The Bachelorette headed off the Iceland this week, proving that a whirlwind romantic tour ought not include cold climates. Everyone is so bundled up in parkas and peacoats that only their personalities are left to shine. It's really more of a dull glow. The weather also highlights the fact that 3/10 dudes you know bought those Russian bear hats last year, and they look like idiots when they’re standing together. Task #1 for the guys is to write Ali a love poem. So, off the men go, careening through the streets of Rychavichlandbjork and asking unsuspecting Icelanders how to say “I’m here for Ali.” Hey guys, you know what’s hilarious? Americans butchering other languages! Oh, the rest of the world, why do you even bother?
The guys perform their poems: Kirk’s is pretty good and it seems like he’s learned from last week’s Roberto-moment-of-genius and instead of screaming into the wind, walks up to Ali and recites the words of love. Frank’s is also decent, but when he walks up right after Kirk walked up, he looks like a cheap, Chinatown knock-off. Rapey Eyes, who I’d previously forgotten about until this episode forgets his lines (like, he literally says, “I forgot my lines", which makes the meta-scripting of this show sort of apparent for a split second and makes me laugh inside with glee). But although Rapey Eyes shares a facial feature with Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, he does not share the same acting ability. Not to be outdone in the “making the viewer uncomfortable” category, Kermit the Frog recites his love sonnet and boy, is it unrecognizable as the English language. To be fair, I’m sure he saw what all of the other boys were doing and sweatshirt wrapped around his neck like a babushka, but without headwear (because that would mess up his hair), he too ventured off into the Icelandic wilderness to frighten them with his voice and get another tattoo on an unnamed body part. And I’m sure somewhere in there he recited the Icelandic words for “protect and guard” but in the end they needed to subtitle him and it seemed that he ended the poem with something about her chest. I realize that this is the set-up episode for his leaving and that Ali should probably be sleeping with one eye open, but I’m gonna miss old Kermie.
Kirk wins the date and they go shopping for sweaters. It’s one of those scenes in reality television that bugs the crap out of me, where the person “looking for love” waxes poetic about how awesome the person who they’re on a date with is, simply because they’re easygoing or fun or have a sense of humor. These aren’t difficult-to-find qualities. They’re prerequisites, like having limbs and disliking Nickleback. Ali feels like Kirk’s “holding something back” (2010 candidate for most overused reality TV phrase) and I start salivating that he has some sort of a secret past as a female circus entertainer. Alas, he just has some pseudo sob-story about living in a shitty house in college that made him sick. Ali thinks that it explains why he’s so positive but I’m just wondering why living in a cheap house in college that gives you colds while simultaneously experiencing nights where your legs feel numb makes you a survivor. If I had a nickel for every time I paid rent in a house that no human should be living in and drank so much I experienced psychosomatic paralysis, I could probably buy myself a rose. It was certainly worth that for Kirk, who will be around for another week.
When the list for the group date comes to the house, everyone but Kermit the Frog and Rated X are named, setting the end of the episode up for the epic show down between the two most caricature-worthy dudes in the house. But in the meantime, Ali goes out with a whole gaggle of dudes, including my boyfriend Frank, the balding lawyer, cowboy Ty, Rapey Eyes, Roberto and the other one. Ty seems poised to win the rose given that the group is riding on horses and he’s a cowboy. God, I know they keep my office at approximately 37 degrees, but I’m getting cold just thinking about horsing around in that barren wilderness. Worst. Date. Ever. So, it comes as no surprise that when they finally reach the destination: a hot spring, that everyone strips down to their bathing suits faster than you can say, “I can’t believe he threw me under the bus.” Ali tells Frank that she feels like he’s not pushing his way to the front enough, and really, he isn’t. Probably because the idea of competing for a female like she’s a free t-shirt in a bar is perturbing.
Then the whammy happens. Rated X and Kermit head up in a helicopter with Ali to overlook the majestic snow and mountains of snow and flurrying snow and a FUCKING VOLCANO! Iceland is freaking me out, guys. They drop down and explore an ice cave with ice furniture and they call it “so cool” and the wrestler (now being referred to as “the wrestler” by Frank…lol) has his cast off so he’s feeling extra walk-y. It all looks very cold to me and it’s the worst kind of torture to make these people do their one-on-one’s sitting in the fucking snow. Not even Kermit deserves this. So, Rated X talks some Canadian and then it’s just Kermie and Ali and his tattoo and the snow and the volcano and perhaps some caribou or whatever mammals live in Iceland. Ali says that all he has to do is “be normal” which is actually kind of genius, but this is a frog we’re talking about. When he finally takes his gloves off to really tell Ali how he feels there’s still a small part of me that thinks he might be going in for the strangulation, but he ends up showing her the tattoo — its 11 studs for the 11 studs competing for her heart, the heart for her heart, the lock for his protection, and the dry skin and scabs to represent whatever grows in his throat to make him sound like that. Ali just stares straight ahead thinking, “This is how it ends. On an Icelandic volcano, my breath slowly being stripped from me by a crazed man who seems to always be underwater.” The Frog King goes on about how he hopes he can show it to his wife someday and I think he might be talking about the ladies he keeps stuffed and posed in his basement; they’re going to love the tattoo. The crazy’s just too much and Ali chooses Rated X, resulting in Kermit being left on the mountain, never to be seen again.
Back at the mansion, or whatever, the guys are getting one last chance to impress Ali, as there’s still one more of them going home. The lawyer is funny! And charming! And draws a tattoo on his wrist so that Ali can laugh about that whole debacle instead of waking up 17 times a night, checking her closet! But, he’s also balding and average-looking so I’m thinking he’ll go home next week. To contrast, there’s Rapey Eyes, who talk with Ali goes something like this:
Ali: Tell me something about yourself I wouldn’t know.
RE: My ex-girlfriend used to always say, “You’re so funny.”
And that would have been actually funny had his stilted delivery and tangible awkwardness been intentional.
Ali: What’s your biggest vice?
RE: I really like…Mexican food.
WATCH OUT EVERYBODY, THERE’S A GUY ON THE LOOSE WHO ENJOYS CHIMICHONGAS!!!
Spoiler Alert: He goes home. But Ali, that hug seemed so warm and natural!
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