Stop Staring at that Box, You'll Ruin Your Eyes

True Blood was, er… odd last night. Turns out, vampire sex makes me really, really uncomfortable. But there were plenty of normal moments in the episode too, at least normal for True Blood. Here’s what the people in Bon Temps have been up to:

Jason: Ever since he “got himself a drug-dealer” last week, it seems that Jason has found a new calling in life — being a police officer. Two things are alarming about this off the bat: first, Jason will follow a cause with the drop of a hat — remember his months spent converting to a crazy Christian cult? And secondly, he’s dropping one too many, “I can do this better than Andy Belfleur”’s for my comfort. It looks as though the vindictive, little-boy-hurt part of Jason is coming out and I don’t like it one bit. But we’ll probably be seeing more of it, as the only way that this idiot is going to bypass the deputy test is to cheat his way into the police department.

Tara: After punching the shit out of some rednecks, we find Ms. Suicide herself holed up in a nasty hotel room having some kind of insane sex with the mysterious English vamp who helped her get revenge for Eggs — you know, the one who’s also been nosing around Beel’s house. After some tantric nonsense, an almost bite (retracted because she “wanted it”), and a little bit of pillow talk, Tara gets freaked out by the fact that Vampy wants to know personal shit about her, so she runs out of the room and back to Merlotte’s to work a bartending shift. After serving Jason a drink — and getting confused by his ever-increasing (seemingly) displaced guilt — she gets a call about Eggs’ funeral going on. She shows up, only to find out that she’s the only person in all of Bon Temps to come to the burial. I guess people just don’t care enough to send serial killers off into the next life. But who paid for all of this? “I did,” says Sookie after walking out of the shadows in another pastel sundress. Best friend makeup time! Come live with me again! Okay! Blah, blah, hugandblah! The most interesting part of the Tara-sode comes when Vampy pays a visit to the Stackhouse home and charms his way into an invite. He wants to know all about Sookie and we want to know all about him.

Jessica: Poor, beautiful Jessica. Turned so young and so dumb. Wondering where her dead body has gone, she seeks guidance from the only other vampire she knows — Pam. But Pam is otherwise disposed at the time, fang-deep in that Estonian’s who-ha. Not only will this chick let Eric bang her out for 12 hours but she’ll let those chompers near her nether regions? Sweet Jesus, she’s a masochist. So, here she is. Without help and confused and who comes along but good ‘ol Vampy. He just saunters into the Compton mansion and Jess laments not knowing that a vampire can barge into any vampire home that he wants to — it’s humans whose residences he’s protected against. Acting props go to: Jessica, for playing the next scene like a dumb little girl instead of a dumb little girl trying to hide something. When Vampy asks her if anyone in her life has gone missing she replies that yes, her maker Beel Compton has, and it isn’t a bit of a rouse. She’s just too dumb for that. Beel isn’t exactly who Vampy was referring to, and he proves it by pulling the dead guy’s head out of a paper bag. See, his job is to “find things,” and since he’s done something to help her, she owes something to him. What does he want? He wants to know all about Beel Compton, and this chick starts spilling the beans like she’s in a Lucy episode. Vampy is the best thing to come into Bon Temps for quite some time.

Sookie: We get to find out what happens with the whole Eric/werewolf showdown! Sookie fires her gun at the wolf and Eric throws himself in front of the bullet to ensure that this dude can talk. But as soon as he starts bleeding, the wolf smells his blood and starts going rabid for V. He attacks Eric’s bullet wound like a frenzied addict and Eric can barely fight him off. It takes a bullet from Sookie’s gun to put him down, and even then Eric isn’t interested in trying to extract any information from him. He wants to kill him while he has the chance. After burying the assassin — the two has so much more chemistry than she and Beel!—Sookie wants to know who Jackson might be. Eric informs her that Jackson was referring to a place, not a person, as evidenced by the “obvious” Mississippi accent. It’s a funny aside that’s an obvious reference to the God-awful accents on this show — chief among them, Sookie’s. But this piece of information is just too much for our intrepid Sookie to told hold onto and do nothing about. Eric, knowing that she’s an idiot, tells her not to go, but she’s a big dummy and he knows that his words are falling on deaf ears so he sends her someone to act as a bodyguard. Alcide! He’s a werewolf whose family owes Eric money and he’s dreamy in that Olivier Martinez kind of way. Thus begins the roadtrip adventure to Jackson, where Alcide takes Sookie to a werewolf bar. It has wolves painted everywhere and people are wearing leather (except Sookie, who’s in a white sundress and "looks like lunch”) and God, do they love pool! Basically, werewolves have blended into human society by disguising themselves as bikers. Turns out there’s a whole new pack/old pack rivalry going on, with classy hunk Alcide being part of the less violent older crowd and the dudes who try and ravage Sookie and some guy who stole Alcide’s gf being part of the new. More shirtless werewolves, please.

Sam: After coming back from his near deadly run with little bro, Sam decides that it’s time to get back to Merlottes — leaving it in the hands of trigger happy Daddy-to-be (actually, that’s not his baby after all) Terry and V-mogul Lafayette probably isn’t the best business decision — and his trash family has mixed feelings. So Mommy, Daddy and jealous little bro make a road trip down to Bon Temps and end up taking trays full of shots before Sam kicks their drunk asses out of the bar. Something tells me this isn’t going to end well for the newly reunited family. At night, Sam’s security system is triggered (Sam really is the smartest person on this show) and he walks into his ransacked office only to find a mysterious bird flying away. Being the only shifter on the block was so much easier than this.

Beel: When last we saw our faithful Confederate soldier, he had just thrown an oil lamp at maker Lorena. This didn’t do much to take care of his problem, but she did look pretty awesome burnt to a crisp in charred, black riding crops. The King’s husband is freaking out because his rug from the 13th century has been ruined and I LOVE this queen. Vampire life be damned, there soot on the rug! The King reveals to Beel that he is currently doing Lorena’s bidding — hinting strongly that that bidding includes bodily harm to Sookie Stackhouse — but that he’d rather have Beel in his arsenal. Still thinking it over, Beel flashes back to three years after he was turned. He went to visit his wife and children, only to find that his son had been taken by small pox, his daughter sent away and his wife in shambles. This is all too much and Beel is overcome with emotion, causing him to cry tears of blood, which freaks the wifey out just a bit. After calling him the devil and a demon and various other names, Lorena comes sweeping in, telling Beel that the line between the human and vampire world must stay separate and that pain can only come from a blurring. She commands him to force her to forget that he was ever there and presumably leave forever. This memory reminds him that he has caused innumerable pain to Sookie too, and he pledges his allegiance to the King of Mississippi. Lorena is pissed when she finds out that Sookie is not to be harmed and hurls a bunch of insults at Beel. This precipitates the weirdest scene I’ve ever witnessed on television. I can’t even bear to type it out, but it involves violent copulation, Exorcist-esque head twisting and professions of love.

And that was True Blood.