The convoluted mess that is the Audrina/Ryan Cabrera break-up continues this week on The Hills. After awkwardly attempting to break up in a bar, then actually breaking up on a couch, then attending one of Ryan’s concerts with all of her friends, Audrina sits down with Ryan to break up with him again? Except this time, it’s for real. This whole thing is totally confusing to me and I feel like I’m the one who needs a boat trip birthday party just to try and unravel it all. But I guess it’s Audrina who needs a rest from her movie role in that one slasher movie and all of the acting that she does on The Hills and the copious amount of plastic surgery she's gotten and always staring at the ceiling. The girls (all of them, because they’re all best friends now — even after all of their infighting and boyfriend stealing and drunken screaming at each other) go shopping for Audrina and decide that jewelry is a better gift than splitting a nice dress.
Oh, Stephanie Pratt, that’s the easiest way to spot a cheap person. Just ask them to split a bill at a restaurant and watch as they elbow their way into separate checks because they’re just getting a Caesar salad and never tip above 10%. Not cool, Stephanie Pratt. Not cool. They also decide that, given the break up, that the perfect party guest would be none other than Justin Bobby! Sounds like a terrific idea to me.
Next, we see the group go out to a club to do what they do best — get sloshy drunk and have casual sex with one another! Brody has hat hair from wearing a ski-cap in SoCal and Kristin is already loopy from her fourth rum and diet. Holly Montag is even there! She doesn’t get any lines, but they just keep inviting her to things, hoping maybe they can capitalize on a little of the Montag family crazy. You’d better bring to realization those alcoholism rumors or get 17 plastic surgeries or break into someone’s house soon or you’ll be on the outs, Holly. Speaking of breaking and entering, good ‘ol Ali Lutz is there with McKaela. I’d like to think that after last week’s public admonishment of Ali, that McKaela received a bouquet of edible fruit and a note that said, “Dear McKaela, I didn’t steal anything in Brody’s home but you’ve stolen my heart. Love, Ali” and that true love has been blossoming ever since. In reality (TVLand), the producers have told the two villains from this season to show up at this club, sit on a certain couch so as to frame the shot, and harass the rest of the cast.
Ali takes it a step further and stands in front of Kristin like some sort of playground bully, finally settling in uncomfortably close to her on the couch and pleading that she is innocent. It gets confusing for me here, because Kristin tells her that she “hates her because of Brody,” but I thought that she was in the bed herself? Wouldn’t she hate her because of her own recognizance? Anywho, for whatever reason drunk Kristin does the typical drunk girl thing where she doesn’t realize that she’s touching Ali’s face while her finger flails wildly. Ali retorts that she should get her hands off of her and Kristin responds that she should get her hands off of her. Later in the night, Ali and McKaela fall asleep in each other’s arms, echoing the scene with back-and-forth repetitions of “No, I love you more.”
Awkward time at Smashbox Studios on what appears to be the next day. Kristin shows up to take Lo out to lunch (haven’t these two hated each other since high school?) and runs into McKaela while Lo is conveniently in the bathroom for a long period of time. The two newly appointed enemies squabble back and forth about how “Kristin was just mad that I was dating Brody” which was strongly shot down with the fact that “You’re not dating Brody.” That’s true, but neither are you, Kristin. No matter how many times you tell yourself that your relationship is special, you are — in the end — just another one of Brody’s jump-offs.
The best part of the episode happens when Kristin meets with ex-hookup and ex-boyfriend to her ex-enemy-turned-new-BFF Audrina, high-end European fashion model, Justin Bobby. She, in a cut-off denim vest and he, in a cut off plaid shirt being used as a vest, bond over how much of a coincidence it is that wardrobe outfitted them in similar clothes (which they keep referring to as “cut-offs”, as if that’s something that people say) then Kristin gets down to business. She thinks that JB should “be there for Audrina” on her birthday, like she’s some kind of a burn victim or something. After mumbling some nonsense about how he’ll always have feelings for Audrina, he agrees to come.
So, when the big day of Audrina’s birthday finally comes, everyone gets onto a boat captained by a grizzly old man who, no doubt, contemplates capsizing/suicide somewhere between the dock and Catalina. They frolic and Justin Bobby almost kills them all when he’s manning the boat and there are cupcakes and , of course, booze. Except for poor alcoholic Stephanie Pratt, who sips on her mini-water bottle and looks morose. Justin Bobby and Audrina have a moment on the boat where Justin says that Audrina has grown from her relationship with Ryan Cabrera and he’s grown from his many dalliances — the producers want the audience to think that the two of them are going to get together but it’s never going to happen. Audrina has a burgeoning acting/ceiling-watching career to think of.
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