The cast includes white girl, other white girl, white guy, annoying white guy, fat white girl, black dude hell-bent on shirking his "ghetto" past. So, um, it's kind of like politicians actually moving to Washington except every hot tub party and make-out with a gay dude will be caught on tape.
In the grand tradition of the Real World pattern, this season is going to be force fed drama; it'll be the kind of drivel that producers and producers alone thought up. No real life learning situations (abortion on L.A., transgender communities on Brooklyn or rehab on Hawaii and Hollywood) or legitimate drama borne of pressure-cooker boiling points (racially charged arguments on New York and Back to New York, Brooke's crazy-time on Denver), not even the sexually charged STD-only zone that will surely mark--and mire--my generation (Las Vegas, Denver, Cancun). Nope, it's going to be a San Diego. Or a Chicago. Or a Philidelphia...ugh.
In the first episode we meet the cast; here they are:
ANDREW
Mr. Try Hard. This dude is like that guy who runs around the party wearing a funny hat and pulling down his pants and saying incendiary things for no other reason than to say incendiary things. And to get attention. And to prove that Mommy and Daddy didn't need to love him, he can find love all on his own.
The guy's supposed to be "the funny one" but his jokes are stale and weak. He's aiming for kitsch and falls somewhere between cheese and annoyance. I see in the previews that he falls off of a ledge sometime in the future. That's too bad. Maybe it'll shut him up.
ASHLEY
This is Ashley and she likes to crimp her hair. She also LOVES Barack Obama for seemingly no other reason than it's cool to like Barack Obama. She also likes to argue. She's also from Texas. Now that I'm putting these facts together I've realized that Ashley just wants something to rail against. I wish she would start with her crimper.
CALLIE
Observe: the rare breed in The Real World. The Fat Girl. To be fair, Callie is MUCH more representative of the actual real world where fatties abound and people have imperfections. So, in the vein of being happy that there are actual real people on The Real World, I will not even make fun of her.
EMILY
Emily used to be in a crazy Christian cult which gives her a pretty insane outlook on the world. Since leaving the sect she's experimented with bisexuality and LOVES giant black dudes. She's also not too keen on God. That's all I really know about her. Identifying feature: A "there's a piece of food on your face" mole.
ERIKA
Look at that rocker chick. Look at those earrings and red lipstick and ever-present scarf. And she has tattoos!!! Only legit rocker chicks can get tattoos! There's like a secret handshake you have to know to get into the tattoo parlor. That handshake may be $100 and an hour of your time (as I learned bent over a chair, pants at my knees as I got a giant pointless trampstamp at 19), so I'm growing ever wary about her legitimacy as a rocker chick. She did sing some song on the first day that rhymed and had a terrible trite metaphor in it--it was an original. I think I hate her the most.
JOSH
DOUUUUCCCHHHHHEEE! This guy has a jheri curl AND a fade out. HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE??? His dangling cross earrings remind my of Ricky Vasquez and he walks into the house with a fang necklace and a scarf on. OMGOOSE HE IS A BLOGGER'S DREAM!!! Step down though ladies, he's taken.
MIKE
Can we just discuss those eyebrows. God doesn't make eyebrows look like that, He loves us. So, why would you do that to your face???? Simple rules people, they begin perpendicular to the eye and end at an angle intersecting the edge of your eyeball and nose. It's math, suckers. Now, for the love of all things good and just, stop plucking!!! Mike is bi. Or gay. He's not sure and I don't care but I'm looking forward to the drama.
TY
Oh hey, token minority. How you doin'? Ty's big mark was made on the first day as he argued with Ashley over religion. Everyone knows you don't bring up politics, religion, college sexual history, tipping etiquette or family secrets over dinner. He refers to the neighborhood that he grew up in as "like The Wire". I refer to his typecasting as "totally gratuitous".
