Stop Staring at that Box, You'll Ruin Your Eyes

The Hills did something this week that hasn’t happened in a long time. There was real drama, the kind you could tell wasn’t rehearsed by the folks of the show and the kind that gave us juicy insight in the real lives of Kristin and Co. Don’t worry though, lest we think that The Hills has suddenly changed forms from totally scripted show to realistic reality television, there was plenty of normal relationship flip-flopping, put upon introduction of new characters and the return of Justin Bobby — who brought us one of the best transcripts ever. Like, ever.



Our fearless leader Kristin and Stacey the Bartender (why is this girl best friends with Kristin now? How did she evolve from some trollop Spencer was trying to bang?) are at the hair salon getting their hair fluffed. I say fluffed because the faceless torsos who are working on them seem to just sort of run their hands through their hair and fluff it into different places. It’s very important that they get their hair fluffed because Stephanie Pratt (unlikely voice of reason) is having a birthday party and since everyone totally loves her, they’re all going.


Meanwhile, Stephanie and Ceiling Eyes are shopping at a candy store for god knows what and discussing the party. I lied, talking about Stephanie on Stephanie’s birthday would be too much of a normal and gracious thing to do, so they chat about Ryan Cabrera being out on tour and the sparks that flew when Justin Bobby took off his shirt for the 10-minute long drum solo at his band’s show last week. You know the one, Audrina tilted her chin down into her chest so that her eyes would be pointed at JB instead of the ceiling and then she fainted from over-arousal or malnutrition or sheer vapidity. It’s clear that the producers have told Audrina that Justin Bobby’s unwashed claws are still in her.



Then we head over to Smashbox studios where Audrina (used to?) work as a receptionist and now Lo fills some kind of position after attending a real life four-year university. She’s also gotten her old sorority sister/new cast member McKaela hired (presumably both at Smashbox and on The Hills) so she starts telling her to compile giftbags because Smashbox is both a shoot studio and a cosmetics line, making the Carwash/Strip Club concept from The Real Housewives of New Jersey seem not too far off-base. And then they get to talking about Brody. See, McKaela has gone out on a date with Brody once and he told her that he’d be nice to her and keep her safe and fed her lots of alcohol all the while reminding her that Kristin is someone that she’d “just have to deal with”, and now she thinks that they’re dating too — and apparently so goes MTV, as my boyfriend reminds me, because the white text in the corner is calling her “Brody’s Girlfriend”. And even after all of that she’s still pining after him, wondering why he doesn’t call, pleading to Lo to make her feel better about being dumped by the best looking asshole in Hollywood. But Lo offers her no such advice. She knows Brody’s ways and she’s all older-sister-warning-younger-sister-about-the-high-school’s-biggest-player, except that then she invites her to Stephanie’s birthday party where Brody will be and it’s one in a line of many fortuitous invitations on The Hills.


And as expected, the party is full of high-caliber drama and OMG entrances. And as I’ve promised it’s even full of actual surprises. Kristin is slobbering all over Brody like a hungry dog (when will this girl stop denigrating herself?), Frankie has been offered to Stephanie as a birthday gift and he is belligerently drunk, and they’re all drinking around the recovering alcoholic for her birthday, so it’s all pretty amazing. Then, in comes McKaela. We think that the drama will be that Kristin is lap humping Brody but it turns out these people have lives beyond the show! And they’re rearing their heads! McKaela has brought a friend and everyone starts saying the name “Allie Lutz”, as if it’s Voldemort and we should all know who this heathen is! It’s so deliciously awkward and real that I find myself actually entertained for the first time in weeks (the departure of Speidi really happened at the peak of their crazy and I was just starting to enjoy all of the botox-infused reactions to the insanity).


The scene is a whirlwind of coked-up emotions. Lo meekly whispers, “You guys, I invited her. She’s really nice.” Kristin and Brody continue to utter “Allie Lutz” as if they’re saying Hitler. Audrina gets all judgy on McKaela because she would hang out with the girl who Kristin described as “the stupidest girl in the world, “ and Allie Lutz is the picture of teasable caricature. Her hair is too blonde and her makeup too harsh and there is something wrong with her mouth, like, clinically wrong. I think maybe she got a bad collagen injection and now her bottom lip is dead. She looks like a good ol’ boy I met from back home who numbed his lip out with chew and ended up looking like Bubba Gump. I LOVED it. She’s Laguna Beach unkempt. She’s Lauren before lo-lights. She’s Kristin before South Beach Diet. She’s Audrina’s still-shoddy boob job. She’s the best hot mess that ever happened. She’s ALLIE LUTZ! And, apparently, she’s a break-in artist. I guess she left her ring in Brody’s house once and then snuck back in (after the party was over?) and crawled around on his floor shrieking like Gollom saying, “Brody, where is my precious?!” At least that’s how it was told by Brody and Kristin — she was “in the bed, bitch! — and now all of the sudden, drunkenly going back to a party (where, let’s face it, the door was probably open) to get something that you left there is totally the same as genocide and she’s “CRAZY!” Oh, dramz. I love you.
So, McKaela asks Brody what’s up and he yells at her for bringing Allie and Kristin whisks him away to go have lots of coked up sex because she will be “in the bed, bitch!”


The next day at Smashbbox, McKaela has a totally cute outfit on and tries to call Brody to apologize and, of course, he doesn’t pick up. Can you guess why? It’s because Kristin is in his bedroom, scuttling around on the floor, looking for her shoes because she was so wantonly undressing last night that she doesn’t even know where they went. Why is she so unflinchingly whorish? Why would she let someone tape that? Do her parents wonder what went wrong? After Kristin finds her shoes she skips out the door to meet Audrina for lunch to, presumably, talk about those months that she banged Justin Bobby and it broke Audrina’s heart, causing Audrina to call Kristin evil. Just kidding, they’re totally b-fries now so they just met up to talk about crazy Allie Lutz and bi-proxy McKaela. And actually, I was right the first time. They did talk about Justin Bobby and how much chemistry they have. Audrina obviously takes these words to heart. After all, Kristin’s really good at relationships and always chooses the man who will treat her best.


So, it’s with a heavy heart and a head full of marbles, air, and the painful beginning of ideas that she meets pop star and main squeeze Ryan Cabrera who is back from playing gigs at medium-sized bars all over the country. She surprises him and they have an awkward hug — no kiss — and I start to have something swirling around inside of me. It feels a little like two-minutes after a tequila shot when everyone’s asking if you want another drink and you’re just too busy to answer because you’re concentrating really hard on the salt shaker instead of the spinning room. Basically, I’m starting to feel sorry for Ryan Cabrera, and it only gets worse. Audrina starts spouting off worries about their relationship (you have so many groupies, I feel like I’m tying you down, etc.) and it’s so obviously “it’s not you, it’s me” bullshit that I’m cringing. But dangerously coifed dolt Ryan Cabrera doesn’t get the clue and reassures her as Audrina looks like a weak and deflated cupie doll. Poor Ryan Cabrera.



Things only get worse for her when she goes to Justin Bobby’s garage where he’s putting the finishing touches of the bike he’s been building for 15 years. We are gifted with this dialogue:

"Did you tell Spikey you saw me that night?"-cause that’s his nickname for Ryan Cabrera

"We're arguing too much," replies Audrina, to which JB sagely counters:

"That could be never good ... it needs to not be about that at all.”

“Actions speak louder than words," Audrina adds out of nowhere.

"How is his actions?” HE REALLY DID SAY IS.

"There are certain people you see that are meant, and there are certain people that you see, you can just tell. Not saying whatever, take that for what it is. You can tell, you can tell when two people are really happy."

Amen, Justin Bobby. Couldn’t have said it better myself.



The episode ends in a confluence of scripted meetings, including: McKaela talking to Allie Lutz about what happened at the birthday party. Allie admitting that she should have told her that she is actually Gollum and chomping her bottom lip away. Kristin, Lo and Stephanie hanging out and talking about how cray-cray Allie Lutz is and that, logically McKaela must be. Then Kristin agrees to meet with McKaela, who is just the kind of girl who can’t have anyone hate her. So, they meet over drinks and Kristin shoots it to her straight and says that Brody was so nice because he wanted to sleep with her, and I vomit a little in my mouth because Kristin has somehow tricked herself into believing that despite the fact that Brody tricks innocent girls into sleeping with him while he’s sleeping with her, he somehow is meant to be with her. She tells McKaela that L.A. with destroy “nice girls” like her (which is confusing since I’m fairly certain that she attended UCLA with Lo) and then chugs her wine and huffs off. I’m assuming that she’s trekking off to Mordor to destroy the one ring and Allie Lutz forever.