How have I not mentioned The Real Housewives of New York reunion?! Producers decided to split the annual debacle into three separate parts, move no doubt brought on my the dramatic fury of these media-hungry wildebeests getting back together. The funny part about the decision though, is that there is actually enough fodder for three one-hour bitchfests. Ramona's having hot flashes and Bethenny looks like a mistress from Falcon Crest and Kelly fucking Bensimon is there, spouting nonsense about "systematic bullying." I could watch this shit all day long.
Below find my comments on each of the ladies thus far (in order of couch appearance):
Sonja: Fresh off of her Hamptons DUI arrest, the real star of this season swept into the tacky hot pink set in much the same way as she did during this season: all sex and bedroom eyes and Dorothy Parker sense of humor. My new best friend manages to insinuate that she is a high-class call girl ("my customers have to wait until after I put my daughter to bed") and tell any of the women that they have free reign to make jokes about her so long as they legitimately give her a chance as a human being. She also looked stunning in her crisp, white column mini-dress, saying that she didn't want to "disappoint" anyone. I'm pretty sure that she was talking about me and, no, I was not disappointed.
Alex: Here's the thing, Brooklyn: I know that you've grown a spine this season and all, telling Jill and the mean girls and whoever else will listen that you're no longer taking any of their crap. And that's all good and fine but not being a doormat doesn't mean that you have to actually "channel the devil"--as Jill so eloquently put it. You can't just barge into cocktail parties and initiate vendettas. You can't keep harping on Jill for things that happened a year ago and for which she has apologized. And you can't dye your hair that shade of blonde. It does not go well with your fair skin tone. Stop it, Alex--you in danga, girl.
Ramona: The eyeballs take the cake with this one (don't they always?) and while it's funny to watch the woman have hot flashes and blink asymmetrically and tell us that "injectibles" are not in fact the same thing as plastic surgery as if we bought her Boston Creme pie for her birthday when she clearly asked for pecan, she's going down the same path as Alex. Now that they're the underdog and the audience is on their side, they've gotten defiant and just plain mean in their triumph. Watch out, or you'll go the way of Jill. P.S., you look radiant in that Zac Posen dress but come on now with the HVC Ramona Singer jewelry. It's as tacky as the day is long.
Bethenny: Eight days after giving birth to baby Brynn, my girl is looking fierce and fabulous. This reunion finds our square-faced friend answering queries about the meltdown between herself and Jill Zarin and being accused of being a media whore. To this Bethenny answers, why yes, I am a media whore! Is anyone on this show not? Catch Bethenny Getting Married? Thurdays at 9! SkinnyGirl Margaritas! Jason Poppy! I will take issue with one thing: saying that "this is just the way I am, I shoot from the hip" does not excuse dickish behavior. Sometimes you just have to say, I'm a dick. Deal with it, or don't.
Jill: Poor, sad Jill Zarin. In this installment she is brought before the panel of housewives and I honestly do feel that this is a bit like Nuremberg. I mean, the lady is apologizing for every atrocity she's ever committed, but it's not like she killed anybody. Gasp! She asked people not to film with Bethenny! Gasp! She said Ramona looked crazy! I'm still not sure if Jill is genuinely apologetic or if she sensed the backlash and wanted to make things better before they got worse, but the fact is that she's saying sorry now. Ulterior motives or no, you have to be an adult and accept that. Jill: I need your shoes in my life. Now.
Kelly: At the end of this section of the reunion, we finally get to hear Kelly's side of the breakdown (er, "breakthrough) and it sounds a lot like those horns they're playing at the World Cup--annoying enough to effect how much can be enjoyed but not annoying enough for me to write a letter to my senator. But I'm just watching on T.V. and apparently even those horns are annoying enough in person to warrant a call for their removal. I feel like this is the same with Kelly, who uses her platform to vomit some nonsense about "public service" and how she's being "systematically bullied" by the girls both now (during filming) and on the Haunted Isle of Klonopan. It seems that Kelly's definition of "bullying" is everyone else's definition of exchanging words (sometimes positive things are said, sometimes negative things are said, sometime people interrupt your sentence to clarify something because you've probably started randomly talking about "satchels of gold" or "jellybeans" or "Al Sharpton"). The people who she's accused of being abusive toward her intermittedly attempt to speak up and this finally sends Kelly off stage and hopefully off of our screens. Dear Lord, I know I haven't exactly fulfilled all of the things that I promised last time I asked for something, but could you please make sure that this crazy lady gets cast on celebrity rehab? Amen.
The Countess LuAnn "Money Can't Buy You Love" Delaseps: LuAnn mostly does what she's been does the entire season: trying to rise above all of it but ending up looking like a flip-flopping party pooper. Her voice is even raspier than usual, probably because of all of those live "singing" performances she's been giving, and she manages to tell Sonja how declasse is was to call her gentleman callers "customers" and chide Kelly for instigating the drama on the boat. We get it lady, you have really awesome posture. I just want Kelly to say something about etiquette or proper attire to someone once, only to have a flute full of champagne thrown in her face, finally eliciting the LuAnn breakdown that we've all been waiting for. Five points to Gryffindor for that ring though, I need it even more than I need Jill's shoes.
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