Teen Mom: Yay or Nay

I loved 16 and Pregnant.

I loved it not only because I love the Lifetime film of the same name with Kirsten Dunst in her most heart wrenching and overall'd role. I loved 16 and Pregnant because in an age when teenage girls are losing their virginity younger than ever, government programs and loud-mouthed Evangelicals are promulgating dangerous ideas about contraceptive use and teen-pregnancies are on the rise, the show gave MTV viewers (I don't have the exact stats here but I'm assuming that if TRL screaming crowds are any indication, that 15-20 and female is a pretty large cut of the demographic) a realistic look at what could happen if you give it up to Tommy from gym class and he made his pimply spawn grow inside of you.


I loved 16 and Pregnant.

Its follow-up, Teen Mom, is currently airing on the cabeler to astounding success. Its premiere was the highest rated in MTV history before the Jersey Shore juggernaut came along and it's been doing well ever since. So, am I going to show the same love for this show as I did the first?

Well, the answer is difficult. The show shares many of the same elements that I enjoyed so much in the first series. It is a stark, realistic look at the differing experiences of teenagers who get pregnant. I still appreciate the concern for realism with which the network is handling the situation. That celebrity pregnancies have glamorized having a baby is of no question. People in Middle America can't look like Heidi Klum or Nicole Richie three weeks after they pop a nine-pounder out because they don't have personal trainers, nutritionists or the benefit of tummy tucks following pre-scheduled Cesarean Sections. And, yes, that does happen. The business of birthing a baby is booming and if the aughts have taught us anything, it's that teenagers are a monstrous horde of consumers, ripe for the pop-culturally fuelled propaganda picking. So, seeing these formerly pert teens stay fat after baby or have trouble dating cute boys or having to watch as their friends get to be kids and they get to take care of them is a nice counter-point to the US Weekly element of it all.



But in that reality is the nasty documentation of kids caring for kids. What often psychologically accompanies teen pregnancies is anger, resentment and regret--perfectly reasonable emotions in the face of a volatile life event. But these emotions are rarely discussed and NEVER condoned in our society. It doesn't matter how many interviews Brooke Shields does about post-partum depression or how many times Jen Aniston says that she's not looking to have kids, women are seen as genetically predestined Mother Madonnas. Their maternal instincts are all-encompassing, ever-present and always, always, first priority. To deviate from this ideal is to become a threat to the very fabric of our culture--mothers are to be unfailingly Mothers or they are deemed a failure. As caregivers. As women. As people.

These girls are teenagers too, and as much as we give them all too lateral allowances and teach them to seek an independent voice and expect them to act as "young adults" they are biologically still children; children deal with emotions differently than us adult folk. So a feeling of despair, resentment or regret that might lead an adult to express their emotions in a constructive manner often lead teenagers to lash out erratically. In my day I nearly broke a door off its hinges by slamming it. "I hate you! I wish I were never born!" These outbursts were present in 16 and Pregnant, usually borne of one of my (admittedly) lesser-loved cast members, written off as immature or bratty. But they were always forgiven. Forgiven because these were kids after all, and the gravity of the situation was about the size of a fucking mountain on their shoulders, about the size that their bellies were growing to be. I gave them a pass but I gave it to them with expiration date. Nine months. They were allowed to be bratty and bullish and downright babies until their own came. Then, they were magically expected to learn how to juggle it all, to cast aside doubts and depression and to rise above the statistics. Shouldn't their maternal love and instincts alone push them to rise above it all? Don't we all expect this of our mothers?

In Teen Mom we see the nasty truth. We open the gift that we have been given with a perfectly tied bow and watch uncomfortably as real life unfolds before us. These girls are still girls. They are often petulant and selfish and they make the sorts of decisions that remind you of your own high school experience, embarrassing, ill informed, awkward. And that's all good and fine when I'm watching NYC Prep or Laguna Beach and the biggest consequence at hand is someone being cast aside from one private school only to be picked up by another. But now there are babies. And they're so perfect. As the couplings begin to disintegrate, the grammar school constructed communities abandon the girls, the slow and deep-setting realization that "the rest of your life" is at least in part spelled out before them, the juxtaposition of the unaffected, innocent children and their trial-by-fire weary parents (children as well) is a jarring--and saddening--reminder that maturity does not have a due date. Motherhood is not inherent. Sometimes reality television really is reality and perhaps, the lives affected positively by the program will never outweigh the documented sadness of these babies' earlier months, and the children who are raising them. Knowing that I control the replay button on my own less-than-forgiving childhood, and that I am the only one who can watch, is sometimes the most abundant solace I have.

So, is it all a wash? Is Teen Mom more potentially damaging than it is helpful? Is my own culturally imbued notion of femininity and motherhood clouding my entertainment value and ultimately, judgment of these girls? Perhaps. But perhaps this is but a temporary inhibition. Life's most frustrating and judgment-inducing situations often give rise to larger learning moments; the more we expose ourselves to humanity, in all of its facets, the more that we learn about each other and ourselves. Sure, I feel like punching these kids in the face sometimes for choosing going out over their kid one night or fighting with their baby daddy while the baby is in the room, but I'm also beginning to see their plight as people not instead of, not even as well as, but something akin to parallel to their roles as parents.

Take for instance Amber. Amber of my-boyfriend-bought-me-a-$20-engagement-ring-from-Walmart-and-then-purchased-his-fat-ass-a-Playstation3 fame was one of my least favorite segments on 16 and Pregnant. Whiney and curt, she was exactly the sort of teenaged girl who made me think to myself, "In order to punish me for the wrongs I have committed, God will surely smite me with the likes of a girl like this living in my household and looking vaguely like me." And since she's had the baby, she's still one of those girls. No miracle of motherly grace has been bestowed upon her. Amber’s storyline follows her struggle to obtain a GED (a heartbreaking scene in which she is informed that the train for High School Diploma Land has come and gone offers a heavy dose of the aforementioned reality), be a full-time stay-at-home Mom, repair her relationship with breadwinning but absent (and absent-minded) doof/baby-daddy Gary, and wrestle with severe depression.



That's right, folks. The girl done got depressed. In one scene that I would typically deem put-on and affected, the cameraman holds the shot as Amber and her baby gaze longingly out the window of their duplex rental, placing hand to glass in a feeble attempt to regain a piece of the outside world. Suddenly all temper tantrums are forgiven. All of the counter-productive negativity is washed away. Even the questionable fights she has had with Gary (in the presence of her child) are somehow less tantamount. Because in this moment she's a human being. And a woman. And a child. And a human. In this moment the reality of her roles, and her world, and my reinterpretation of them have converged to demonstrate the expansion of my own. In this moment I am making my own world bigger; hopefully that's a good enough end game for these kids.

All of These Things Look Exactly Like the Others?

It can't just be me, can it? Here's a little empirical evidence that these four brunette beauties look waaaaaay too much alike.

(from left: Leighton Meester, Minka Kelly, Mila Kunis, Rachel Bilson)

Television watchers should be familiar with all of these lovely ladies. Leighton is deliciously divalicious Blair on Gossip Girl, Minka plays sweet Lyla on Friday Night Lights, Mila ditzed the screens up as Jackie on That 70's Show and Rachel was Seth Cohen's main-squeeze Summer on The O.C. But starring on the small screen isn't the only thing that these chickies have in common. They all look like cousins. Or sisters. Or THE SAME FREAKING PERSON.

So much so, in fact, that Leighton and Minka are starring in a new film The Roommate, in which they portray a college-aged Single White Female. See? Even Hollywood producers see it. But even in this example, there's a glaring fact. In the movie, Leighton's character starts acting all Jennifer Jason Leigh on Minka's ass. You know, doing her makeup the same. Making the same pouty faces. Wearing her hair the same. The same thing has happened with these girls.

Leighton's actually a blonde:

Rachel's more hipster than prep-scene:

And Mila's look is dependent upon make-up and face-making:

Still though, there's always this:

All Aboard the Hot Mess Train!

Oh, shiz. New Bad Girls Club. The season premiered this week and I was working but it was on one of the televisions and I witnessed an awesome clip of a fight in the driveway. After this preview, I am officially hooked.

Well, Spanish Lost promos are way better than American ones. See? You can make awesome promos without giving anything away.

I'ma Bout Ta Pop OFF!

According to Bossip:

In filming for the new season of Celebrity Fit Club, Tanisha teamed up with K-Fraud’s ex, Shar Jackson, and got into a scrap with K-Fat over Britney: This weekend, the family got a call and some bad news for thanksgiving. Tanisha has been arrested again but this time for having a fist fight during filming with Kevin Federline. We are confident that she will be released and all will go well, but this jerk has been messing with Tanisha since the first day the cast met because he didn’t like that she was so close to his ex Shar Jackson. According to Tanisha, the drama all began when the cast had to do a hike in California on Runyon Canyon and Federline was making fun of Tanisha for complaining and singing Britney Spears songs with Shar. It was all in fun but he obviously couldn’t take a joke or someone making fun of Britney.

Oh, snap! See, this is why television was invented. I am so beyond excited to witness this moment. It will be like a pre-hibernation Grizzly Bear and French Smoking Ape going at it. (I sincerely hope that you got all of the nuances to those animal metaphors.)

POP OFF!

Who put the peppah in the juice!

Sometimes a piece of television comes along important, so potentially mobilizing that the American populous at-large finds it difficult to ignore, knowing that history is unfolding before their eyes. MTV's Jersey Shore is probably not one of those pieces of television, but I WILL BE WATCHING THIS SHIT.

LV and Douchebags
Or the Episode of The City in Which Whitney Dates a Gay Man

One of the reasons that I love New York City so much is that I can walk down a SoHo street and witness a man holding a Hermes bag stick his tongue down another man's throat. Not that I condone public displays of affection or murses, but the fact that no one cares or notices, the fact that everyone is free to be whatever they want to be, that the lines between acceptability ranges or labels is totally blurred. But that blurring can lead to some fairly murky waters. For example: the quintessential New York date with a gay boy. Now, I've dated some gay boys in my life. Some were nice, some were mean, most I met in my harrowed history in the theater arts but all provided me with a beautiful "a-ha" moment in which I realized why they never kissed me or cared as much about NBA playoffs as I did. But I've never dated in NYC, and I've certainly never experienced the gay-date first hand. But I did watch this week's episode of The City, so I feel like I know what the experience feels like.

Plaid will throw off the scent

Whitney gets set up on a blind date with a dude who works at Bergdorff. His own personal job description is as follows: "I convince people to buy ridiculously expensive clothing." So, he's a shopboy. Fair enough. But he proceeds to tangentally engage Whitney in a conversation about abbrevs. You know. Shortening things to they're tots eas. Y K? And he gets mad at her for not knowing what LV meant. I mean, I knew that it was Louis Vuittan but I also have a uterus and color-coded closet. Needless to say, there will not be a second date.

Over-plucked turkey

Simulateously, Roxy was going on a date with a fellow California transplant. I knew that he wasn't a East coast boy because he had spikey hair and dressed like he shopped at a store that sold graphic tees.

The morning after? I think not.

I also knew that the dates hadn't happened simulateously because Roxy's eyebrows were full-on super-tweezed in the shots. My hunch is that they went on a date early on, totally banged, the producers told her to date him again after Whitney went on her date, and the set-up for this season's "Club Argument" was made. Roxy tells Spikey to bring hot guys with him to meet up with some friends at a club. Instead he brings a troupe of failed 28-year-old models with him and strolls in looking like Justin Bobby.

He looks like Joe Francis.

Roxy gets fake mad and I don't really care but her description of the events the following day at People's Revolution are priceless. "He came in dressing like he's never dressed before with a gaggle of has-been old models." Oh, Roxy.

Also in the episode: Olivia tries out a different hairstyle. JUST KIDDING!!!!!!!

I think think this occasion calls for long, loose curls feebly tied back.

Airing December 1st.

The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show just happened and it was all Lady Gaga and shit. I love me some Lady Gaga, but the craziness may have gotten in the way of what really important here: titties and ass. So, um, here are some highlights:



No, I will not call you. You look like an insane homeless crack-whore from 1979 with a yarn fetish.

Okay first of all, this is a lingere show so why does it look like my Wacky Day outfit from my senior year of high school? Also, eat a fucking sandwich. Victoria's Secret is supposed to be the bastion of all things hot yet healthy and now we're going all runway skinny fucktard? Not. Cute.


That's more like it. Doutzen Kroes is the best thing to come out of the Netherlands since tulips. That's right, tulips.

Hungarians are hotter than you. All of them. Like me and the chick pictured above.

I am seriously concerned about her legs breaking in half. Also, remember that episode of Rock of Love 2 when Brett challenges the girls to write him raunchy wedding vows in slutty wedding-ish outfits? I think this outfit is from that episode. Hat and all.
Miranda Kerr dated Orlando Bloom. She also dated Jay from The City so, apparently the judgment isn't always so spot on. And I guess neither is the judgment of the producers of this show. Major downgrade on a lot of these.

But I guess no one can top these bitches.

7 Reasons Why I Love Stargate: Universe:

1. I am in love with Eli.

Eli, the under-achieving, chubby math wunderkind who acts as the the emotional anchor of the show is a boy who I would have pined after in high school. Actually, he's a whole lot like the boy I actually did pine after in high school, the one that sleeps next to me in bed at night now, so I can only hope that Eli finds a girl who will love him for who he is. And want to borrow his adorable hoodies.

2. Endless Possibilities

The thing about narrative set-ups like this one (the ship is on an uncharted course to god-knows-where, stopping at surprise planets along the way) is that it offers an infinite amount of storyline ideas. So, if the crew ended up on a planet of quickly multiplying adorable creatures whose ultimate purpose is to root out a potentially deadly nutrient source--shit, has that already been done?--it could totally work. I mean, anything is possible.

3. Rooted on Earth

The idea that a group of people accidentally end up on a ship in space, fighting for their very existence could be fuel for a continuity fire. But having alien technology that allows those on the ship to inhabit the body of a person on Earth makes those loose ends most shows would forget to tie up totally tieable. It also brings me to my next point...

4. Puppet Ethics

If you had only 24 hours to spend with those you loved, what would you do? Would you kiss your girlfriend one last time? Would you finally tell your parents that you loved them? Would you get totally shitfaced and make out with your best friend? Now, what if you could only do these things in someone else's body? The logistical unbelievability of this happening at all might bar one from letting people know it was you at all (as in the case of Eli). Or, you might decide to bang your wife in the form of a superior officer with whom you've been butting heads (way to go Col. Young). Regardless, the ethical and emotional issues presented are pretty interesting.

5. Star Wars References

Eli loves Star Wars. He makes references all the time and they're pretty funny, but no one else gets them which makes me sad. At least you have the audience, Eli. At least you have the audience.

6. Power Struggle

So, the Stargate project was originally a military mission, but when you're lightyears away from Earth who is in power. And when the course direction and decision making power is largely in the hands of the science folk (mainly sketchy Dr. Rush), are the strings really being pulled by a mad man who I'm starting to believe knew exactly where they were going when he jumped through that Stargate. Add to that an infrastructure back on Earth that wants their 2 cents to count for a whole lot more and you've got some in-fighting drama.

7. Emotional Punch

Stargate: Universe is about aliens. And lazer guns and space ships and survival of the fittest and all of that geeky man-boy bullshit. And I love that bullshit, but geeks have hearts too. And with Universe they also have a pretty solid writing staff that seems just as interested in developing human relationships and motive as they do thinking up cool planets and sweet technology.

More Like Biggest LOVERS!

Looks like Biggest Loser contestants Daniel and Rebecca have more on their minds than 5-calorie sticks of Wrigley gum and running at 10 for 2 minutes. That's right, the fatties are boinking. Except that they're not so fatty anymore. Just kind of fatty. Daniel (20), most well known for being the biggest contestant ever on the show, met Rebecca (25) at the ranch and they immediately bonded over their mutual need for elastic waistbands. And I'm sure other stuff, but fat jokes are just so easy!

Seriously though, folks. These two are hella cute and I'm happy that they're together. But, what if they break up before the finale? Awkward City--train boarding now. What if they have kiddos like Matt and Suzie and get all fat again because they're just so happy and married and pregnant and American? What if Rebecca realizes that she's the token Girl-Who-Will-Be-Really-Hot-Once-She-Loses-Weight? I guess time will only tell.

Bonus: Recent pic of the two---

Oh boy, he is just not cute.

I know that I've been less than present lately. Blame it on my ridiculous work schedule or an awesome trip back to my red state home or my increasingly non-present immune system, but there is surely only one thing that could bring me out of my not-blogging stupor.

That's right, bitches. Lost has an official premiere date. From Dark UFO:

ABC announces the premiere of the sixth and final season of “Lost,” with a special all-night event on Tuesday, February 2. A recap special will kickoff the night from 8:00-9:00 p.m., ET, followed by the much anticipated two-hour premiere from 9:00-11:00 p.m. The series will then air in its regular time period – Tuesday nights from 9:00-10:00 p.m., ET – beginning the following week, on February 9.

Who invited Nikki?

Now, I'm not sure about this move to Tuesdays and I know that I was promised January not February, but I'll take it.

The Transformation of Roxy Olin

Roxy Olin is the newest cast member of The City. She's brash, spunky and was obviously brought in by the producers to stir up trouble with Whitney. Last week we learned that she's actually a good friend and cool chick (Single Ladies dancing with Whitney was one of the best moments of the season). We also learned that she took a look around New York City and realized that over-plucked L.A. eyebrows are so 2003. Here's to you, Roxy. Much improved.

As promised by the producers, the promos for this season (THE LAST SEASON) of Lost will contain absolutely no footage. Apparently, the premiere episode is so spoiler-packed that they can't show even a second.

Get pumped.

BB Charlie is looking for Lost on the horizon.

The Challenge this season has been good as ever. Surprisingly, the show has been more about game play and challenges than drama and hooking -up, which is quite a feat considering the kind of drama and hooking up that's been going on. Wes and Johanna are one the challenge together but he's with KellyAnne who used to be with Cohutta and he's still mad that Johanna hooked up with Kenny on the Island--the same Kenny who's been making out with Sara, who's been telling everyone that KellyAnne has slept with everyone on the show. Got all that? It can be pretty confusing, so I came up with a trusty chart to let you know who's hooked up with who's hooked up with who. It's all pretty incestuous, and truthfully, it's just a fraction of what really takes place. I only included people who were directly connected to those on the Island, so that leaves out some pretty epic hook-ups. Hopefully this will remind you of some good TV watching times. Like the Rachel-Veronica-Abram threesome that resulted in a long term relationship between the two girls. Or the fact that Mike "The Miz" used to rule the Challenges and get all of the ladies. Enjoy. At least you know who you can safely get with, namely virgin Chet, boring Nick and chubby Ibis.

Troy and Abed do they thing.

So You Think You Can Dance Top 20!

(the ones that I like)

Mollee Gray (18) Jazz

Too precious for words, Mollee has the proper pedigree for a sugary-sweet teen star. She worked as a back-up dancer in the High School Musical movies and comes from a low-income, high hope tight knit family (Selena Gomez anyone?) She's 18 but seems 15 which is pretty endearing in a day and age when my knowledge of what the kids are up to is comprised of blow-job references I hear on NYC Prep. She seems genuinely excited to be there. Plus, watching her try to be all sexy in Latin Ballroom will be a delicious, delicious train wreck.

Ellenore Scott (19) Contemporary

So, she spells her name like that, which I would typically make fun of. And she has that awesome picture above, which I would typically make fun of. BUT, she's totally spot of with her technique. And she did something that no other girl has ever attempted to do: SHE WAS FUNNY. You may remember her audition that I posted a few weeks ago...the one in which she shook her little tush and looked at it like my dog looks at his backside after he farts. Hilar. I love her.

Russell Ferguson (20) Hip Hop and Krump

Krump dancing makes me want to punch someone and put one eyebrow up afterward, looking at them for a really long time like, "Yeah bitch, I just punched you. Do something about it. Ass. Face." Or something like that. He happens to be really good at most other styles too. He says that he has no formal training, and I think that he's full of a little thing that I like to call bullshit. But what the hell, lying never hurt you in show business.

Nathan Trasoras (18) Contemporary

There is not a picture (available on the internet at the time of publishing) that is capable of conveying how hot Nathan is. He's only 18 but I think he might love me IRL, just like that episode of Ally McBeal where Ally dates James Marsden and they play baseball at the end of the episode and she feels young again, just one more time. One last time. The boy can move. Will definately capture the teenage fangirl vote (AKA AllofTheVote)



I am, however, super bummed that my fav contestant of the show the entire time chose not to continue. The judges asked Paula Van Oppen to be on the show, but she had to decline.





Ms. Paula had to go film Burlesque with Diva Christina and Diva Cher and Diva Julianne Hough (maybe not that last one, but she does have a banging body, and I do have to give props to anyone with balls enough to film a ProActiv commercial). It's a huge opportunity, and she really does have star power. Good luck Paula, I hope you can catch a few episodes. I know I will.

Admittedly, The City is a fairly inaccurate representation of New York City life. Given that is a spin-off of a spin-off of a partially scripted MTV "reality" show about vapid, insipid Californian teenagers (there has to be some mathematical formula for calculating the probability of reality at any given point in a season--considering distance from original "reality", right?), viewers have to go into the show knowing that there will be an element of disbelief. The premise involves women in their early twenties maneuvering their way through love and career starts--specifically in the fashion industry. See folks, IRL the fashion industry in New York City, especially at this point in time economically, especially at the beginning of one's career, is an extremely difficult nut to crack. Most people have to work for years fetching coffee and cataloging handbags to even get the opportunity to work for people like Joe Zee, let alone have them talk to you face to face like you're more than just a lackey. But alas, Olivia works at Elle (a place where I myself failed to even get an internship---I did get an interview however----see? I'm just like Olivia!) as some sort of made up position called "Assistant Accesories Editor" where she answers immediately to the Creative Director and PR Manager and Whitney moonlights as a fill-in-the-blank-I-sit-at-the-computer-and "assist"-Kelly at People's Revolution when she's not launching a fashion line. It's pretty much the same thing I do at my job except that instead of obeying orders these girls get boy advice from their super famous bosses and instead of making no money they can afford luxurious rooftop apartments on the Lower East Side. So yeah, just like me.

But these facts aren't enough to deter me. See, The City has what The Hills now lacks. Whitney Port is outrageously likeable. She was always my favorite cast member of The Hills not only because she gave Lauren great advice on fools like Jason and Brody (why are these people burned into my mind for eternity?!), but because her reactions to the ridiculous drama swirling around the show were always so adorable and genuine. I think the chick, no matter how scripted the show is, really is that genuine. I think that she would have taken trampy Roxy in even if the cameras weren't there. I think she really is that wide-eyed excited to be in NYC. And speaking from personal experience, she really is that pretty. I saw her leaving the Britney Spears concert last fall and the poor girl was perfectly styled, coiffed and perfectly mobbed by a couple dozen teenaged girls.

It also has that premise, no matter how little it delivers on it in reality. See, reality has very little to do with the premise in the first place as its very appeal is based on the promise of something bigger, brighter and better than whatever currently exists in one's life. The City appeals to girls all over New York, all over the country for that matter, because it's everything that New York has ever promised. It's Alicia Keys and Jay-Z playing an ode to opportunity. It's cocktails and stilettos at parties you feel like you could have only ever snuck in to. It's trading suburbia, trailerparks, tapered pants, getting married at 21, insurance jobs, and lowered expectations for the "bright lights, long nights, high rise, over time...". It's the chance to know that even if you're not living the lives of the girls on The City, if you're here just knowing that there's a chance that you can, can make you feel on top of the world.

True Blood Spoilers

True Blood's Season 3 won't return until next summer, but we can still bring you the scoop on what's happening when the HBO series returns. "It's a crazy season," executive producer Alan Ball tells TVGuide.com. "It picks up right where we left off and things get weird really fast."

As Ball already spilled, someone is going to die and we'll be pretty happy about it. Find out what else he teases, including the juicy relationship between Eric (Alexander Skarsgård) and Sookie (Anna Paquin), and the addition of some new characters. Also, get a few extra tidbits from your favorite shaggy dog, star Sam Trammell.

Who's coming back? "The Queen is coming back," Ball reveals. "Godric is coming back for an appearance, a flashback. There's some new vampires in town, there are some werewolves. We do have a lot of werewolves coming in, male and female, but we haven't started casting for the show yet."

Sookie and Eric: Sookie's been seeing visions of her and Eric getting — ahem — friendly. Will their romance actually progress, not just in her head? "I can definitely tell you [we'll see that] in the show. I don't know if it will necessarily be in Season 3. Of course they're going to come together, it's fated. It's not something that's going to happen right off the bat."

Theme of Season 3: "It seems to be that it's about really embracing one's identity," Ball tells us. "Season 2 was more about how religions can make people do things that maybe they wouldn't do otherwise; it gives them the freedom to do things. This season is a lot about what it means to be who you are, or what you are."

Sookie's background: "Sookie still doesn't know exactly what she is. She will get closer to figuring out why she has these random powers that show up when they do," says Ball. (Spoiler alert: In the books, Sookie discovers she has fairy blood running in her.) "She is definitely part of a different race," adds Ball. "In terms of fairies, like perky fairies with wings, like Tinkerbell, no, they're not like that. If it is fairies, they're fierce. They're not pretty, soft, glamorous, gossamery things. They're really, really, really powerful and primal creatures.

Sam's real family: "There's some new shape-shifters who may be Sam's biological family," teases Ball. Adds Trammell, "As I understand it, I'm going to be trying to find my biological family, who put me up for adoption or abandoned me. I have a feeling they're going to be very creepy, sketchy, weird, shape-shiftery weirdos. They're going to be bad news."

Sam's love life: "Can he ever trust a woman again? I don't know if he can, so he may have to just turn into an animal, stay an animal and seek love that way," jokes Trammell. "I hope he does, in all seriousness, but it could take a season or two for him to build up that confidence again."

Oh, Tool Academy. You are the icing on the cupcake that is life.

In my forward thrust toward television journalism infamy, I've neglected to so much as mention this little gem. The concept is simple: men with big egos, big muscles and gigantic collections of hair product are brought to the VH1 Tool Academy by their self-esteem-lacking girlfriends to improve on themselves and their relationships.

This is a real contestant.

For me, it isn't the masculine posturing, drunken screaming or tear-filled infidelity admittances that get me. It's the staged television wedding at the end of the season. Like a fairytale.

Watching Dexter regularly this season--having a boyfriend who orders premium channels has its benefits--and it just keeps getting better. The show that manages to make its audience root for the unlikeliest of characters (a serial killer) does one thing really, really well: suspense. This season Dexter is easing into his role as a suburban dad while maintaining his work at the blood lab AND calmly dismembering not-so-upstanding members of the Florida community. On top of all of that, The Trinity Killer (in the ultra creepy form of John Lithgow) is killing on Dexter's stomping ground.

Dexter's lack of sleep and debilitating over-extension are making him get a little sloppy, and his latest killing led him the a three day scavenger hunt through the annals of his own mind. The show doesn't always get everything right. Dexter's metaphorical quest to have a perfect family should actually be a lot more easily attainable (his wife is an absolute nag and wretch!) and sub-plots such as sis's affair with the serial killer hunter are just plain stretching it (and it's a show about serial killers), but more often than not, it hits its mark.

My Monkey Baby is a real show. That is all.

The current season of So You Think You Can Dance looks promising, with an array if sick dancers. I've said time and again that I love this show for a loooooooong list of reasons, not the least of which is the fact that I have absolutely no dancing ability.

Vegas week auditions started this last week, and here are a couple of early favorites. An adorable 18 year old who is technically amazing (and jailbait hot) and a quirky contemporary girl with some ballet chops.

Jesus Girl from ANTM is as excited as I am...Glee roundup!

BRB...shaking and crying...

Gossip Girl here, for your one stop look into the lives of Upper East Siders.

Except now, most of them are living on the Lower East Side and participating in a whole new kind of annoying. See, there are a few super annoying types in NYC.

1. Upper Manhattan socialites who have been fed everything with a silver spoon and never venture below midtown.

2. NYU Hipsters whose snobbish behavior toward Type 1 UWSers is hilarious considering that most of these kids also come from money but just smell worse.

3. Financial district douches who go out taking shots well into their 30's.

And those are just a few from Manhattan. Don't even get me started on artistic Brooklynites.

Anywho, Dan, Blair, Vanessa, Dan's midget brother and Georgina are all attending NYU. Serena is skipping out on Brown in favor of gallavanting with former? player Carter, Nate is running around with a rival family's prodigal daughter in some sort of a vanilla Romeo and Juliet, and Chuck is doing his best to open a high end strip club. The storylines and character overlapping is actually really refreshing following a bit of a Sophomore slump that saw Chuck and Blair as the only beacon of hope on the show.

Georgina is determined to take Blair down and she seems to be good at it. She's literally sleeping with enemy as she's seduced dumbass Dan with her transluscent skin and fish lips. She's also Vanessa's new bestie and the combo are not letting Blair get a word in edgewise. Speaking of, in a ridiculous plot twist, Ms. Waldorff has chosen to live in the dorms for her Freshman year. And surprise, surprise, Georgina's her roommate! That Blair is a power-hungry bitch whose insensitivity towards the feelings of others is more than a little off-putting is a given. But watching Blair fall on her face as her transition from Queen Bee-dom proves increasingly difficult is heartbreaking. Blair is mean but Georgina is mean and fake. It's just plain wrong.

Vanessa has taken up with Lily and Rufus' son, except that Lily and Rufus don't know that he's their son. The truth was about to come out, but then he lied to Rufus, saying that he was the boy's brother. Vanessa is bound to be pissed, what with her truth seeking moral compass, and it's kind of a shame. I mean, I think that he really does like her, even if his initial motivations were to sneak his way into the Humphrey family. He is, however, a certified midget and looks hilarious standing next to Vanessa.

Chuck and Blair continue to be adorable as they attempt to continue being ChuckandBlair. There's going to be a wrench thrown in this love story pretty soon, I'm sure, but for the time being it's nice to see both of them happy and healthy.

Project Runway suckfest this episode in which none of the outfits were remotely cute at all. I'm not a quitter so I won't stop watching this season, but my future with PR is seriously in jeopardy.

Here are the winners from last night's episode:
























Designed by Irina and assisted by Geordana (lame partner challenge proved lame), this was the best? I mean, I know that it was a Macy's challenge but ready-to-wear doesn't have to mean cheap and midwest-worthy. Yuck.




















These are the outfits that lost it for Louise. The thing is, her name was Louise Black and she looked like she never stopped being obsessed with the 20's after that costume party in college. I've also never heard the word "ruffles" so much in my life.

Excuse me while I go take a nap.

Short season continues, and I'm generally unimpressed. In an attempt at relevance, Tyra and Co. made this week's challenge about beauty shots, surely the only market that these midgets will be able to corner.

Here's the best and the worst:

This heifer is finally gone. Good riddance.

Called 2nd?! What the hell is Tyra thinking?

Called first. She looks totally beautiful.

My personal favorite. This girl is insanely good.

My favorite model delivers again. Also, the only one to stir up any drama in this lame ass season.

MTV-Drama-Rama!

New episodes of The Hills and The City premiered this week. So, with complete cast revisions for both (scripted) reality shows, just how different would things be?

The Hills:

Lauren Conrad left the show after five seasons last year to go surfing with her squatty boyfriend, write some more best sellers and design some more plain clothing for Kohl's. According to reports, LC was getting fed up with the increasingly fake nature of the show and wanted the cameras out of her life. This only stands to endear me to her more.

He must be 5'6"

Her replacement is her old high-school arch nemesis, Kristin Cavallari. What makes the choice so interesting is that Krisitn was MTV's first choice for The Hills back in the day. It makes sense since Kristin's proclivity toward creating drama wherever she goes makes for great reality television. Instead she got all snooty, tried to start a movie career, starred in that Gavin DeGraw video instead and moved in with Nick Zano along the way. Meanwhile, LC got really famous and earned $125,000 an episode. Oscar dreams out the window, reality on MTV here she comes.

With Lauren gone, Spencer and Heidi have more of a platform to be obnoxious and plastic. They're throwing a "We're Back from our Honeymoon" party--for themselves--and everyone has been invited. Putting all of these people into a room (or onto a roof, as it stands) can only spell D-R-A-M-A. Kristin shows up, macks on Justin Bobby, Audrina is mad, Stephanie gets in the middle, a fight almost ensues, blah, blah.

"It's on, bitch!"

It's all obviously set up by the producers but pre-existing characters (Audrina specifically) are getting hurt by the tornado that is Kristin. I'd have to say that the best part of this episode was seeing everyone drunk. The feeling that I get from watching people make terrible decisions while under the influence of alcohol is akin to figuring out the password to your sister's email. It's delightful second hand embarassment.

Is this the hat of a sane man?

There are a few other storylines the writers came up with. Heidi wants babies, Spencer doesn't. It's the first time that Spencer and I have agreed on any topic. Ever. Brody's Playmate girlfriend, Jayde is deliciously jealous, and Kristin's sudden reappearance triggers her crazy. Also, Stacey the Bartender is there for no reason. I think it's going to be a good season folks; sit down and enjoy the ride.

The City:

Last season's inaugural offering of Whitney Port's move to NYC was a bit disappointing for me. Whitney was my favorite person on The Hills, but her penchant for good girl boring made for an equally boring show. Producers heard my television changing channels and completely changed the supporting cast. Olivia is the only return castmember and she's as cap-toothed as ever. Elle Magazine decides to offer her a job in accessories in an attempt to create a PR buzz. In a meta-media move that has me thinking way too much about my two passions (television and magazines), her nemesis is actually the Media Relations girl.

New HBIC.

Hating Olivia in the first place wasn't even necessary for my wanting this new chick to win every battle. Taking a page from the "if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself" book, this woman not only pitched Elle being on The City, but posited herself as the villianess. Nice.

Whitney's old high school "friend" Roxy is on the scene as a new People's Revolution hire.

Fame Whore.

Apparently Diane von Furstenburg had had about enough of awkwardly giving Whit boy advice in order to garner a few more wrap-dress sales, so out girl Whitney is back to working at People's Revolution part time and launching her new fashion line with the rest of her time. I'm totally excited because Kelly Cutrone is my favorite cast member on either of these shows. Roxy (last name Olin--as in television big name Ken Olin is her Daddy) is all lipstick and girl-hating, and I'm not buying that sweet little Whitney would EVER choose to be friends with her. But the producers want her to stir up some trouble, so she's staying with Whitney for the time being.

She pays $5,000/month for that roof.

Whitney has moved to the Lower West Side, which makes more sense than her previous upper Manhattan digs. Now she can revel in her rooftop view of NYU hipsters and overpriced concept resturants.

Oh, noes!

Roxy throws a giant party that was supposed to be a small get-together and the po-po shows up to stop the madness. The party is a hot mess; boys with backwards hats wandering in and staring at the cameras. Shots are taken and spilled and Whitney's heels are way too expensive to be dealing with this. Roxy looks like a piece of low-rent trash born into money and it's going to be easy for me to hate her.

**As a side note, I would like to state that I saw Whitney at the Britney Spears concert. I actually didn't recognize her as I was too busy staring at her adorable shoes to look up at her face. But people soons started whispering, then screaming "Whitney!" and I elt really sorry for the poor girl. She has amazing, perfect skin and is actually much shorter than I had imagined--she's probably 5'7".