Stephanie has a second date with that lacrosse player dude who looks like a turtle, and to make it as non-awkward as possible, they decide to eat dinner at her apartment. Oh, Stephanie’s apartment. Remember when Heidi kicked Spencer out and he just sort of lazed around Stephanie’s apartment and acted like a dickhead? Remember Spencer? Gosh, he was a real character, wasn’t he? So, anyway there’s salad that Steph refuses to eat because she “knows how it was made” (what does that even mean?!) and the nice guy brings Girl Scout cookies. It’s actually pretty cute. That is, until the guy starts talking about hanging out with his brother and Stephanie chimes in with the fact that she has a brother too — in a wistful sort of voice that makes their days of visiting Nana seem oh, so long ago. (BTDubz, reports say that no one ever visits Nana anymore and that she’s totally bereaved about it, sitting there on her floral couch, thinking longingly of Heidi's golden weave.) She spills the beans that they haven’t talked at all in about five months and that ever since she got her DUI, it’s been all downhill. It all comes spilling out of her mouth like a stinking hot puke pile. I get that she doesn't want to feel like she's lying to the boy but this is your first one-on-one date, he doesn’t need to know every damn thing about you.
Later she talks to Lo about how she just isn’t ready, and that it would probably be more healthy for her to find someone who is also sober to date anyhow. I guess that makes sense, but isn’t this girl constantly out at the clubs? Isn’t that endangering her sobriety?
McKaela goes out to lunch with Ali and they have a talk about whether or not the “intense” rumors are true — god, that’s such a producer thing to write. Real life people don’t say that shit is intense. They say that it’s insane or confusing or batshit crazy. Anywho, Ali responds with an explanation that Brody in fact let her into the house and he was totally worried about the ring that she lost. It doesn’t sound like the tale that she told in the last episode and she’s legit starting to look a little crazy. But now that Spencer and Heidi are gone, I suppose that crazy is just what we need on this show.
This is also the episode where MTV makes Audrina break up with Ryan Cabrera. It all starts when all of the crew is up in the club, and who walks in but Justin Bobby. Ryan gets all uncomfortable, probably because the rest of the girls are acting like wild banshees who have just won the drama golden ticket. Audrina’s acting a little uncomfortable too — like maybe she’s been caught somehow? Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but this chick looks a whole like a classic ho whose sidepiece just walked into the restaurant she’s at with her boyfriend. JB is “looking good” according to Kristin and Stacey the Bartender. I think he looks like a homeless Jawa. That’s right—I just used a Star Wars reference.
He shakes Audrina’s hand and it’s really awkward, but then the really interesting part happens. Justin Bobby starts talking about Ryan Cabrera as if he’s gotten some kind of a tattoo in Hell’s Kitchen and now he’s the protector of his heart. He compares himself to Ryan, calling him “another rocker guy” and talking about the “rock lifestyle. It’s laughable on both counts. Look, Ryan Cabrera’s sub-pop brand of acoustic nothingness really ought not to be referred to as rock music and you Justin Bobby, are not even legitimate enough to be able to receive a label. He goes on and on about how Audrina went through too much with him and how she “doesn’t deserve that anymore.” Anymore?! So, she deserved it before? The best part of the whole thing is when JB tries to act like some sort of chivalrous gentleman and shake Ryan’s hand and Ryan hold true to his high-five edict from earlier in the season by saying, “I high five.” Justin Bobby does NOT high-five. Who the fuck do you think he is? Are you aware that he owns a custom-built motorcycle? So, like many great polititians of lore, Ryan counters with a compromise: the “high fist bump.” Fucking genius.
Ryan decides that they should leave soon because the whole thing is awkward and he just wants to spend time with his girlfriend. That seems sensible to me, but not to Audrina. Her moral compass has told her that wanting to leave a drama tornado was totally a pussy move. This was his chance to stand his ground! He should have stood up for himself! God, remember how much of a dreamboat Justin Bobby was? This stability and respect thing is just so unexciting! I want to get on the back of that bike again! The last straw for A was seeing Ryan whine to her in concert with some “You Came Into My Life and Suddenly I Started Shitting Tulips” song. She asks, “Can you tell that I’m crying with my sunglasses?” Stephanie responds, “Yeah, kind of. Your lips.” You know who wouldn’t have had this problem? Heidi. Full facial overhauls are useful. As she’s told him earlier, the honeymoon stage of their relationship is over and it’s particularly bothersome that people around her notice that something’s off when they’re all out. This, of course, is totally worse than her emotionally abusive, one-sided relationship with dude-you’d-like-to-bring-home-to-mom, JB.
The main drama of the episode is reserved for the Nylon Magazine party, of which the entire cast is in attendance. Wow, Nylon, that totally worked. I do love The Hills and I am now sufficiently intrigued to go purchase your magazine. So, Brody’s there with Frankie J. and then the girls walk up — Kristin looking like some kind of Klingon with that ‘do (Star Trek and Star Wars in the same blog?!) and then the unimaginable happens. McKaela — now fully connected since her entry-level job at SmashBox Studios has made her a lady about town — is there and she’s brought the dreaded Ali Lutz. Everyone is aghast because, as we discussed last week, Ali Lutz is the second coming of Hitler. McKaela marches straight into the lion’s den and desperately pleads with Brody to call her sometime, anytime. Please… please?
And then Kristin lets loose her claws. McKaela tries to say that she wanted to be her friend but Kristin has clearly had four or more tequila shots and is beyond the point of reason. She starts screaming at McKaela about not being a bitch and screaming at Ali ( who has now come into the fold to call everyone jealous and call herself hot — um… yeah…)
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