the two is stilted and pithy as ever and you're left to wonder whether substanitive conversation takes place on their BBMs. And then you're left to feel ashamed that you're thinking about what a pair of terrible teenagers BBM each other. And that you're using the term BBM. Taylor asks Sebastian the mood-killer, "What are we?", and Sebastian's rusty head wheels turn as he thinks of what he can say to ensure a blowjob from both Taylor and his gaggle of girls on the side. He gives her no assurance that they are in a relationship and that's a-okay with Taylor, because she's got a hole in her heart that can only be filled with empty promises and being second-fiddle to the real wife who's actually in the will. The future does not look bright for squatty little Taylor.

So, she seeks the counsel of the wise and intuitive Camille whose advice has never steered anyone wrong. That sentence was, in fact, a complete lie. Camille, whose crazy eyes are especially ablaze tonight with the fire of vicarous romances and social deceit, suggests that Taylor, her ex, Sebastian and Kelli go on a date. She ensures that she's good at gossip and getting the deets and I'm sure that she actually believes that but having watches easily twenty minute of consecutive footage involving her, I know that that's not true. Camille's interrogation technique is more sledgehammer than chisel and the result is usually incredulity and disdain. That's the thing about Camille, though. She isn't merely playing the part of an over-acheiving Tracey Flick neurotic mess. She is actually bat-shit. Or she has Asbergers. Either way, her attempts to embody Blair Waldorff fail miserably. She's not pretty enough to be wanted by boys. She's not charming enough to be adored by girls. Her grades and test scores are hard won and the hours that she's poured into them has made her haggard and empty--too blue collar to be admired. Despite her attempts to climb and manipulate the social strata she has failed on all counts. The situation gets its best evidence when Camille cleans out her closet.

Unable to tackle the monumental task of deciding which clothes she ought to keep and which she out to "throw away" (I hope for the sake of my sanity that the clothes were not actually thrown away), mommy and daddy hire a stylist to choose for her. Well, Camille butts heads with the stylist. You see, the stylist wants to chuck stuff either because it is out of season (no socialista would be caught dead in a pattern recognizable from two seasons ago) or doesn't fit her style (which is a nice way of saying that Camille has no style, and choosing one for her so as to present some sort of cohesion in her mish-mashed teenage trend whore closet). Having none of that, Camille states that she, "doesn't care that it's from two seasons ago" and seeks to prove her point by assembling a disaster of an outfit featuring, get ready for it, animal print. The stylist goes along with it because she wants to get paid and Camille feels the same false sense of victory that she does every other day of her life. It makes me almost sad that Taylor has to be stuck in her still having food on the table tax bracket because she at least truly has the skills to excell in this Upper East Side world. Camille, poor Camille, does not.

Speaking of Taylor, she has a big important gymnastics meet. Her first in fact. She's even more nervous and awkward than usual and watching her bite her nails and hide her stomach in her leotard drudges up long repressed memories of my own. Memories of chin zits on picture day and never getting asked to dance. But I soldier on, muster enough strength to get through an exhaustible scene where her valient ex-boyfriend shows up to her meet supportive and Jewey and oblivious. He takes her to a vegan restaurant where Taylor, with the meta-cognitive skills of a grad student notes that she feels drawn to Ex because he does nice things for her like take her to a restaurant where she can actually eat the food. She makes Ex give her a laundry list of reasons why he's good for her, rejects them all and when asked the mood-killing question, "What are we?" the ever apt pupil simply ricochets the question, batting her eyelashes and ensuring a blowjob while also ensuring that she can give other blow jobs too. Well done, young grasshoppah.

The meat of the episode comes when we visit PC in Mexico. See, he's spending some quality time in Cancun visiting his old boarding school pal JP. I get the feeling that when they were twelve they bonded over having money and liking boobs and giving each other hand jobs. Except that PC never really liked boobs and he still thinks about those hand jobs and he changed his name from Peter to PC in order to keep the love in his heart alive for his one true love. PC doesn't like Cancun. It's dirty and trashy and, dare I say, middle-American. When some mexican girls attempt to get him to dance, at a dance club, he rejects their advances. When some Texan girls try to get him to dance, at a dance club, he rejects their advances. When a waiter dares commit the injustice of asking him whether he wants a jaeger bomb, he declares that only people in Jersey drink jaeger bombs. He will stick to his Heinekin Light, thank you very much. In a moment of pure television genius, the waiter simply replies, "So, you don't want any jaeger bombs?" See, PC is only happy when he's lounging on the beach next to JP. Or when he's sitting in a booth next to JP. Or when his pouting and cock-clocking finally result in a tender reach around and ear whisper from JP. And like the scarf tossing gay that he is, PC has a homely beard whose love for him can never be filfilled.

Jessie, on vacation in South Beach with a friend that can only be described as even less attractive than she is, calls and calls PC and smiles knowingly as she denies all feelings for her well-coiffed best friend. She knows in her heart of hearts that once PC stops his player ways and is looking to settle down he'll plant a giant ring on her finger and they'll walk down the aisle to her penthouse apartment and she'll supplant good sex and happiness for shopping sprees and botox party. And that nagging little feeling that reminds her that her hubby will probably be boinking the interior decorator is surpressed as she calls PC over and over and over again. Like a good beard does.

NYC Prep

In the newest installment on 'NYC Prep', awkward teenagers are awkward.

PC is on the hunt for a girl, not just a casual hook-up but real, live girl who he can talk to about clothes and money and how petty high school is. So he gets set up on a blind date by his friend (who is 25, what kind of a 25 year old is hanging out with some boy in high school???) and the girl doesn't show up. It's actually really sad watching consistently smug and conceited PC broken.

Meanwhile, Jessie's fat friend is having a birthday party. Everyone's invited and no one seems to be talking to birthday girl. It's kind of sad.

But I've gotten ahead of myself. See, Kelly is still desperately seeking Sebastian but he seems to have only eyes for Taylor. It's all pretty gross once you think about how young these girls are and the lengths that they'll go to to hook up with a skeezy, charmless cad. Did I mention charmless, because this kid is like a piece of cardboard.

As an aside, can we discuss Camille's, for lack of a better word, strangeness? Aside from the physical ticks that make me feel awkward just watching, there is an uncomfortable desperation about her. Everyone is sort of desperate on this show. Desperate to be witty and charming and important just like Mommy and Daddy or those people on that Gossip Girl show they pretend so diligently not to watch. But Camille, oh Camille. She takes the cake. Camille, whose emotional fragility has made her almost transparent, looks to be the type of girl who you heard about finally exploding one night in high school after drinking five Mike's Hard Lemonades and having a sophomore with pock-faced skin throw up on her. Except Camille is disappointed in her nearly perfect SAT scores and she's got more money than she knows what to do with and no boys ever, ever, ever pay attention to her. Not even pock-faced sophomores. Oh, to be thrown up on. I predict that Camille will have a mental breakdown at some point this season. At some point in her life? She'll end up doing a line off of a toilet stall in Port Authority while trying to find her way back to the VIP booth at The Hawiian Tropic Bar.

In next week's episode: PC GETS CALLED OUT FOR BEING BISEXUAL. FOR REAL.

True Blood

What the heck is going on in True Blood. There is some kind of a minotaur running around scratching people's backs and that rich lady is throwing hedonism parties and vampire Eric is camping out outside of Lafayette's house.

There are only a few things that I have figured out:

1. Whatever that bull thing is killed that witch doctor in the first episode.

2. That rich lady has been around a long ass time. Longer than any of the vampires we know. I'd say Greco-Roman times based on her style of hair/dress and her decorating style.

Things I'm speculating about:

1. Either rich lady or the kid she's trying to fix Tara up with are the Minotaur. Maybe he's the monster and she needs to breed him every thousand years or so. Maybe she is and it's feeding time. Either way, if the scratch marks on Sookie's back really were a kill strategy like the kimodo dragon, how did that crappy waitress live to have them healed. Did she turn into one of them? Is she going to kill nice bartender/dog guy???

2. That bull thing has to be what took/killed that other Sheriff right? Or maybe the crazy Christians did.

3. Christian fundamentalist lady is about to get it on with Sookie's brother. All that talk about her pudding last night was hilarious.

And without further ado, Lafayette and Eric being the HBIC's.

The Real World: Cancun

Last season's series of The Real World was a return to early-90's form for the network that broke ground with their documentary series profiling twenty-somethings dealing with young adult issues such as AIDS, abortion, sexuality and race. This season, I see that MTV missed what the series had become in the late-90's--a cesspool of sex, binge-drinking and petty drama which highlights and glorifies all that is terrible about people my age. The Real World: Cancun.

Without further introduction, here is the cast...through my eyes:

Derek

According to his bio, Derek is the resident nice guy of the group. Read: boring. This isn't all too shocking given the fact that Derek is also gay. See, MTV will only allow gay cast members if they fit into three categories: 1) angry and violent 2)bitchy and dramatic 3)boring as all hell. In the first episode, Derek can be seen reading a book and staying far away from drama. How upsetting for MTV producers who chose Cancun as a location based solely on its potential for debauchery. Don't worry guys, it looks like at some point the roommates find Derek blacked out of a sidewalk somewhere. If you feed it enough booze it will do something stupid and bring you ratings. That's how that saying goes, right?

Jonna

It's girl with weird name! Ahhh, how Real World Casting peeps love weird names. Look at this girl. I mean, she's not totally fug but, is she the hottie of the house???? The boys seem to think so. Must be all of the slutty clothes, pounds of makeup and tattoos and piercings. It's like, boys are so stupid you can follow a formula to get them to want to sleep with you. Not have a relationship with you, but sleep with you plenty. I'm sure that won't be happening though because she has a boyfriend at home who she's totally committed to. I mean, she got a diamond implanted into her finger to serve as a promise piercing! That is both badass and means forever. Err-- maybe just until the second episode.

Joey

Joey claims that he wants to be playing stadiums where thousands of twelve-year-old girls are screaming his name and wearing his t-shirt. That's not quite as creepy as the manner in which he calculatingly documents the one night stand he has just enjoyed on his second night in the house. Joey's a future rock star. You know so because he's got tattoos and he's an asshole. Also, he probably has a drinking problem with just goes to show how responsible that casting office is. I'm sure it won't be a problem in Cancun, Mexico.

Jasmine

Jasmine is the kind of girl I want to like. She's also the kind of girl who walks into a room saying that she may be five feet tall and 95 pounds but not to mess with her. She seems nice and fun enough but with MTV's proclivity toward vilifying black women on this show and the fact that the house is chock full of bitches, I'm sure there's about to be a girlfight.

CJ

Oh, CJ. Did the casting directors find you in the NFL scouting report or picking up chicks at the local Phi Delt? In CJ's intro video he claims that coming out of college he was the fourth best punter in the nation, which is kind of like saying you're Beyonce's fourth favorite back-up dancer. Nobody cares. You're not a real football player. CJ had a girlfriend coming into the house but that soon ended after he cuddled with another girl. What was he supposed to do??? Sleep on one of the giant couches or plethora of unused beds in the house??? After dumping the girl back home on her ass, he asserts his new found freedom in the way that any masculine football player would. By getting his hair done. And asking everyone if it looks good.

Emilee

Note to parents: If you spell your daughter's name with an 'I' or 'E' where there ought to be a 'Y', you will raise an obnoxious twit with debilitatingly low self esteem. She may or may not work at Hooters. The first thing that comes out of Emilee's mouth is that she thinks she is Facebook friends with CJ. The second is that she doesn't go to school, she just works at Hooters. The hits just keep on coming from there as she becomes flustered with Joey about making fun of her because she works at Hooters (he never did that) and becomes flustered at CJ because she feels guilty about their impeding romance (it isn't going to happen). It seems that the pressure of not being the hot girl in the house (BUT I WORK AT HOOTERS!!!) is making Emilee a little delusional. Ah, the stuff that TV dreams are made of.

Bronne

Bronne, like the paper towel. He's supposed to be funny. Like Issac except that, um, he isn't really funny. He's loud and he certainly gesticulates wildly but if volume equals funny then some people ought to think Dane Cook is funny. Oh...they do?...my bad. I like Bronne actually. Why? Because after CJ spoons another girl all night long pissing his girlfriend off, Bronne calmly explains that it's normal for the girlfriend to have been pissed. Also, he totally made out with that chick's mom. That was not hot.

Ayiiia

There are a lot of vowels in this girl's name. And that's not even if you count the 'Y'. I guess she won a contest to be on the show. Thousands of people voted to have her be on the show and why not? Her bio claims that she is a former drug addict and cutter. That can only mean good things when she has to live with seven unbalanced people and a constant supply of booze. She seems cool I guess. Apparently there's going to be a fight next episode involving her. I bet the production staff never saw this coming.

Harper's Island Update

It's a wonder that I don't talk about this show more often because it's easily my favorite on T.V. right now. In the vacuous lull that is summer television, it's easy to forget that there is original content being broadcast on network television that isn't ridiculous reality television. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love ridiculous reality television. It's just nice to have a scripted drama to fall back on. And I hope that this one is doing well because the thirteen-week mini-series event is sort of the perfect solution for the awkward amount of time between the stop and start of T.V. season.

Since we last spoke about the ill-fated wedding party and native islanders, lots more blood has been shed and tons more clues to the mystery have been revealed.

So, the death toll?


Beth, the college best friend of Trish and bridesmaid was just found in pieces
in the underground tunnels beneath the hotel. Yet another reason not to venture off on your own when there's a killer on the loose.
Hunter, Trish's college ex was paid by dear old dad to try and break up the wedding. He was even paid a huge sum, which he promptly tried to take off of the island. Too bad his boat was rigged with a shotgun set to shoot him in the face. It was such a pretty mug too.

J.D., Henry's creepy, sadistic brother was accused of the murders and even locked up for the crimes. But when he escaped jail he ended up being the one killed. The groom, Henry, was found bloody next to his body with scratches on his arms and no recollection of what had happened. Sounds a little fishy to me.

Booth; After finding the boat full of money and Hunter's brains, the groomsmen decide that burying the money and sinking the boat is the best way to prevent incrimination. Booth draws the small straw and has to head out into the woods to dig a hole. Broke Malcolm finds him, scares him bad enough that Booth shoots himself and he bleeds out in the woods. Turns out that hole he dug was for himself.

Katherine Wellington died one of the most frustrating deaths yet. While waiting for the state police to arrive, everyone else spreads out like an idiot. Katherine stays put in the green room. Someone sneaks behind her with a pair of garden shears and stabs her in the back. I suppose that's what she gets for sleeping with her stepdaughter's husband.
Kelly's death was originally determined to be a suicide. The often depressed, tattooed girl was found hanging in her house and had never really gotten over her parents being murdered by Wakefield. But J.D. who had a thing for Kelly, and Abby, who had just invited her to stay with her back on the mainland suspected otherwise. They were right.
Lucy, the fellow rich girl, was one of Trish's bridesmaids. To be honest, she died so long ago and with such small fanfare that I can barely remember her. She fell into a hole somewhere in the forest but her annoying dog can still be found yapping around from time to time.

Maggie, the sweet and helpful caretaker at The Candlewick Inn, thought that she was exempt from Wakefield's madness. That was before she was hanging from a noose outside The Cannery. The best part is that she's still freaking hanging there.

Malcolm wanted to keep all that money Daddy gave to Hunter to bail himself out of debt. He got Booth killed in the process and after his buddies found out, he took the money down to the boiler to burn the evidence. Malcolm was the one who got pushed into the fire.



Richard, the kinky, father-in-law despising husband of Trish's sister Shea and father of Madison, was a prime suspect when Trish's dad was killed. He was absolved of the crime when he was found split in half and hanging on a tree by a whale spade.


Sheriff Mills is the estranged father of Abbie. He also was the main suspect in the murders---I mean, that attic full of Wakefield memorabilia and Madison claiming that he took her were pretty incriminating. Turns out the kid lied and Abbie had to watch as Wakefield hung another of her parents up to dry.
Thomas Wellington died what was arguably the coolest death in the show. As Abbie hit the lights at the wedding rehearsal the chandelier above the alter came crashing down and a whale spade split Wellington's cranium in half. In front of everyone.
Uncle Marty was the kind of sleazebag you like to have around if stuff goes down. So, it's unfortunate that he bit the dust so early. Cut in half after he fell through a bridge, his halves were then hung up in trees. How intricate.
Cousin Ben, who we never got to meet because he was tied up and sent hacking by the propeller of the boat on the way to the island.

So, who's left?


Bride and groom Trish and Henry, narrator Abby and main squeeze Jimmy, groomsmen Chris and Danny, bridesmaid Chloe and her English beau Cal, Trish's sister Shea and her daughter Madison, and islanders Nikki and Shane.

So, whodunnit?

Wakefield was revealed at the end of the last episode in the flesh, so we know that he is at least partially at fault. But he surely couldn't have done it all by himself. With the reveal of a mystery child by Wakefield and Abby's mother, my money's on Abby's long lost bro or sis being the culprit. My guesses? Islander Nikki or bridegroom Henry---what exactly happened to his parents anyhow?