How do we bid adieu to the show that brought us more catfights, hookups, scandals and subject-verb disagreement than we ever could have asked for? I’d like to do a recap and review some of my favorite Hills moments of the past five years.

Last night’s finale was a kind-of-sad, kind-of-nauseating ode to what it means to grow up and move on when you’re an over-privileged white kid living in Southern California. Since Lauren Conrad left the show last season and Kristin Cavillari sort of limped along, replaying the slutty, manipulative bitch role she honed while fighting over “Ste-viiiiiin” on Laguna Beach (eventually learning that television audiences don’t dig unlikeable reality show protagonists and settling into playing a poor man’s version of L.C.) it was apparent that renewal was probably not going to be an option. I mean, these people’s salaries had been re-upped to something like $25,000 per person, per episode so why would they agree to pay when those idiots on Jersey Shore are willing to make fools of themselves for a bottle of Valtrex and a cheap tanning package?)

So now, with no reality show to film (and no discernible income), our fearless band of heroes have to decide what to do with the rest of their lives. The four remaining main characters: Kristin, who isn’t actually friends with any of these girls, Lo, who somehow got dragged into all of this when she was living with Lauren but who stuck around when she realized that $25,000 an episode was pretty hard to turn down, Audrina, whose ceiling eyes and buoyant implants have marked the series’ most vapid moments (that’s saying something!) and Stephanie, who somehow went from being Spencer’s drugged out, violent little sister to the most sensible one on the show, get together to talk about their futures.

Steph is just so happy! Everyone can tell because she’s just positively glowing; they don’t realize that that’s just because she isn’t drinking a gallon of Appletini every week. Audrina isn’t quite so happy. We find this out in a little depressing/awkward interchange:

Aud: You look really happy.
Steph: I am! I’ve just found my happy place
Aud: I don’t think that I have. I feel like I’m still looking.
Steph: But you used to…
Aud: No, not really.

How fucking sad! So I’m supposed to believe that after all of these years of lounging by the pool and riding away into the sunset with Justin Bobby and pretending to work in various offices she still hasn’t found happiness? Not even when she filmed Into the Blue 2??? God, Audrina. That’s just sad! On the other hand, Lo is. She’s decided to totally jump off the cliff and move in with ol’ dopey eyes. She loves him and she has a normal job and she wants to have babies!!! All of the girls “ooooh” and “aaaaahhhh” over this and I cringe at the idea of them babysitting. Finally we come to Kristin, who is seriously going through a “mid-20s mid-life crisis” and just doesn’t know what to do with her life. She’s bored and lost and is feeling the wanderlust that only pretty blond girls whose parents own beach-front properties can. It’s Europe or bust (which is kind of the most vague kind of geographical directive you could give) and she’s got to leave right away! — right after she talks to Brody and has a going away party and films The Hills Finale After Party two months later.

The rest of the episode is composed of these people wrapping up their story lines. Audrina looks at a beach house so that she can “get out of Hollywood” and “clear her head.” I will avoid the obvious joke here. It may just be me and my wacky responsibility piping up again, but I think that moving into a really expensive beach house immediately after your only source of regular income has been eradicated is maybe not the best idea. Well, there is that rumored Audrina reality show that everyone’s been talking about. Puke.

Steph drives two hours to see her new motor-cross dude race, and afterward she has “the talk” with him. Throughout this scene my boyfriend says that he “likes her” because she seems nice and normal and she wears an adorable pseudo-athletic outfit to see her athlete date. “That’s what you would wear if I raced bikes.” Yes Grant, yes it is. So, the talk goes something like this: “You look like, you’re just, like, this tough, motorcycle guy, but then, like, you’re just like a big Carebear underneath.” The saying is “teddy bear” but that’s okay, Steph. I’ll let this one slide. This precipitates a “I’m not dating anyone else” “I’m not dating anyone else either” “Do you want to be dating anyone else?” conversation and it’s all too adorable and sweet to ignore. I hope they order Diet Coke and Sprites for a long, long, time.

Let’s see… who else? Lo moved in with her unfortunate looking boyfriend. He seems nice and stable and older than all of them. He also loves her — enough to say that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Her little face lights up and you can tell that she doesn’t want to beam because it makes her cheeks look fat. It’s a very real, very endearing moment. If nothing else, these two will have that on tape for the rest of their lives and that’s really something.

On the crazy end of the pond, Kristin needs to close the book on Brody before she begins gallivanting off to Ye Olde Europe. So, she meets him on top of some roof in downtown Los Angeles swimming in a pool in his sunglasses (I WANT A ROOFTOP POOL. MAXIMUM TANNING. MAXIMUM PRIVACY. MAXIMUM ‘HOLY SHIT I’M SWIMMING ON TOP OF A REALLY, REALLY HIGH BUILDING’ FEELING.) She sits down on a chaise lounge and tells him the big news. She’s leaving — maybe for a month, maybe for the summer, maybe she’ll settle down with a nice French man named Jacques who feeds her cheese cubes and plays the lyrical guitar. Brody asks her if the decision has anything to do with him. What a bold-faced thing to do, Brody Jenner! How could you be so audacious as to assume that you would be the sole reason why reality super star Kristin Cavallari would leave the home-baked glow of Los Angeles for the cold, blistering, rainy lull of god damn Europe. I want to yell at him and say that he’s wrong, but he’s right. He’s so, so right. All the while, Brody’s new squeeze — Canadian songstress/eyeliner proponent Avril Lavigne — is calling endlessly, wondering why things have to be so complicated. Kristin invites him to her going away party but he doesn’t know if he’s going to come because that will be, in some way, condoning her leaving. Oh, Brody Jenner. You are a grade A dickhead.

The party happens and it’s at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel — the same place Heidi snuck all of her friends into under the watchful eye of Teen Vogue intern Lauren Conrad in the very first season of The Hills! Times were simpler then. Heidi was a spunky party-girl whose enigmatic personality made up for the fact that she wasn’t as traditionally attractive as her sweet-but-mundane friend. Lauren’s hair was a terrible shade of blond. Spencer Pratt didn’t even exist. Ah, memories.

No one’s sneaking in and there are no fights tonight. Everyone’s just saying a fake goodbye to Kristin, which is actually a fake goodbye to the show. Brody tells her not to leave, that he will miss her. A single, glistening tear runs down his golden tan and perfect stubble — I wonder what it feels like to nuzzle his face? Probably like holding a newborn puppy — and the moment is had. The next day Kristin plans to leave the country (maybe just drive down the street?) so she puts on her finest shorty-shorts and heads out to her car. Who should be there but Brody, wishing her goodbye. Telling her that he wants her to stay… “That’s all that I’ve wanted to hear you say for so long. But I have to leave.” She gets into the car, the camera settles on Brody, Hollywood sign in the background, and suddenly some shit goes down! The Hollywood sign/sunset is removed as a backdrop and a movie set is revealed. Kristin gets out of the car, hugs Brody, someone yells, “CUT!” and The Hills is over.

So what did it all mean??? During the after show Brody Jenner asserted that it had an open-ended meaning, “You never know what’s real and what’s not. Maybe our [Kristin and Brody] relationship was all fake.” Maybe that’s what it is — I certainly don’t think that everything on the show was fake. Surely after Lauren left there was more falsification, less concentration on the real-life feelings of these people, but I think that some of it was real. I know for damn sure that Brody and Kristin’s friends-with-benefits situation was real. You could smell the stink of desperation on her when he looked at her, and the involvement of alcohol certainly aided in more than a few “ride home together” nights. But mostly, I think that the ending was a big “Look What I Did” from Adam Divello. The man who crafted the semi-scripted concept for Laguna Beach, and continued — with success — to helm the reigns of the equally fake The Hills created a new television art form. In acknowledging that it was fake, he also shed light on the fact that what he created had never been done before. American didn’t need something real to become invested — and they didn’t need something fake to ensure that whatever hardships or triumphs were far enough away from their own lives that they didn’t sting — they just needed a well-crafted story and a few hundred tequila shots to get them hooked. Surely it isn’t the reality (or lack thereof) that entices an audience, but the reassurance that some things will always be the same. Audrina’s eyes will always stare aimlessly upward. Kristin’s skin will always be a glowing tan. Brody will always be simultaneously aggravating and attractive. The rest, is still unwritten.

Man, The City is really trying to set Whitney Port up to be a villain at the end of this season. Why would you make your main character unlikeable? Why, to show her as a phoenix rising from the ashes next season, of course. I can’t wait ‘til she crashes and burns outside of a club in SoHo, ranting about her Whitney Eve lace leggings to anyone who will listen and flipping Roxy the bird. Then she can apologize to everyone about how she lost her way in the big city of New York and just wants to go back — back to being a sweet unaffected girl from California, back to being to kind of person who sounded strange uttering the word “bitch.” It’ll all be so Rachel Getting Married.

In the meantime, she has to self-destruct first. After last week’s episode where she yelled at Roxy for not getting the multi-platinum band Lights to wear a floral mini-dress, she’s still angry. You can tell because she’s not talking to Roxy while they both “work” at People’s Revolution (I spot Kell on Earth actual employees in the background!) She takes the opportunity to tell Kelly that although Roxy is a totally inept cuntbag (I’m summing things up here) she went to a jewelry showing to “get inspired” and lo and behold Erin from Elle was there with her own camera crew in tow. How weird! She told her about a shoot for Ashley Greene that they’re doing and asked if she had any black dresses that they might be able to use. Why, of course she has black dresses! She didn’t in her first collection but she’s learned since then. Every collection needs black because it goes with everything and high class fashion bitches in New York loooooove black.

So, Whitney’s all on her high horse about the failure of Roxy and how awesome she is at networking with people who MTV has scripted her to network with and Kelly Cutrone, seeing the dramz, says the girls, “Hey ladies! I see that there’s some bad blood over something that totally doesn’t matter in the long run but I need you both to attend this benefit for AIDS. It’s a fashion benefit for AIDS so there will be lots of power gays there and skinny bitches in black and a runway show full of insane hats so I’m going to need you to sit in the front row and represent."


And hats there were. All sorts of hats with flowers and sequins and wizamagoos. Hats to fight AIDS! What a gloriously stupid concept! But it’s all very important. So important that Whitney and Roxy getting into a mini fight about Roxy going to look at apartments is a total social snafu!

See, earlier Roxy (having been told by Whitney that she thinks it would be a good idea for her to move out) went to look at an apartment. It was perfect! It had a fireplace and a bedroom and over 700 square feet! And it was only $4,000/month! She went out to eat with her Dad to ask him to fork over some money for the place and he said, “No, sweetie. That’s waaaaaay too much money for me to be giving you. I mean, are you aware that that’s $48,000 a year. That’s more than Helen Cooper even earns. Seriously.” It’s a hard knock life for a big time Hollywood producer’s daughter.

Roxy ends up moving out and going to stay with gap-toothed friend whose name I can never remember and Whitney looks out the window whistfully, wondering how she’s going to foot the bill on her own $6,000/month apartment without the help of Roxy’s dad. New York City tears people apart!

Meanwhile in the Elle world, Olivia is being a bitch. I know you’re surprised. The Ashley Greene photo shoot is taking place and Joe Zee really wants to get one of Whitney’s pieces into the magazine but Olivia is having none of it. When she looks at the black skirt and black dress and shiny jacket she sees nothing but a big pile of dog doo doo. She’s a fashion guru and she can’t make dog doo doo go with Ballenciaga.

Luckily she’s going to Japan for a “work trip.” She’s going to interview people and check in at the Elle Japan office, so it’s really worth her leaving. Erin is happy to be rid of her for a few days and so am I. I can’t take much more of her law-jaw effected accent. Bon Voyage, Olivia! I hope you get lost and never come back!

It’s the second-to-last episode of The Hills EVER! And there are so many unanswered questions still! Whatever happened to Jen Bunny? Why does no one think that it’s weird that Justin Bobby has slept with everyone on the show and is still friends with everyone on the show? Why was Ali Lutz introduced for two episodes? Why are these people buying houses as if they’ll have some kind of steady income after this show is over? God, it feels just like the end of Lost. Except, not really at all.

The group is still decompressing from their trip to Costa Rica. It was a hard ride, helping all of those orphans and constructing all of those schools. What’s that? They just got drunk and fought with each other? Hmm… I bet that was tiring too. Kristin still hasn’t spoken to Brody since he called her “like a little sister.” No one has taken issue with this being totally sick-out gross — they think it’s “mean.” Brody doesn’t though. He goes to Ye Old Bike Shop where Not Charlie works (we know this because he has a towel stuck in his back pocket) and rides a little moped around to blow off steam. He just doesn’t think of Kristin like that, dude. He’s also moved onto bigger and better things, and by that I mean Canadian pop princess Avril Lavigne. You seen her in a hoodie kicking stuff over, you’ve wondered how that much eyeliner is possible, you’ve even spotted her being totally mean and horrific to American Idol contestants who can actually sing, and now she’s getting matching “FUCK” tattoos with Brody Jenner.

Poor Kristin doesn’t know yet, and that makes her time at the club — sitting directly next to Brody but not talking to him — all the more awkward. But not everything was bad about the visit to the club! Stephanie finally met a boy who she likes. Sure, he looks like a brain dead heroin addict and his profession is “racing bikes” but he’s nice! And he asks for her number! And when he takes her out he orders a Sprite when she orders a Pepsi. Ah, young love.

There’s a side-story about Lo and her stable relationship that features a rare appearance by her BF where they have dinner together and he asks if she would like to move in with him. She’s all back and forth like, “Ugh, everyone who moves in together breaks up, so I want to be engaged before I move in.” You know what, Lo Bosworth? We’re all tired of your making sense bullshit. I, for one, think that this show would be a whole lot more interesting if you had a sex-tape scandal or started worshiping crystals. Normalcy is so passé.

Poor Kristin is not so lucky in love. Brody tells her that he wants to get together to talk and she’s all, “Hooray! I can finally tell him how I feel!” She spills her guts to him all over the floor and her poor little heart is sitting there just beating for him, hoping that one day it too can become half-Kardashian when he decides to stomp on it with his motorcycle boots (let’s not kid ourselves, flip-flops) and tells her that he’s seeing someone else! The amount that pop artists who we popular five years ago comes between these people is really kind of amazing.

The only other loose end that we get to tie up is what ever happened to Heidi. You remember her; she was a fresh-faced up-and-coming singer whose new marriage to husband Spencer was just the picture of stability. It seems that she’s taken a bit of a respite from The Hills and no one can find her — not even her mom (who flew all the way in from Colorado) and her sister Holly. There’s something different about Holly but I can’t quite put my finger on it. Maybe she got highlights? Anywho, the two can’t locate Heidi anywhere and share a nice lunch where they mourn her like she’s a dead person. How sweet. Maybe on next week’s (LAST EVER!) episode we’ll find out what happened.

Emmy nominations were announced today, and for the most part I was pleased. Lots of nods to Lost (in its last year) and even a little love (finally!) for Friday Night Lights. But still, there was plenty of upset: I like to watch re-runs of SVU as much as the next guy but why would it ever get nominated for anything? Mad Men is a good show but January Jones? No. Stop nominating Two and a Half Men. And its actors. Just, stop. So, in my perfect world, who would my Emmy nominations go to?

*Asterisk denotes who I think out to win

Best Drama:

Lost*
Friday Night Lights
Dexter
Sons of Anarchy
Damages
Breaking Bad

My Reasoning: Of course, you knew I had to include Lost. Emmy voters have nominated (and rewarded) the Sci-fi juggernaut before, but as the plot got more convoluted and the viewers began fleeing, so too went the support of the Emmys. However, in its last year the show should get some cumulative love and I think it ought to win. You know, for being the best show of all time. Other contenders include: FNL, for being the best dramatic depiction of everyday life on the air today(shout out to the much lambasted Parenthood for coming in second on that front), not to mention the best ensemble cast on TV. Dexter, for making the emotional plight of a sadistic serial killer as compelling as any pedestrian tale. Sons of Anarchy for its epic seasonal story arc that paralleled Kingly warfare (castle siege and all!) to a tee. Also, for being generally bad-ass. Damages, for its terse, close-to-the-cuff yarnspin of corporate greed, American justice and the inner-workings of people you see walk around the Financial District. And, Breaking Bad for its singular vision of a man unhinged by circumstance and desperate choices.

Best Comedy:

30 Rock*
Modern Family
Glee
United States of Tara
Community
Party Down

My Reasoning: I don’t think that I need to spin the positive merits of 30 Rock for anyone — it’s consistently the most smartly written comedy on television. Modern Family came out of the gate this year with a concept that hadn’t been done in quite awhile: presenting a family as they are and coming off as heartfelt as it is humorous. Glee is bold, innovative, fun and tender — and the musical numbers have brought millions of American men closer to haranguing their narrow conceptions of manhood. United States of Tara is a mutherfucking masterpiece. And I HATE Diablo Cody. I love the family. I love the concept. I love everything about this crazy show. Community is self-referential awesomeness, the sort of half-hour comedy that makes viewers wonder, “How come I never thought of that joke/scenario/character?” And, although I was late to the Party Down game I’m mourning its loss. Equal parts dry humor and poignant character study (really) the show about cater waiters who would rather be making it big is laugh out loud hilarious.

Best Actor in a Drama:

Michael C. Hall, Dexter*
Bill Paxton, Big Love
Matthew Fox, Lost
Jon Hamm, Mad Men
Ray Romano, Men of a Certain Age
Kyle Chandler, Friday Night Lights

My Reasoning: Michael C. Hall as Dexter was charged with doing the near-impossible — he had to make the audience want to root for the bad guy. And that he did, not to mention chomping down scenes with John Lithgow’s spooky Trinity, grappling with the death of Rita (god, that scene killed me) and attempting to balance the perverse and mundane elements of his life. Bill Paxton had a lot of character growth to explore this season as the secrecy of his Mormon life was constantly threatening to come to the surface. When he finally made the decision to come out in public it was an acting revelation. Matthew Fox has never been recognized before, but he’s also never cried Jears like he did in that finale. His journey and sacrifice as Jack was never more pertinent than it was this season and he stepped up to the plate in a major way. Jon Hamm is the best thing about Mad Men, and that’s saying a lot. I know that I didn’t include it in the "Series" category (due to space constraints) but his Don Draper drives the show in a smoldering way. Who knew Ray Romano could act?! Throw the dude a bone for his sappy, frustrating and often embarrassing portrayal of a recently divorced dude dealing with growing old. If you’ve ever seen an episode of Friday Night Lights you want to be Coach. Or have him as your father. Or play on his football team. Kyle Chandler is a study in restrained acting in a television line-up of overwrought B.S.

Best Actress in a Drama:

Katey Sagal, Sons of Anarchy*
Glenn Close, Damages
Connie Britton, Friday Night Lights
Anna Torv, Fringe
Jeanne Tripplehorn, Big Love
Sally Field, Brothers and Sisters

My Reasoning: God damn, Katey Sagal! You were so good this season! Playing the strongest woman on TV can’t be easy, especially when you have to deal with a gang rape storyline. That bowl-crash-on-the-table scene was ah-maz-ing. Glenn Close wrapped up her turn in the series that was made for her with a glimpse into her character’s past, and even the heartbreaking parts were played with icy calm. The last scene with Patty in sunglasses reflecting on her choices was some of the veteran actress’ best work to date. Connie Britton’s subtle portrayal of Tami Taylor is what the motion camera was made to capture. Feisty, caring and above all, loyal, she’s the kind of woman who is both instantly identifiable and the stuff that heroes are made of. Fringe isn’t the most critically-acclaimed show of the year, but Anna Torv's emotionally touching turn as FBI agent Olivia is worth noting. Jeanne Tripplehorn has always been a standout on Big Love, where her role as First Wife Marge demands that she be steadfast and flexible. But this year, as her husband makes choices that she roundly disagrees with, Tripplehorn was able to show the audience a whole new side of Marge. Sally Field is a terrific actress with lots of terrific roles behind her, but this den-mother turn late in her career has afforded her the opportunity to show the world that a full gamut of emotions doesn’t stop after your hair turns grey.

Best Supporting Actor in a Drama:

Michael Emerson, Lost*
Terry O’Quinn, Lost
Martin Short, Damages
Enver Gjokaj, Dollhouse
Alexander Skarsgard, True Blood
John Noble, Fringe

My Reasoning: Deciding between the performances of Michael Emerson (as the ever-conniving but emotionally broken Ben) and Terry O’Quinn (as both Locke and Not-Locke [notable in both!]) is going to be one of the hardest decisions of the year. It’s quite simply some of the best acting that I have ever seen. Martin Short was surprisingly good in Damages — the shell of a man who has been turned against by everyone he’s ever loved. Enver Gjokaj was a fucking revelation in the little-watched and even less lauded Dollhouse — a role that required him to be more than half a dozen people. He was fantastic in all of them, most notable for his portrayal of undying love. Remember that scene in True Blood where Alexander Skarsgard as Eric mourned the death of his maker (kind of like the vampire equivalent of our lover, mother, father, brother and best friend)? I do. It was perfect. Again, Fringe gets no love but John Noble as former mental patient and all-around genius, Walter, is a spot-on. He’s ecentric, hilarious and heart-breaking.

Best Supporting Actress in a Drama

Rose Byrne, Damages
Elisabeth Moss, Mad Men
Chloë Sevigny, Big Love
Christina Hendricks, Mad Men*
Khandi Alexander, Treme
Aimee Teegarden, Friday Night Lights

My Reasoning: Who would I most like to grow up to be on Mad Men? Why, Elisabeth Moss’ Peggy Olson, who had the gumption to work her way into a copy writing position from her job as a secretary. Yay, women’s rights! Chloë Sevigny, always a standout on Big Love, was never better than this season when she dealt with the news that she is infertile. You know who just might be better than Elisabeth Moss on Mad Men? Christina Hendricks. She hasn’t gotten promoted like Peggy has and has to deal with gender repression in a way that Peggy doesn’t (being sexy in a man's world isn't exactly easy), which makes her turn as Joan all the more interesting. I tried to like Treme, I really did. Turns out the only thing I liked about it was Khandi Alexander’s acting. And, the scene where Aimee Teegarden’s Julie realizes that her relationship with Matt is over was heartbreaking in the worst kind of way. She's turning into quite the little actress.

Best Actor in a Comedy:

Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock*
Joel McHale, Community
Steve Carell, The Office
Adam Scott, Party Down
Thomas Jane, Hung
Jason Schwartzman, Bored to Death

My Reasoning: Alec Baldwin as the masochistic right-winger, Jack Donaghy, is a breath of fresh air in the comedy world — no wonder this part was written for him. I’ve been a big fan of Joel McHale since I first saw him on The Soup, and while the earlier episodes of Community bordered on him playing himself, he’s really crafted Jeff Winger into a beast all-his-own. While The Office may have gone downhill this season, the writers gave Steve Carell some great material. Always uncomfortably unaware of his surroundings (a quality that makes him hilarious), Michael discussing the loss of Holly was enough to earn him a nom. Adam Scott, how do I love thee? The guy who's also really funny on Parks and Rec, carries Party Down as an actor who’s given up on his dream — but not his quiet sarcasm. I know that not a lot of people like Hung, and I know that not a lot of critics think it’s worth noting, but Thomas Jane manages to make being a divorcee prostitute whose house burned down and whose kids hate him into some real comic gold — you know, in an adult kind of way. Does anyone else watch Bored to Death? Well, you should. The noir-ish concept requires Jason Schwartzman to infuse his typical neurotic awkwardness with lovelorn depression. The results are surprisingly funny.

Best Actress in a Comedy:

Toni Collette, United States of Tara*
Mary-Louise Parker, Weeds
Tina Fey, 30 Rock
Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation
Lea Michele, Glee
Jane Adams, Hung

My Reasoning: I cannot say enough about the virtues of Toni Collette. She has to play multiple characters here, but if that hat trick isn’t enough for you, her portrayal of Tara is as frustrating as it is endearing — something that’s not so easy to do. Having to deal with your Mexican drug kindpin baby-daddy constantly trying to have you killed is pretty heavy stuff, but Mary-Louise Parker handles it with aplomb. Amy Poehler is the best part of Parks and Rec, which is saying something for what I think is a great little show. She’s earnest,something really hard to play without being annoying. Amy does it. I may not like Lea Michele, but she was born to play Rachel Berry, who is basically Tracey Flick with a great voice. See, Lea is earnest while being annoying. Really, really hilariously annoying. My boyfriend will disagree but I think that Jane Adams, as a bumbling pimp in Hung, is a delight to watch. Thought processes wash over her face like a sign-board and her female-Woody Allen shtick is pretty darn funny.

Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy:

Chris Colfer, Glee
Eric Stonestreet, Modern Family*
Nick Offerman, Parks and Rec
Ed Helms, The Office
Jack McBrayer, 30 Rock
Keir Gilchrist, United States of Tara

My Reasoning: God, that episode of Glee where Chris Colfer had to play desperate-to-be-loved Kurt, trying to turn himself straight so that his father will pay attention to him was awe-inspiring. Great job, kid. Eric Stonestreet is the funniest thing about Modern Family. Period. Ron Swanson is the best libertarian character on television like, ever. He loves breakfast and guns. And we love Nick Offerman's mustache. With Steve Carell leaving The Office next year, someone is going to have to step into his shoes. I think that that person might be Ed Helms, whose Andy is goofy and endearing, is too likable for me to tell him to shut up. “Mr. Donaghy, I know you said only interrupt you if was very important, but Tishonda from Time Warner Cable is on the phone, and she's offering three free months of Showtime, but we have to act now!” Fucking genius, Jack McBrayer. United States of Tara wouldn’t exist without Toni Collette but my personal favorite character is her son, played by Keir Gilchrist. He’s dedicated to his family, confused about his sexuality and often to only source of sobering reality.

Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy:

Jane Lynch, Glee*
Julie Bowen, Modern Family
Kristen Wiig, Saturday Night Live
Megan Mullally, Party Down
Jane Krakowski, 30 Rock
Allison Brie, Community

Sue Sylvester has been gifted with some of the best one-liners that television has ever offered, but they’d be nothing without the biting delivery by Jane Lynch. Mean never made me so happy. Julie Bowen is a constantly frustrated and consistently funny mom — she’s got the kind of comedic timing that makes you feel like you're there. It’s a bit annoying that Kristin Wiig is in every skit that takes place on SNL but there’s a reason for it: She’s really freaking funny. Have you caught Megan Mullally on Party Down? I recommend it — she was so funny on Will and Grace but this part proves that she has more characters in her than just Karen, including her painfully optimistic waitress here. I remember when there was a big hullabaloo about ugly little troll Rachel Dratch being kicked out of her role in favor of the much more traditionally beautiful Jane Krakowsi. Critics of the choice cried foul that a talented comedienne had been replaced by a mere actress but this (and every season) of 30 Rock proved that some people can be funny and hot. Sucks to be you, Rachel Dratch. Allison Brie’s Annie (a perfectionist scholar whose presence at community college is only due to a pesky prescription drug problem) is adorably cute and funny.

So, there are my choices. A lot of these didn't make it in (most likely due to the fact that I watch niche shows and original content as opposed to traditional network dramas and comedies — The Good Wife and Two and a Half Men, I'm looking at you) and a lot did. There were even some surprises! Both lead actors on FNL were finally recognized, as well as Matthew Fox! But FNL itself was passed over for the campy (albeit enjoyable) True Blood. Mad Men had too many noms (when will voters realize that January Jones actually sucks?). Although Ray Romano didn't get a nod, Andre Braugher did, so that's great for Men of a Certain Age! Congrats to all who were nominated! I hope some of my choices win!

Side Note: Why Zach Gilford did not get nominated in the Best Guest Appearance-Drama category, I do not know. But I am very, very angry.

And then there were four. Ali had the harrowing decision on this week’s Bachelorette of picking who she would like to do hometown visits with. This is the part of these shows when peoples’ parents attempt to pretend like this is a legitimate route to finding love as opposed to a totally embarrassing farce that everyone will laugh about in ten years.

In order to make this choice, Ali takes the guys on one-on-one dates to feel out chemistry and such. Except for Frank and Ty, who have to awkwardly look at one another when they’re having what’s supposed to be a romantic dinner with Ali. Frank gets all cranky about not being able to spend time with Ali (as usual) and Ty is dopey and Southern. We find out that Frank lives with his parents (I don’t care what the story is, he just got a lot less cute) and Ty can’t really explain away the fact that he believes that women should be the man’s servant. According to him he doesn’t think that anymore, he just did during his last marriage. Whatever.

Roberto is “romantic” and “hot”. I get it. He’s very good looking, but what do you guys actually have in common? When the entire date is spent dancing in the street (really, who does that?!) and sucking face at the top of a castle (what a romantic spot, right here where the archers aimed their arrows at opposing soldiers’ faces) there’s not really much room for qualitative progress in the relationship.

Kirk kind of creeped my out this episode. He just seemed sort of desperate, constantly telling Ali how he felt about her, then following it with a “I hope you feel the same way” in a matter that made it seem like that really meant, “Do you feel the same way? Do you like me? Why do you like me? Do you like meeee????!!!” Then he talked about his mold sneezes some more and was generally a ginger and, ugh, he just seems like a class-A frat douche.

You know who impressed me this week? Dead mom guy. Not one mention of his dead mom! He seems to actually like Ali and have a good heart and all of that. It’s like he’s be a landscaper or high school football coach or something else equally harmless and wholesomely effusive. I like him.

The rose ceremony comes and Ali eliminates Ty because she’s a career woman and he’s a sexist cowboy. Ty thinks that she made a mistake and that she’ll come to realize that. Probably not. G’bye, Ty!

Ed. Note: This episode was totally cut short by the fact that ABC aired the Jake and Vienna interview. And, boy, was that a shit show. I can’t really get into the details since that would take all day but suffice to say that Jake came off like a frightening, smug dickhead—like that creeper with the mustache in Sleeping with the Enemy. Vienna is annoying and vapid but this dude is frightening. Best line of the night goes to Chris Harrison: “We don’t care about the dog.”

Have we discussed Pretty Little Liars? I don’t think that we have. The point of shows like this is that they’re trial popcorn fun — the sort the throwaway fluff that makes you want to buy summer dresses and consider getting a blowout, but don’t do much more. But this one’s fun. It’s darker fare than usual summer (or ABC Family) programming and the actors (for the most part) are pretty good (although, I will admit that some are laughably atrocious.) And the premise — delightfully modern in its simplicity (teenage girls get snarky text message from a friend they thought was dead) — has enough punch to make you wonder what’s going to happen next week.

The story goes something like this: a group of five friends falls apart after one — the controlling, bitchy Queen Bee, Allison (A) — comes up missing. A year later they are brought back together when they begin receiving mysterious messages signed with the (newly discovered to be dead) girl. Threatening in tone and content, the messages warn the girls that all of their deepest, darkest secrets could be revealed. What’s truly genius about the concept is that it predicates upon the characters being teenagers. It’s perhaps the only time in a person’s life that the mere threat of revealing who they’ve been kissing, what their parents have been up to or whether or not they cheated on an exam is enough to make them scared of an enemy. I spend most of the episodes thinking to myself, “Why don’t these chicks just talk to each other? What would be so bad about revealing these secrets and eliminating the threat?” But then I remember that when you’re young, the revelation of who you are — your desires and actions — is as frightening as anything else. So who are our intrepid band of high-schoolers?

Aria: Played by Lucy Hale (Privileged) she’s the main protagonist. We’re supposed to believe that she has an independent streak because she used to have purple highlights in her hair and wears a lot of black lace shirts.

What A Has on Her: Last year Aria and A stumbled upon Aria’s dad making out with one of his students in a family Sedan. Thinking that she was protecting her family (and at the request of her father), Aria kept the secret the entire time — even as they packed up the whole troupe for a sabbatical in Iceland (yes, Iceland). After crossing A by unjustly not answering her texts, her family secret has been outted. The fallout is pretty devastating — but in subtly played ways — as the kids wrestle with the idea that mom and dad might not make it out of this mess.

Current Drama: Um, Aria is dating her teacher. This storyline almost makes me turn the show off every week, as it’s totally creepy and beyond unacceptable. He’s at least 22 and she’s 16. Sick. Gross. Ew. Also, A knows, so that should be interesting.

Emily: Played by Shay Mitchell (who was once on an episode of Degrassi!) she’s a hard-nosed athlete whose mother is religiously strict. She’s the most teenager-y in that she’s wrestling with the “Who am I?” question. She’s also totally pretty.

What A Has on Her: The new girl who moved into A’s old house seemed cool enough, so Emily made friends with her. But maybe she was a little too cool. The next thing Emily knew she was kissing her in a photobooth, breaking up with her boyfriend because of all of the confusion and grappling with the fact that if A has her way, the whole school will think she’s a lesbian.

Current Drama: There’s an entire side story about a blind girl named Jenna and her brother Toby that Emily is getting mixed up in. See, Emily is blind because of a little plan A cooked up that the girls went along with, but Toby got blamed. Now he’s back after a year in juvie and all of the girls are totally creeped out by his presence. Everyone except for Emily, who finds his quiet, brooding and accepting attitude comforting in her time of personal upheaval. Too bad she can’t tell her friends.

Spencer: Played by Troian Bellisario (who has the distinct honor of having guest starred on both JAG and NCIS), she looks a lot older than the other girl. A typical Tracey Flick-type, she lives in a big, rich house with her terrible, rich family and is expected to excel at everything. The inevitable breakdown should be fun to watch.

What A Has on Her: Feeling pressured to achieve at any cost, Spencer turned in one of her sister’s history papers as her own — and then won an award for it! She told the news to Daddy after he made her throw a tennis match in order to secure a client, but if officials find out, it could ruin her entire high school career.

Current Drama: Besides grappling with parental drama (she’s also mad at dad for getting her hot tennis partner fired from the country club) she’s also embroiled in a feud with her sister. See, big sis was engaged to a cute British guy until he kissed Spencer. It’s a pattern that seems to happen with all of this sister’s beaus and now the British guy keeps contacting Spencer and could tear her family even further apart.

Hanna: Played by Ashley Benson (Abby Deveraux on Days of Our Lives and Rebecca Romijn’s daughter on Eastwick) she’s probably my favorite character. She used to be a chubs but in an attempt to win her absentee father back and ascend the social ladder after the disappearance of A, she lost the weight and gained an attitude. She’s the Queen Bee now, but with a host of insecurities that flush her character out.

What A Has on Her: I mean, nothing really. Hanna seems to keep messing up but she also seems to keep getting caught. Anything that A might have outed is already public knowledge. It is sort of creepy that she has access to her home though, as evidenced by a lipstick message written on her mirror.

Current Drama: After her boyfriend refused to have sex with her, she crashed his car into a tree. Oops. So, she’s paying off the damages by working in his mother’s dental office. Nothing says, “I want to join the Abstinence Club with you, boyfriend” like donning scrubs and orthopedic shoes. While there, though, she discovers that Jenna (who is now wearing the same shade of lipstick found in Hanna’s house) is visiting a shrink--she may be getting in over her head. But her biggest problem is probably the cop who keeps sniffing around her trail, asking to know more about A. This guy can’t be good news.

The Stunning Goddess herself, Stephanie Pratt (Unlikely Voice of Reason) is rumored to be joining the cast of The City next year after The Hills wraps shooting for good. The internet is abuzz with whiney blah blahs about the show being potentially more fake if Stephanie were to join but I, for one, am in love with the idea. Here are the reasons why:

1. I like The City but it does have a tendency to be sort of boring. Remember the first season before Olivia came? God, if we’re going to have to resort to another Australian rocker as a villain, count me out.

2. Roxy and Stephanie used to be friends IRL, that is, before she jetted off to New York to make fake friends with Whitney. Drama between Steph and Roxy would be gold but if the girls join back up and rally against a newly villainized Whitney that would be platinum-plated diamond.

3. Remember when Stephanie Pratt got a job at People’s Revolution (after telling Kelly Cutrone that her biggest dream was to have a handbag line — no doubt the precipice for her move to NYC) and then she couldn’t even answer a phone and then Lauren had to fire her and then she and Kelly got into a verbal altercation at a party???? I do. Please, let’s have 13 episodes of that.

4. How could you not want this plump-lipped hot mess to be on your TV screen for another year? Heidi mirrors my feelings here.

Rescue Me is back and I think that more than Tommy Gavin has come back to life. Don’t get me wrong, I like this show. I think that it’s a winning blend of tender and funny with one of the best real life depictions of machismo on TV, but the storylines have become a little repetitive for my taste. Tommy can’t decide between Janet and Sheila? Wow, color me shocked.

But when we open on the story this season, something has changed. All of Tommy’s hard-wheeling ways have finally caught back up to him. Teddy, enraged at the death of his wife, has shot Tommy and left him to die on the bar floor. And die he does. In the back of an ambulance, Tommy loses his life and is suddenly transported to an ethereal hockey rink where his 9/11 compatriots are all gathered, heading toward the light. Jimmy’s there, which might shock a normal person, but Tommy’s been talking to this dead guy for years. They all head off to a bright, white light but instead of Utopian cloud fluff, Tommy gets thrown into a burning building with the charred faces of his would-be rescuees asking him why they weren’t saved. If this is hell, Tommy Gavin doesn’t want to be there, and with a jolt he’s back in the ambulance, come to life once again.

A shoulder surgery and time passed out in the hospital later, Tommy finds that the world around him has changed. Everyone he turned back into alcoholics are sober—except for his teenage daughter. She’s drinking gin straight from the glass even though it “tastes like gasoline” (sidenote: everyone knows that Everclear tastes like gasoline; gin tastes like pinetrees. Don’t be silly Rescue Me). The firehouse is in danger of being closed, Tommy’s sponsor is willing to kill him if he falls off the wagon, and Teddy has constructed Tommy some bullet infused cuff links to remind him that if the sponsor doesn’t get him first (for drinking, for hurting Janice, for screwing up at work) then he will. And he’ll aim to kill this time.

The end result is a sober Tommy for much of the episode. He’s obviously grappling with the impact that his life choices have had. Not only to himself — I mean, the man is probably going to hell should he actually die — but to the people around him. His firehouse is in shambles, his wife is unhappy, his mistress is seriously fucked in the head, his daughter is an alcoholic, his younger daughter is pouring him scotch neat, and his family thinks he’s a murderer. So, what can Tommy do but visit his God.

He sits in a pew staring at the crucifix contemplating (assumedly) all of the wrongs he has committed and the nature of forgiveness. Looking up he sees the good version of himself, a man who gets clean and makes his wife happy and doesn’t see his dead brother in every choice that he makes. In the end, Jesus isn’t even enough to help him and he begins again the worship of his true master — by taking a big swig of liquor. And although he seems to have chosen like the Tommy, it seems to me that there's something more grave in the choices that he makes now. That there's a possibility for a turn around. Because now, if Tommy doesn't choose to change, he'll actually lose it all.

And so it was: the episode in which Whitney’s incredible Hills and fancy fashion designer fame turned her into a raucous bitch. I’m not sure if this was put upon her by the producers — I bet at least in part that there was some poking and prodding on their parts since the Olivia-is-a-bitch cow has nearly been milked dry. But the emotions behind the eventual breakdown seem to be genuine. Let’s discuss how it all went down.

In Elle-land Joe is tasking Olivia with helping him select clothing for a Martha Stewart spot. They’re featuring five up-and-coming designers on the show and they’re missing one, so Olivia needs to go to a potential designer’s showroom and pick out some looks. This is a really important assignment, as the segment on Martha Stewart is a pretty big deal. When’s the last time you saw a 17-minute fashion segment on a nationally syndicated talk show? Never? Once on Oprah? You have a job and don’t watch television during the day? Well, it’s a pretty big deal for Erin, who garnered this whole segment deal and the City deal and was just type-A enough to write herself into the show. It’s so important to Olivia that she shows up to the meeting with nothing to take notes with. No pen. No paper. No iPad. When Joe Zee tells her that she ought to be writing all of this down she has the gall to ask him for a pen and paper. Then, when Joe Zee hands her one, the chick can’t even stand up to take it from him — she makes Erin pass it to her. I would commend her on her iron balls if I wasn’t so sure that she’s just self-involved enough to actually believe that she deserves to be waited on by everyone around her. Sometimes I wish for a zombie apocalypse just to watch people with this go down.

When she visits the designer’s showroom, she’s no better. No doubt, Olivia has impeccable style. She can wear a silk, women’s shirt with a cummerbund and an A-line pencil skirt like nobody’s business, and I will balk that there is no one else under 30 who I would rather see in pearls. But she has absolutely no ability to remove herself from her own personal sense of style. She can’t imagine anything but her own aesthetic being the end goal so she lazily infuses her own style into every job that she does. When meeting with the designer she does the same thing. He brings out models wearing flirty, young cocktail dresses. It’s perfect premiere-wear, things that could be easily tailored to a 20-something audience with multiple credit cards and sell really, really well. But Olivia doesn’t wear those kinds of dresses. She doesn’t do flirty hems and wouldn’t be caught dead in a color block dress. So, she spots something older and stuffier on the rack and makes the model walk up and down in that. It’s brilliant because she “loves menswear” and because it’s something that she would wear and because she gets to imprint her own opinion onto something else that’s going on without actually having done any work. Ugh.

The segment runs, Martha is awkward as all hell, she loves the look that Olivia chose and somehow that’s vindication. I mean, if there’s one thing that Martha Stewart is famous for, it’s her chic style. The only other thing of import that happens in this storyline is a deliciously creepy scene when Robby Myers turns to Martha Stewart and says, “You’re so beautiful,” and then just keeps staring at her with her Praying Mantis eyes. Ah-maze-ing.

The real meat of the episode, though, is the drama between Whitney and Roxy. “Working” in the People’s Revolution offices, the two are swooped down upon by a (perpetually) out of breath Kelly Cutrone. Really though, I think that this constant need to physically slow down is the best outward manifestation of her inner PR shark. Even more than her black tunics and power boots. She’s all-aflutter because Lights is in town and has just been robbed of their stage costumes and needs other clothes. This is a major emergency because Lights is a very important pop group with many fans and many albums and many tie-in deals with MTV. At least they’re popular in Canada. That’s something, eh.

Roxy is charged with getting the singer to wear some Whitney Eve pieces onstage at their big New York show. It seems simple enough, but then the singer comes waltzing in she looks like a bad Joan Jett impression. Getting her to wear lace aubergine leggings might be a bit of a stretch. Roxy does her best though, and after gravitating toward a rack of clothes that is obviously much more her style, Roxy pulls the only thing in Whitney’s whole line that might work — a black, leather jacket. It’s a miracle that it happens at all and when the concert goes on — there are so many people there! Why are they all there?! — Roxy really ought to be proud of herself. But then the unspeakable happens! That bitch of a singer comes out on stage, realizes that stage lights heat up the room about 30 additional degrees, and TAKES THE JACKET OFF!

Whitney just about blows a gasket. You can see her heavy bottom lip, so much heavier from the injustice of the moment, hit the ground. She’s had too much of this shit and she’s leaving. Backstage, after checking with the photographer to make sure that a photo with the jacket on came out (it did), she finds Whitney. Like a fame-hungry jackal she lashes out at Roxy. Why was there only a jacket?! How could she take it off?! Why is Roxy such a failure?! Whitney, you need to back the truck off.

The next morning Roxy brings Whitney tea. As if she’s the person who needs to be apologizing. After taking the tea Whitney starts laying into her again. Hey lady, we are not in Nuremburg. You can’t just point fingers with no kind of evidence. The girl tried to fight a losing battle for you and you’re treating her like this. The argument ends in Roxy saying that she wants to move out and we’re set up for a pretty dramatic episode next week.

The latest episode of The Hills was an elaborate dedication to the unparalleled douchbaggery of Mister Brody Jenner. And let me tell you, it is like some kind of mean, heart-breaking crack to watch a master manipulator at work amongst drunk, idiotic girls with no self-esteem.

The whole gang is heading to Costa Rica because, hey, why not?! Lo can’t make it because her job at Smashbox doesn’t offer consolidated vacation days but Stacey the bartender is there — bartending at an empty hotspot is very lucrative — and Frankie Delgado was actually already in Costa Rica. He stumbled out of Le Deux one night and just kept wandering, finally finding himself in a beachside jungle with a pet monkey named Brody and a new found appreciation for valet parking.

I have to hand it to MTV — these vacations have gotten much more elaborate (and no doubt expensive) as the years have gone on—this may be the best one yet. They have a private villa in what seems to be an all-inclusive resort that sits just feet away from their own private beach. Kristin Cavallari sees the spread as she makes the hike from the tiny airport and thinks to herself, “Who’s the successful one now, Lauren? How do you like them apples?!” Kristin is, in fact, very drunk (as always) and those apples are actually flying balls of monkey feces. Lauren Conrad made $12 million last year, honey, there’s no way that you can win.

Everyone piles onto the patio, and by everyone I mean all of the boys and Kristin because she’s still playing that game where she thinks that she’s “one of the guys” when in fact she’s just the sluttiest one and that’s why they keep her around, shot glass in hand. The point is proven a few moments later when conversation turns to which of the vacation-goers is going to hook up with another vacation-goer. Krisitn continues her producer-fed push to make Justin Bobby and Audrina happen again, but talk turns to Brody and Kristin banging. Brody point blank says in front of Krisitin that it will be her and she shrugs it off like he hasn’t just told a room full of people that she’s so emotionally fragile and dependent that she’ll continue to do whatever this asshole wants.

Stacey the Bartender and Krisitn have a nice chat while laying in mud pools in the ocean about how much Kristin thinks that Audrina is meant to be with Justin Bobby — she should know, she also used to sleep with him. She doesn’t, however, think that she is meant to be with Brody. Ugh. It doesn’t seem that way later in the night when, after what appear to be battery acid shots Kristin starts flirting with the gay bartender to make Brody jealous. Tip #1 in the Trying to Make Someone Jealous Arsenal: You can’t keep asking them if they’re jealous. You just look like a pathetic mess. Brody says something about her being able to hit on guys and that he’s “cruising for girls” (what the fuck does that even mean?!) because he thinks of her like a little sister. I’m suddenly very worried for the state of the younger Kardashian sisters. This upsets Kristin because she’s enmeshed in an unhealthy co-dependant relationship with Brody’s half-beard. She has a “heart-to-heart” with friend-who’-not-Charlie and decides that the best course of action is to bang out the gay bartender. Okay, Kristin. Let me know how that works out for you.

Elsewhere at the bar, Justin Bobby is acting a little strange for Audrina’s liking. Strange in terms of Justin Bobby has got to be something really out of this world, so I’m feeling Audrina’s pain. To make matters worse, he grabs her ass as he walks by her. Not one ass cheek but BOTH CHEEKS. That is just crossing the line! Audrina’s not playing JB’s games anymore — but at some point she was, and walking by to get a hand full of cheek was a successful come on. Classy.

The next day, all of the boys are surfing. Justin Bobby is “better than Brody and Charlie put together” which I think is probably akin to the same equation with “intelligent” in place of “good at surfing.” He’s like the Kellie Pickler of surfing. It’s a real dude party until the girls come and crash it on their ATV. They’re all riding on the same one with no helmet — a recipe for disaster if only MTV had the forethought to make the accident happen and get America back on its side. The girls arrive and pretend to surf while their tops fall off. They lay in each others’ laps and braid their hair and flash their vaginas but nothing seems to be getting the boys’ attention. I guess they forgot the cardinal rule in Douche Dating: Once you sleep with a gay bartender, no one else will touch your vagina. It’s like that thing with baby birds and falling out of their nests.

Later there’s a dinner with gay bartender (who looks more and more like Quasimodo) where Brody delivers the line of the episode, toasting to Kristin who’s like “his sister who he has sex with.” (Seriously, where are Kendall and Kylie? Are those kids okay?)

Justin Bobby has something important to tell Audrina so he throws on his serious beanie — the one with red and black stripes — and tells her that he can’t act normal around her because she has “baggage.” All of JB’s musings sound a little like, “It is what it is, you are how you was. The universe has. You know?” Then he smoulders and pets his chin pubes, and I don’t know. I really don’t know, Justin Bobby. Audrina doesn’t either. She’s annoyed that he refuses to treat her like a normal human being because with objectification and emotional gameplay, how do you even treat a woman?

It’s a sad flight home. Steph has to leave her legion of spider friends in Costa Rica, the gay bartender has to give up on his dreams of a three-way that includes Brody, Frankie got left behind once again — but that’s okay because he’s made friends in the jungle in his time there. (He also can “read the signs”, which would have been impressive had the signs not said things like “Waterfall, 4 miles” Even Kristin can read those, dude. And by the tone of her voice when she told you so, she cannot read much) Audrina never wants to go to Costa Rica again — at least not with Justin Bobby — and who can blame her? The guy looks like Stephen Dorff went skiing and became a homeless car mechanic all at the same time. Somewhere in the distance a Lauren Conrad collects residuals.

I’m just... I’m trying to process whatever the hell happened on The Bachelorette last night. Surely, it was the best evidence of why we watch television, but I also think that it may be a sign of the coming apocalypse. Isn’t that what the Bible said? Locusts, plague, red moon, insanely addictive reality show shit-storm presented in a family-friendly medium. I think that’s what it said — Leviticus was basically all about The Bachelotette.

The episode starts off with a bang, when Chris Harrison tells Ali that he has something that he needs to talk to her about. What could it be?! Is she being charged with manslaughter for leaving Kermit up there on that mountain? Is Kermit being charged with moose-slaughter for carving Ali’s face into the sides of their still steaming carcasses? Did Roberto’s STD test come back positive and all of the fun of this show is going to be sucked slowly out of our dear Ali’s soul? No. Chris Harrison received a phone call today from one of the Bachelor’s GIRLFRIENDS confessing that she was in fact dating one of the stunning lads and that she had been speaking to him throughout the process. He said it just like that. No slow build, no sugar-coated wording. Just a sure, swift stroke of truth and the bandaid was gone.

The news isn’t over, though. The girlfriend would like to speak to Ali on the telephone. So, Chris Harrison goes over to the wall phone in their Turkish hotel room and I suddenly remember that some people have phones that plug into the wall. Phones with cords and giant buttons and receivers. I feel so young again. Chris Harrison dials the number — I wish it had been a rotary phone, that he would have turned the wheel back and forth and said in a Peter Faulkner voice, “Here’s the deal, ‘ya see? I got Ali Fedotowsky next to me and she needs the truth so stick it to her straight.”— but that didn’t happen. Instead, he dialed the numbers (beep*boop*beep*beep*boop) and waited for an unusual amount of rings for someone to pick up. All the while Ali stands next to him, slack jawed and aghast, her bottom lip suddenly even heavier than it usually is. When the voice on the other end finally picks up, meek and mellow, it’s one of her former Bachelor castmates. They chit-chat about how the experience must be crazy and how it’s nice to hear a familiar voice, but really Ali’s just thinking that this bitch needs to get the show on the road.

What comes next is a strange sort of admission. This girl knows that one of the guys has a girlfriend and she knows this because she’s sitting with the girlfriend. She tells us it’s Justin, but we already know that because of her insanely annoying Canadian accent and the establishing shot of her house that said she was in Toronto. What’s the deal, ABC? Couldn’t spring for the good cameras to go all the way up to Canadaland? Ali begins to tense up when her contestant friend hands the phone over the girlfriend, and so do I. She looks like some kind of a terrifying version of a New Jersey porn star — like Danielle Staub and Amy Winehouse had a crazy night with a horse and nine months later this little lady popped out, all teeth and apologetic TV crying.

So then the chick vomits out the whole sob story of what happened. She and Justin have been dating for about two years, she knew that he was doing the show, she encouraged him to go on it because it would be a foot in the door into the entertainment industry for him. He told her that his goal was to make the top three, because then everyone knows who you are — Justin, honey, no one really cares about The Bachelorette — but then it all changed. About two weeks after his leaving, Horseface found out that Justin had ANOTHER girlfriend, one that he had been dating for a few months. She’s telling Ali all of this because she knows now that things are getting serious and that it’s not fair for her to get too far into the lie. That’s a big steaming pile of dogshit — I think that there are other reasons for her finally squawking — maybe the two of them planned to drop the bomb at some point, thinking that he might be going home anyway (it certainly seems fishy that someone previously associated with the show was somehow in on the whole ruse). At any rate, Ali was not in on it and she seems to be out for blood. She begins barking demands at poor Chris Harrison: Where is Justin? Do the other men know? Why couldn’t the weatherman have predicted this storm? BRING ME THEIR HEADS!!!! No wire hangers!!!

I don’t know about you guys, but I like this Ali. She seems rejuvenated and a little unhinged and it’s just always great to be able to see people realistically reacting to nonsense on reality shows. She goes stomping down the hotel hallway, out for vengeance with poor, sweet Chris Harrison tagging alone after her. She knocks on the boys’ suite and Lawyer guy answers the door, surprised at the presence of Chris Harrison. My boyfriend comments that this show would be much different if it were Chris Hanson and I chuckle to myself.

So, here it is. Ali gathers all of the guys together and right there, in front of everyone, starts in on a tirade so full of sassy teenage venom I felt like I was being infused with bitch energy just by watching. She begins, "You know I know that this process has been hard for everyone — especially for you, Justin, since you have a girlfriend." BAM! Justin just sits there, sort of dumbfounded, and replies with the exhaustively insipid, "Really?" while a Grinch-like half-smirk creeps across his face. This dude is so horrifyingly mean that he's actually getting pleasure out of embarrassing this girl on national TV.

But satisfaction aside, it's all too much for Rated X, so he hobbles back and forth through the hallway, literally running through the rooms like a little child. He grabs his passport and his wallet because "that's all he needs" and Roberto takes this opportunity to comfort Ali by creepily rubbing her thigh. If ever there was an appropriate time for a televised inner thigh rub, it was probably this moment. Ali excuses herself to go talk to Rated X and he just hobbles down the hallway, running away from her. A few P.A.'s scuttle out of the camera shot and the chase goes all the way down to the courtyard of the hotel. I really want this whole thing to be sped up and infused with old timey video grain and Busby Berkeley chase music. All the while, the rest of the guys watch the fiasco from the window of the hotel room. Boy, is this good television.

The scene below is comically futile for poor Rated X. He keeps running away from Ali and she keeps catching up with him, like some kind of speed-resistant slasher flick serial killer. He tries futilely to gain entrance to the hotel restaurant, but some small Turkish waiter holds the doors closed and wags his finger "No. No falafel for you." This gives Ali enough time to catch up to him and attempt the injustice of touching his shirt. "DON'T TOUCH ME!," he bellows, and suddenly you're seeing the facade of family-loving Justin drop and some sort of mean, Canadian monster come out. He walks through some planters and over a waterfall with his boot — like, seriously hobbles his broken ass over a water installation just to get away from the crumbling mess of his master plan.

When he finally returns, no doubt prodded by producers, he's full of excuses. He has strong feelings for Horseface, but who could tell if it was love. He NEVER contacted her, but the montage of phone messages he left while on the show — played over him hobbling away from the hotel — tells a different story. I really can't recall a reality program so shamelessly belittling someone appearing on the show. I could watch this all day long.

The rest of the episode happens, and frankly, it's all pretty boring compared to this mess. Ali has one-on-ones with cowboy Ty (whose face is just a little off) and Frank (whose trepidation about the process is probably exactly how most normal people would react to having to watch a girl they're dating make out with a bunch of other dudes), but in the end the Lawyer, the only guy I would actually date on this show, has to go. Because he's a nice guy with average looks and that's just not enough for our fair Ali. As she told Rated X, she's here to find her husband. She's serious about it. As serious as a Roberto inner thigh rub.

If you haven’t been watching Persons Unknown, you probably should. As I’ve said before, summer mystery series are one of my favorite things on television. They’re perfect popcorn TV — when done right they keep you guessing for the whole summer. But then, the guessing is gloriously over in about three months and we don’t have to deal with ridiculous story lines after a reveal (i.e. Desperate Housewives) or ridiculous story lines leading up to an unsatisfying reveal (i.e. Lost). Really though folks, this one’s pretty fun and it’s only three episodes in — plenty of time to get caught up!

When last we found our hodge podge band of kidnapees, they were attempting with little success to escape whatever hell hole they had mysteriously found themselves in. When we pick back up, they’re trying yet again. Digging a hole underneath the city (and hoping to bypass the microwave fence preventing them from leaving) they’re exhausted after the week of teamwork. Then they hit something. It seems like it’s a metal wall — a pretty intrepid undertaking but nothing too out of the ordinary considering the scope of the prison they’re in. But it’s more than a wall. Its vents open to reveal slit-like openings and before anyone has an opportunity to inspect the new discovery, it starts spewing out gas. Frantic to escape, everyone stumbles out of the hole, nearly leaving Janet behind.

So, that dastardly plan has been thwarted but there are still things that they can do to escape. Perhaps finding a way out isn’t the solution. Perhaps they need to find a way to bring rescue to them. So, the kidnapees run about town, gathering anything and everything they can find to make themselves a giant bonfire. But nothing lights on fire. It appears that everything, literally everything, has been doused in some kind of flame retardant element. That sucks. But just as all hope looks to be lost they see a helicopter flying overhead. Janet’s the only one smart enough to find something reflective to flash at the pilot, and the 'copter begins to come low. Too low. It hovers for a while and finally lets a package drop.

Back in San Francisco-land, douchey reporter dude is, apparently, back on the case. I don’t really think that they’ve done a very good job of flushing out what his motives are and why he would defy so many death threats to find out who this kidnapped mother is. He returns home only to find his things strewn about and a PI sitting in his chair, pointing a gun at him. He tells him to stay away from the story and steals all of his evidence. But additional death threats and beat downs are no match for this dude’s reporting instinct. He breaks into the PI’s office, steals all of his evidence and peruses his email. He finds emails from both Janet and from Janet’s mother — both looking for Janet’s husband. There’s also a phone number listed for an off-shore bank deposit of $10,000. He calls the number only to be met by the same static that Janet met when she was attempting to speak with her daughter. Then the creepy starts, he gets a call on his cell phone with the same static. The next real world scene we get is of the PI approaching a cop with a huge clue in the Janet kidnapping — the identity of her elusive husband. When his photo is revealed, it’s none other than our intrepid reporter! So, is this a set-up to get him off of the scent? Is he really interested in the case for ulterior motive we could have never imagined? This is why we need to keep tuning in!

Back in Nowhereland, population 15 (give or take), the box drop has been, erm, dropped and the helicopter flies away, all hope with it. As the group approaches it, it explodes open. Inside are canisters for each of them. Most are empty, but three have gas masks inside. Considering the gassing that they’ve just been treated to, the masks are at a premium. Needless to say, there’s a lot of infighting for possession. Janet blah blahs about how she has to get back to her daughter and Cameron retorts that he also has a sob story about his terminally ill wife — shouldn’t he be getting a mask, too? I agree, what the hell is with this lady and her kid? It seems to be a lot of unfounded anger. She gets even more angry later, when she's trying to enjoy a nice tub of ice cream in Ye Olde Soda Shoppe and she finds paintings of her daughter and mother enjoying banana splits. Unhinged, she races to the mental patient lady and threatens her with a bottle of scotch. It’s all very strange and I have a feeling that there’s something major that we haven’t been told about her stories.

With only three masks and the omnipresent threat of gassing, the rest of the troupe goes stomping off to look for make-shift protective gear. Car salesman guy gets all creepy on Blondie, and she reacts by kicking his ass. Hmmm, where the hell did she learn all of those take down moves? Speaking of Car Salesman, he sees a video in a storefront television screen of Cameron smothering his wifey. Looks like these people have a lot more secrets than we know about.

While all in the hotel lobby, the conspicuous gassing begins and there's a frenzied search for protection but, in my opinion, not enough of a frenzied search for escape. Car salesman guy steals Cameron's mask from him. The night (and now day) manager locks his own door behind him and blondie goes after him. But then something strange starts happening. After a few moments of frenzy, a few of the people with brains realize that nothing is actually happening to them. The gas isn't toxic. But something else is. The gas masks begin to fill with some sort of green gas and Janet's the only one fortuitous enough to pry them open with a letter opener. Crisis averted.

After all of that (and a little more character development--like mental patient lady saying that she purposefully stayed in the institution because she felt safe there) Marine dude and Janet receive a bowl of fortune cookies and instead of playing the sick little game, they throw them in the trash. Something tells me that this isn't going to work out very well.