It’s that time again, guys! The Real World is back for installment # 678 (now with more herpies!) and they’re returning to old haunt New Orleans because where else are they going to go? Orlando? St. Louis? Guam? Remember the original Real World: New Orleans? I do, and I feel really fucking old. I loved super gay Danny and his pixelated-face boyfriend in the Army. Isn’t it nice to see that after all this time Don’t Ask Don’t Tell has been repealed and…oh, what?...it’s still in effect. Huh, that seems like the slowest civil rights movement ever. So, there was hot gay Danny and crazy Morman Julie and Melissa who stripped and inspired me to make little paintings with animals wearing scarves on them, and there was also David of da-bo-dee-blah-bo-dah fame and that was possible the best thing to happen on reality television ever. So new kids, you’ve got a lot to live up to. Can they do it? Here are my initial thoughts based on the totally unscientific and judgmental process of reading about them on MTV.com and Vevmo.
Knight: His name is actually Ryan Knight but like all awesome people and/or douchebags he goes by his last name. He used to be a collegiate and semi-professional hockey player (who wracked up A LOT of penalty time) but then he got injured and done got addicted to pain killers. Lest we believe that MTV was responsible in any way, shape or form, they’ve placed a recovering addict with anger issues on Bourbon Street.
Defining Features: Gap between two front teeth, bro hair.
Most Likely To: Get into an ill-fated relationship with a roommate.
Jemmye: Without fail, every year they give me someone with a ridiculous name to blog about. This chick is from Mississippi and she does not give a fuck about what the culture down there thinks! She loves gays! She smokes weed! She dates black dudes! I’ll sum up her bio for you — she’s a ho. The most interesting/disturbing part is this: "She enjoys casual sex with no commitment… Jemmye frequently discusses the intimate details of her sex life with her mom.” Defining Features: Tattoos, Vagina tattoo.
Most Likely To: Slut it up with roommates and locals alike.
Eric: Look at those eyes. Look at those mf-ing eyes! Dude is hot. He works for the state, traveling around the world to do whatever-it-is-that-he-does and also does stand-up comedy at night. His bio says that he’s a “ladies man” and a message board poster referred to him as “fairly well-spoken”, so there’s your free piece of racism for the week.
Defining Features: Did I mention those eyes?
Most Likely To: Romance one too many ladies and piss me off.
Sahar: This chick is a Muslim from Deerborn, Michigan which is kind of like saying that she’s an Irish Catholic from Boston. She’s also a “singer and actress” who goes by the moniker “Hollywood” and who was in the International Thespian Society in high school. Basically, she sucks. A lot. I’m sure that I will dislike her with all of the fury that I did Ayiiiiiiiiia.
Defining Features: Gross mole above her lip, grating overconfidence.
Most Likely To: Talk about her political and religious affiliations while making herself look like the exact opposite of everything that these represent.
Ashlee: Jesus Christ, can we stop with these vowels already? This is the ugly one, and in this cast, that’s saying something. She’s an “athlete” which means that they cast her on this season so that she can compete on Challenges. She was the captain of her D1 basketball team, so I’m not going to take that athlete label all that seriously. In her bio she claims that, yes, her lips are real and I would hope to god so, because those things are not cute.
Defining Features: Fish Lips, Tacky “Going Out” Clothes, Body type of a Lumberjack.
Most Likely To: Start fights because she’s not getting any attention.
Preston: He has a hyphenated last name and wears bowties a lot. He also had a crack-head mommy and is fabulously gay so I’m a bit worried about there just being random screaming matches after too many Margatinis. Here’s the other thing: why can we never just have two black dudes on this show? Why does one have to be flamboyant so that the other can choose not to hang out with him? Would the MTV world explode if two black men bonded?
Defining Features: Bowties, Wire-rims, Tight Pants, Bulge.
Most Likely To: Get in a wagging-finger-in-your-face fight.
McKenzie: In a feeble attempt to appear “different” this chick stuck a sandstar in her hair. A sandstar. Who the f do you think you are? Brooke Shields? Her facebook and MTV profile paint her as a pseudo-hippie. Unfortunately for her, that’s my least favorite type of person. She was also in Delta Delta Delta and has lived in the same small, Florida town her entire life. Welcome to The Real World annoyingly-spelled name girl. You’re about to be scarred for life. If you want to be annoyed, take a look at her tumblr.
Defining Features: Long mermaid hair, sea creatures used as hair pins.
Most Likely To: Lose her religion.
Ryan: What a special flower this kid is. The previews show him being annoying and his roommates ostrasizing him. His bio tries really hard to prove to us that he’s “unique”and that his OCD and ADHD are to blame for his neuroses. I say that a dude who not only seeks out hair styling as a profession but gives himself those tresses is just asking for it. The interwebs tell me that he’s in a band with that Brittany chick who won Paris Hilton’s BFF and was her fake friend for awhile so it seems that he runs with famewhores. Hooray!
Defining Feature: Haircut that looks like a comic book drawing, smirk on his face.
Most Likely To: Create superficial drama.
So, there you have it. I leave you with pictures of the tacky, tacky house — where decorators thought that beads were a fair replacement for actual taste. Also, dead foliage.
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