Real World, Episode Dos

Episode 2 of The Real World:Cancun aired and it did not disappoint. I mean, if your definition of disappointment is feeling like your generation are doomed to become self-apologetic, depraved drones whose liver gives out only slightly before their collective brain matter turns to mush then count me disappointed. But, as you faithful readers know, I measure my happiness through reality show drama levels and not sociological generation trends, so I was exceedingly happy with this episode.

This episode is titled "Jerkface Joes and Romeos" proving that my career in copywriting hasn't taken off due to lack of talent in the stupid television show naming department.

CJ enters a hot body contest which is just about the third gayest thing that he's done so far. As he gyrates in the swirling bar lights, dog tags fluttering on his chiseled chest, one sound prevail above all of the others. It's Bronne's screams, and they are louder and more passionate than Bronne's former motherly conquest might feel comfortable with. Sure, desperate Emilee screamed. Gay Derek hollared. But Bronne, oh, Bronne looked like a beastilist in Tiujuana. I don't know, maybe he's just a supportive roommate.

Anywho, awash in the glow of Roofie Bar victory, CJ celebrates with his best bud in the way that any friends would celebrate--by telling each other how hot they are and how much, hypothetically, they'd hump the brains out of the other one. Followed by kisses. And hand-holding. And spooning. It's totes normal.

The roommates take a break from their...um...not entirely sure what it is they do beyond recouping from the night before...to find out what exactly their job is going to be. They're told that they're going to work for Student City (and we all know what that is since they've been sponsoring the get-drunk-in-a-different-location vacations for quite a few seasons now). Everyone's way excited until their boss tells them that they're not allowed to fraternize with the spring breakers (but, how is Joey supposed to fill his journal of conquests up?!) AND they're not allowed to be publicly intoxicated. The housemates react with desperation and incredulity which seems ridiculous until you step back and look at the concept of the show. MTV has actually managed to up the ante of the steadfast formula. Instead of sticking the developing alcoholics in a house brimming with booze, they stick the developing alcoholics in a house brimming with booze and tell them that if they're drunk in public they'll have to go home. Cleaver, really, given the amount of police charges filed against cast members in the past few years. It's probably much smarter to keep them in the house and drunk where there is no bartender at all to cut them off.

Time out for the funniest part of the episode. I must apologize at this time for saying that Bronne was not funny. He did something great in this episode. See, Jonna and CJ are spooning on the hammock, you know, like buds do, and she has to take a pause to call her boyfriend. So she gets up and Bronne decides that he'll put on one of her wigs and snuggle up next to CJ himself. It works until after wrapping his arm around him he gets up in his ear and says, "Mmmmm". Just like I do with my friends.

The happy couple--er--just friends, are then seen walking hand in hand while they shop for matching bracelets. It's almost cute when locals call them honeymooners until you see her talking to her boyfriend about how she's not crossing any lines and that she'll love him forever.
Here, the pair an be seen discussing how deep their friendship is and his personal virtues while he wears his cross necklace. My personal favorite romantic moment between the two was when CJ told her how great it was that as a black girl she had blue eyes. It's like all the delight of a minority with none of the mess of non-Caucasian features.

The real (taco) meat of the episode takes place after the roomies get super wasted and the tension between Ayiiia of Many Vowels and Joey of Strategically Placed Piercings comes to a head. See, Ayiiia doesn't like Joey because he's a mean boy and Joey doesn't like Ayiiia because she's "that kind" of girl. With these rock solid reasons, the two embark on a night of completely reasonable fighting. It goes something like this:

Phase 1: Ayiiia is super-wasted and asking about her purse or drink or brain that she's left behind. Joey's trying to find the last roommate because their ride is about to take off. Ayiiia starts screaming about her purse or drink or brain and Joey tells her to shut the fuck up.

Phase 2: While walking home, Ayiiia, shocked about Joey's rudeness starts screaming, "Herpies lip! At least I don't have a herpies on my lip! Herpies! Herpies! Herpies!" It's only the most mature way to deal with the situation. Also, completely founded.

Phase 3: Like a stealthy lion in the grass, Joey hunts down his pray. Finding them at their natural habitat, the local taco stand at 3 AM, he projectiles a lugie into their food source. How cunning of you rock star.
The best part of this picture, and the whole fight was watching the poor, unsuspecting taco stand guy observe as the whole shebang went down. Also, Jasmine's face in the background.

Phase 4: Back in the pent house, the girls are bitching like the girls I hated in high school. Joey, ever the improviser, tries to sooth the savage beasts with his acoustic punk pop stylings. He, of course, gets water thrown on his thousand dollar guitar. Tit for tat, just like the bible says.

Phase 5: Calm Derek tries to let the girls know that ruining an expensive prized possession kinda isn't the same as spitting in tacos. The girls tell him that he's wrong. Hmmm, I think maybe Ayiiia left her logic behind with her purse or drink or brain.

Later in the episode Jonna gets mad at CJ for trying to kiss her on the neck. It's totally different than cheek kissing. And spooning. She has a boyfriend, didn't she tell you that?

Joey actually mans up and feels like an asshole for his behavior so he apologizes to everyone involved, even commenting that while perhaps it was a bit out of hand, the retaliation part of ruining his guitar was warranted. Ayiiia, being the classy broad doesn't apologize at all and says that she's happy he realizes that he deserved it.

Next week on The Real World, girls hook up then fight. Children die in Somalia and Iran doesn't allow women to read.

Special thanks to my friend Ashley who said in a conversation this week, "Living in an all inclusive resort. It's just like the real world."